Adam Conley threw 7 2/3 innings, of “exciting” no-hit baseball Friday night, striking out seven Brewers en route to his first win of the season. Manager Don Mattingly pulled Conley after 116 pitches and left it up to Miami’s bullpen to blow Conley’s no-hitter. Sigh, the Miami fan(s) need someone to cheer for now that their star player Dee “I Didn’t Know We Couldn’t Do That” Gordon betrayed them. And I won’t even mention that other power-hitter outfielder (a complicated restraining order actually prevents me from mentioning his full name, let’s just call him G. Stanton–or better, Giancarlo S.) Adam ain’t worried about it. YOLO. Speaking of YOLOing, how about that new Drake album? Uh, singasongmuch? Please stop. I get the whole calypso/R&B/I’mdoingthistobangRihanna vibe the album has and I’m not feeling it. Meanwhile, Mr. Drake, you are depriving fans of some of the best Canadian rap the world has to offer. Oh, hey tangent, we were talking about Adam Conley! The lefty now possesses a 3.67 ERA and 1.22 WHIP through four starts with a 28/12 K/BB rate (9.33 K/9). Mmm, strikeouts. Adam’s 72.2% swinging strike percentage (including 14 in last night’s game) suggest that the strikeouts are for real. That could help your fantasy team. Like Drizzy’s new album, he’s been a bit inconsistent, but Conley gets Arizona next week, he’s available in over 80% of fantasy leagues and he could be worth a pick up in deeper mixed and NL-Only leagues. Why not take a flier–you only YOLO once!
Here’s what else I saw Friday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, RBI. Oh word! Didn’t Grey just tell you to BUY him! Scroll up–no, wait or is it down? Darn bootlegged tablets!
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, HR (3). Heyo Freddie! You are finally coming out of your slump, batting .444 with 2 homers in the past week. I blame you for my RCL team being in last place. Also, Justin Upton. Actually, I have so many people to blame. Where do I start? Well, firstly, my parents. Oh, and the government–how much time do you have, doc?
Odubel Herrera – 2-for-4. Another BUY! Odie’s increased his hitting streak to 10 games, leading off for the Phillies. He’s got 3 steals and 10 runs scored in that stretch. Most impressively, he drew his 23rd walk in his 23rd game after only walking 28 times in over 500 ABs last year. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? For your sake, I hope not, because most of my thoughts are pretty messed up and this is a family blog. But Herrera has obviously taken a huge step forward and needs to be owned everywhere.
Ryan Howard – 3-for-5, HR (5). Walk off home run raising his average to .214 on the year. Meanwhile, the Fightin’ Phils are 13-10 on the season, you guys! That’s more wins than the Blue Jays, Yankees, Royals, Astros, Angels…you get it. They are playing well.
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-4, Grand Slam HR (7), 6 RBI. Yo-yo is batting .600 with 2 homers and 9 RBI in the past week, which is really something considering he’s only played two games!
Michael Conforto – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBI. The hipster’s favorite baseball player. Sitting in the abandoned warehouse turned secret speakeasy/shuffleboard court/craft cider house (you’ve probably never heard of it), I sip my cold brew coffee and stroke my mustache, and ponder what my life would be like without Conforto on my fantasy team. I put down my Gabriel García Márquez book, let my hair free out of its man-bun, and realize I don’t want a fantasy team without Michael Conforto on it.
Steven Matz – 6.0 IP, 7 hits, 0 ER, 3 BB, 4 K, W. For real, the [insert your home team here] pitching staff would be a real contender if we could just get one of the Mets starters. Any of them! I’ll even take Bartolo at this point.
Matt Szczur – 1-for-1, Grand Slam HR (2). The pinch hit grand salami! Matt is a Szczur Thing!
Nolan Reimold – 2-for-3, HR (3), 3 RBI. He’s 4-for-7 with a homer, 3 runs and 3 RBI in the past two games, but he doesn’t play all the time so I will save my breath for another day when he does.
Juan Nicasio – 7.0 IP, 3 hits, 0 ER, BB, 8 K, W. Oh, hello there. Not pitching in Colorado can sure do wondrous things for a starting pitcher’s career. That 29/12 K/BB ratio makes me especially happy happy. And that 26.4 K%! I don’t care if he faced the Reds! I knew putting in an extra auditing session a week at the Scientology center would pay off! Thank you, Xenu! Thetans be damned, Nicasio belongs on your team.
Josh Harrison – 1-for-3, HR (1). He’s hit safely in his past eight games and offers more variety for your fantasy team than a Primanti Bros. sandwich. That means doode does it all!
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4, run. Awesome X! Since the scare last week after getting HBP (I waited quietly by his bedside while he healed, although he didn’t know I was there because I was hiding in his closet), X is 8-for-24 with 3 steals and 6 runs. You are going to get the biggest imaginary hug when you get back from the ballpark!
David Ortiz – 2-for-4, HR (4), 2 RBI. Keep telling him he’s old, it only makes him stronger. That and his Good Housekeeping recipe for Mango Salsa. Whoa, spicy!
Aaron Sanchez – 7.0 IP, 6 hits, 0 ER, 2 BB, 6 K, W. How Sanchez is still available in some leagues is baffling to me. If the 2.59 ERA, 1.15 WHIP doesn’t do it for you, then the 29/8 K/BB rate certainly should raise an eyebrow. Where is The Rock when you need him? What? Making another movie with Kevin Hart? Ehh, yeah, okay, I’d probably see that.
