Baltimore Works the Wire and Gains Control of a Lucrative Corner

Great Boogily ChrisDavisy! The Orioles have a legit power hitter at 1st base again! Or how on BBC (Baltimore’s Baseball Club), a polar bear conquered Mountcastle in his quest for Lake Trout, and the love a good woman. Ya see, Baltimore stole the Mets’ old bae. Salty with MSG, my fave! So, Pete Alonso is an Oriole, and Edwin Diaz is a Dodger, and I’m not pleased. I’ll piss and moan, i.e., p and m, on the other side of the paragraph break about Edwin, but first let’s get my shizz off my chest on Albombso. Really don’t understand what the Mets are doing letting Pete Alonso walk. Steve Cohen has more money than he can spend in 25 lifetimes. If they overpay for Pete, will Cohen not be able to put food on the table? Will the contract look bad in five years? Who cares? Cross that Queensbridge then. There’s a certain type of analyst who will say things like, “This is just smart. Pete was only worth $21M AAV for three years” or some nonsense. It’s so infuriating. Why do people care how a billionaire spends their money? Pete was worth what someone paid. That’s it. Fin. Periodt, or whatever the hell Zoomers say. So, Alonso goes to a park that has a fence, and he will hit the ball over it 40 times. That’s pretty much him in any park. Curious like a cat, so I looked at Statcast’s “How many homers would this guy hit in this park” and was surprised any were under 40 homers for Pete. A few were (Fenway, Detroit), Camden was not one. (It’s so hilarious how Bing Bong Stadium in SacTown is always the highest; Pete is at 56 HRs there. El oh el.) Orioles’ lineup will do its part to help Pete with counting stats, as it’s now stacked as one of the best in baseball with Beavers right there in the middle. Sorry, I’m still a juvenile. 2026 Projections: 93/40/112/.252/2 in 592 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason in 2026 fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! I’m currently rolling out my 2026 fantasy baseball rankings on the Patreon. Don’t wait for the rankings to come out next month. Anyway II, the roundup:

Ryan Helsley – Signed with the Orioles. Oh, yeah, this’ll work. What Helsley really needed was new surroundings. No, not new surroundings like after he was traded last year and was awful for the Mets. He needed new new surroundings. Meh, I’m all about cheap saves, and if Helsley is cheap, then fine. 2026 Projections: 4-3/3.84/1.36/72, 24 saves in 62 IP

Taylor Ward – Traded to the Orioles for Grayson Rodriguez. Orioles need pitching, so they trade for more outfielders. Angels need everything, so they trade for an excellent lottery ticket. Could this be a Rare Angels Fleece Job (trades as RAFJ on the NASDAQ), but if Grayson’s elbow is officially Cook City, then this trade for the Angels is only good in theory, and we don’t play baseball games in the Theory stores of the mall, so this trade is impossible to grade properly right now. Therefore, I will give the Angels a B and the Orioles a C-. 2026 Projections: 81/32/96/.233/6 in 581 ABs

Edwin Diaz – Signed with the Dodgers. Dodgers only negative was their bullpen and they just added Edwin Diaz. This is not the Dodgers’ fault. Other teams shouldn’t have allowed it. They should’ve done everything in their power to stop it, namely they should’ve paid more money than the Dodgers. Unfortunately, half the league cries poor. Rays over here trying to make Steven Matz happen; Red Sox making trades for Johan Oviedo. Diaz got $69 million for three years. How does Steve Cohen allow that to happen? If you’re the Mets, you cannot let Diaz leave. This shizz sucks, and I’m no Mets fan, but competitive balance-wise it’s a mess. 2026 Projections: 5-1/2.24/0.89/94, 37 saves in 62 IP

Harry Ford – Traded to the Nats. Not entirely sure why the Mariners gave up on him. I mean, I get they have a catcher that puts the back in backstop, but a backup, uh, backstop is worthwhile. Any hoo! Harry Ford perplexes me because his full name is Harrison Ford. How do you not go by that? Are you a dummy? Being Harrison Ford is rad! You can call up Mark Hamill and be like, “Shut up, you giant loser! This is Harrison Ford.” I don’t know if the Nats are ready to move on from Keibert Ruiz, but they seem open to entertaining it. So, I might project Harrison Ford at some point, but I only project guys who will be inside my top 500, and right now Ford isn’t, if he doesn’t have the at-bats.

