Fantasy Baseball Advice

The answer to the pregunta, “Que es CarGo?” no longer requires an obligatory snail reference as he ended his 15 game homerless streak to start 2012 with 2 HRs against the Pirates, going 3-for-4 with 4 RBIs. He’s never going to hit .336 again like he did in 2010 (doubt he’ll ever hit .300 with his K-rate) but he is one of the few players that has legitimate 30 HR/20 SB potential. He had a similarly slow start last year before a great May/June (11 HR, 10 SB, .300+ AVG). If you can get a CarGo owner to sell low for a 3rd round or later OF like Jay Bruce or Adam Jones, sign that waybill or stick your hand in one of their many pockets or some other strained metaphor. Other fantasy baseball news….

Yu Darvish - Darvish out-samurai’d Kuroda with an 8 1/3 IP, 10K, 9 baserunner, 119 pitch effort against the Yankees. That’s 3-0 now for Darvish with wins against the Tigers and Yankees. Even better, he had only 2 BBs after entering the game with 14 walks in his first 3 outings. He has the stuff to put up 20 wins and 200 Ks but I’m not sold just yet that he’ll be able to maintain his control or hair color.

Johan Santana – Great start by Johan – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 Ks – that didn’t net a win because the Mets have yet to score for him in 4 starts. It’s hard to jump on board the Santanawagon based on his velocity to date (88 MPH on the fastball) but even a return of 2008-2009 Santana (8 K/9 and near 3.00 ERA) would be a nice return given his draft slot. Maybe they’d have more money to build around Santana if they paid him in Madoff shares.

Shin-Soo Choo - Left the game with left hamstring tightness – which was a relief (as a multi-team owner) as he was pinch-hit for with Jason Donald with the bases loaded. If he wasn’t physically hurt, that kind of thing would have to mentally hurt. He might miss a game but the Shin-Soo Choo train should be running again in no time.

Jair Jurrjens – Demoted to AAA after a ghastly first 4 starts – 16 IP, 30 Hits, 17 ER, 10 BB(!), 8 Ks. He’s not a great pitcher but he’s managed two very good ERA seasons (despite poor FIP) in 2009 (2.60 ERA vs. 3.68 FIP) and 2011 (2.96 ERA vs. 3.99 FIP). Or maybe he is just the living proof of Saberhagenmetrics and you should stash him for next year.

Josh Johnson – The Mets seem to be running a Slumpbuster service for aces – one day after giving Lincecum his first win in a WHIP-filled 5 innings, Josh Johnson threw a 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 K gem. He’s had a rough start in his first couple of starts (16 IP, 8 K) but his performance should be fine as long as he stays healthy. And a guy who jumps from the roof of a skyscraper should be fine as long as he remains airborne.

Andrew McCutchen – Finally some RBIs for the Dread Pirate! 17 singles and 3 doubles in 15 games resulted in only 2 RBIs to start the year but he got 3 RBIs last night on a groundout and 2-run double. I think the braiding session between him, Presley, and Tabata really paid dividends.

Tom Milone – Earned a win with an 8 IP, 3 hits, 5 K, 0 BB gem against the White Sox. He’s never going to be a dominant K guy but he’s turning into a must-start at least for home starts – even if his name reminds me of a loser’s MySpace friend list (yes, I know…what non-loser has MySpace….it’s creative license).

David Price – Complete game shutout against the Angels. He must’ve been mad at Arte Moreno for saying he wasn’t an object during the Pujols negotiations.

Mike Aviles - 4 for 5 with 2 doubles, a HR, 2 runs and 3 RBI against Nick Hackburn and the Twins. Aviles now has 3 HRs and is hitting well over .300. Not to mention the trifecta in position eligibilty (2B/SS/3B). Definite sell high candidate as he seems to have a meteoric streak like this every year and then falls down to Earth.

David Ortiz – Big Papi is hitting .444 with 3 HRs so far. He really seems to be physically and emotionally into the game.

Rex Brothers – The Rex Brothers tag-teamed on a few of our teams’ ERA/WHIPs with a disastrous 4 batters – double, single, double, walk – against the season-long slumping Pirates. That’s now two straight outings where he got no outs (so two straight ings?). Love his K potential and he might have an outside chance at the closer gig at some point….but he’s unownable in mixed leagues right now and near unplayable in NL-only leagues.

Hunter Pence - Put his owners and Phillie fans through the ringer the last couple days. Hurt his shoulder over the weekend, sat on Monday, had an MRI during the day on Tuesday, was twurmered (tweet murmur) to be sitting today, and then hit a 2-run HR at night. Way to put the Pence in suspense, Hunter.

Matt Wieters – HR #6. Take note – next time there’s a hyped catcher, just wait a couple years before drafting them high.

Tony Campana – Second straight 2 SB game for Campana – even if the 2nd was an AWFUL call. Cuz safe ain’t got no face either.

Max Scherzer – Not cool, Max. It’s one thing to get blasted by the Red Sox in your first start of the season but giving up 5 ER and 12 baserunners in 5 innings at home against Seattle is like a surprise nut punch.

