The other day I said that I smelled a Disgraceful List stint coming for Tony Cingrani from a dead arm, then yesterday the Reds announced Cingrani had shoulder tendinitis. He said he didn’t think he needed a DL stint. I’ve said this before, but it always surprises me how teams can put players who are not injured on the DL. Before a player can go on the DL, Major League Baseball should require approval from one person: a strict school nurse. “Hey, Nurse Blumenthal, this is the Mets calling and we were wondering if we can DL Bartolo Colon with an inflamed elbow?” Nurse Blumenthal gives out a disapproving groan, yanks up her hosiery and then tells them, “I saw him playing catch and talking to some girls in the parking lot. I’d say he looked fine. Goodbye!” I’d DL Cingrani for now and pray to whoever will hear fantasy baseball prayers — A nerdy priest? An athletic rabbi? Do these things exist? — that Cingrani gets right with himself and the world in two weeks’ time. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Bruce Chen – Headed to the DL after receiving an epidural. Hey, maybe he gave birth to Gyorko’s twins!
Danny Duffy – Will replace Chen in the Royals rotation. If things go right, he could stay in the rotation all year. Whatever the case, Duffy just hopes to not wake up at the end of the season and have it all be a dream. His Saturday start isn’t yet in the Stream-o-Nator, but I’m sure it won’t like it. Duffy will prolly only go a few innings since he’s been in the bullpen. In the bigger picture, he’s great for Ks, but absolute dreck for control whenever he’s started.
Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Not as great as he’s looked so far, but for the most part he avoided the Regression Fairies who have been lurking in Miami for the last few days. Now, now, GLAAD, I’m not saying Regression Fairies because of their proximity to South Beach.
B.J. Upton – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam & legs. He now has a five-game hitting streak since he started wearing glasses, and it’s absurd to think that has anything to do with his hitting, especially since it’s five straight 1-for-4’s. B.J. and his glasses isn’t like when Alex P. Keaton got speed and started acing his tests.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer. I wonder if in his wildest acid trips if he ever thought he’d hit a home run in an orange and teal stadium with a unicorn puking in center field.
Chris Archer – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks. With a name like Archer, you’d think he’d be able to throw straight. He’s been pretty unlucky so far, but there’s too many pitchers to get wrapped up in him. I’d look elsewhere for now, and then maybe come back.
Desmond Jennings – 3-for-9, 2 runs as he hit his 2nd homer in game two of the doubleheader. It’s Desmond Two-Two.
Sean Rodriguez – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs as he didn’t start the first game of the doubleheader because Joe Maddon has only 162 games to make 162 different lineups.
Jake Peavy – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks. Hard to trust anyone that walks five guys to four Ks. His season ERA may be 2.87, but it’s gonna be a 187 on your fantasy team.
Koji Uehara – 1 IP, 1 ER and the loss. Looking for the next closer that’s gonna lose his job, or just go on the DL? Look no further. Not literally, keep reading along. His velocity is way off and looks like he’s hiding an injury. He’s not the same guy from last year. What did I do with this information? Well, nothing. Neither Mujica or Tazawa have been great recently either. Uehara might just struggle through the velocity drop.
Joe Mauer – 4-for-8, 1 run, 1 RBI. Well, no dur, that I don’t like him, but here’s something I found hilarious in a not-hilarious-type way. His BABIP right now is .390 and he’s batting only .292. What’s he gonna have to have to hit .320? A .450 BABIP? Ready for the thing that’s even less hilarious that is absolutely hilarious? He only has one homer and due to all the ground balls he hits, one homer has him about even with his career homer per fly ball rate, which means he’s legitimately on pace for 6 homers this year. Is that the most not-funny-at-all funniest thing you’ve ever heard? That makes me laugh so hard in a not-really-laughing type way!
Chris Colabello – 1-for-5. He looks like he’s lost his fizz.
Mike Pelfrey – 4 IP, 5 ER, and could lose his rotation job to Samuel Deduno. <sarcasm> With choices like those, it’s a wonder Pelfrey was even in the rotation! </sarcasm>
Dan Haren – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. His average fastball is at 87 MPH. Who are you, Bronson Arroyo? Soon he’s gonna have to drop his curveball down to 60 MPH to keep hitters off balance. On the fo’really, he is in a decent place to succeed, and in March I pegged him as the Comeback Player of the Year, which is about as interesting of an award as getting a Gold Glove.
Yasiel Puig – 6-for-10, 2 RBIs with a steal. Fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) prepare your Hawaiian shirts and grass skirts, I’m ready for a Puig to get smoking hot!
Juan Uribe – 5-for-8, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column because that shizz is already written and I don’t feel like editing it, but Uribe goes from zero to hot schmotato in the matter of one game.
Scott Van Slyke – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (3) and legs (1). I was kicking myself I didn’t draft him for his one homer in Australia. Now I’m kicking myself because I would’ve been better off drafting him than Wil Myers.
Adrian Gonzalez – 3-for-8, 3 runs and his 9th homer. You’re playing with the house money, I’d be surprised if he got to 25 homers, so I’d still be selling.
Manny Machado – 0-for-5 as he was activated from the DL. Get him in your lineups! Kidding. I mean, I’m not kidding; of course he should be in your lineups, but it always amazes me that some sites actually offer this advice. You weren’t going to play him, after drafting him and sitting on him for a month? I wonder if there’s one guy assigned to give this advice at ESPN. “Hey, Bill, you see Machado’s healthy?” “Get him in your lineups!” “Thanks, Bill!”
