Know why Steve Pearce went off yesterday for three homers (3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 6th, 7th and 8th homer)?  Because he’s only owned in 3% of fantasy leagues.  That’s spiteful, Steve Pearce.  Spite is one of the seven deadliest sins.  Right after that soup the fat guy ate in Se7en.  Not to be confused with Goop, which is Paltrow’s career after she stopped being harassed by Harvey Weinstein.  Allow a gross, sweaty producer to rub his genitals against you in unwanted advances, win an Oscar.  Sleep with that guy from Coldplay, do movies with Huey Lewis.  Speaking of Coldplay, Pearce has been terrible for the last few weeks, but the Sawx have committed to Pearce in a favorable lineup spot, at least against lefties, which he’s rewarded them with solid production (hitting near-.360 vs. lefties).  He’s not quite at a Goop-level bounce back, but he is above starring with Huey Lewis and/or Chris Martin.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brian Johnson – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.74.  Brian Johnson’s stuff is far from electric, no matter the connection to AC/DC.

Chris Sale – Will return next Wednesday from achin’ venient injury–Excuse me, a ‘sore shoulder’ that just happen to coincide with Bahston taking on Noo Yawk.

Mookie Betts – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 21st steal, hitting .346.  Mookie Ballgame!

CC Sabathia – 3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.59.  He faced only 17 batters, threw 77 pitches and, was so unable to find the strike zone, he should be called BCC.

Didi Gregorius – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer, a 3-run shot off Brian Johnson — Didi deeds, gone for three.  And a solo shot off BJ, because he blows.

Aaron Hicks – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 18th homer, hitting .255.  Hicks is having a quietly valuable season, huh?  Not to answer, over-the-internet friend.  Shizz is rhetorical.  On the Player Rater, he’s just about a top 25 outfielder.

Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 25th homer.  Mean’s while, Aaron Judge told a 6-year-old he shouldn’t patty cake with them because of his wrist.  Hell hath no fury like a Giancarlo secret lover scorned.

Sonny Gray – Demoted to the bullpen.  Everyone was saying the right things.  Gray said, “I wanna help the team any way I can.”  Lance Lynn said, “I’m happy to step into the rotation.”  Lance Lynn’s beard said, “Can someone at least mop me into the trash?”

Blake Snell – Will return on Saturday from pretendonitis–Excuse me, a ‘sore shoulder’ that just happen to coincide with him needing to throw less innings this year.

Steven Matz – Hit the DL, but his MRI came back clean on his forearm.  After the MRI results came in, the doctor whispered to the MRI machine, “Just give it a few more weeks with Mets trainers.”  Then the MRI machine and doctor sniggered.

Todd Frazier – 0-for-4, hitting .213, as he was activated from the DL.  If Todd Frazier’s return is something you were waiting on for your fantasy team, may I suggest our fantasy football site?

Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer.  That’s out of nowhere.  Nimmo had been missing for a while.

Mike Foltynewicz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.04.  One way to stop a regression slide (18 ER in his previous 29 1/3 IP)?  Face the Mess.

Ozzie Albies – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 11th steal, hitting .282.  Has definitely cooled off since his torrid start, but he’s still on pace for a 31-homer, 17-steal season.  Yeah, that’s easy top 25 numbers.

Bobby Wahl – Mets brought him up to work out of the bullpen after Wahl spent 17 seasons starring as Arli$$.  Wahl could be the answer to who really is the Mets closer because Swarzak is pretty terrible and Gsellman is…Well, what the Ghellman are the Mets doing with him?  I wouldn’t outright drop Swarzak yet, but I could see grabbing Wahl.  Why, is your pregunta.  He had a 14.7 K/9 and a 2.20 ERA in Triple-A with 12 saves.  Pitcher appears to be closer than anyone else.

Mike Trout – X-rays on his jammed wrist returned negative results, which is actually positive!  Stop freaking out!

