Yesterday, Chi Chi Gonzalez went 7 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.42. Hey, Major League Baseball retired that number! If this pitching thing ever stops working out for Gonzalez, he can go into Eastern medicine, and open a clinic called Chi Chi’s. Or a tea shop called Chai Chi. Or a tea shop where all the workers are dressed in karate apparel called Chai Tai Chi. Or how about a karate, Eastern medicine clinic that serves tea called Chai Tai Chi Chi’s? Or how about a Mexican restaurant called Chi-Chi’s? Or how about a karate, Eastern medicine clinic that serves tea and Mexican food called Chai Tai Chi Chi Chi-Chi’s? I can keep going. So what’s the deal deal with Chi Chi? He had a 5.4 K/9 in Triple-A with a 4 BB/9. I don’t even know why he was called up let alone has done so well. Sure, he gets ground balls, but how big is Elvis Andrus’s mitt? Seventeen feet wide and twenty feet long? I mean, this is ridiculous. Through three games started in the majors, he has a 3.3 K/9 and 4.2 BB/9. Hahahahaha…Breathe, Grey, breathe! I almost lost it there. Wow, is that silly. So, Chi Chi has been cha-ching, but if I owned him, I’d cash out my Chi Chi chips. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Scott Kazmir – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 hit), 6 Ks. I nearly made Kazmir the lede with the title, A’s Kaz Has Chichiburger, but y’all know what to expect of Kazmir, right? A soft, velvety wool? What? No, a guy that’s good until he’s on the DL for three months with a broken forearm. We have about eight more starts before I’d be selling hard. Or as the hard-up porn actor would say, “Hard here! Come and get your hard!”
Mark Canha – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. I was so close to making him my batty call yesterday. Thanks, Austin Jackson, for filling me with dreams of action, you big bleeping schmohawk!
Josh Reddick – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Sixty more homers and Reddick will be way damn dirty! I just said that with a Louisiana drawl.
Billy Burns – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 11th steal, hitting .313. Now at 64% owned. Ya’ll’s reaction time is like that De Niro fella in Awakenings. Damn, can’t shake this drawl.
Sam Fuld – 3-for-4, 1 run and his 5th steal. Th-th-that’s all folks!
Rafael Soriano – Not expected to join the Cubs until after the All-Star break. Good, gives Maddon time to shuffle through five more closers for largely no reason.
Tsuyoshi Wada – 3 IP, 3 ER. Thank your deity of choice that I didn’t go back in for another stream with him after his last shellacking. Wada don’t know, Wada won’t hurt you.
Miguel Montero – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Hector Rondon – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. I don’t think this is settled, but, yes, this is a good sign if you own Rondon. Not that there was any reason to remove him from the closer role to begin with!
Zack Cozart – Out for the season. The Reds beat reporter thinks Eugenio Suarez (1-for-3, 1 run) will be the starting shortstop. I was reading the Reds beat reporter to hear about the latest harvest of red beets, so you can imagine my surprise. Eugenio Suarez looks okay, but can I toss him in a salad with blue cheese?! Suarez had 8 homers, 3 steals and a .256 average in Triple-A this year. Scouts think he will hit .220 with below-average power and speed, but scouts also call everyone ‘kid’ and chew the ‘bacco, so what do they know?
Brandon Phillips – Out again yesterday with an iffy groin. As long as he’s not out with Griffey’s groin, because that would be weird.
Ivan De Jesus – 1-for-4 as he hit leadoff with Phillips out. De Jesus won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because I would never tell you to buy him. See how that works?
Dilson Herrera – 0-for-3 as he returns from the DL. Sometimes I feel like I’m just grabbing middle infielders for s’s and g’s. Like, I’m always at a doctor’s office, killing time on my phone, and just cycling through MIs rather than reading the latest In Touch. Though, I will say this whole Duggar thing is gripping! Any the hoo! Herrera doesn’t scream big power or speed, which is hard to get excited about in fantasy, but I still grabbed Herrera in one league, so there ya go.
Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Honestly, you people have made me gunshy about saying nice things about catchers. Yeah, you people!
Brandon Crawford – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .287. It’s about time he was moved up to third in the order, isn’t it? I mean, Angel Pagan (0-for-2, hitting .279 with zero homers on the year) doesn’t need to be hitting there, does he? C’mon, let’s see the big brain on Bochy!