Gerardo Parra - 3rd SB in 6 games for Parra. SAGNOF!

Chris Perez - That’s 7 straight converted saves for Chris Perez with only 1 ER. He’s anything but a sure bet this year (5 K / 4 BB in 10 IP this year) but, if I was Pestano, I’d pull a Delilah and cut his mullet in his sleep.

Vance Worley – A very impressive start (6 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks) on a night where the ball was carrying at Chase Field (5 HRs in the game). He’s now at about 163 MLB IP with 150 Ks and a 1.22 WHIP. I think I’m catching the VW bug.

Craig Kimbrel – Got the save after giving up 1 Hit, 1 BB, and, of course, getting 3 strikeouts. Can we start calling a 3 K inning for a save a ‘Kimbrel’?

Jose Altuve - The slam and legs for Altuve. That’s 3 SBs in the past 5 games. The .350 AVG is inflated by a lucky BABIP but Altuve’s showing an improved eye (same amount of BBs this year as he did in 3x the PAs last year) which should only help his runs and SBs. If only his last name didn’t make him sound like a terrorist.

Mike Pelfrey – There are murmurs that Pelfrey may have a partially torn UCL and be sent to Dr. Freeze for Tommy John surgery – or at least Sandy Alderson can’t ‘rule this out’. He’s like bizarro-Minaya – overreporting possible injuries vs. underreport confirmed injuries. “You know, Mr. Met may very well be a man in costume who drank too much nerve tonic and suffered the same ill effects as Ken Griffey Jr. in the Simpsons ‘Homer at the Bat’ episode.”

There’s a saying in Arizona, “Just when you get really good at your job, your career hits a wall and a Mexican comes along and takes the job from you.”  The only difference in Krispie Young‘s case is that Gerardo Parra is Venezuelan.  Krispie was literally the only one hitting on one of my teams and now… I’m crying into my soup, because the soup was bland and my tears are salty.  I’m resourceful.  But that’s one sonavawrench thrown into my team’s plans!  As of press (post? blog? this shizz?) time, details were scant and info was un-nigh and far between.  The D-Backs are saying it’s a shoulder bruise, but he’s going for an MRI.  Hopefully, the MRI doesn’t reveal any structural damage or structurel demega on a typewriter with keys transposed.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:

SIKE!  Before we get into today’s roundup, we have a double SIKE!  First, “SIKE” is for a huge announcement we have coming later today.  The second “SIKE!” is the podcast is up for download.  The announcement is actually talked about a bit on the podcast.  So you get a sneak peek (a sneak listen?) if you so choose to… It’s something I’m proud of that isn’t mustache related.  I think you guys (4 girls) are gonna love it too.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup and podcast:

Download from iTunes

Download directly the Razzball Podcast.

Justin Upton – Has no home runs and no RBIs and is batting .212.  Don’t worry though, it’s only a jammed thumb he’s been nursing.  Nursing a thumb?  Thumb sucker!  The injury to his thumb was rumored to happen when Kirk Gibson missed a meeting and a substitute coach let Justin lead a rousing game of 7-up.  Little did he realize the strength of Paul Goldschmidt would injure his thumb.  Upton sat yesterday and he’s going for an MRI today, too.  Hey, if Diamondbacks send a pitcher for an MRI, they can get a pickup game in the waiting room!  I’m sure one day of rest will fix something that’s been bothering Upton for a week.  For those without the sarcasm gene — or sanscasm — I’m concerned about Upton.  Too soon to panic.  Sit tight.  Simon didn’t say sit tight.  Gotcha.

Santiago Casilla – Got the save yesterday and backing up what Bochy had said earlier about Casilla being first in line, which backs up what I said last week when I grabbed Casilla only to drop him the next day and watch Rudy pick him up.  FMFBBL.

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Yum-yum.

Brad Lidge – Got the save yesterday as Johnson keeps Eeny Meeny Miney and Moe’ing his closers.  So friggin’ stupid.  HanK-Rod has a zero ERA and strikes out everyone; Lidge puts runners on every game and it gets harrowing!  (Gets harrowing?  It sounds like I’m writing crappy Buffy fan-fiction.)

Colby Lewis – Mr. Popular on Razzball’s 2012 expert leagues overcame a Sparky Anklebiter 2-run HR in the 1st inning to deliver a very solid win in Boston (7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks).  The jeers in Boston started with “Hey Colby — you stink like cheese” and “Hey Colby — go back to your college in Maine with your frigin’ liberal ahtsy fahtsies” to “Hold me, Colby” by the fat drunk girl in the Nomah jersey.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-5 with a HR and 5 RBIs.  Now at 5 HRs and 11 RBIs with a .413 AVG.  Someone’s got his eye on the MVNK award (Most Valuable Non-Kemp).