Andrew Heaney – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Stream-o-Nator liked yesterday’s start (expected 6 IP, 2 ER, so…*raspberries lips*), but loves his next start, and I see no reason not to start Heaney at home vs. the Tigers.

Chris Tillman – Signed a deal with the Rangers.  Rangers sure like to take a chance on random flyers.  They have Bartolo Colon, Mike Minor, Yovani and Matt Bush.  The Rangers’ rebuilding effort could be confused with the Island of Misfit Toys.

Rougned Odor – 1-for-1, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer.  Okay, I know yesterday’s game was not a Tom Emanski clinic, but Odor had five walks.  Five!  I’m not sure he walked that many times all of last year.

Jurickson Profar – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .252.  Has done a lot more than I ever thought he’d do this year.  Granted, he’s still only on pace to hit 17 homers with a .255 average, but I would’ve been shocked by 7+ homers by him in the beginning of the year.

Andrew Cashner – 1 2/3 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 5.05.  Good, relaxed-fit jeans, terrible pitcher.

Mark Trumbo – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  It’s about a 100 to 1 prop bet, but it’s not out of the realm of possibilities to see Trumbo get to 27 homers on the year.  That means there’s still a lot left in the tank.

Trey Mancini – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Kris Bryant – Still feeling pain in his shoulder.  Damn, doode, starting to wonder if he’ll be back at all this year.  Realsies.

Wil Myers – Left the game with an injured foot, and was seen in a walking boot.  This guy is such a jizzoke.  I’m done with him.  Don’t worry, I promise you, I will not be ranking him anywhere near the top 100 next year.  We’re done, cuz!

Justin Turner – 1-for-2, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, as he was activated from the DL.  Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I just texted a pic of my nuts to HR and I might be in trouble.”

Brian Dozier – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games on the Dodgers.  Visual Metaphor Alert!  There’s a giant ship with the name Titanic on the side, but the name is crossed out and it now reads, “Max Muncy’s fantasy value.”  The Dodgers are at the dock, waving, so it’s kinda bittersweet.

Joc Pederson – 2-for-6, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer.  Who needs Manny Machado when there’s hot August weather and balls are legit flying out of everywhere?

Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 18th homer.  I own Bellinger, but I’ll be fine if he doesn’t do anything.  Instead, I want him to have a huge 2nd half so in retrospect my preseason ranking of him won’t seem as bad.  Selfish, but sneaky selfish.  Like a crawfish.

Yasiel Puig – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer.  The Dodgers could have five season-ending injured players and still have a stacked lineup.

Chase Utley – Hit the DL with “Justin Turner needed room on the roster so we had to DL or release someone and no one ever checks if there’s an actual injury, so we’re just going to DL this guy.”

Christian Yelich – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 16th homer.  But how about that Brewers pitching staff?  Amiright?

Jake Lamb – Having season-ending surgery on his shoulder.  He said he hated to have the surgery because he was letting down the team.  The Diamondbacks said, “We can have Eduardo Escobar drive you to the hospital.”

David Peralta – 4-for-5 as he returned to the lineup, hitting .292.  He won;t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but you know I’m uncomfortably infatuated with Peralta.

Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.97.  The ERA is still nice, but that’ll go soon too.  Hey, I’ve been saying he’s not right a few months now.

Evan Longoria – 1-for-5 and his 11th homer, his first homer since May 29th, as he hits third.  Man, I don’t know how the Giants are going to salvage this shizzshow

Nick Pivetta – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.75.  That start was okay, I guess, but it was against the Mehlins.  Pivetta is a disgrace to his sexy peripherals.

Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-3 and his 22nd homer.  If you Google, “thumping his chest” + “Tout Wars” you can find someone else’s preseason recap of their team, and what they thought of my team.  My team that is currently in first and has been all year.  *blows on knuckles, wipes knuckles on shirt*  Damn it, why did I have strawberry sauce on my knuckles?

