Twinkies Festaing On Some Lil’ Zebbies

David Festa will start today for the Twins, and there’s rumors that Zebby Matthews will be called up this weekend to take part in a six-man rotation. Or as Lionel Richie would say, “We’re going to Party, Zebby, Festa, forever. Come on, and sing my song!” Lionel Richie is a big-time fantasy baseball guy, by the by. He drafted Jose Berrios and named his team Jose You, Jose Me, Say It Together, That’s The Way Jose Be(rrios). So, David Festa does less for me. He supposedly has great command, but hasn’t shown it and is prone to homers, even though he keeps the ball down. He definitely has The Stuff^TM — 95 MPH 4-seamer, 88 MPH slider and change, and 95 MPH sinker, that he barely throws. There seems like something here that could be unlocked, but he has not unlocked. I’d only get involved in 15-team mixed and deeper. Now, Zebby is a less of a sure thing to be promoted as I do this finger-typey thing, but he’s very interesting if he gets the call. His velocity is up this year (97 MPH 4-seamer, 95 last year), and his control is immaculate. He could be an ace. Of course, he’s a rookie starter, so it could go oopsie-roofie. I’d prioritize Zebby in every league, even the shallowest. Lil’ Zebby is a snack! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jo Adell – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Ward, Trout And Adell Go Rolling In The Deep Twice, that would’ve been your title if I wasn’t so horned-up for rookies. If I wasn’t a sweaty mess who looked like he just walked through a car wash, I’m so horned-up for rookies. I’m sorry I’m like this. So, Jo (rhymes!) went into Big Stein and looked the same as he does every time he’s been in a Triple-A stadium. Now, there’s two absolutely goofy stadiums plus Coors, and I don’t know if we can start Rays pitchers at home either. What a mess. At least the Rays are playing, like, 60 games at home by June. I guess for weather reasons. Any hoo! Jo Adell won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he could be a hot schmotato. Do I think he’s finally breaking out? Ha, no. They have a saying in Tennessee, at least I think it’s Tennessee, I know it’s in Texas. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, fool me three times…fool me fifty-six times, fool me…What number are we up to?”

Taylor Ward – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. That’s how you go Taylor HAM! (Don’t correct me by saying pork roll; I don’t hear that.) Unlike Adell (player, not singer), Ward is a two to three fantasy outfielder.

Mike Trout – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer. He’s going to have a 60-day IL stint after his 14th homer, so keep that in mind. Don’t shoot the messenger, shoot the Magic 8 Ball!

Jose Soriano – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Looks like the breakout might be legit. If I sound skeptical, it’s because that’s my usual MO. They say there’s things you can do to be less skeptical, but I doubt it works.

Yoan Moncada – Hit the IL. This is the guy the Angels got to back up Anthony Rendon. Maybe to back up Moncada they can lure Grady Sizemore out of retirement.

Zack Littell – 4 IP, 7 ER, 4 HRs allowed, 6.88. Littell starring in The Incredible Shrinking Fantasy Value.

Ty France – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer and his 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato? Sure, but he won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s here now. You see London, you see France, why am at the DMV in my underpants?

Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 7.11. Slurpees for everyone! I could tell you Ober is pitching much better than his 24/7/365 7.11 ERA because it’s out of whack from one start, but, well, I just did.

Michael Wacha – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Elias Sports Bureau said, “A 7.11 ERA vs. 4.20 ERA is a classic battle that surprisingly didn’t end in Funyons.”

Chris Bassitt – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.98. Jays’ pitchers are barely above 3 ERA, and that’s including Berrios’s janky Opening Day start, and their starters are barely above 2. With Berrios’s jankster! Take out Berrios’s junky one start, Jays’ starters are under 2 ERA and under 1 WHIP.

Walker Buehler – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.74. Were 100 MPH winds blowing in at Fenway yesterday? Asking for a friend (my brain). I kid, Buehler has 14:2 K:BB, which is solid. Might be buying if on waivers, because why the eff not.

Yasmani Grandal – Signed to a minor league deal. What, you don’t like Carlos Narvaez? Hey, real question, can Yoshida catch?

Spencer Strider – In a rehab start, he struck out 13 in 5 1/3 IP. Oh…[walks from Maine to Alaska]…kay.

Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. After Ozuna hit the walk-off, you could also feel like the entire Braves organization breathed a sigh of relief and was like, “Oh, yeah, we’re not a worse team than all teams but the White Sux.”

Spencer Schwellenbach – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.45. His only mistake was a home run to…

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer. Dave Letterman, “Schwarber…Schwellenbach…Schwellenbach…Schwarber…Schwarber…Schwellenbach…”

Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.50. Bummer, no win. Sorry, I’m just reading the Braves’ box score now. Luzardo looks great, as I said last time he pitched, he could be the Comeback Player of the Year. Well, if it’s not Spencer Strider.

Brenton Doyle – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He’s just good. It’s not Coors. Know why? Bud Black jinxing every goddamn thing cancels out Coors.

Quinn Priester – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks in his 1st start for the Brewers. Wanted Logan Henderson or even Misiorowski in the Brewers’ rotation, but take what you receive from Priester. Amen. Don’t want to mess with him in mixed leagues after one start though, but Streamonator does actually like his next one, which is surprising to me.

Kyle Manzardo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Funny thing about baseball right now (not funny), you see a guy hit a homer off a terrible pitcher on the White Sux, and you think, “Well, he homered because it was a bad pitcher,” but the thing is there’s a ton of terrible pitchers in MLB in goofy hitter-friendly parks.

Steven Kwan – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Not to take anything away from him (which he says right before taking something away), but Kwan was hitting around .400 through June last year and hit .206 in the 2nd half.

Gavin Williams – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.46. I’m sure there’s a pitcher I wouldn’t start against the White Sux, but I can’t think of him right now. Streamonator hates Williams’s next one, and I don’t trust him.

Chase Meidroth – Called up by the White Sux. Not sure where he’s going to play. They have Luis Robert, Andrew Vaughn, Placeholder 1, Placeholder 2, Placeholder 3, Placeholder 4, Placeholder 5, Placeholder 6, Catcher. He can’t catch, can he? Can he hold a place? Geez, gonna be tough to find at-bats. Well, just in Chase! High five me! Right now! No? Okay. So, Meidroth looks like he could hit .245 with zero strikeouts and zero power. A chip off the ol’ Nick Madrigal!

Korey Lee – Hit the IL with an ankle sprain. He sprained it wincing at Tauchman straining his hamstring. Matt Thaiss is now the White Sox everyday catcher. No relation to the rap song that may or may not exist, “White Thaiss.” Sounds like a song, doesn’t it? Was it Mos Def?