Matt Wieters is headed to see Dr. Freeze about his elbow and likely to the DL. Stop throwing curveballs to 2nd base! Dr. Freeze has never seen an elbow he can’t sideline for six months. Can’t we have anything nice this year? The only player that is healthy in the entire league is Nick Punto. Now starting at 1st base for the Orioles…Nick Punto! Now starting at catcher for the Reds…Nick Punto! Now starting in right field for the Angels…Nick Punto! It’s Nick Punto’s world and we’re just trying to play fantasy baseball! The only ones doing well this year are Dr. James Andrews and Nick Punto! “Wanna go to Friendly’s?” “Sure, your treat!” And then Dr. James Andrews and Nick Punto laughed evilly. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dylan Bundy – Will throw batting practice next Tuesday. Don’t they have some 60-year-old ex-ballplayer for that? Where’s Billy Ripken when you need him?
Henderson Alvarez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.62. Dating back to his no-hitter to end last season, he’s been the number one streamer that should be dropping a Cleveland Streamer. Data provided by no one. Alvarez is not wildly attractive for upside, but he is safe– *shakes* Sorry, I said safe and got the willies. Let’s just say he’s basically the Latin Gee, I will call him, Esta Bien. He gets the Padres next time out and the Stream-o-Nator— Do you even need to know what SON says for that start?
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-2, 1 run, 1 RBI and a steal, his third. You know what really ties together fifty homers? A ten-steal season. I will now stand the legal 500 feet distance from him and shout sweet nothings.
Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Bartolo said after the game, it was hard to pitch in Crayola Canyon with the unicorn vomit statue in center. He kept thinking to himself, is that unicorn really wasting all that food?
Alex Cobb – Says he should be ready to go by end of May. Finally, good news! Wait, it’s only the first week of May and all he had was an oblique strain. Okay, finally some mediocre news!
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks as he returned from the DL. I saw he had a 0.66 ERA and I thought I found an error like when you’d find a typo in a textbook and you’d get all excited. Okay, maybe only I got excited. Any hoo! It wasn’t a mistake, I forgot about Australia, which is also the title for my travel book.
Hanley Ramirez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .267. You in the 2nd round of your draft, “Hmm…Tulo or Hanley… Maybe I’ll flip a coin.” That’s what you get for carrying change.
Wilson Ramos – Might return today from his broken hamate bone. I wish Alex Cobb had Ramos’s hamate bone in his oblique. Doode got better crazy fast.
Jayson Werth – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .306. He’s old enough to be Jaydad, but from all the guys that grew up in the Phillies organization in the late naughts, he definitely looks the spriest, which looks a little like what you’d call a superhero priest.
Anthony Rendon – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting .304. Nats don’t look like they’re missing Zimmerman or Harper at all! Well, except for losing yesterday, but that’s IRL — boring!
Tyler Lyons – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Krazy Braves. It doesn’t completely coalesce with everything we know, but just about everyone is a good start vs. the Braves, who should be hoping all of their hitters join their pitchers and need elbow surgery because the pitchers who have filled in have been terrific. Wow, that might’ve been the world’s longest sentence ever. That’s gonna really bump up my readability score on the Flesch-Kincaid scale. Case example from yesterday: Gavin Floyd (7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks), who is the 6th man in the Braves rotation, which is better than the movie, The 6th Man, but only barely.
Billy Hamilton – The Reds say he won’t need the DL for his sprained knuckles. Unfortch, I think he’s going to return for one at-bat, get jammed on an inside fastball and realize that his knuckles still hurt like an em-effer and he’s going to hit the DL then, but we’ll see. Or not. Your choice.
Aroldis Chapman – Expected back this weekend. How about four more saves for Broxton as he’s going out the door of my fantasy team? C’mon! Whaddya say?
Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Red Sox. Could’ve been worse. Don’t you love when you’re saying could’ve been worse for your ace? Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink, because it’s my tears.
Zack Cozart – 2-for-5, hitting over .350 in the last week. I wonder what Salieri is hitting in the last week.
Grady Sizemore – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs, hitting .242. Okay, but who takes selfies as good as this guy? He’s the selfie master!
Drew Pomeranz – Slated to start today in the 2nd game of the doubleheader. Fred Willard was onto something, I’d love to see this Pomeranz with a little hat and a corn cob pipe. They ever do things like that? Since Milone looks like baloney, Pomenranz could stick in the rotation, but he’s only interesting for AL-Only leagues. He still hasn’t proven to be anything less than a 4-something ERA starter.
Jesse Chavez – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER. Yeah, of course, because I finally put him into my lineup!
James Jones – 2-for-5, 1 run as he played center and hit 2nd. Lloyd Christmas McClendon said Jones could see a lot of playing time. Then James Jones said you should switch to Sprint, but said it in a really deep voice that sounded like Darth Vader. So, if My Middle Name Is Earl does have playing time against everyone but lefties, he’d be a nice pick up for AL-Only leagues for SAGNOF, being that he stole 28 bases last year in Double-A. I wouldn’t expect a whole lot else for now.
Jim Johnson – 2/3 IP, 4 unearned runs. Two steps forward, one step back into a pit of quicksand. Yes, I’d own Luke Gregerson again. What an utter shituation.
Chris Colabello – 1-for-4 and a homer, his fourth. I held him for, I don’t know, maybe fifteen games longer than I should’ve but just dropped him. Thanks, Colabello! It says here his POS eligibility is first and outfield, but all I see with him is POS.
Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting near .500 in the last week. Who? Schmotato, Hot.
Josh Tomlin – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Twins. Trevor Bauer could’ve had, like, 12 Ks! And pitched from 2nd base! Damn you, Indians!
John Axford – After working a few days in a row, Axford wasn’t able to go yesterday so Cody Allen’s owners rubbed their hands together, then they slowly counted the petals on a daisy, ending on “He loves me,” and then the ball went to Bryan Shaw for the save. A’la Nelson Muntz, HA-HA.
Charlie Morton – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, his ERA is 3.45, which is about as close to a Pi rate as you have on the Pirates staff, but he’s still not advisable.
Tim Hudson – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA is at 1.99. He’s actually having a pretty remarkable start to the season. His strikeout rate is 6, which is bleh, but his walk rate is…wait for it…here it comes… Okay, I thought it was in my track pants…What’s that, Cougs? Hudson’s walk rate is in the fridge? Oh, oops, yeah, I need that…. His walk rate is 0.50! Greg Maddux called and said stop showing off!
Moises Sierra – 4-for-4, 1 run. Where the hell has Sierra been hiding? In a mountain range somewhere? Like in the…Uh, I can’t think of one right now.
Gordon Beckham – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer. I’d tell you where he was hitting in the order and what he’s hitting in the last week, but would anyone really pick him up? No, of course not.
Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. Fun fact! There’s more people who think O.J. was innocent than own Edwin Jackson in fantasy.
Carlos Gonzalez – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs; Troy Tulowitzki went 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI; Drew Stubbs went 3-for-5, 3 runs with the slam & legs; Charlie Blackmon went 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer and Nolan Arenado extended his hitting streak to 26 games. In related news, Corey Dickerson put his Cohibas in the humidor, broke it and now is being punished by being a defensive replacement.
Prince Fielder – 1-for-3 in Coors. Well, I guess it’s good that he’s healthy. This way when I hurt him it will mean so much more!
Jimmy Rollins – Missed his 2nd straight game due to a tweaked groin. Ryan Sandberg said, “He probably wore his panties too tight.”
Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 7.02 thru two starts. I was all-out on Hamels in the preseason, and while I don’t think he’s necessarily a 7-ERA pitcher, I also don’t want any part of him, and haven’t for the last four months. He had shoulder tendinitis in the preseason and I smell trouble, and that trouble smells like crizzap.
Cody Asche – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last 3 games. Guess who just picked up Asche? This guy with two thumbs that is struggling to type while pointing his thumbs at himself.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-5 and his third homer. I’m still concerned about him, and he was 0-for-12 entering the game.
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and like tenth in the row. I have it on good authority that Dwayne Murphy visited Rasmus late one night while Rasmus was sleeping and Murphy slipped a Walkman on his head and blasted him awake with hitting tips.
Drew Hutchison – 8 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. He’s like a cold sore on a hot chick. You’re hoping to get lucky with strikeouts and you leave with genital warts.
Aaron Loup – 2/3 IP and his 2nd save. Again, the Phillies have a lot of lefties, so Loup got the save. Speaking of which, when the H-E hockey sticks do the Jays face righties so Delabar can get a save?
Miguel Cabrera – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. It was either face the Astros pitching or have sex with Prince Fielder’s identical twin sister, but Miggy had to bust that slump some way.
Robbie Ray – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. He’s a temp fill-in for Anibal. Or Anibalternative. Replacibal? Let’s move on.
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting garbage in the last week, but he had a homer the other day, and he’s overdue. Could be a hot schmotato at any moment.
George Springer – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. You don’t want to be the dope that dropped Springer too soon. Repeat with emphasis on don’t: You DON’T want to be the dope who dropped Springer too soon. Do I need to repeat again with a capped dope? Then it’s 1-8-7 on an undercover clown.
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Au Shucks!
Aaron Hill – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, a day after going 4-for-4. Somebody’s getting hot.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-4, 1 run as he moved back to the two-hole with Segura (1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI) moved back to 7th. Can’t Braun practice swinging a mallet from the strongman carnival game somewhere in Scooter’s vicinity?
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-5 and four steals in the last two days. Downright Bonefacian!
Salvador Perez – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Oh, just you wait until you hear what OBPwulf did.
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4 and OBPwulf’s 2nd homer in as many games. Catcher questions begin in 3, 2, 1…
Chase Headley – Began a rehab assignment. He wouldn’t need rehab if he just abstained from injuries.
C.J. Wilson – 8 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks as he threw 125 pitches because The Sciosciapath was busy regaling Don Baylor about the time he dug a ball out of the dirt and threw to third to get the runner.
Ernesto Frieri – 1 IP, 1 ER and the loss. Well, that was fast. I’m sure The Sciosciapath will find some way to make excuses for Frieri, but Captain Joe Smith should still be owned, assuming he doesn’t have Scarlett Fever.
Hiroki Kuroda – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 4.43. Kuroda used to be a safe four to five fantasy starter, but he doesn’t feel safe right now, and that makes him a streamer, but, as the Stream-o-Nator will tell, his next start is juicy.
Brian Roberts – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and the game-winning homer. When he hit the homer, they said on the MLB network some nonsense about him now being a true Yankee. I thought he became a true Yankee when he turned 35. It’s like being the President.
Michael Pineda – Placed on the DL and is aiming to return in June. It’s gonna be downright shocking when he returns as a white man.