Mike Napoli – 3 for 5, 4 RBIs, 3 runs, 2 homers and a 1B with catcher eligibility.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3 as he was moved to 6th in the order.  This is what Ozzie was thinking about for the last 5 games during his exile.  So that means Stanton’s gonna have to hit, like, 40 homers in a game to convince Ozzie he was wrong.  You gotta better chance of Ozzie being named Little Havana’s Man of the Year.  Andy Garcia’s got that shizz on lock for a decade anyway.

Heath Bell – Throws a scoreless 9th for his first save.  Now down to a 9.00 ERA.  It says something when that’s actually pretty good considering all the drafted closers this year.

Hanley Ramirez – Game winning 3-run HR at Crayola Canyon.  No es mal contente!

Starlin Castro – 2-for-4 with his 7th steal.  You know who loves Castro (the non-killing people one)?  This guy with two thumbs, a mustache, two eyes, a terrible Jersey accent and a cougar girlfriend.  That’s who!  (But doesn’t own him anywhere.  Sad trombone.)

Ryan Dempster – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Whenever I see his name I can’t help singing, “Demps and a bump, Demps and a bump, we like the starters that go Demps and a bump!”  Maybe it’s just me.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Could miss a few days with a death in his family.  It wasn’t Miggy or Melky.  Anyone hear from Everth Cabrera recently?

Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Mr. April throws another beaut.  His ERA is sub-1.00.  Maybe he can give some pointers to Lincecum.

Austin Jackson – Just when you want to believe he’s turned a corner, he goes 0-for-4 with 3 Ks…..against the Royals….with Bruce Chen pitching (for the first 2 Ks).

Adam Lind – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs with his 1st homer.  I’m not going to mention how you wanted to drop him so bad because he had 9 bad games in a 162 game season, but I’m warning you now.  If he goes on a tear, I’m gonna take off the gloves and not only mention it by saying I’m not mentioning it, but I’m going to actually mention it.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Maybe he doesn’t want to spite me by having his first bad season after it took two years for me to like him.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  #outofthe7hole

Javy Guerra – Blew yesterday’s save.  Over/under that Jansen is the closer by July moves to June.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-4 with his 4th steal.  Did someone buy him for Christmas a ticket to the Davey Lopes SAGNOF seminar?

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Royals.  Obviously a solid start, but I haven’t changed my opinion on him from last time.  Outside of deep leagues, it’s tough to own him.

Yovani Gallardo – Nice home start against Dodgers (7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks).  Even better — just one BB after 7 BBs in his first two starts.  Then K-Rod comes in and lets Ethier go-yardo to blow the lead.  At least he got the quality start, right QSers!

Mat Gamel – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a slam & legs.  1st homer of the year, but his 3rd steal.  Guess if you’re trying to replace Prince, it’s best to start at steals and work your way up from there.

Brett Gardner – 2-for-2, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  Here’s an idea for those that lost Ellsbury.  After Gardner is sitting out a game and his owners are frustrated, try to trade a small piece for him.  I think he gets 50 steals.

Mark Teixeira – Out a few days with influenza.  A-Rod said, “Don’t look at me.  I only have herpes.  No flu.”

Johan Santana – 1 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners.  Left after having throwing 55 pitches.  He should have to donate this game’s salary to the victims of Bernie Madoff.

Wei-Yin Chen – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First game: 5 2/3 IP; 2nd game: 5 1/3 IP, and by the 6th inning the Orioles are hungry again for another pitcher.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  You’d take that start from Wandy every day and twice on Muesday.

Johnny Damon – Should be ready in a week.  Those with a “Good Hair” category in their league should be pumped.

Gordon Beckham – 0-for-3.  Now hitting .103.  It’s getting so bad that they pinch hit Fukudome for him.  Or maybe Fukudome thought he heard his name when Ventura realized that Beckham was coming up for a critical 9th inning AB.

Jesus Montero – 1-for-4 as the Mariners gave him the start at catcher (3rd of year!) and DH’d John Jaso.  That’s how much they didn’t want to start Miguel Olivo.

Jamie Moyer – 7 IP with no ER at Coors.  Granted, only 1 K and against the Padres but still.  Hope they have tapioca pudding at the post-game buffet.

Jon Lester – 2 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners.  Fickin’ ay.  Give ‘em some chicken and beer if it’ll stop him from throwing a crappy start like this again.

Cincinnati Reds – Their 4th through 8th hitters last night (Rolen, Bruce, Ludwick, Stubbs, and Hanigan) are all hitting .200 or less.  At least they’re not clogging up the bases right, Dusty?

Chase Utley – Phils’ GM said Utley’s knee “seems to be improving.”  Last week the GM said Utley’s knee “seems to be improving.”  So Utley isn’t the only thing that’s broken.

First off, let me just state this post could be jumping the gun.  Hell, I might be winning the 10K marathon because I started the week before everyone else did (which would explain why I had time for so much beer as I went).  I know that, I own that.  Now that we’ve clarified I’m trying to show the skill of clairvoyance, let’s review. 