Drew Smyly – 6.0 IP, 2 hits, 2 ER, BB, 8 K. The Emoticon went all smiley face emoji with weird squiggle coming out of his mouth last night. Now he’s starting to get into the Bitmoji game, and you can really see the 41/6 K/BB ratio expressed in moji form. He’s such a good texter!
Michael Saunders – 2-for-5, 2 HR (4). I don’t care who is leading off for the Blue Jays, whoever it is, you should own this person. Oh hey look! It’s Michael Saunders! And he has three homers in the past four games. He’s available in over 80% of leagues, and he might not play every day but he’s still worth owning regardless. As they say in Canada, budday! He’s all gravy!
Logan Forsythe – 2-for-4, SB (3). Pretty sure I told you to grab Forsythe last week, and good on you, most of you listened. He’s still leading off for the Rays and now he’s stealing bases which makes him even more valuable than he was last Saturday. Imagine how valuable he’ll be next week?
Justin Bour – 3-for-4, 2 HR (3), 5 RBI. The Boring World of Justin Bour returns this week. Wait! Don’t fall asleep, it just started!
Hector Santiago – 5.2 IP, 8 hits, 4 ER, BB, K. Hector did not have his best stuff Friday night, which, lucky for you, buys you a little more time to get him on your fantasy team for his next start in Milwaukee! There’s your Silver Lining, Bradley Cooper!
Stephen Strasburg – 7.0 IP 8 hits, 2 ER, BB, 9 K. The Straborg hacked into the Cardinals mainframe Friday night and threw up a bunch of 0s and 1s. Beep boop. So I guess I jumped the gun and owned Strasburg a few years too early. Like, every year except this one.
Matt Holliday – 3-for-4, 2 runs. Holliday has been three times flame emoji lately, batting .412 in the past week. ESPN says he’s just over 50% owned which seems crazy, because you’d have to be crazy not to want to own Matt Holliday right now. Who are you calling crazy!? I’ll kill you and your whole family! Then we’ll see who’s crazy!
Nick Castellanos – 3-for-4, HR (3), 3 RBI. He like-a the sauce! Helios! Get some sauce for da man! Oh, hey 20 year-old SNL reference! And also hey, wasn’t this Grey’s sleeper pick for 2016? Shh, don’t say it too loudly, we wouldn’t want to wake up the sleeper.
Justin Upton – 3-for-5, run. The Tigers offense roared last night! Victor Martinez was 4-for-5, with his fifth homer and Miguel Cabrera hit his fourth. Justin Upside got things going a little bit as well, and thank Xenu because my reputation is at stake here. These guys are starting to make me look bad. Well, worse. The man bun and receding hairline is already making me look bad.
Trevor Story – 2-for-4, HR (10), 2 RBI. ALL HE DOES IS HIT HOME RUNS! He held the league lead in home runs for about 3 minutes before Nolan Arenado went deep back-to-back. Doode, Nolan, not chill. I thought you was boyz. They are cool now though, Nolan apologized post game by taking Trevor out for hot pot. They are cultured af. Regardless, do you still think you should sell Trevor Story high?
Chris Owings – 2-for-3. Grey told you to BUY and Chris keeps hitting! He also steals, folks! He hits, he steals, and there’s a DRAGON ON THE BLADE! Order in the next hour and we’ll throw in a second Chris Owings absolutely free! Don’t. Miss. Out. You Owings to yourself to pick him up.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-4, HR (1), 2 RBI. Gattis took a brief break from going through people’s garbage for leftover pizza crusts to hit his first jack of the year.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-4. I was about ready to send him a scathing meme: Don’t talk to me or my son ever again. See kids, I’m hip to the memes. I can do internet. Get hits, pupper!
Mike Fiers– 7.0 IP, 7 hits, 2 ER, 5 K. You know nothing about Michael Fiers if you don’t own [expletive deleted] Michael Fiers! Fiers should probably be owned in more leagues. And I should probably see a therapist about my crippling depression! Lolz! I won’t though. Because it makes for some really great memez. By the way, how do you guys feel about communism?
Sean Manaea – 5.0 IP, 4 hits, 4 ER, 4 BB, 3 K. Some rough starts to the careers of Berrios and Manaea and that would deter some, but not me from the BUY. The younger the better, that’s what my uncle always said. My uncle died a very lonely man, unfortunately. Regardless, the Legend of Manaea is strong and I am a sucker for some rookie nookie. The Astros offense is a tough assignment for anyone and Manaea gets the Mariners next week so go grab him before you die a very lonely man.
Seth Smith – 1-for-2, HR (3). He’s his safely in four of his last five games with homers in two of those games. If you need an outfielder with an alliterative name, Seth is your guy.
Felix Hernandez – 7.2 IP, 5 hits, 0 ER, 3 BB, 4 K, W. Grey told you to SELL. Even rotoworld is telling you to sell. Oh jeebus. Sounds like now’s your chance! Do it quick, while Jon Snuh is still dead and everyone’s focused on the Red Woman’s old lady bewbz.
Alex Wood – 7.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, BB, 9 K. Alex turned in his best start of the season so far striking out nine. The fast ball was working. The curveball was working. Rihanna was work work work work working. Hey Alex. More games like this, please!
Matt Kemp – 2-for-4, HR (7), 3 RBI. The Kemper had a heck of a homecoming returning to LA with a jack and 3 RBI to the dismay of many a Los Angeles fan. Fortunately, most of them didn’t see it because they were stuck in traffic! Lol. Get it? Because California! Sigh. I will see myself out.
Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!
