You know a hitter is going well when I look to pick him up, see he’s taken, then look again a few hours later to make sure I wasn’t incorrect the first time. Then I call over Cougs and tell her to look up the player, just to make sure I’m not missing something. Then I summon my dog to the computer, and he’s good for nothing, but he does look cute trying to work a mouse. Then I call up our neighbor, who is a reverse Cougar — have I ever mentioned that we have a neighbor who is in her thirties and dates only guys in their late-70’s? Daddy issues much? Plus, she takes on the old doodes’ personas, going to the library to use a computer, eating dinner at 4 PM, calling everyone “Sonny” — and my neighbor at the library doesn’t even see the player, so I know I missed out. Yet, this hitter is only owned in 30% of leagues, so he’s available somewhere, he must be! In the last week, Norichika Aoki is hitting .517. That’s not a misprint. In fact, it’s not even a print; it’s typed on a screen. Sure, he rivaled Nadir Bupkis for the least amount of fantasy value given between April and August, but he’s on fire now. I’d grab him in all leagues. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Domonic Brown – With Aoki and Domonic, it’s the rise of the players that were garbage all year. Or as MC Lyte would say, “Crap-crapachino and it goes down light.”
Ender Inciarte – I saw he was owned in 9% of leagues, and his ownership actually went down yesterday, so I was like, “Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t own him, let alone talk about him in this week’s Buy.” Then I looked at a weekend set in Colorado, and how he’s hitting over .300 in the last week while batting at the top of the lineup and I was like, “98% of ESPN leagues are abandoned at this point and he’s owned in 9% of leagues, so he’s actually owned 107% of leagues. Maybe I shouldn’t talk about him because he’s owned in too many leagues.”
A.J. Pollock – Okay, every Rockie or Diamondback hitter should be owned for the next three days. That’s not too hard is it — that’s not what he said! Huh?
Avisail Garcia – Looking at his stats for the last week, I’m reminded of the website, Hot or Not. You know you’re getting old when you mention a website that kids wouldn’t even know. “When I was your age, I watched streaming video on Broadcast.com on a dial-up modem and tried to masturbate without knowing what the lower half of an image was going to be when it loaded. Now get off my lawn!” What I meant by Hot or Not was, Avisail hit a homer a few days ago, looked hot, then he went 0-for-4 and looked not, then had a multiple hit game and so on.
Daniel Nava – Scares me a tad when I’m looking at picking up a hitter and I see he was benched in the last few games for a different guy. No time right now to own guys that aren’t in the lineup every day. It’s why I’m scared off on guys like Rusney, Pederson and their ilk. Ilk is chillin’, Gizz is chillin’! Nava did have a homer the other day and seems to be playing and hitting the majority of the time.
Jordan Schafer – SAGNOF!
Ken Giles – After Papelbon got suspended for doing what every major leaguer does at least fifteen times a game — grab his crotch — Giles was moved into the closer slot. Won’t stay there the rest of the season, but for at least the next four days.
Jared Burton – The Glen Perkins Band needed a new bandleader when Glen Perkins went down with a sore neck, so Burton stepped up even though — and this is merely a rumor — he couldn’t even finish watching Strictly Ballroom. Now, Perkins has revealed he has nerve irritation in his elbow, and is likely done for the season. Burton is freaked — there’s weddings we’re scheduled to perform at?! — but he has to and will step up.
Edward Mujica – Guess how I came up with what SAGNOF’ers to grab for saves? I looked at my RCL team to see who I owned. I also have Storen, but he’s way past 50% owned.
Jose Quintana – This week’s starters are all coming from the Stream-o-Nator. There’s no other reason to own a pitcher at this point in the season. Squint directly at the SON and enjoy that photokeratitis, I demand of you, and I talk like a foreigner.
Yusmeiro Petit – Bit surprised to see him still only owned in less than 50% of leagues. Never the hoo! He gets the Padres tomorrow. I’d start my hair dresser, Jeffrey, against the Padres if he was in the majors.
Charlie Morton – Sunday’s a little bit lacking on streamers, so if you’re in a tight H2H matchup, make sure you have a bunch of Saturday starters if you can’t get any good ones on Sunday. This was brought to you by the Fantasy Master Lothario, he really cares.