Chipper Jones has already announced he’ll retire after the end of the 2012 season and he just went on the DL to start the year due to…well whatever is ailing Chipper.  Seriously, the dude hurt himself putting on a sock at one point in his career.  A SOCK for all those who can only read capital letters.  Though they could’ve put Martin Prado at 3rd to temporarily hold the spot, the Braves trade for a seldom used free swinger from Cincinatti named Juan Francisco.  So the guy who should get the majority of starts at 3rd if and when Glass Chipper gets injured – which happens every other day – is currently less than 1% owned in yahoo, ESPN, and Fleaflicker leagues?  While it’s true Jones will eventually come back and play 3rd again, in deeper leagues you have to ask yourself some important questions: ‘How long will Chipper play at age 40′, ‘will he play well if he comes back’, ‘if Juan plays well, does it delay Chipper’s return and does he come back at all at that point’ and ‘where are the question marks, I thought these were questions!!!’?  It’s true, the trade for Francisco was due to the ’In case of  Glass Chipper break, emergency’ sign above Jone’s locker but it’s clear the Braves don’t want Prado at 3rd in the future full time with this trade.  Since 2004, Jones has averaged 122.75 games a season with his highest total coming in 2009 at 143.  Chipper has always been a gamer but he’s never been confused with the Iron Man (though he has been confusing blue collar fans everywhere with his Larry the Cable Guy impersonation).  The Braves will need a replacement after this season and what better way to do it then to work with the possible future one this year?

Note Juan is not without his faults.  He has an atrocious walk rate, a high strike out rate and – though the sample is small – has not hit lefties well in his MLB career (in 26 ABs, he’s hit .192).  The Braves did not start him during opening day as the Mets were running a lefty – Johan Santana - out on the mound.  Now after all that, let’s look at the positives.  He should go against righties and has hit – again, small sample size – .301 for his career vs them.  He’ll also hit for power when he hits the ball, having a career .450 slugging percentage.  No, we’re not talking about a guy you are dropping Ian Stewart or Chris Davis for him, though by skill set Davis is a good comparison point.  He is a guy you need to watch for most leagues but is a pickup for deep leagues that need 3B depth or NL Only leagues.  He’s a bat that could take off if given an opportunity.

No surprise that Johan Santana pitched well yesterday.  Everyone pitched well yesterday (except relievers).  Now I know what it was like to play fantasy baseball during the dead ball era.  “Hey, Scoots, I got me a base hit from my second bagger!  I’m so excited, but maybe that excitement is from this Coca-Cola that’s made from cocaine!  I love me some fizzle!  I’m gonna boil this Coca-Cola, then smoke the leftover brown soot.  You want in, Scoots?  Huh?!”  Can’t everyone do the juice and then use FedEx?  I miss the shrunken ball era!  Did anyone even hit a ball out of the infield yesterday?  Someone lower the mound six inches and use aluminum bats.  Please!  I need Justin Masterson looking like Bob Gibson like I need another hole in my head (I already have four; one of my ears closed up after listening to the Cleveland Indian announcers).  Can’t say I wasn’t unpleasantly surprised to see Johan pitching.  It would’ve been straight pleasantly, but I don’t own him anywhere.  He’s not the pitcher he once was.  He’s not going back to that, but he looked like he could be a fairly competent number three fantasy starter if — and this “if” is the size of Gilbert Grape’s mom — he can stay healthy.  Though, after yesterday, every healthy pitcher may be a competent number three.  Now go smoke some Coca-Cola soot!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Frank Francisco – A perfect inning save.  It’s safe to drop Rauch and/or Parnell.  If you want, pretend you’re going catch Rauch in a trust exercise, then let him drop.  It’s more fun that way.

Jason Bay – 0-for-3.  I’m putting the over/under at 24 months for how long until he’s out of baseball.

Andres Torres – Left the 7th inning with a calf strain.  He’s headed to the DL.  Boo.  Or, I guess with an injured calf, it’s moo.  Scott Hairston should now see starts against lefties.  Jerry Hairston Sr., you named the wrong one after you!  (And, really, how do you not name one of your sons, Harry?)

Kirk Nieuwenhuis – He sounds like a piece of furniture at Ikea, but don’t sleep on this guy!  See what I did there?  Yeah, I’m not sure either.  Nieuwenhuis has double digit speed and power and should see the righties in the outfield platoon with Hairston.  In NL-Only leagues, I’d definitely grab him because if he hits, he may push Bay to the bench.

Ian Desmond – 3-for-5 with a steal.  I know he’s not going to hit .600 this year (though he will maintain his 162 steal pace), but can everyone stop putting a mirror up to his nose to see if he’s dead?

Brad Lidge – 1 IP, 0 ER as he got the save yesterday (though it wasn’t pretty.  Though II, The Return of Though:  Lidge hasn’t had a pretty save in three years).  Davey Johnson said he’s going to alternate back and forth between Lidge and Rodriguez for saves.  In other words, he’s doing the highly scientific method of Eeny Meeny Miney Moe.

Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Worked through seven innings with only 82 pitches.  He dispatched of the Cubs Thirty Days’ War-quick.  Woot, woot, House of Strasburg, raise your pith helmets!

