So, I’m here today to talk about The Gregorius D.I.D. Yo, tell me, who’s hot, who’s not, who still out on waivers? Check out my mustache, I’m no shaver. D-I-D P-O-P-P-A, no info from the ESPN. Free agents mad cause I’m flagrant. Call my cell and I’m in my mom’s basement. My fantasy team supreme, stay clean in the offseason. Bats in holsters, pitchers and their effin’ shoulders. Playboy, I told ya, cause I talk to the centerfolds and they talk back to me. Hanley bruise too much, I lose too much. I guess it’s cause you run and come up lame too much. Me lose my touch? Never that! If I did, ain’t no problem to pick up a bat. Yo, waivers, where the true players at? So, Didi Gregorious, BK’s finest, has been smoking hot for the past week and should be owned in every league. In the last week, he’s hitting near .600 with three homers. Will it continue? There’s only three weeks left of the season, it doesn’t matter if it will continue. It’s Cadbury Crunchie time, own players that are producing right now, honeycomb. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Wilmer Flores – Should return soon and go back to hitting. Right now, he’s away from the team on a family emergency. His sister told him that their mother traded all their Mets paraphernalia for Brewers souvenirs and now the guy they traded with doesn’t want to return the Mets jersey and pennants.
Eduardo Escobar – I mentioned this in the lede, but it’s worth beating over the head like it’s Gilligan and I’m the Skipper. There’s guys that are a lot more exciting in the big picture, but Eduardo is hitting so he’s a lot more attractive in the short-term, and in all redraft leagues, short-term is all you should be worried about.
Javier Baez – Wanna know where my lack of enthusiasm for Seager is coming from? See how much Baez is playing for a full explanation.
Blake Swihart – You know Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart owns Swihart on his fantasy team just because.
J.P. Arencibia – Has been hitting. That sentence also works if has been is hyphenated.
Hector Olivera – British Beatlemania, Ole Miss, John Glenn, Liston beats Patterson. Sorry, it’s hard for me not to do that any time I come across someone’s name that rhymes with Lawrence of Arabia.
Brett Lawrie – I could’ve made Lawrie the lede this week since he’s been so hot, but I wasn’t sure how many of you would’ve remembered the Jerry “The King” Lawler rap.
Joey Gallo – If I had my druthers and knew what druthers were, Gallo would be starting over Venable, but that doesn’t seem to be the case right now. I would make sure to own Gallo in all dynasty leagues, assuming Joan Collins is already owned.
Nick Castellanos – This offseason is going to be the winter of Castellanos. Can’t you feel the excitement?
Jayson Werth – Is Werth the best thing since sliced bread? Yes, if you’re listing all the best things and sliced bread is listed around 1,200th, then Werth would be right after that.
Marlon Byrd – You know what they say, a Byrd in the hand is worth two in the bush. Actually, that was totally inaccurate at the original Woodstock. Doodes be losing hands in Woodstock bush.
Michael Conforto – Fun fact! Michael Conforto is the name of Al Pacino’s Godfather character in African bootleg DVDs due to poor translating. A famous quote in Zimbabwe is Don Conforto saying, “I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuel.”
Tom Wilhelmsen – McClendon is using Wilhelmsen as the closer. Dot dot dot. After he tried using Wilhelmsen as a shelf.
Daniel Hudson – Recently, Ziegler’s looked like the cat’s meow. If the cat meows right after it eats something and its jaw gets locked and it walks around doing a weird meow-slash-yawn hybrid.
Derek Holland – Holland’s looked so good I wanna put my tulips on him. There’s a 16th century Dutch ghost reading this and laughing.
Matt Shoemaker – I don’t even know The Cobbler’s next start, that’s how confident I am in him! *looks up his next start* Okay, not that confident, but I’d start him there.
Drew Hutchison – I know it doesn’t seem entirely logical to throw Hutchison in every home game — it’s not like his home stadium is pitcher friendly — but his home ERA is 2.46, and Hutch should be thrown. The Stream-o-Nator also agrees while it tries to get its sister from dating the Hitter-Tron.
Brett Anderson – Another Stream-o-Nator call like the call it made to its sister that went like this, “Hitter-Tron just wants to get in your muffler. What don’t you understand?” Sounds like a Lifetime movie with robots.
Mark Teixeira – Um, yeah, he’s hurt. Control, alt, delete him from your team.
Freddie Freeman – No, I’m not dropping him in every league. If the best 1st baseman on your waivers is Jesus Montero, then Jesus hold. But for the final few weeks, Freeman or Lind? Well, could go either way, and Lind is just as likely to be as good.
Gerardo Parra – In the end, you should’ve never trusted anyone named after a one-hit wonder.
Jay Bruce – I could backdate this to March and it would still make sense. I’m not saying to drop Jay Bruce. I’m am advising you to remove this ulcer from your team. If you watched Show Me A Hero on HBO, I have it on good authority that Oscar Isaacs got into character for the constant source of stress from his housing predicament by trading for Bruce in real life (this also helped him get in the Bruce Springsteen spirit). Ah, method actors. By the by, Show Me A Hero was solid; only David Simon could make a story about bureaucracy the least bit fascinating. I still like Tyler, the Creator’s song about Yonkers better. Bruce could hit a home run tomorrow, then do nothing for two weeks. Haven’t we seen this act before? It’s rhetorical, but if you must answer. Yes, we’ve this same shizz before from this schmohawk. No, I’m not unwilling to take risks. I am not circumspect. Grey is not circumspect! By the by, someone should open a store that sells eyeglasses called Circumspecs. But keeping Bruce is actually more risky than just streaming hitters. Goodbye, Bruce, I am free of your agita-inducing and now I have to go explain to the New Jersey Chamber of Commerce why I’m badmouthing a Bruce.