Sonny Gray – Traded to the Red Sox for Dick Fitts. Guess Dick Fitts better in St. Louis. So, as many of you know, Sonny Gray has been a long-time friend of Grey. A FOG. Gray is my Sonny. To the east is the Sonny up, and to the west is Gray. He’s been my north star. I love K-BB. I set my clock to that shizz. As I’ve said so many times before, if you lost your rankings the day of your draft, you could just draft pitching based on K-BB. Sonny Gray’s one of the best for K-BB: 10 K/9, 1.9 BB/9. So, now? Fenway sucks for him. He’s already had so many problems with BABIP and now he goes to one of the worst parks for BABIP for pitchers? I might’ve been looking for a reason to avoid Sonny, but now I have it. 2026 Projections: 12-9/3.91/1.26/182 in 171 IP

Johan Oviedo – Traded to the Red Sox. This is one of those “much better for real baseball” than fantasy. You can never have enough arms if you’re a MLB team. Give me eight arms and two hands together in a prayer motion that I can get enough innings out of all of them in 162 games. For fantasy? Meh, Oviedo’s an AL-Only flyer.

Gerrit Cole – Aiming for a return in late-May, early-June. That comes after they said he’d be facing hitters in the spring. Next update is gonna have him returning September or what? “Or what” covers everything, so technically I’m correct.

Mike Soroka – Signed with the DBags. He wore the Shroud of Touki once upon a time (2019, when he was 21), but there’s been a lot of iffy between that and now. A sea of iffy. A whole iffy expanse. An iffy ravine. An iffy–You get it.

Richard Fitts – Him and Brandon Clarke went to the Cardinals. I said Dick Fitts better in St. Louis! You never seen the arch? That’s really a giant hole for Dick Fitts. Ooh, someone is knocking on my door. Crap, it’s Cancel Police. Uh, no one’s home!

Dylan Cease – Signed by the Jays. Cease said to media, “I like what the Jays did with Alek Manoah. I want to take that path.” NOOOOO!!! What? No, he didn’t say that. He said, “I’m going to Canada because I like my milk in a bag.” No, he didn’t say that either. He said he’s a big fan of Rob Ford. RIP, Big Dog! So, Cease is exactly perfect for real baseball — stays healthy, gets Ks, goes deep enough. For fantasy? He’s pretty scary to mess with. He could be fine, ERA was high last year, due to his BABIP and homers allowed. His 11.5 K/9, 3.8 BB/9 should produce around a 3.50 ERA and 220 Ks. Should is a funny thing because it gives one the idea the pitcher has any real control on most of the categories that are out of his control. Personally, waving the white flag on big Ks and maybe okay ratios. The headache that was last year is still too fresh in my mind. 2026 Projections: 12-10/3.88/1.28/223 in 183 IP

Cody Ponce – Signed with the Jays. Isn’t a Ponce a…well ya know? Don’t you watch British cop shows? I’m on my BritBox Fantasy Team Name Generator and it’s saying to call my team, “Nine Wankers And A Ponce.” So, Ponce won the KBO MVP with 180 2/3 IP and a 12.6 K/9, 2 BB/9 and a 1.89 ERA, at 31 years of age. He had a 7+ ERA the last time he was in the majors, but, in fairness, he was a 6.72 ERA pitcher the year before in Korea, then seemingly unlocked a change. Not a change like “A change gonna come” but like he learned to throw a better change. It’s a solid flyer as a four or five. 2026 Projections: 8-7/3.97/1.30/153 in 159 IP

Alek Manoah – Signed by the Angels. There’s no ex-superstar that the Angels won’t take a chance on. Angels signed Kurt Suzuki to manage them, but there’s at least a five percent chance the front office was like, “Can he catch or is he just a DH?”