Tommy Hanson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Saw glimpses of Hommy Tanson yesterday, but also saw glimpses of why I avoided him this year.  He seemed to labor a bit through five innings only throwing in the upper-80′s, then luckily was bailed out by Kris Medlen, the newest flat-billed pitchypus.

Jason Heyward – 0-for-4, as he batted 7th against a lefty.  I imagine he’ll move up to 6th vs. righties, but he needs to hit his way out of the bottom of the order, like, quickfast.

Ryan Dempster – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I don’t think I drafted him anywhere (Grey have too many teams), but I did like him in the preseason (member that phase of our life?  It was seventy-two hours ago, which sounds like a bad action-thriller).

Bryan LaHair – Missed the opener because his back pain was too much to LaBear.

Alfredo Aceves – One game, one inherited runner allowed to score for the Tigers’ walkoff win.  So far, so good!  I thought Bobby Valentine was hitting the sauce when he put Alfredo in as the closer, but he wasn’t creamed yesterday (that was like a triple pun point), so I doubt anything’s changed with the bullpen situation.  If anything, Melancon just made himself look worse.  “Do I have to stand in the corner?  Big Papi farted over there.”  That’s Melancon after being scolded.

Ryan Sweeney – 2-for-4 with a triple.  He’s in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  His sister, Julia, is not.

Jay Bruce – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs, 1 run.  One B, one R, one C, one E and eleven U’s, what do you get?

Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, 1 run.  Bu-da-ba-bah-dah!  Bu-da-ba-bah-dah!  That’s Cozart’s Out Of The Minors Concerto played from the two hole.

Chris Heisey – Launched a double in his only at-bat.  Might be the best 4th outfielder in baseball.  Wait, that would mean Ludwick is better than him.  Yeah, Heisey’s the best 3rd outfielder that is currently a 4th outfielder.  Hopefully, Dusty and his toothpick get on the same page and move Ludwick to the pine.  On a real baseball note, the Reds are gonna be tough this year.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He came up against a Miami club that left Crayola Canyon late on Wednesday and had to play again early on Thursday.  I’m not reading too much into Cueto’s start (actually, I guess I am).  I’m still not going in on Cueto.

Ryan Doumit – Slated to start in the outfield on Opening Day.  Guess no one told the Twins Doumit is German for “Without Mitt.”

Scott Baker – It takes a certain kind of mettle to get injured while rehabbing from an injury and Baker’s heavy with that mettle.

Jonathan Broxton – The Royals named Broxton the closer.  Too bad they didn’t also name a closer for the White Sox.  Can go ahead and drop Holland.

Jack Hannahan – Hit a 3-run HR, his 3rd opening day HR.  It’s too bad closing time at Hannahan’s is April 30th.  Enjoy the happy hour specials while you can.

Justin Masterson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, but no win.  Let’s see if you can guess the theme?  Morroccan!  No, Random Italicized Voice.  The theme is great start from the starter followed by hideous relief.

Chris Perez – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save.  Cleveland isn’t known for BBQ, but their closer sure looks like smoked meat.  He should let Masterson go Brutus Beefcake on his mullet for blowing his awesome start.  Perez owners – if you haven’t done it already – grab Signore Pestano.

Jose Bautista – 3-for-4 with his first home run (since I started believing him — I’ve been backwards dunked in Bautista’s waters!).

J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-7, 3 RBIs and a home run.  Sounds about the going rate for Arencibia — he’s a one spicy catcher!

Brett Lawrie – 0-for-6.  Drop him!

Roy Halladay – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Since Spring Training is still fresh in everyone’s brain, do you remember how ridiculous it was when people were saying Halladay’s lost velocity and getting pounded?  I mean, it’s not like he was going against the 1988 A’s yesterday, but c’mon.  Don’t aggravate Grey.  You disrupt his mustache’s sheen.

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 2 ER….and there goes the suspense for whether Valverde could go perfect in save opportunities for a 2nd year in a row.  The last guy I remember being perfect was Lidge in 2008 and he had – gulp – 11 blown saves the next year.  Anyway, in summary, Valverde sucked but owners can’t be mad because he got the conshellation prize, Verlander owners can’t be mad because he threw an awesome start, leagues with QS instead of Wins have already programmed out any Blown Save-related anger like a robot who can’t feel emotions.

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Of course, he pitched well.  Dan Cortese from Rock ‘n Jock Softball could’ve pitched well yesterday.

Clayton Kershaw – Only pitched three innings because of a stomach flu.  Or maybe Bobby Valentine is managing the Dodgers by satellite and thought Kershaw should be a middle reliever who starts games.

Kenley Jansen – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I’m not sure there’s anything more frustrating than a middle reliever you know isn’t going to get saves that you own for ratio and strikeout help that gives up runs.  It’s like you make an arrangement with a girl that it’s strictly a sexual relationship and then you meet her parents.  During sex.

