The following details are from secret documents released by RazzAnon in a major investigation, sponsored by Manscaped. 

In 2020, New Line Sports apparel — sick of only selling Fernando Tatis Jr. shirseys — met in secret with one Mr. Robert Manfred in a Dennys somewhere outside of Taos, New Mexico. The topic of conversation? Ridding the world of hits. “We want people to love Wade Miley, and buy several of his sweatbands,” one employee was caught saying on tape recorder. What followed was a year-long effort to rid the world of hits, bat flips, dingers, and dongers. “A no-hitter every game was our ideal, maybe one or two bunts at most,” said Carleton Evers, the social media marketing manager. “We just wanted to change the game of baseball into pitching highlights with ball trails on every pitch.”

Manfred, no stranger to messing with the game he oversaw, put low-T District of Columbia senator Miles Miller in charge of ending the hit parade. “When we went to Nationals games, we didn’t want to see Sexy Dr. Pepper,” Miles said to YouTube reporter BurningFastball, “we just wanted to see Erick Fedde whiffing batter after batter after batter. Perfect innings, every inning. That was the plan. Change pitchers every 6 batters or so. The optimal time to stand up, buy a beer and a hot dog, and get an Austin Voth shirsey.”

RazzAnon will conduct a meet-up at the baseball Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio, on June 31st to release more details about what we’ve found, connecting Manfred to Richard Branson, Carrot Top, and a secret underground cabal of Cuban cigar manufacturers stealing humidor technology from the United States. Stay frosty, friends!