Vaughn Grissom – Traded to the Angels. When the Angels set their sights on guy who was once interesting, but hasn’t been in three years, boy, nothing coming between them! Guessing Grissom will be their 2nd baseman, but only if he’s terrible. If he’s actually good, he’ll be sent to the minors. 2026 Projections: 42/8/51/.267/12 in 406 ABs

Grayson Rodriguez – Went the other way in the Taylor Ward trade, going to the Angels. A team legendary for developing pitchers. [earpiece buzzing] What’s that? The Angels haven’t developed anyone without the last name Weaver in 25 years? Ah, I see. Bummer! Thankfully, Grayson is developed. Hopefully, he’s not developed bone spurs on his elbow, though. Or anything else on the arm-a-roo-ski. Grayson’s value is going to come down to how many innings he can pitch. By the way, I know I’m maturing (barely) because I saw a competitor of ours say they were giving Grayson 130 IP and said that was conservative, and I guffawed but didn’t publicly say anything. It’s not conservative. It’s prolly not realistic. 90 to 110 is likely realistic. 50 innings and shut down is possible too. 130 IP would be his highest innings total in a season and that is not realistic. It’s a solid lottery ticket though, and I don’t see why not, as long as the price is reasonable enough in drafts. 2026 Projections: 8-5/3.71/1.26/122 in 112 IP

Nick Allen – Traded from the Braves to the Astros for Mauricio Dubon, i.e., the Braves had a Duboner! And the Astros are going All-en! I can’t be stopped! [sees a matcha, sits down and sips it] Okay, so I can be stopped. Will Allen or Dubon play every day for their new teams? Hmm, how about this: Should they? No, not with those bats.

Jhostynxon Garcia – Traded to the Pirates for Johan Oviedo. Here’s what Itch said about Jhosty/nxon, “A right-handed hitter listed at 6’0” 163 lbs, Garcia looks bigger than that to the eye. In 114 games across Double and Triple-A, the Password slashed .267/.340/.470 with 21 home runs and seven stolen bases, earning a five-game cup of coffee in August. Too bad he didn’t spill hot coffee on Grey’s lap.” Aw, c’mon! So, the Pirates swiped the Red Sox Password, though I am obviously partial to the Jhosty/nxon nickname because I am in favor of more obscure references. This trade is one of the rare “both sides did well.” Jhosty is super intriguing with speed and speed, but he might struggle to hit .220. 2026 Projections: 48/17/54/.217/8 in 411 ABs

Brandon Nimmo – Traded to the Rangers for Semien. Finally, a trade of “Meh? That’s harsh, but fair. How about I trade you our meh for your meh?” I like this trade more for Texas, because I don’t care about defense, but, if you care about this in reality, and Nimmo leaving opens a spot for another free agent bat for the Mets, and Semien is nothing but a nine-hole hitter, then, sure, I guess it’s fine for both teams. Texas was near-worst park last year and year before. (Curiously, near top the year it won the World Series. Hmm, indeed. By the way, Rangers winning the World Series is already a tough trivia question barely two years later.) Nimmo doesn’t have real power or speed, but can do enough of both to be worthwhile. 2026 Projections: 87/21/66/.257/10 in 561 ABs

Devin Williams – Signed with the Mets. Actually like this signing, but only if the Mets bring in Robert Suarez or someone to close. If the job of closer is heaped onto Devin, then I might be a tad less optimistic, but still like him for a bounce back. The numbers last year do not back up a near-5 ERA. I will project him in  my top 500 in February, but not until we’re sure he’s closing or working the 8th.

Marcus Semien – Traded to the Mets. Semien traded to the Mets, the home of the original F-Bomb. Every time Semien homers in Metco, they should explode an apple and say it’s an F-Bomb. If you don’t know what I’m talking  about, Gary Carter originated the phrase F-bomb. I am not joking.

I’m sorry, who are you calling a word nerd? Semien in the Big Apple is some sick Prince Charming/Sleeping Beauty subreddit. I do not need to know more! It also won’t help his incredibly sad offensive trajectory the last two years. 2026 Projections: 64/16/64/.235/10 in 434 ABs

Randy Dobnak – Signed with the Mariners. Looks like the team now knows how it’s getting to the park.