This is almost the end of the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings.  With these top 80 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball, there’s a few names that I’m really gunning for on my teams… My deeper teams.  On last year’s top 80, there were a few guys that shot up the rankings (Hellickson, Anibal, Garza and Zimmermann), so I imagine a lot of you won’t need most of the names on this list, but there will be some.  Now humor me.  There’s tiers and projections mentioned for everyone.  Anyway, here’s the top 80 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball:

61. Brandon McCarthy – This tier started in the top 60 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This tier ends at Peavy.  I called this tier, “Holy crap, there were a lot of starters I didn’t like in the top 60 starters post.  Let’s see some names I like.  Please.”  The first two guys in this tier could’ve been called, “Young pitchers who don’t strike out many that you should start at home.”  McCarthy’s ERA at home was 2.65 and 1.11 WHIP.  As said two sentences ago, McCarthy doesn’t strike out a whole lot of guys.  Two Sentences Ago, “Why don’t you come up with your own points?”  2012 Projections:  8-11/3.50/1.17/140

62. Tim Stauffer – Last year Stauffer had a home ERA of 2.57 and a 1.13 WHIP.  I’ll give this to you nice and simple like Minnie Pearl would’ve wanted it.  Stauffer is a Hodgepadre.  Start him at home and sit him on the road.  He did have 94 1/3 IP innings at home last year, so you’re talking about a top tier reliever’s ratio stats if you hold firm when to start him.  2012 Projections:  8-10/3.80/1.24/135

63. Ted Lilly – I could’ve made a sub-tier within this tier calling these last three guys, “Pitchers that I refuse to learn from no matter how many times they burn me.”  I really believe last year we saw the beginning of the end of Lilly.  Fading Lilly, if you like pithy comments that sound like sushi restaurants.  There’s some arguments to be made that that (stutterer!) is incorrect.  He did come on in the 2nd half (2.94 ERA, 8+ K/9).  If you believe his 1st half (4.79 ERA) was just an aberration on the that-ain’t-the-real-thing tip, then I could see grabbing Lilly late.  For his price, it’s probably worth it.  2012 Projections:  11-8/3.85/1.18/160

64. Scott Baker – For those of you that can’t wait to read the end of this post just to comment that Lilly and Baker’s projections look better than Stauffer and McCarthy so why do I have them below?  Don’t.  Lilly is on the downswing of his career and Baker can’t stay healthy.  Take an upside flyer with Stauffer or McCarthy before these guys.  Those of you who didn’t read this blurb and commented about the order of the rankings, you’re not reading this either.  Too bad, I would’ve had you say hello to your mother for me.  Hey now!  2012 Projections:  11-7/3.65/1.19/160

65. Jake Peavy – If he can stay healthy, he could be valuable.  Unfortunately, my man can’t stay healthy.  Grey, you have no faith in medicine, The White Stripes.  If I were the type to say completely unsubstantiated claims with no factual evidence, I’d say Peavy can’t stay healthy because he used to do steroids.  I would never say that though.  I’m way above that!  Hopefully, there’s no my-momma-didn’t-name-me-that scandal with the reveal that he’s really Jack Peavy and actually 78 years old, but that would jive with all of his health problems.  For those worried about the integrity of our great game, I do think the name scandals will soon end with all players selling their naming rights to companies.  Now pitching for the New York Yankees… Saran Wrap!  2012 Projections:  10-8/3.75/1.21/130

66. Ryan Vogelsong – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Jackson.  I call this tier, “You may get a number three fantasy starter or you may get someone similar to Nadir Bupkus.”  Last year didn’t really make sense.  Not in general, unless you’re trying to figure why you like baseball yet weren’t that crazy about Moneyball.  I think you had to not like baseball to love Moneyball.  But I was referring to last year not making sense for Vogelsong.  He’s like 40 years old (34) and he just put up his best season, even though his peripherals (pitch speed, where the pitches were, etc.) didn’t get better from the last time he was in the States.  Maybe he can repeat it.  More likely, you’re going to get a good spot starter when he faces the Padres, Dodgers and some other weaker offenses.  2012 Projections:  10-9/3.75/1.26/140

67. Jonathon Niese – Last year, his ERA was 4.40 and now the Mets are moving in the fences and constructing a giant Madoff head to blow hot air out to right field.  So why is Niese in a positive tier?  Thanks, clunky expository question!  He had a K-rate of 7.89 last year and showed in the minors that is about right and could be even a little higher.  Also, he had a slightly off BABIP and poor LOB%, so he wasn’t really a near-four and half ERA pitcher, but probably three-quarters of a run better.  All these good vibes about Niese make me want to do my Grind workout.  2012 Projections:  9-10/3.75/1.32/160

68. Bud Norris – You can’t predict wins.  You shouldn’t even try.  It is totally pointless.  But since I had a “Totally Pointless” college degree this is right up my alley.  You are not going to get wins with Norris.  You will get some walks and nice Ks.  I kinda want Norris on every team.  Might even draft him on my AL-Only keeper team for when the Astros realign.  2012 Projections:  7-9/3.80/1.32/190