Maikel Franco – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .277.  This was his 5th homer since the break.  While you’re waiting for Kris Bryant (insert your player’s name) to come around, Maikel’s dropping multiple fire emojis.

Kyle Barraclough – 2/3 IP, 4 ER and his 6th blown save, ERA at 3.28.  This moves his record to 0-5.  Former Marlins closer, Brad Ziegler, also lost 5 games.  If the Marlins won those ten games, they’d be above .500.  Cust kayin’.

Kendrys Morales – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column.  Enticing!

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 27th and 28th homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in as many games.  Like EPMD, that’s business as usual.

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.33 with his 15th win.  With his eyes being two different colors, it’s impossible to compete against him.  He sees everything in 3-D.

Trea Turner – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (14) and double legs (29, 30), hitting .272.  And you wondered why I put Trea Turner so high in my top 100 for the 2nd halfNo, we wondered about Kyle Tucker.  Okay, quiet, Random Italicized Voice.

Bryce Harper – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer.  Okay, it’s been a sample size of about two days, but the Nats look like a new team since Trea Turner’s racist, homophobic tweets were unearthed.  Can’t Dee Gordon tweet something controversial?

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .301.  Possibly more impressive:  .382 OBP.  He is just having a gorgeous season.  Eugorgenio?  Hmm, maybe not.

Daniel Palka – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer.  Don’t usually mention pinch-hit homers, but he’s hit a pinch-hit homer twice now in four games.  If the White Sox and Palka are playing charades and Palka is acting out Rusty Staub, cool.  If not, maybe you just play Palka, you schmohawks.

Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .263.  Not to get down on a guy in a non-sexual way, but Abreu only has one more homer than Palka, who as previously noted doesn’t even play.

Reynaldo Lopez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.47 vs. Brad Keller – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.39.  The Royals/White Sox matchup is the proverbial tree falling in the forest with no one around to hear it.  Both lineups are like Murmurer’s Row.

Luis Avilan – 2/3 IP and his first save.  Avilan is the Eskimo word for “he’s a lefty, yawn.”  Complex language that one.  So, the White Sox closer position is Fry, Jeanmar Shizzshow and Lefty Yawn.  Not sure it’s worth getting involved here, but, when in doubt, I go for the guy who at least recorded a save (Avilan).

Wade Davis – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and his 5th blown save, ERA at 4.57.  Bud Black looking out at the abyss, “It’s too bad I have no one to replace Davis.”  Ottavino moves into Black’s field of vision.  “Ottavino, could you scooch a little?  I’m trying to look out into the abyss.”

Miles Mikolas – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.75.  I don’t think I was ever properly feted for telling people to draft Mikolas and not Ohtani.  I await your tossed roses.

Austin Gomber – Will take Carlos Martinez’s rotation spot.  C-Mart’s likely done for the year, so Gomber Johnny could have 50 IP in his arm left.  He’s an interesting arm to me in deeper leagues, and a streamer in shallower ones.  Looking at a 8.5 K/9, 3.8 BB/9 and low 4 ERA.  Of course, the ERA is dependent on luck and other factors, but I’m intrigued, y’all!

Marcell Ozuna – Left yesterday’s game with mild toe discomfort.  Aw, poor baby, your schnuggies are a boo-boo on your bootie?  What a giant loser this guy is.  I wish I could give him multiple toe discomfort by shoving my foot up his ass!

Harrison Bader – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 11th steal.  Yes, 11 steals.  I own Ozuna, so, when I say this, I am going against my own best interest, but I hope Ozuna’s out a while and Bader and Tyler O’Neill (1-for-2, 1 RBI) get starts.  *sees late news alert that Ozuna plans to return on Friday*  Lowercase yay.

Rick Ankiel – Toying with the idea of returning as a pitcher.  Lame choice, man.  You already returned once as a pitcher.  Just as you returned once as a hitter.  Let’s see you return as a woman!