Wil Myers – 0-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. At the point when the Padres game ended, my team was 0-for-12 with one run. Do you see the difference he’s already making for my team? I wouldn’t have had that run otherwise!
Andrew Cashner – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.16 vs. Julio Teheran 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.78. This matchup was billed as “They Looked Like Number Twos In The Preseason And Now They Look Like Number Twos In A Whole Different Way.” The bill that the matchup title appeared on was double-sided.
Matt Kemp – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 7th steal, hitting .249. I’m not joking when I say the Padres scored six runs to win, and this was the lone offensive stand out.
Cory Spangenberg – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .257. With Gyorko sent to the minors (I have no idea why, he was about to come out of his slump!), Spangenberg played 2nd base and hit sixth. And that’s about as positive as I can be on Spangenberg, though he does sound like a backup quarterback.
Jace Peterson – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. He will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, and if that doesn’t have you running back at noon PST than my name’s not Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it).
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. I’m about to concede he’s doing better this year than I thought in the preseason. I figured he wouldn’t get pitched to, wouldn’t drive anyone in, wouldn’t hit for power, but none of those things have been a huge problem for him. Not saying he’s all that better than Votto who was drafted about five rounds after him, but he’s not a Billy Butler-sized bust either.
Danny Espinosa – 0-for-4. The Nats said they will try Espinosa in the outfield to get him more regular playing time. That could be trouble for Michael Taylor. Fun fact! Lorde is working on her 2nd baseball-inspired song that also takes a swipe at the bourgeois. It borrows Michael Taylor’s name and is called Lorde & Taylor. Sounds highly anticipated!
Tanner Roark – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER. I wonder if Tanner’s mom calls him a self-sabotager, because this isn’t how you pitch when you have Fister breathing down your neck for your rotation spot, and why is a Fister breathing on your neck? I think Roark might’ve sealed his fate back to the bullpen. And here I thought Mr. Roark didn’t believe in fate, but in fantasies.
Ryan Zimmerman – Hit the 15-day DL with plantar fasciitis. I’ve poked fun at Sky for saying his preseason NL MVP prediction was Zimmerman, but I want to say I was only joking. Zimmerman was as good a selection as any other player, assuming every other player suffered a Grade 3 quad strain in April and baseball, like truly no other sport can, soldiered on with the season as Zimmerman played every position for every team. Then, yes, Zimmerman would’ve been the MVP and it’s not a bad preseason pick.
Aramis Ramirez – 0-for-4, 1 RBI. This made me giggle. The Mets were considering a trade for Aramis, but are not sure if they see a fit with the Brewers. Talk about saving someone from themselves. Who’s the GM for the Mets? JB? No, you don’t want Aramis!
Scooter Gennett – 1-for-4, 1 RBI as he was recalled from the minors after hitting better in the minor leagues than he has at any point in the majors. It’s almost like the minor leagues has worst pitching! I’d grab Scooter in deeper leagues, but he could get platooned, and I’d wait to see something in most shallower mixed leagues.
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Two hits? I thought Gerardo was a one-hit wonder.
Steven Souza – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. He’ll be making his seventh appearance in the last last eight Buy columns later today, which is bizzonkers to me, but there ya go.
Alex Colome – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (2 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 4.21. The Stream-o-Nator predicted 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7.5 baserunners (2 BBs, 5.5 hits) and 4.5 Ks. What a crock! Colome wasn’t facing the Astros so how could he allow a half baserunner?
Brad Boxberger – 1/3 IP, 0 ER. Some commenters were saying that Boxberger worked on Wednesday in the 8th because the heart of the order was coming up. It’s an interesting theory, but he entered yesterday’s game in the 7th in a tie game with Aybar coming up, and then he was removed after one batter. I’m not being daft, I don’t think Boxberger is the closer anymore. He might get saves, but he’s not the “Let’s get him up in the bottom of the 8th for the 9th” closer. I’m guessing Jake McGee’s the go-to guy now.
Kyle Kubitza – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI as he starts for Freese at 3rd base for the Not Really Close To Los Angeles Los Angeles Angels. Kubitza spent a year in Israel–Wait, that’s Kyle Kibbutz, different guy. Kubitza offers a little of everything, and not much of anything.