69. Mike Leake – His ground ball percentage was solid, walks were dropped by over one per game and his strikeouts increased (though not to a rate that is drool-inducing).  If Leake can avoid dribblers through the vas deferns, he should have some success.  2012 Projections:  13-8/3.75/1.22/135

70. Ryan Dempster – I’m tentatively liking Dempster this year.  His 4.80 ERA last year was H to the ideous, but he did have a 3.70 xFIP and a 8.50 K/9.  I’ve seen worse stats.  Some of the guys above him, for instance, they have worse stats.  I don’t know the intricacies of his contract and I don’t think you should draft someone in March with the hope they’re traded, but wouldn’t shock me to see Dempster on a pennant contender before 2012 is through.  Maybe he’ll go to the Padres, if the Yankees change their name to the Padres.  2012 Projections:  12-8/3.90/1.33/190

71. Edwin Jackson – Signed yesterday with the Nats, naturally.  Looks like all the Nats needed to become a contender was to get rid of Bowden.  Great addition for the Nats’ rotation.  For fantasy, it’s a’ight.  Earlier in his career, he was better in the AL than the NL, but now that he’s matured I think it was an immaturity thing.  Funny how that works.  Best case scenario is a 3.50 ERA and kinda icky WHIP.  Worst case scenario is a 4 and a half ERA and icky WHIP.  Speaking of which, I was thinking about what’s the best best case scenario of recent times and I have to think it’s The Jersey Shore.  I can’t help watch the opening and think about how when they made that title sequence they all were probably glad to just be employed by a t-shirt shop, MTV almost axed the show before it started and none of them really had much chance for a future unless you count success by the number of acquired STDs.  Now they’re all millionaires and it’s laughable that they would work at a t-shirt shop.  Of course, the worst worst case scenario would have to be leaving the show a’la Angelina and not reaping any of its benefits.  What a stunod.  2012 Projections:  11-10/3.80/1.35/160

72. Hiroki Kuroda – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Collmenter.  I call this tier, “Solid, but unspectacular.”  See, I will draft solid with a chance for spectacular.  I’ll even take a chance on very risky with a chance for spectacular.  But “Solid, but unspectacular” gets drafted around the time I want to take flyers, so I don’t bother with this tier.  When you’re this late in a draft, it makes no sense to draft a guy like Kuroda, Danks, Buehrle, etc.  Like any investment, they’re the last one in and first one out.  It’s a shame that Kuroda was picked up by the Yankees.  When he was on the Dodgers, he was a solid back end of your fantasy rotation starter that no one ever reached for.  For whatever reason, everyone looked the other way even though his career ERA is under 3.50, WHIP’s under 1.20, walks are low and his K/9 last year was over 7.  Oh, well.  I wouldn’t draft him with your fantasy team in 2012.  AL East and The Stadium They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built is two negatives that don’t equal a positive.  2012 Projections:  12-9/3.90/1.24/150

73. John Danks – I’ll admit I’m probably too down on Danks.  He’s the very definition of solid, but unspectacular.  A big issue with solid but unspectacular that I didn’t mention above.  If for some reason you get less than solid, you get Danks’s 2011:  4.33 ERA, 135 Ks and 1.34 WHIP.  That’s not even solid.  At 27 years old, he should revert back to solid, but unspectacular.  2012 Projections:  9-10/3.75/1.28/150

74. Mark Buehrle – Gets wins, mid-3 ERA, lots of innings… What’s not to like?  Oh, yeah, he strikes out about as much as Mystery in a college bar on “Ladies drink for free” night.  2012 Projections:  14-10/3.70/1.28/100

75. Ivan Nova – With a 3.70 ERA, he won 16 games last year in 28 games started.  Basically, Blyleven would’ve been a first ballot Hall of Famer on the Yankees.  If you’re chasing wins, I could see going with Nova, but chasing wins is a losing proposition. (<–Turn of a phrase point!)  2012 Projections:  14-8/4.00/1.33/110

76. Gavin Floyd – I’ve tied Floyd to Danks in my rankings for as long as I can remember, which sounds like a nerdy version of the Goodfellas voiceover.  Floyd is a tad under Danks because of his age.  There’s a better chance of Danks exceeding his projections than Floyd, but they’re both solid, but… Well, you know.  2012 Projections:  9-11/4.00/1.26/155

77. R.A. Dickey – I don’t like Dickey, not that there’s anything right with that.  He’s totally blown away my projections the last two years, but I can’t trust a knuckleballer.  I don’t like when I’m relying on a pitcher that has no idea where the ball is going.  I’m sure he’s used to the hate.  Can’t be easy going through puberty with a name like Dickey and being a knuckleballer.  2012 Projections:  10-9/3.75/1.27/130

78. Josh Collmenter – You thought I didn’t like Dickey?  Try my dislike of Collmenter on for size.  Too snug?  That’s cause you have both of your arms in the same sleeve.  Collmenter had a 5+ K-rate and a 4.18 xFIP.  No Ks there is a than, but no thans.  2012 Projections:  8-10/4.25/1.24/110

