Marcus Semien was so grateful to be the 2nd week’s Buy lede that Semien shot up, overcome, thanking people in spurts. First, Semien said he had to give a hand to Reddick. Then Semien said, as much as it hurts him, Burns challenges him to be better, more fluid in his follow through. Semien says that before he’d get stale like dried paste. I heard through the grapevine that the A’s are being cautious about moving Semien up in the lineup between Burns and Reddick for fear of being labeled NC-17. “I have no recollection of a conversation about Semien, but I would be against it.” That’s Tipper Gore consulting with MLB. Marcus Semien has four homers, hitting .276, and he has 12-steal speed. So, that’s roughly 65/18/65/.260/12 on the year. Yeah, that’s better than that other schmohawk you have in your MI slot. I would absolutely add Semien all over. Plus, it’s a great moisturizer! Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Javier Baez – “There’s my way or there’s the highway. My way entails six guys for each position and mixing and matching my lineup every day when I could very well just leave the same lineup all season and win 100 games. The highway is the I-5 and it goes south to the minors.” That’s Joe Maddon explaining his managerial expertise to his players. I like the flyer on Baez, but I wouldn’t expect him to play every day.
Scooter Gennett – As I hypothesized prior to the commencement of the 162-game season, the Brewers are playing for not a thing, why should they not play Scooter every marking of a day on the calendar? The preceding is a sentence written by a college student trying to meet a minimum word requirement.
Jonathan Schoop – In this corner weighing something, I don’t feel like looking it up, is Schoop with 25-homer power who is owned in only 40% of leagues. In this corner is Brock Holt with 4-homer power who is owned in 80% of leagues. Here I am in another corner selling Red Sox gear to the Brock Holt owners. Here is the cops in the fourth corner asking for my souvenir vendor license. Here I am grabbing an apple, putting it in my mouth and skedaddling out of there.
Yasmani Grandal – When OBPwulf opened at the Grandal Opry, critics raved about the line dancers in Daisy Dukes, saying that was some serious “poon twang.” Now, the show is on its last leg, which is not a comment on the one usher who lost his leg to diabetes. Can OBPWulf rise again to rave reviews? Me tinks toe, as the mildly racist character from the show, Dragon Radee, would say.
Chris Carter – The truth is out there, says Chris Carter. Cheap power and low average are also out there, says the guy telling you about Chris Carter on waivers in 75% of leagues.
Mitch Moreland – He hasn’t done much of anything so far this year, but the Hitter-Tron is making bedroom eyes at him. Or maybe the Hitter-Tron is eyeing that adjacent fax machine.
Jake Lamb – He’s one baaaaaaahd Lambo-jambo!
Adonis Garcia – Finding good bats on bad teams is not easy and I don’t think Adonis is a good bat on a bad team but I do think the Braves are a bad team. I’ve painted myself into a logic corner and I can’t get out. A little help? Turn to page 24, call Adonis a hot schmotato and move on.
Aledmys Diaz – You’d think I really liked Aledmys with how many times I’ve said to pick him up. For deep leagues, he has an opportunity for at-bats. Hold on, it seems a Nigerian prince just left me a million dollars. Take this blog and shove it up your– My intern tells me that was spam. Let’s continue.
Nick Ahmed – He could be the thing that cures your MI problems, or Ahmedicine.
Jeremy Hazelbaker – I just gave you my Jeremy Hazelbaker fantasy. It was written without the letter P. Stupid keyboard bought off eBay!
Mallex Smith – SAGNOF! On a related note, here’s an exchange the other day between commenters, They Might Be Giants, royce! and uncdrew, “I wonder if Mallex Smith’s parents were huge fans of Family Ties. It’s like they wanted Mallory and Alex to be their children, but they could only pick one.” “Apparently, the real story is not as amazing, but pretty close, Smith said, ‘Everyone in my family has a first name starting with ‘M.’ But there was a smart kid in our apartments named Alex. My mom liked his name. So I became Mallex. I’m Alex with an ‘M.” “I’ll take ‘Examples You’re Not Ready for Parenthood’ for $200, Alex.”
Joey Rickard – Doesn’t he sound like someone who would be a roadie for Mellencamp? “I don’t want to have to fire Joey Rickard, but he was drunk as sh*t yesterday, so the tuning was off and Pink Houses sounded like f**king crap!” Meh, maybe it’s me. Rickard is a decent flyer for runs and speed.
Vince Velasquez – Went over him this morning. Make like a mouse and scroll!
Andrew Cashner – The Stream-o-Nator likes Cashner, so unless you’re a feminist who thinks liking a man is a sign of weakness, I’d try him.
Josh Tomlin – I never would’ve considered Tomlin if it weren’t for the Stream-o-Nator, and, I have to be honest, I’m still kinda on the USS Trepid.
Matt Moore – As you can see on the Stream-o-Nator, in RCL leagues, Moore is owned in 62% of leagues, so he’d be ineligible for the grand prize of making it into the Buy column, but he’s only owned in 25% of ESPN leagues. Since the RCLs make up about 95% of ESPN leagues that means he’s only owned in .05% of all non-RCL ESPN leagues. My math could be off here.
Brandon Finnegan – Another guy that is owned in way more RCL leagues than regular ESPN leagues. Makes me wonder — who, who, who, who wrote the book of love? Dr. Ruth. — could ESPN’s ownership numbers be way off? Wouldn’t be the first time they did something that was untoward accurate. I’m pretty sure untoward is also inaccurate in that sentence.
Jeanmar Gomez – He has twice as many saves as Kimbrel. Granted, if that was said in September, it would carry a bit more weight, but I wish I was in a league where Gomez was avail. (Yeah, I said avail. Live with it!)
Ryan Madson – Doolittle has been either injured or ineffective for two years. Mostly just injured, and I don’t see that getting better in the landmark case of sooner vs. later. John Axford is a potential grab in this bullpen too.
Kevin Jepsen – I just gave you my Glen Perkins fantasy. It didn’t end with a miraculous shoulder injury recovery, but it sounds like that could be happening as it was reported Perkins could return when eligible. I’d still grab Jepsen on the off chance Perkins can’t return. And, now, I have the song, It’s Time for the Percolator, stuck in my head. Terrific. Only known removal of that song is a lobotomy. Or drinking with someone with the last name O’Malley.
Joakim Soria – Wade Davis says he’s battling a bit of a dead arm, but isn’t worried. For saves? You must be Joakim.
SELL
Trevor Story – I wrote Trevor Story’s name under Sell and I wasn’t immediately struck by lightning, so I think smiting might not happen, or if you like portmanteaus, smightn’tappen. That is a portmanteau that is bound to catch on! I want to emphasize, I wouldn’t sell Story for just any old player while guarding against Story’s collapse. You hit the jackpot by drafting him. You don’t trade a jackpot for a pot of jack shizz. You can sell Story for a top 50 player now with ease. Is he a top 50 player himself? Maybe. Here’s what we do know: at some point, pitchers will catch up to him. Jose Reyes will return. There’s no C. Wait, there wasn’t even an A or B. Story can only get worse, he can’t get better. How much worse? I still think he’s a top five shortstop, so, don’t sell him for a fuzzy found in Mr. T’s belly button, but I would explore options.