Wilin Rosario – From ESPN, “(Rosario’s) overall .257/.295/.415 batting line has made him mostly a disappointment this season.” Mostly, huh? That’s like saying Bea Arthur was mostly manly. Rosario’s still not playing every day, but he has been hitting recently, and you know the Hitter-Tron likes him more than rubbing its metal genitals against a furnace.
Jedd Gyorko – He has a hit in almost every game this month. Yes, the ‘almost’ is key there. Hasn’t shown a ton of power recently. Probably because it’s 600 feet to dead center. Move in your fences, Padres!
Javier Baez – If you’re desperate for power and speed and can handle five straight games of 0-for-5 with 5 Ks, I’d grab him. On a side note, he’s going to be a tough guy to rank and/or draft next year, kinda of hard to trust a guy that could hit .180 on the low end or .220 on the high end.
David Freese – Behind the scenes, I’m currently going over the top 20 recaps that will be published once the season ends, and with that I’m also going through some old comments from haters back in the preseason. This one is kinda classic, “I can’t see how you have Freese with a .260 avg after only one year of hitting at around .260. Are you aware that in his entire major and minor league career he’s hit well over .290? You must dislike the man to come up with that assessment, or perhaps you just intend to downgrade him to get him very cheap in some league. One good year does not make a star. Likewise, one bad year does not make a bum. In fantasy sports people have the bad habit of judging players only by the numbers they had the previous year. I see Freese finding his mojo in LA surrounded by that Angels lineup; that of course, assuming he stays healthy all year. If his feet and his back do not become an issue Freese will do much better than what you predicted. And if he has health issues he will still do better than a mere .260. Last year was an aberration. You just have to take a glance at his career ratios.” He was right, he’s hitting .261. Any the hoo! Freese has been hot in the last week, so you can grab him, unless you’re in a league with that guy and he’s owned him all year.
Brandon Crawford – One guy has hit better in the last week than Aoki, can you guess who? No, not Teddy Higuera, he’s a retired pitcher. Rolf Freeter? That’s a made up name! Read the name in the front of the blurb, doode! It’s Crawford. C’mon, that’s easy.
Christian Walker – I wanted to give you at least one 1st baseman to possibly pick up, and this is what I came up with since Pearce, Lind, Hosmer and Loney were owned in too many leagues to warrant mention (not owned in too many leagues to not warrant mentioning that I couldn’t mention them — natch!). Walker could see time at first base since the O’s clinched and Chris Davis was suspended, and Christian doesn’t curse, drink or smoke — what does he do? He hits homers — 26 of them in the minors this year. By the by, have you heard that a day after Chris Davis was suspended, he lifted a car off a trapped motorist? No kidding. He must have the same PR person as George Zimmerman.
Elvis Andrus – How is he even owned in 50% of leagues let alone 94% of leagues? Oh, wait…*thinking back on the math from Ender’s blurb* Oh, he’s only owned in 2% of active leagues, so it’s all good.
Nolan Arenado – When I started writing this, The Flaming Lips came on my iTunes signing, “Do you realize that everyone you know someday will die?” What an uplifter! The Flaming Lips are in that group of musicians like the Beastie Boys. They came out with their first song and so obviously seemed like a one-hit wonder. “Oh, yeah, the ‘She Don’t Use Jelly’ guys? Yeah, they’re gonna go far. Maybe they can release another song on 90210.” Or “‘Fight for Your Right to Party’ is catchy and all but those guys are such a novelty act, instead I’ll take House of Pain.” Wait, what was I saying about Arenado? Oh, yeah, I like him, but he’s in bed with a hot water bottle on his forehead. I’d lose him.
Any Pitcher With A Bad Matchup – It’s that time of the year, folks and four female folks. There’s not a pitcher I’d hold onto if he had a tough next matchup. I’d even drop guys that have a decent next matchup if I needed room to grab someone else knowing that I could just pick up a different starter with a decent matchup. You need to go for broke! Keep in mind, I don’t mean go for broke as in starting a blog.