Chris Tillman – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA is at 3.68. Obviously not a terrific start, but he has a 8.6 K/9 and 2.95 BB/9 and I’d try to hold onto him even though his next start isn’t great according to the Stream-o-Nator.
Nick Markakis – 3-for-8, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homers in the doubleheader. He makes me so flaccid he should be called Nicholas Sparksakis.
Tommy Hunter – Threw a combined one inning over the doubleheader and got the Save and the Win. Aren’t you glad you avoided him in drafts?
Ike Davis – 2-for-9, 1 run, 1 RBI as he hit 2nd in both games. That’s your two-hole hitter?! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Breathe, Grey, breathe! Wow, almost lost it there for a second. Wait, did I say second? As in what Ike Davis hit?! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Gaby Sanchez – 5-for-10, 1 run, 1 RBI. Yo Gaby Gaby!
Starling Marte – 3-for-7, 2 RBIs and two steals. I get it, he’s striking out at historical levels. He’s still hitting .241. That’s a seven game hitting streak away from hitting .260 and he’s still on pace for 45+ steals. Chillax.
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Short Schedule Colby Rasmus!
Juan Francisco – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. That’s three homers this week. Never underestimate Dwayne Murphy’s ability to turn also-ran National League 3rd basemen into All-Stars. “I’m not even the hitting coach anymore, but I just need to touch them. I’m like motherf**king Della Reese!” That was Dwayne Murphy taking media questions.
Chris Getz – 2-for-5, 1 run and 2 steals. That’s surprising, I thought Getz was against stealing. Guess only on subway cars.
Mark Buehrle – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Don’t worry, Haren, they have Comeback Player of the Year for both leagues.
Hisashi Iwakuma – Will return officially on Saturday. I have washed and dried my ladle. Prepare for the Hisashi dashi — slurp SLURP!
Brad Miller – 1-for-3 as he hit ninth. I get it, he’s hot garbage with the world’s largest magnifying glass reflecting the sun onto it, but Stefan Romero needs to be hitting 2nd?
Roenis Elias – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks. Sonavabench! You wanna live vicariously through me and cry? In my NFBC league, I benched Jesse Chavez and Roenis Elias combined for 40 innings and a 0.90 ERA with 46 Ks and started them each for their one start where they got hit — 10 IP, 9 ER. I will now jump out my window. Goodbye, cruel world. Oh, and as I plunge, chew on this, instead I started Felix Doubront and his 5.70 ERA. Earlier this year, I said this about Roenis, “I drafted Elias for my NFBC team, though he was originally called “Placeholder Pitcher 9.” Elias had a decent K-rate in Double-A last year, impressed in the spring (2.04 ERA in 17 2/3 IP) and knows really interesting sports trivia facts like, did you know there have been sixteen players since 1912 that misplaced their belt prior to a game and had to use a rope?” And that’s me quoting me! At the time, Roenis was a flyer due to Taijuan’s impending return. Yeah, that never happened, so Roenis is in the rotation longer, but he’s still only a deeper mixed league guy. He struggles too much with his control.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 1-for-4 and his first homer. Yeah, The House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built has really turned Ellsbury into a huge power threat.
Juan Lagares – 2-for-4, 1 RBI as he was activated from the DL and put into the leadoff spot. Eric Young Jr. really needs to stop sleeping with his manager’s daughter, or at least take pics for blackmail.
Krispie Young – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 2nd steal. He’s in Coors all weekend so save a horse and ride a Krispie.
Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-2, and his 6th homer, but left the game with a finger bruise. No one is sure when he got the injury, but since he’s always day-to-day not much was made of it.
Corey Dickerson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. The horny robot, Hitter-Tron, was so happy that his favorite batty call did well, the Hitter-Tron phoned a Jiffy Lube and left an obscene message.
Juan Nicasio – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. I wouldn’t go smashing the glass that reads “Just Nicasio of an emergency” to pick him up.
Jean Segura – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he returned and batted eighth. I would’ve thought his face bashing might’ve elicited some sympathy and moved him up to the two hole. Guess the only ones having a pity party are his owners.
Billy Hamilton – Day-to-day after diving for a ball and spraining his knuckles. He should’ve been wearing his base stealing mitten! If you don’t know what I mean, you haven’t been watching him steal bases this year. After stealing a base, he looks like Ina Garten taking a roast out of the oven.
Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. If only the praise for Bailey was as loud when he pitches well as the calls for his death when he’s going bad. Sigh.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam & legs. Whenever I see Todd, I immediately think of Matt Adams. You know, cause of the double D. Frazier had a decent early season last year too, so I’m not completely convinced, but I do like him a lot and wish I owned him on multiple teams. He can be a top five 3rd baseman. For serious.
Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, 1 run. Will be in this afternoon’s Buy, but you knew he would because I’ve said every day this week he’s swinging a hot bat.
Tucker Barnhart – 1-for-4 and his first homer. He’s just a backup catcher to the backup catcher, but Tucker’s tales of misogyny are epic!
Grant Green – The Angels gave J.B. Shuck the cold shoulder and he got Grant Green’d! *high-fives self, takes ice cube from soda and rubs it on my own nipples whilst laughing hysterically* Grant Green sounds like it should spell out something horrific in reverse. Danny from The Shining walks into a room, takes out a marker that is filled with pig’s blood and writes sloppily, “Grant Green! Grant Green! Grant Green!” Green has middle infield eligibility, but he will play the outfield until Hamilton returns. His bat should play in the infield (12-ish homers, 12-ish steals), but he’s not guaranteed a long-term job, so I’d only look at him in very deep mixed leagues and AL-Only or if you’re just generally struggling — hey, Gyorko!