Garrett Richards – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 3.97. Quick get your hands in, the buy low window is closing!
Mike Trout – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Can we start one of those ineffectual online petitions to have Trout come up to bat to the song, Freestyle (Yo, That’s That Sh*t) by Diamond D, but only the end where he says, “And I’m out like a Trout?”
Albert Pujols – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Moves into sole possession of 15th place on the all-time home run list. 20 years ago he would’ve been eighth. He’s still about three seasons worth of homers away from Jim Thome.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Sometimes I feel like my job could be automated.”
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 22nd homer. This is Giancarlo. This is Giancarlo in beastmode. This is Giancarlo in beastmode looking over his shoulder at me in nothing but a towel.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting third again in front of Gian-novio, and his curfew was moved to 10 PM. Here comes Yelich!
Jeff Baker – 1-for-4 nd his 3rd homer. Damn, that was a tailor-made batty call. Short schedule day and Jeff Baker is a lefty killer. In fact, next year’s Serial is going to be about him killing lefties.
David Phelps – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.11. It must be summer because the Rockies go from eight runs a game at home to looking like Nadir Bupkis on the road. Even the Stream-o-Nator liked this Phelps start.
Miguel Gonzalez – Hit the DL with a strained groin. There should be a company that supplies portable toilets called, It’s Raining Groins.
Adam Jones – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer. I got Pac-Man fever! Which, by the by, came on the radio the other day and how was this a thing? That has to be one of the worst songs ever. It makes Somebody Farted and Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer seem like a masterclass in song construction.
Nolan Reimold – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Time for me to blow the dust off my post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-POST-post-hype sleeper post! The Orioles called Reimold up this week due to his solid hitting in the minors, but I, honestly, have no idea what kind of playing time he’ll see. Obviously, if he hits, he’ll play, but we’ve been down this road before and it’s been a downhill cul-de-sac with no entrance or exit.
Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Macho macho Machado!
Wade Miley – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.07. I just thought of something funny (not funny). Imagine the Red Sox got to the World Series. I know, improbable, but just imagine. Now imagine they were facing the Dodgers. Kershaw takes the mound in the ninth inning, the score is 14-1. The score would’ve been 17-1, but Puig forgot to run on a three-run homer.
Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. Could it be? The Large Mound Of Bounce Back From Your Terrible Start Already, I.E. Rebound actually did something? Nice work, bleb!
David Ortiz – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. The Comment Drop Magic worked again! I swear to you, yesterday, there was a shizzton of comments about dropping Ortiz. Seemingly out of nowhere. Well, not out of nowhere, Big Poopie hasn’t been good. For what it’s Wuertz, I would try to hold.
J.A. Happ – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.72. Meh, sometimes Happ happens.
Erik Bedard – Announced his retirement. Rumors are flying that the Mariners could re-sign him.
Giovanny Urshela – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and hit his first major league homer after being called up the other day to replace Lonnie Chisenhall. He looks like the regular third baseman for now in Cleveland and here’s what Prospect Mike said this offseason, “Urshela is exciting from a fantasy perspective because he has at least average power and can stick at third base thanks to plus defense. He’s been young at each stop in the minor leagues and yet has handled himself with the bat. The 23-year-old was a J2 signing way back in 2008 and is now close to reaching the majors. He may get a chance to fight for the third base job this spring, but even if he returns to Triple-A he’ll still be one of the younger players in the International League. Columbus (AAA) is a hitter’s park, but in 2014 Urshela hit just as many dingers on the road, and if I ever saw Grey on the road, I’d hit him.” Hey, wait a minute! Honestly, Mike’s more optimistic than me. I look at Urshela’s minor league numbers (3 HRs this year in AAA; 13 the year before), and I’m yawnstipated. Looks to me like a poor man’s Brandon Belt, I will call him Rope Belt. If you’re in an AL-Only league, he’s an immediate pickup, but I’d hold elsewhere for now.
Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks as the Mariners got away on getaway day about ten minutes prior to game time.
Ben Revere – Supposedly, the Mariners were interested in trading for him. Here’s the kicker, Amaro asked for Paxton or Walker in return for Revere. When a crappy offer hits your desk and you have one GM guess, that’s Amaro. When a crappy offer hits your desk wanting all of your prospects…That’s Amaro!
