Rather than list fifteen closers that all became available in the last week, I’m going to tell you a story. Ken you dig it? Ooh, Giles (Things Are Gonna Get Easier) was a song they played at my prom. This was going to be the best day of my life. My date, Susie, had just broken up with her boyfriend, Jake, and she looked radiant that night, Barretts lined her hair like a crime scene. Only not a bad crime scene like some gruesome murder, but instead like a yellow rose Tyler’d around another rose’s Thornburg like a noose. A rose murder, which is heartbreakingly beautiful. Also, in play on this great night was Prom King, I was going to Edwin it, right as I was Diaz’ing to the Macarena. Wait, maybe my dancing would help me win a Tony too, ya know, this wasn’t elementary school my dear, Watson. This felt like a scene out of an 80s movie with Charlie Sheen née Carlos Estevez. When the announcement came, I held Susie’s hand, it was hot — 373 on the Kelvin scale — and her palm was Herrera. Gadzooks, I exclaimed. Then Jim won, and I went home with my Johnson, but no Herrera palm. Oh well, guess I’ll have to take down my Cam I set up by my Bedrosian. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Joe Musgrove – I don’t want to oversell how good his debut was but it was the best debut in the last 130 years. In 1886, a pitcher by the name of Colonel Tom Yangspool threw a two-hitter in his debut, but in 1886 pitchers threw a bowling ball and hitters used a fly swatter. The nice thing about Musgrove is he has good command so he shouldn’t be prone to explosions. The bad thing about that sentiment is the same could’ve been said of Jose Berrios and Aaron Nola.
Ivan Nova – The Stream-o-Nator loves his start on Saturday and I can’t tell if the bot is just lonely and hoping someone will ask him why it likes Nova so much or actually likes him. Guess we’ll find out.
Jose Berrios – See what I said 1/4 of an inch above. Or 3 inches if you’re talking to a girl.
Jose De Leon – Dodgers may promote him for Saturday’s start with Norris unable to go. I’ve already given you my Jose De Leon fantasy. It was written on the side of a milk carton, then lost for a few years. Irony? Perhaps.
Matt Moore – I just went over him this morning. If you scroll real fast to that post, the disappearing ink won’t dry.
Tyler Skaggs – I’ve told you to pick up Skaggs about 1,700 times. Plus/minus 1,695.
Gary Sanchez – Here’s what I said the other day, “Gary Sanchez sounds like the whitest Latino since Freddie Prinze Jr. I’d grab Gary if I needed a catcher and if he had catcher eligibility in my league. For full disclosure, I didn’t grab him in a league where I had Grandal.” And that’s me quoting me!
A.J. Reed – Could Reed be the biggest bust since Billy Butler won a wet t-shirt contest in Cabo San Lucas last offseason? Maybe, but it’s too early to say, and, instead, I’d grab Reed if I need some sweet upside.
Brandon Moss -You’d be happy as hell to get power in a deal, maybe your soul you’d sell, that’s the Moss appeal.
Pedro Alvarez – Has been crazy hot and you know the Hitter-Tron likes Alvarez like it likes laying pipe, literally.
Trea Turner – In the last week, Turner has been a top five 2nd baseman; in the last two weeks, he’s been a top two 2nd baseman; semicolons are fun. If Turner keeps up his first month in the majors over the course of a season, he’s a 7 HR, 50 SB, .280 guy. Yeah, that’s solid. Unlikely, but solid. More likely 12/35/.280, which is still top five for the position.
Orlando Arcia – I just gave you my Orlando Arcia fantasy. I wrote it while waiting to get on the big water slide.
Yoan Moncada – Next week, he’ll prolly be the lede, if he’s not called up prior to that. You have been advised, said like Nick Capozzi.
Scooter Gennett – Of course, he’d be more appealing if he were Motorcycle Gennett and wore a shirt that said, “If you can read this my middle infielder fell off,” but we have Scooter. Deal with it.
Yasmany Tomas – Might be the hottest bat in the entire nation, and that’s including the fruit bat that John Malkovich keeps in his closet to suck his blood for old school transfusions.
Brad Miller – This guy’s been no schmohawk this year, and will likely fall into that group of players that people bring up next preseason about drafting them for a cheap 20 HRs. These same people aren’t even owning Miller right now.
Eduardo Escobar – Hitting near-.350 with two homers in the last week, i.e. hot Edmotato.
David Dahl – I just gave you my David Dahl fantasy. It was written while explaining the importance of a Skypager.
Aaron Altherr – Phillie fans are talking about the comparison between Altherr and ex-Phils’ outfielder, Aaron Rowand. Okay, technically, Phils fans say, “Something-something Aaron,” then pass out in their own puke. But I’ll be damned if they’re not thinking of a Rowand comparison.
Travis Jankowski – Nowadays, being in the top five for steals is like being the world’s tallest midget, but Jankowksi is going to be top five for steals against guys that have 200 more at-bats.
Aaron Judge – He was sidelined for about a month right after I told you to grab him because his ETA was imminent, the real Real Slim Shady. Now Judge is back from injury, and the Yanks have no reason to not promote him.
Andrew Benintendi – Sell Benafflecki, Buy Benintendi was supposed to be the title, and the lede was going to be Benintendi, but I wanted to knock out a shizzton of closers without having to list them like I’m going to a supermarket for SAGNOF. Benintendi is no less the pick up buried in this Buy. If you’ve watched him, you’ll see a guy that doesn’t look like a huge power or speed guy. And he’s not, from his minor league numbers. He does look like a solid, five category contributor. Think 25 HR, 20 SB, .280 and good counting stats. I immediately grabbed him in my 12-team league, and I’d own him everywhere for at least a week or two to see if he comes on strong.
Kevin Kiermaier – I know, I just went crazy with The Prorater on Trea Turner, but Turner is a bit of a unknown, he doesn’t have three years under his belt. So, with that said, I found this to be funny. ESPN said about Kiermaier, “(His) walk rate has nearly tripled from last year, and if you prorate his six homers and 10 steals in 55 contests over 162 games, you get 17 long balls and 29 swipes.” Hahahahaha–Breathe, Grey, breathe! I’m sorry, you’re prorating Kiermaier over 162 games and getting a 17/29 season?! Oh my God, that is silly.
SELL
Carlos Gomez – Up until this week, these sells were sells, but now they’re more drops, but I’m going to continue to call it Sell, for harmony with past posts. As for CarGo (the lousy one), on our Player Rater, he’s ranked 413 overall. You’ve given him so much rope he’s standing on the ground with the rope tied to the top of the Empire State Building.
Dallas Keuchel – You guys had a good run (last year). Get his information and you can write him a postcard using the tears of fallen fantasy teams that he’s ruined.
Addison Russell – Who knows, maybe Russell can figure it out at some point, but right now he has 12 HRs and a .240 average. That’s a poor man’s Scooter. I will call him Shopping Cart.
