We all know what to hoist by one’s own petard means, right? It’s like when Wile E. Coyote tries to drop a cannonball on the Road Runner, but the cannonball’s heft breaks off the cliff and plunges Wile E. to his untimely demise. (Clearly, the best Shakespearean example.) That’s how I feel about rookie pitchers. You grab them because of the upside, then hoist them up and they roofie you and, next thing you know, your kidney is replacing El Chapo’s. On the Prospect-o-Nator, Alex Reyes is the 2nd best rookie pitcher this year, behind Walker Buehler. Clearly, Alex Reyes needs to be owned, but he’s A) Rookie. B) Returning from Tommy John surgery. C) There’s no C. If things break right, he could be an ace for the last four months of the season. If things break wrong, your fantasy team could plunge to its untimely demise. Remember, never go full petard. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Devin Mesoraco – Every time someone on the Mets gets an idea, put a light bulb in Mesoraco’s mouth. “Yo, Mesoraco, you are my figurative bright idea.” That’s Mickey Callaway realizing he should have his players bat according to the lineup card.
Ryon Healy – You lost out on Matt Adams, so you have to do something. It’s unlikely Healy will lose 75 pounds and start dating a tattoo artist who is freaky-deaky, but he could be just as valuable as Adams.
Mitch Moreland – I hate the world today. *mumbles lyrics for about 30 seconds, then the chorus…* I’m a Mitch lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother. I’m a sinner, I’m a saint.. I DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED!
Alen Hanson – I’ve resisted talking about Hanson, because he’s such an Mmmmmflop, but he has been playing and hitting.
Colin Moran – Couldn’t believe how much I enjoyed watching Moran hit. Was like I was a 6-year-old boy watching Erin Moran braless during the Battle of the Network Stars. She may be dead, but only IRL, not IGM. (In Grey’s Mind, was that clear?)
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – Fun! The pickup, that is. If you’re not having fun picking up the Mini Impaler, you’re not breathing. If you’re not breathing, you’re a zombie. If you’re a zombie, does all brain custard taste the same? Inquiring minds want to know. Zombie pun!
Miguel Rojas – I like to give you at least one guy from every position, but it was hard wrangling a shortstop this week. Without using my hands to count, there were about three considerations. Luis Urias? Meh, maybe, but the Padres don’t have much reason to promote. Brandon Crawford was available to talk about, but so meh. Jurickson Profar could’ve been mentioned, but he’s been hitting well and still around .220 with two homers. More like ho-hum-nerds! Amiright?! (Prolly not right, in this unstints.) Rojas, on the other hand (I said no hands!), has five homers and two steals, and playing. People are mentioning Profar, but not Rojas? As they ask in Looney Toon Town in Cuba, “Porque Puig?”
Matt Kemp – No struggle at all for me to push you to buy into Kemp. I can’t believe he’s not already owned. Sure, the Dodgers are a dumpster fire in the middle of a toxic waste dump, but Kemp’s been bad? Hint: No.
Daniel Palka – If you say this guy’s name in a Polish bar-slash-Pierogi grill house, you may get punched. “Didja you say ‘Damn Polka?” “Dan!” As A.J. Pierzynski and his friends surround you with their switchblades facing the wrong way.
Tyler Naquin – Could be nothing but a hot schmotato, but Naquin the Chef isn’t only built 4 subbin’ stinks. We could trade pieces, get lifted in the fantasy races. Word up, peace Incarcerated Waiver Wire faces.
Tyler Clippard – Sticking with the new established Tyler theme, the new Jays closer. Or not. I legit have no idea. I’m holding Oh, Tepera, Clippard, Axford–Oh, hell no, not Axford. The other three, though, I am holding.
Shane Greene – Was surprised to see him owned in less than 50% of leagues (the official cutoff for this facacta list). Y’all don’t like SAGNOF? Whatcha got against it? You mother–*charges at you, held back by someone, though, not really fighting hard to get through that person’s arms* You better hope they don’t let me go?! I’m coming for you!
Brad Brach – With O’Day injured, Brach will get saves again for the Everlasting Sobfloppers. Word up, peace Incarcerated Waiver Wire faces. (Sorry, stuck in my head.)
Domingo German – I gave you my Domingo German fantasy the other day, but this is more about what the Stream-o-Nator is thinking this weekend. Like how it thinks about starting a family with a toaster and its hand.
Mike Soroka – Not only are there a ton of Stream-o-Nator calls this weekend that I’m not mentioning, but Soroka is also a guy I could see owning. Lots of good stuff. Really, fun, wild, stuff. Super good, fun, wonderful–Okay, you get it.
Patrick Corbin – Okay, love him. I’m not saying drop Corbin. I wrote a sleeper post for him this offseason. My love is deep, strong and true for Corbin. What I’m saying is have you seen his stats? Yo, shizz went goofy. Not saying he’s not this pitcher. I’m saying I don’t think anyone is this pitcher! He added a curveball and stopped throwing a change that has, uh, changed his landscape. Things are promising here, but not this promising. Nothing is this promising, except Kendrick Lamar’s next album. His fastball velocity is down, and he’s suddenly a 11.8 K/9 compared to the 8 K/9 he was in his career? Please, let’s not be silly with ourselves. I’d look at the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and see what you could potentially get for him. I still like him, so I wouldn’t sell him for the opportunity to get stuck in the elevator with Janice from Friends, but I would explore options.