Click Here If You Want To Seymour

Rays are calling up Bob Seymour. Or Bobby Seymour, if you will. You likely will because Bob is one of those rare names that’s better casual. John or Johnny? I’m going to the John. Frank or Frankie? I gotta be Frank. Bob or Bobby? Bob on these–Sorry, I’m going Bobby. If you’re going by Bob, people are nodding their head and pretending to listen while they try to judge your buoyancy. Sadly, this kid’s got more problems than Bob. “Suddenly, Seymour is standing besides me in the majors?” That’s Yandy Diaz. Any hoo! It was a short schedule day and I’m having a goof. Don’t come for me Army of Bobs. So, Seymour had 30 homers and a .263 average with a 25.7 K% in Triple-A as a 26-year-old. Oh, yeah, Jakob Marsee can be Babe Ruth with Rickey Henderson speed and can’t get a lede but Bob Seymour can? Again: Short schedule. After reading Bob’s stats, I want to Seyless, but if you need power upside in a deep league, I guess you can give him a whirl, and now you know what about Bob. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Michael Busch – 1-for-3 and his 24th homer, 2nd homer in two games, 3rd homer in a week. “We’ve got Busch!” A famous quote from Revenge of the Nerds and a pruner at an arboretum.

Matthew Boyd – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.46. Boyd seems to be the one person in the Cubs clubhouse who didn’t get the message that it was time to regress.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Cake Batter rising that pitch without baking soda.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.83. He faced a lineup that didn’t have Seiya or PCA, so it was a lot tougher than recent Cubs lineups. It still had those bums Ian Happ and Kyle Tucker though. It’s kinda wild that the entire Cubs team was overperforming by so much, and now are all crashing back to earth at same time. That’s baseball, Suzyn.

Aaron Nola – Will return on Sunday. The good news is Taijuan Walker will remain in the rotation as the Phils move to a six-man. Well, good news compared to Nola returning to pitch.

Paul DeJong – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 3rd homer this week. Colonel Mustard will be in this afternoon’s Buy column; that’s a tease and half! That’s more enticing than a clickbait ad that says, “Wait until you see what this 80’s celebrity looks like now,” and it’s Nell Carter, and you know she died over 20 years ago.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.21 vs. Brad Lord – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.26. This matchup of Jesus/Lord was billed as, “Keep this matchup out of my child’s school!” by some, and, “What’s wrong with a little God? Afraid you’re gonna burn,” by others, and a collection plate was passed around the stadium.

Dylan Crews – 1-for-3 and his 12th steal, as he was activated from the IL. He missed three months with an oblique strain. When asked to point out his oblique, he said, “Somewhere on or in my body?”

Edward Cabrera – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.34. His home ERA is 2.86; his away ERA is not. It’s not everything; most pitchers have better ERAs at home (unless they’re A’s), but EdCab clearly prefers to drive himself to the park.

Tanner Bibee – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 4.54. A four-fifty-four ERA is not good, and his underlying stats aren’t much better. They’re better. A tad. Tad Bibee also sounds like his brother. If he’s Muslim, it’s Habibi Bibee.

Jose Herrera – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Fun fact! 60% of Ivan Herrera’s fantasy owners saw this Herrera homer scroll across the ticker and pumped their fist.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (15) and legs (10). After I dropped Lou-Gu-Ju in May, my RCL team never recovered. It shows you sometimes it’s more important to have a few clubhouse guys.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.40. If I had started him, he would’ve went 5 IP with 7 ER.

Kyle Farmer – 3-for-4 and his 6th homer. Wonder if he calls his kids FFA’s. Ya know, Future Farmers of America. Hmm.

Brenton Doyle – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, 3rd homer in the last week, he was also hitting near-.400 in August. I said to buy him in my first buy of the 2nd half. Did ya listen? Well, didja?

Riley Greene – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer. The life of Riley this guy’s got! Idiomatically and literally.

Tarik Skubal – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.42. So, he’s not right, right? Not necessarily injured, but something’s up here, right? The Twins, his opponent, are starting some guys who shouldn’t make the office softball team. One of those guys homered off him, so, yeah, I think something’s up here. Maybe it’s a dead arm period, and he’s so good it just makes him mediocre vs. awful.

Edouard Julien – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. He was the first lefty to homer off Skubal all year. Yeah, something’s wrong.

Bailey Ober – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.15. Think he should be better, but if you’re starting a guy with a 5+ ERA, you either have nothing to lose or you’re in an AL-Only league.

Roki Sasaki – 3 ER in his rehab start in two-plus innings and he couldn’t touch 96 MPH, which was what he was averaging in the majors and what are the Dodgers doing here? Shut him down.

Ryan Helsley – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.29, and gives up runs every time he enters the game. How broke is Helsley? Can you see how far apart I’m holding my arms? It’s far.

Francisco Lindor – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (22) and legs (19), hitting .249. Not to insult Francisco, because I do like him, but he’s having a good Mike Cameron season. Guess that’s an insult to Cameron too.

Kodai Senga – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.35. Watching Senga and I came away with two thoughts: 1. It’s no wonder hitters can’t touch him because he’s throwing 66 MPH one pitch and 97 MPH the next. 2. I can’t believe the Mets are still starting Jeff McNeil. Not really connected to Senga, but when I was watching Senga, I saw McNeil. Not saying Vientos, Baty and Mauricio have been great, but why take one at-bat away from any of them for McNeil?

Carlos Carrasco – Designated for assignment. That assignment is for him to stop walking into every Crumbl and asking loudly, “Do you know who I am?”

Bryce Elder – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. It’s crazy how good he is year after year. I’m messing with you! He has a 5.89 ERA! Only barely better than Cookie.

Ozzie Albies – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .227. Marla Gibbs is insulted by that! Wait until you see her now! Ozzie Albies actually had a better season when he was hurt all year and you were able to just drop him and move on. Ozzie Albies is playing as well as how much he’s making — $17/hour.

Michael Harris II – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th steal. Josh Naylor is lapping him in steals. That is all.

Michael King – Hit the IL with knee inflammation. Sure, I guess, maybe, but what do I think? It’s arm problems still but they’re just trying to deflect criticism.

Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .259. JRod sees his shadow in February and that means he won’t be good until September. This year, he didn’t see his shadow, so it was August.

Logan Evans – 4 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 4.37. Okay, so the Mariners have one meh starter.

Ryan Mountcastle – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and two steals (2, 3). Somebody’s been watching Naylor highlights!

Tomoyuki Sugano – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.06. When asking the Streamonator about Sugano, it says, “Are you out of your effin’ mind?”

Gunnar Henderson – 1-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .283. They pointed out on the telecast that Gunnar had five straight games with an extra-base hit and I asked myself aloud, “How many of those were homers?” Then I got close to the TV and started screaming, “HOW MANY?!” (It’s one.)

Daniel Johnson – 0-for-3, 1 run and his 2nd steal. The Orioles’ lineup reads like the “Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor” scene in Spies Likes Us, but with last names that end in –son. “Henderson? Henderson.” “Johnson? Johnson.” “Jackson? Jackson.” “Carlson? Carlson.” “Jackson? Jackson.”