I wish I was a mathematician or at least had one of those rad-looking calculator watches. For now I will remain myself and take random, yet seasoned guesses at this thing that we covet so much, the save. It’s the only position that every person garnering save capability is owned in every league no matter how big or small, which makes it fun. They say all the fun is the chase, I guess that’s why I am bored with so many people tied up in my Gam-Gam’s basement. Digression, segue, punctuation. The Royals, or for better reference, Greg Holland, has figured out his mojo, while all of us hoping for a heated up Kelvin to pounce are reduced to wait for a Holland-days off.  I am glad that Holland has shown what we all thought he could be, albeit for one glorious day. Two in a row is a winning streak, so said Lou Brown. The Brewhaha’s added K-Rod to the mass confusion of Canadian end game specialists, completely killing that demographic in Wisconsin. K-Rod isn’t an add yet unless in the deepest of leagues, so sit tight and don’t get all antsy with saves in the pants. So onto the rankings of closers and some of their ‘cuffs. This week’s random weird but true factoid, the Phillies are 14 games into the season and do not have a hold by any pitcher on their team. Put that in your cheese steak and smoke it.
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Craig Kimbrel (0) (Eric O’Flaherty, Luis Avilan, Jordan Walden)
2. Jonathan Papelbon (0) (Mike Adams, Antonio Bastardo)
3. Aroldis Chapman (0) (Jonathan Broxton, JJ Hoover, Sam LeCure) INJ-Sean Marshall
4. Rafael Soriano (+1) (Drew Storen, Tyler Clippard, Ryan Mattheus)
5. Joe Nathan (+1) (Robbie Ross, Tanner Scheppers, Joe Ortiz, Jason Frasor)
6. Mariano Rivera (-1) (David Robertson, Boone Logan, David Phelps)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
7. Tom Wilhelmsen (+1) (Carter Capps, Charlie Furbush)Â INJ – Stephen Pryor
8. Jim Johnson (+5) (Pedro Strop, Darren O’Day, T.J. McFarland)
9. Addison Reed (+8) (Jesse Crain, Matt Thornton, Nate Jones)
10. J.J. Putz (+2) (David Hernandez, Brad Ziegler, Heath Bell)
11. Sergio Romo (+5) (Santiago Casilla, Jeremy Affeldt, Chad Gaudin)
12. Jason Grilli (+11) (Mark Melancon, Jared Hughes, Tony Watson)
13. Ernesto Frieri (+14) (Scott Downs, Sean Burnett, Kevin Jepsen) INJ – Ryan Madson
14. Huston Street (-2) (Luke Gregerson, Brad Brach, Dale Thayer)
15. Glen Perkins (-1) (Jared Burton, Brian Duensing)
16. Rafael Betancourt (+3) (Matt Belisle, Rex Brothers, Wilton Lopez)
17. Casey Janssen (+5) (Steve Delabar, Brett Cecil, Darren Oliver) INJ – Sergio Santos
18. Fernando Rodney (-7) (Jake McGee, Joel Peralta)
19. Brandon League (+6) (Kenley Jansen, Ronald Belisario, Paco Rodriguez)
20. Chris Perez (+1) (Vinnie Pestano, Joe Smith, Cody Allen)
21. Greg Holland (-12) (Kelvin Herrera, Aaron Crow, Tim Collins)
22. Grant Balfour (-1) (Ryan Cook, Sean Doolittle)
Brain Freezes
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Carlos Marmol– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Castro in the head with a pick-off throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
23. Steve Cishek (-7) (A.J. Ramos, Mike Dunn, Jon Rauch)
24. Bobby Parnell (+4) (Scott Atchison, Brandon Lyon, LaTroy Hawkins)
25. Andrew Bailey (-7) (Koji Uehara, Junichi Tazawa) INJ – Joel Hanrahan
26. Jim Henderson (-17) (Jon Axford, Mike Gonzalez, Francisco Rodriguez)
27. Edward Mujica (-3) (Mitchell Boggs, Trevor Rosenthal, Randy Choate)
28. Jose Veras (+1) (Dallas Keuchel, Hector Ambriz, Rhiner Cruz)
29. Carlos Marmol (-3) (Kyuji Fujikawa, Shawn Camp, James Russell, Kevin Gregg)
30. Joaquin Benoit (0) (Phil Coke, Octavio Dotel, Jose Valverde)
You like Mujica more than Benoit, fudge. I just traded Mujica a few days ago. Regretting it now. Benoit got lucky last night.
What closers on bad teams do you see most likely getting moved before the trade deadline? Just wondering who I should keep an eye on as the season progresses for potential setup guys that may get handed the role if the closer ahead of them gets traded.
All I can think of right now would be Huston Street (Gregerson likely next in line). It’s probably too early to speculate since the season is young and it’s hard to tell who will be in playoff contention and who will be out of it by the the trading deadline.
@Shake N Bacon: Betancourt and Chris Perez
@Smokey: Do you like Belisle over Brothers in Colorado if Betancourt gets traded?
@Shake N Bacon: Think Brothers gets first look in that scenario. Wanna see what they have for next year. All fats away from a reality but fun to speculate.
