Moogly-boogly! It’s been a long winter. The Buy/Sell Column’s back asking, “Did you miss me?!” During the offseason, while you were diddling and thinking about how your middle school nickname was Bracecrotch, I, The Buy/Sell Column was re-reenacting scenes from The Act of Killing with puppets in a staged production on the western tip of Alaska because I’M HARDCORE! You want some Rip Taylor-wannabe, throwing confetti at your feet or you want a Buy/Sell Column that be cutting puppets’ necks with chicken wire while bundled up in fur coats because it was frickin’ cold in Alaska during the winter!? Like Jose Altuve trying to get the Cocoa Puffs, you want the latter! I’m eating puppet stuffing like I’m George “The Animal” Steele just to prove how crazy I am! Okay, enough of the hubbub on the tomfoolery, I’m in on Domingo Santana. Like all the way in. Like Michael, Sonny, Tom Hagen and Vito — all the way in. Like an Asian man wearing dark sunglasses indoors, pushing his chips into the middle of a table — all the way in! Like Gilligan in quicksand — all the way in! The Brewers are awful, this is not a lie. But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — Miller Park is a great park to hit in. The Brewers offense is not entirely as bad as their pitching. Domingo is a 25 HR, 10 SB guy. Let’s see, that’s better than Hunter Pence. Better than Kole Calhoun. Shoot, that’s better than Matt Kemp. Does Domingo have more risk than those guys? Yeah, word, you betcha. He also has more upside. Right now, Domingo is owned in 33% of ESPN leagues, that’s goofy. Don’t want my word for it? Then stare into Grey’s eyes on his little avatar photo until you see yourself. Now ask yourself if there’s a reason you haven’t picked up Domingo yet, and if there’s no answer, then grab him! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Michael Saunders – There’s still a potential here for a breakout and the Jays look to be playing him on most days. Plus, he shows up every day in the clubhouse with a bucket of fried chicken, saying, “Colonel Saunders reporting for duty!”
Joey Rickard – You don’t like Joey Rickard? You don’t like Joe-eee Rick-ARD?! Okay, you don’t know Joey Rickard, that’s fair. He’s a Rule 5 outfielder playing every day for the Orioles. Rule 5 means a shizzton of nonsense, but for us, it means one thing: he has to stay with the team all year or they lose him. So, what can he do? Steal 20 bases and hit 5 badonkadonks. Not fantabulous, but not awful in deep leagues.
Brock Holt – This guy is like salt, he works everywhere. And if you use him for very long and in large quantities you might get high blood pressure because he’s not that good.
Chris Owings – He seems to be winning the hearts and minds of the Diamondbacks over Socrates. If Owings broke out, it wouldn’t shock me. He’s only 24 and he had a 12 HR, 20 SB season in Triple-A with a .330 average. He Ks a bit much to hit for that good of average in the majors, but he hit four homers and stole 16 bases last year in the majors. By the way, someone should gift wrap a few empty bins and give them to their lady, then when they open it, you say, “So…crates.” Punny presents always get the ladies happy.
Chris Carter – I’m wild for Brewers bats and they’re wild for me. *pulls daisy petal from flower* The Brewers love me. *pulls daisy petal from flower* The Brewers love me not. *turns head, sees JB’s face, shoots up in bed, sweating* I just had the scariest dream.
Tyler White – Have liked what I’ve seen so far from White, and wouldn’t be surprised to see him move up in the order, with Rasmus being relegated to six or lower. Or this is a three-game sample size talking.
Travis Shaw – Not sure if I like him as a 3rd baseman, not even sure about him at corner, but as a utility, as my dead Jewish grandmother would say, “You could do worse.”
Matt Szczur – Imagine someone on Wheel of Fortune trying to guess his name, it could filled in to M_tt Szczur and they wouldn’t be able to say it. Szczur is more of an NL-Only play, but he does have 7-10 HR power and 20-steal speed.
Michael Taylor – With Revere to the DL and injury-prone even when healthy, Taylor is a solid flyer in all leagues. He was a 14 HR, 16 SB his rookie year last year. What’s not to like?! *covers mouth so you can barely hear* He might hit .215.
Nick Hundley – I sorta understood having to coax people into picking up Hundley last year, but why is he owned in only 20% of leagues this year? Are people playing in a zero-catcher league?
Cesar Hernandez – Hitting at the top of the Phillies lineup and has 25 steal speed. And if you own Cesar, Socrates and Arquimedes, you can finally wear your sweatpants toga and not feel silly.
Scooter Gennett – Am I Judge Reinhold and JB is Fred Savage or vice versa?
Jonathan Schoop – You can’t throw a stick and not hit a middle infielder to pick up in some mixed leagues. Of course, you’d like to throw a stick harder at some of these guys early on.
Jake Lamb – He’s baaaaaaahd, he’s baaaaaaahd, jam on it!
Nick Ahmed – Fun fact! When The Simpsons play in Pakistan, the character of Dr. Nick is changed to Nick Ahmed.
Dalier Hinojosa – I could’ve also listed David Hernandez, and I just sorta did. By the way, you don’t see Luke Gregerson here because he’s owned in more than 50% of ESPN leagues. That goes for a bunch of players. Dem’s the arbitrary rules, fellas and five girls!
Arodys Vizcaino – He’s the Braves closer. Okay, I’d pick him up anyway.
Sam Dyson – Because Tolleson could be out of a job by next week this time. Lucky for Tolleson, I don’t work for Rangers’ Human Resources.
Aaron Sanchez – I just gave you my Aaron Sanchez fantasy. I wrote it while alphabetically ordering my record collection.
Juan Nicasio – I just gave you my Juan Nicasio fantasy. It was written while telling the waiter I’ll have the fish special, “Just for the halibut!”
Jeremy Hellickson – In mixed leagues, I’m like a cyclops with a monocle for this guy. In very deep leagues, I’ve already grabbed him. A starter who has found success before, moves into the NL East and finds success again, wouldn’t be the first time that story played out. Remember, as recently as 2012, he had a 3.10 ERA in 177 IP.
Rich Hill – Not totally sure what to make of Hill yet, but the Stream-o-Nator is lukewarm on his next start and I’d give him a whirlybirdie.
Jonathan Villar – Okay, this is my last Brewer bat. Promise.
Aledmys Diaz – The Cardinals have no one else really to play short until The Superfluous H returns. *cut to Jedd Gyorko, mouth taped, in gorilla costume, headed to Africa*
SELL
Michael Wacha – I told everyone not to draft him in the preseason. I said I had my concerns. Those concerns weren’t exacerbated by his first start, and, no, I don’t know what exacerbated means, but those concerns haven’t gone away either.
Robinson Cano – “He had a great 2nd half, this is the continuation of that! Why can’t you see something that is as obvious as the nose on your extremely handsome face?!” That’s you. This is also you, “Cano’s hips are better, he’s healthy, he’s the greatest living 2nd baseman unless Joe Morgan is still living. Is Joe Morgan alive?” This is finally you, “You can’t handle the Cano!” Hey, it’s been almost three-quarters of one week into the season, I get it, you’re passionate. I’d say there’s a good chance Cano doesn’t hit more homers than games. Actually, I think there’s a good chance he doesn’t reach 20 homers. So, you now have a fifth of all of his power. You scored, well done. Doesn’t mean you can’t trade him high. Would I trade him for the opportunity to work at an iPhone Chinese sweatshop? No, but I would explore options. Oh, and Rudy wanted me to let everyone know our Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell Tool is up (and agrees with Cano as a sell), and our Player Rater.