79. Francisco Liriano – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until here.  I call this tier, “Screw you, Liriano.”  He got very lucky last year.  No, not with his FIP or xFIP or BABIP or men left on base or with runs scored for.  He got lucky I didn’t kill him.  2012 Projections:  11-11/4.30/1.35/155

80. Brett Cecil – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Volquez.  I call this tier, “You’ll probably drop most of these guys by mid-April and may not even have the nads to start them once on your team, but you may as well take a flyer.”  (The projections in this tier are optimistic.)  I saw one ‘pert didn’t rank Cecil in his top 100 starters.  I thought that was odd.  He’s only 26 years old.  Then I looked at mock draft results and he wasn’t anywhere.  I saw Joel Pineiro.  I saw Jason Hammel.  I even saw Javier Vazquez.  He retired.  We’re all that done with a 26-year-old pitcher who was being drafted last year in the top 200?  I don’t want to point any fingers, but you — yeah, you.  Don’t look behind you. — were excited about drafting Cecil last year.  Nothing in his stats say bounce back, but between him or Pineiro or a guy that retired, I’m going with Cecil.  2012 Projections:  12-9/4.00/1.30/145

After the top 80 starters, there’s a lot of names, but here’s some that stand out:

Homer Bailey - With a career ERA of 4.89, I’ve warded off Homer to use two of the better father names in the history of television.  Now, I find myself seeing a scenario where I could draft him very late.  His walk rate last year was more than one walk off his previous year.  His K-rate fell a bit, but it’s still over 7.  His xFIP was 3.77 and his team should win some games.  Bailey is long overdue for a breakout.  I’m saying sleeper and grab him late.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it until he defecates all over my ERA.  2012 Projections:  12-9/3.70/1.28/130

Chris Sale – If I had to, and I probably do, write a sleeper post about Sale or Bard, it’s a no-brainer.  It’s Sale all the way.  Sale’s only real question mark is how many innings will the Pale Hose throw him.  (BTW, if I was writing newspaper headlines in 1919, I would’ve wrote “Paint the White Hose Black.” If there’s any time travelers reading this, take it, it’s yours.)  I think Sale sees about 125 innings.  2012 Projections:  8-8/3.50/1.24/130

Daniel Bard – When the Sawx first announced Bard would start, here’s what I said, “The Sawx are toying with the idea that Daniel Bard should be in the rotation rather than as the closer.  To incorrectly quote Gordon Gekko, “That’s a toy with fleas.”  As a starter in the minor leagues, his ERA was 7.08 and walked 78 hitters in 75 innings.  Granted, this was early on in his minor league career, but I don’t see the Sawx taking a pitcher that is actually succeeding as a reliever and stretching him out to fail.  Then again, their rotation isn’t exactly five deep.  Hopefully Daniel doesn’t stay *pinkie to mouth* Bard from the bullpen.  Or should I say bullpun.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I still think the Red Sox make a last minute move to keep Bard in the bullpen and acquire another starter.  2012 Projections:  9-7/3.70/1.22/160

Brad Peacock – I already went over my Brad Peacock fantasy.  It’s January Grey’s favorite post.   2012 Projections:  9-8/3.60/1.30/170

Edinson Volquez – If he gets 200 innings, he will strikeout 200 hitters.  Look at the rest of this post and try to find another guy K’ing 200.  So why isn’t he ranked higher?  Well, there’s this little problem with him walking people like it’s his job.  It’s not his job.  If that’s getting lost in the translation, someone should tell him that is not his job.  Yo camino no trabajar!  2012 Projections:  8-12/3.75/1.33/200

Ricky Nolasco – This is the last tier.  This tier is called, “I didn’t forget these guys.  I’m just not drafting them.”  Nolasco hasn’t had an ERA under 4.50 in 3 years, but if you’re playing in a league that counts K/BB rates or guys that underperform, then by all means go with Nolasco.  2012 Projections:  12-9/4.25/1.29/150

Wade Davis – He had strikeout numbers in the minors, and I think those return from wherever they went, but I’m not drafting him on the assumption they will.  Could be a nice during-season-pickup if he gets his shizz together.  2012 Projections:  10-10/4.15/1.35/115

Carlos Zambrano – Ozzie will either bond with Zambrano and have him produce his best year since the mid-naughts or their personalities together will become so combustible that Little Havana will break from the union and form the 51st state with Ozzie becoming Supreme Leader of Little Havana and having Zambrano executed.  My money’s on the latter.  2012 Projections:  11-10/4.10/1.35/130

Johan Santana – The Mets are hoping to get 25 starts out of Johan.  The Mets are saying he’s a question mark for Opening Day.  The Mets pronounce players ready to return usually six months before they’re back on the field and they’re saying bad things already about Johan.  Instead of drafting Johan, if you’re into torturing yourself, try meeting up with random people from Craigslist’s Missed Connections.  Here’s one, “You didn’t tan, your freckles merged.  Now I want our bodies to.  I saw you at the Jiffy Lube on Tuesday.  I can’t wait another 3 months or 3,000 miles.”  2012 Projections:  7-5/3.75/1.22/80 (in 120 innings)