@Smokey: Brothers kinda reminds me of John Rocker. Maybe just because they are two hard throwing no neck lefty relievers.
@Shake N Bacon: I read that real quick and read it as red neck…lol
@Smokey: Ha, that could be true too!
I think we should add some nicknames to the closer tiers with you writing the closer articles, like a $12 salad can be the OG Kush or wax, the donkeycorn can be the Diesel strains, and the Brainfreezes can be the schwag or stress or bammer or dirt weed.
If Benoit gets a few saves and looks like he is holding the job, does he get bumped to a DC?
Is matusz a dark horse to close in B-More if johnson goes down, strop looks like turds this year.
@Jack Full of Hate: I like it so much I wish I thought of it myself.
Prolly not on Benoit. I don’t trust the situation at all.
Matusz could be, but Johnson is locked in to the role.
@Smokey: I was thinking if Johnson gets hurt
ooh got another one, for brain freezes we can call them stems and seeds
Two snaps for smokey tonight, and that’s not with my fingers!
Rivera has lost some velocity off his FBs in the last couple of yrs. Perhaps it won’t matter.
Interesting to monitor.
Assuming he is human, there has to be one year where he finally hits the proverbial wall.
I see Strop’s role falling. I expect O’Day to be the sole 8th inning man and Strop is relegated to the 7th or worse if he continues to stink. Meanwhile, I think Matusz seems to be elevating himself to the top lefty in the pen.
SP eligibility a plus. I still like him as the best such reliever.
I have a hard time seeing O’Flaherty get a real crack at CL. He has pretty drastic splits, even though he isn’t horrid vs. RH hitters.
@papasmurf: strop has been struggling. Ibthinknwe he figured it out he was in the WBC so maybe it stunted his stuff this year. If Kimbrel goes down the braves will take about three days to add someone as no one in their stable of relievers is a closet by any stretch.
Betancourt needs to be higher. I smoked a vanilla dutch with him in 2007 and got some hookers
@Tehol Beddict: maybe a lil higher in his group but nothing substantial. I think he gets traded when Colorado realizes they suck.
Thanks for the work. Does Boggs get a return shot to close?
I’ll take my answer off the air.
@joe bob: I think so. Only effectiveness will tell us if that is so.
How many saves you think Cishek will get to? Cause right now he’s on pace for 0
Ha… 22 saves…
@jesse: maybe 15-18
Marmol just worked a nice 9th. 2 struckout lucking, no hits no walks. Was not a save opp, but the lead was by 4.
@Krypt: he has had like 3-4 consecutive affective appearances so there is that.
Perez would make a good team near complete If he were St Louis bound
@Targaryan: Cards have the specs to get anyone they want. Which is scary.
How would you rank these pitching prospects… I’m thinking holding 2…
Straily
Wheeler
Hultzen
Archer
Bauer
@flanwagon: Wheeler, Bauer , Hultzen, Straily, Archet
Do you still like Hector Rondon for holds? I picked up Brian M atusz for another SP eligible reliever that should get some holds… Cecil looks like a decent option too but someone else grabbed him (I can only have so many…but I held onto Rondon in favor of Cecil)
@Ben: I think if the Cubs can find a suitor for Marmol when he actually is worth anything, crazy as it sounds I could see the other Rondon get a look at saves.
@Smokey: I don’t get response…are you referring to Hector as ‘the other’ ?
@Ben: yes sorry.
I think Axford is closing again sooner than later. 3 clean innings since his last bad one.
@Cole: Yea its coming along its all about getting his release point together. Great stash if been dropped just let him ride the pine until he is save worth again.
Hope so since I own him in 7 different leagues…
@Grey: Yea I went pretty pot commited on him as well.
@Smokey: Stache Marmol or Axford?
@AdamH: for immediate return Marmol. Longer Axford
@Grey: I kinda have faith in him since he came back from a way worse place mentally last season to finish solid. He’s never all of the sudden lost his velocity.
So not really closer related. But My league has one DL slot which is held by Grandy. and Ive had 2 other guys hit the DL So i currently not filling Utility slot but still holding my own. However I saw Rizzo and Weeks were dropped so I’m interested in picking up one or both. As far as bats I can drop I can drop Span for one added bc of injuries and he was hott but still a Util short. So i have to drop a P. Which im deep at but they are strong. So it would have to be Miller, Fernandez, Estrado, or Miley.. What do I do here? Drop span add rizzo and leave a slot open, or Add them both and drop a SP.. Thanks.. Wish there was more DL slots..
@LuckyToBeBC: Add Rizzo for sure drop Span. If those are your worst pitchers u may be ok to drop Miley, if your stacked. Or try and trade one for a bat. Good luck.
@Smokey: Thanks I dont know that I get him with the 10th waiver of 12 with one of the higher guys being the one that dropped him.. So assuming I don’t do I add weeks and drop Span? Thanks
@LuckyToBeBC: Give it a try
I love that in 1 of my leagues I own 4 closers and 3 of them are in the “Brain Freezes” tier.