Desmond Jennings was called up. “No, he wasn’t.” “Yes, he was.” “No.” “Yes!” “Yes!” “No– Wait, I was the one saying yes.” Or so went us, me, you, we for the last two months. Why do we care so much? Because we have a void in our own lives? Oh, you meant it more why do we care about Jennings so much, gotcha. He’s the number one prospect in baseball for fantasy, according to Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario. There’s guys that can hit with more power. There’s pitchers that have great stuff, but speed translates easiest to the majors and Jennings gets a lot of his value from his legs. Also, he’s had a great OBP through the minors, so getting on base shouldn’t be an issue. Then you throw in his teen homer power and you’re looking at a guy that could be B.J. Upton without the phantasmagorically bad average. Call the engraver, we need a plaque for Cooperstown! As with all rookies — or rooks if you have a short attention span — there’s the chance he falls flat on his face or steps on a rake and isn’t good until next year. Wasn’t like he set the world on fire last September when he was used off the bench (.190 average, 0 homers in 21 ABs with 2 steals). For his huge upside, you should take a flyer on him in every league. Yeah, even yours. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
B.J. Upton – As the Rays started the Jennings’ arbitration clock, they also started the Upton nice-knowing-you clock.
Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. The Tampa Bay Peach was much better in the minor leagues this year than he’s been in the majors, and he hasn’t been too bad in the majors. Decent flyer in deeper leagues, but he’s not guaranteed anything. Like all of us. Geez, that’s dark.
Zack Cozart – Just when I drop my other shortstops, deciding to roll with Cozart, he goes and gets hurt. I know, here’s the world’s smallest violin. Here’s you putting the world’s smallest violin on eBay and when someone meets the opening bid of one cent, they’ll play it for me.
Mike Carp – Hit two homers this weekend while maintaining his tilde .250. BTW, someone who raises you but isn’t your mother? Matilde. You’re welcome, English language. I’m making you better.
Adrian Beltre – To the DL with hammy issues. Know who else had hammy issues? Kermit the Frog.
Chris Davis – Called up to replace Beltre. Someone change Bill James’s sheets!
Josh Collmenter – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Through 92 innings, has a 0.93 WHIP. That’s good. More impressively, he’s only walked one batter in his last 21 innings.
Chase Headley – I refused to own him this year…Actually, besides Bartlett, I’ve abstained from Padre hitters. And Bartlett just for speed. So I wasn’t exactly following Headley’s season. Any the hoo! He has 3 homers on the year!!! (Extra exclamation marks provided by my 14-year-old niece.) And he has only two homers since April 2nd. Your deity of choice, that’s terrible.
Phil Hughes – He was in Friday’s Buy column then he went out and served you lunch in a Port-A-John. Totally 20/20 hindsight here, but would I start him every time out? Nope. Do I still think he should be owned in most leagues? Yup. Should he be owned in your league? Mupe. That’s colloquial for maybe.
J.P. Arencibia – Hit three homers this weekend to bring his season total to 15. The funny thing — and by ‘funny’ I mean not funny at all — people ask me if I like so-and-so catcher better than so-and-so catcher, and in my head I’m like, “It’s a catcher. Just put him in your slot and stop picking the scab.” Unless we’re talking about the difference in McCann and Chris Iannetta, there’s very little separating most catchers. Yet, this seems impossible to get through to people.
Eric Chavez – As the trading deadline approaches, Eric Chavez is the one player that no teams are interested in.
Gio Gonzalez – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER in The House They Built Next To The House Ruth Built. You’re basically drinking jungle juice straight from a bathtub if you started him here.
Hideki Matsui – 5-for-5. I almost included him in hitters that had a big 2nd half last year, but I didn’t think it was possible for a repeat. I figured he was too old, too tired and too effin’ blind from his huge porn collection. He’s now hitting over .400 in the last week with 2 homers. He also dedicated this big game to his anime-inspired wife.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs as he stays hot. He’s now hit in almost as many consecutive games as there are syllables in his name.
Dustin Pedroia – Sawx scored 12 runs and Dusty went 1-for-5 with a run. Ticker tease!
Tim Stauffer – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER in Citizens Flank. See Gonzalez, Gio or 2 inches above.
Mike Trout – Not to be shown up by Carp, Trout went deep for the first time in his career. Somewhere, Kevin Bass is smiling. Trout’s also hitting .179, so there’s that.
Marlon Byrd – 4-for-5 yesterday and 2-for-3 with a home run on Saturday. Member in the preseason when you drafted Byrd as your 5th outfielder? Yeah, he could still do that.
Carlos Lee – 4-for-8 over the last two days with a homer. First Byrd, now Carlos Lee — it’s like I found this roundup in a time capsule.
Adam Jones – Yesterday, a slam and legs to go with 2 homers over the weekend. Next year, he’s gonna be 26 years old. Giddy up.
Mike Stanton – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer this weekend. He’s younger than the youngest Culkin brother. Yup.
Emilio Bonifacio – Hitting streak at 23 games. Imagine he broke Joe Dimaggio’s hit streak? Baseball historians, sporting tweed jackets, would be jumping out of windows all over our fine nation.
Gaby Sanchez – Hit three homers over the weekend. He (she?) is having one of those borderline seasons. In NL-Only leagues, you’re more than happy. In mixed leagues, you’re kinda meh.
David Wright – 3-for-4 with his first home run since he returned on Friday. Don’t want to jinx him by saying he looks like he hasn’t missed a beat, and not totally sure if it’s a jinx just by saying I don’t want to jinx him.
Bobby Parnell – 1 IP, 2 ER. When you don’t have the closing job, but you’re trying to get it, it’s not the best move to blow a game. Maybe he should switch to Bob or Robert to try and instill some confidence. Bobby’s a child; this is a man’s game!
Antonio Bastardo – Got the save yesterday. Manuel just got on the phone with the bullpen and said he didn’t care which bastard came in and Antonio warmed up. Madson had also saved the previous two games.
Chase Utley – Hit 2 homers on Saturday. I hope it’s the start of something magical that would make his pomade-fueled hair proud, but sadly I think his best days are behind him.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4 with a home run. In an odd turn of events, Rasmus started. And for the Cardinals. Geiger, let’s go!
Francisco Liriano – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER. If someone asks if they should still own this schmohawk, they should just put their password in the comments and I’ll drop him for you.
Justin Upton – 9 for his last 11 with 9 RBIs and 2 homers. Still enough season left for him to make his case for being a top five draft pick next year. Go ahead scoff, you scoffer. But if he gets to 30/20 with a .290 average, at the age of 24 you’re going to doubt him?
Brett Cecil – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. I’m warning you now, I’m gonna like him a lot going into next year. You know, I like high-K, sexy pitchers that are totally inconsistent. These guys are the insane, hot girls that you wanna date but you really shouldn’t. Your friend, “You should break up with her.” “We all have our quirks…” Your friend, “She just set your car on fire.” “But she has great breasts!”
Adam Dunn – Went 3-for-16 (.188) this week to raise his average to .160. My man’s on fire!
Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. I continue to watch every start of his with my hands in front of my eyes. Somehow, his ERA is 2.57.
Michael Pineda – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER as the Mariners losing streak hits 15 games. That’s an impressive skid mark.