Aw, sookie. Our first look at all the closers for the 2011 fantasy baseball season. That is a bird on your window and it’s singing Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah. I went over Kevin Gregg signing with the O’s when it happened and Putz to the Diamondbacks. I didn’t go over Frank2 signing with the Jays, but he’s the closer and that’s all I’m saying on that for now. I have bigger fish to fry in this intro, The Rays. (<–bad pun point!) I usually don’t have a problem deciding who I think will get saves on a team. I mean, I may be wrong, but I can decide. On the Rays, um, yeah, it’s a mess. Right now, I see people predicting Kyle Farnsworth, the Cuddle Boy extraordinaire. Some have Lovey’s son, J.P. Howell. Others have Jake McGee. So J.P. McFarnwell is closing for them? Yikes. Can’t they trade one of their 28 1st round draft picks for a closer? Here’s my best guess at how it breaks down. Farnsworth is thrust into the closer role does as he always does when he’s the closer, sucks. Then Howell gets the role that earned him 17 saves last year. I don’t think the Rays go to McGee because of inexperience. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Mariano Rivera (Rafael Soriano, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls, Mike Adams)
3. Joakim Soria (Jeremy Jeffress, Robinson Tejeda)
4. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt, Santiago Casilla)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
5. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Andrew Cashner)
6. Neftali Feliz (Darren O’Day, Darren Oliver, Alexi Ogando)
7. Jonathan Papelbon (Daniel Bard, Bobby Jenks)
8. Jonathan Broxton (Hong-Chih Kuo, Matt Guerrier, Kenley Jansen)
9. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)
10. Francisco Rodriguez (Manny Acosta)
11. Andrew Bailey (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
12. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
13. J.J. Putz (Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez)
14. John Axford (Takashi Saito, LaTroy Hawkins, Zach Braddock)
15. Chris Perez (Rafael Perez)
16. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
17. Drew Storen (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
18. Brad Lidge (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras, Danys Baez)
19. Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman, Nick Masset)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
20. Leo Nunez (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
21. Matt Thornton (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain)
22. Frank Francisco (Octavio Dotel, Jon Rauch, Jason Frasor)
23. Ryan Franklin (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan)
24. Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek)
25. Matt Capps (Joe Nathan, Pat Neshek)
26. Fernando Rodney (Hisanori Takahashi, Kevin Jepsen, Scott Downs)
27. Brandon Lyon (Wilton Lopez, Jeff Fulchino)
28. Kevin Gregg (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
29. Brandon League (David Aardsma)
30. Kyle Farnsworth (J.P.Howell, Jake McGee)
