I’ve been mentioning him here and there in the blurb sections of the roundups, but I can’t wait until Friday’s Buy, or until the offseason when I’m gonna gush over him in a sleeper post. I love Cody Asche. I love him for everything he is, and for everything he’s not. One thing he’s not is on many, if anyone’s radar. He’s not even owned in 1% of ESPN leagues, though once Matthew Berry picks him up on 24,000 of his teams that number will shoot up to 99% owned. Yesterday, Asche went 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer in 28 games. Prorate that over a full season and he’s hitting 40 homers– Wait, I had my calculator to Chris Davis math. Okay, so it’s only about 15-20 homers, but he can also steal 10 bases and should hit around .290. He’s like a modern day Eric Hosmer, if Eric Hosmer weren’t already modern day. I remixing The Game for this Outkast and Asche’s to Asche’s, ah ha, don’t make me hush this fuss! Why do I love him for this year, but much more for 2014 fantasy baseball? The Phillies need to move towards the future, and Asche will have a starting job, and get drafted in the late 200’s in most mixed leagues, but have the upside of a 70/17/82/.285/10 player. Yes, I just gave you my first 2014 projection. Cody Asche, you make me excited, let’s cuddle. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Gio Gonzalez – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Bad day to expect a decent start from your ace vs. a crap team. Yesterday, was a good day to expect a solid start from your ace vs. a great team. What a wildly uneven season it’s been for Gio. 5.34 ERA in April and July, sub-2.50 ERA’s in May and July. It’s like the ADHD version of Saberhagenmetrics.
Wilson Ramos – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last week. Volleyball Away We Go’s homer last night was an absolute bomb the other way. Not much more than a .270, 3-4 homer per month hitter, but if he’s locked in, I could see grabbing him.
Denard Span – 3-for-6, 2 runs and a steal. Guess how many steals he has. Go ahead, I’ll wait. *scratches head, makes an errant throw of a soda can towards the garbage that knocks over a candelabra, throws priceless childhood teddy bear on flames, screams like a little girl, stomps out remaining fire and rushes teddy bear to hospital, returns home with $3,000 bill* Okay, I’m done waiting. Denard has 12 steals! Blech, that’s terrible.
Jason Heyward – Cleared for catch and tee work. He hopes to be ready for the Fall Classic in Pitch and Putt.
Evan Gattis – 3-for-3 and his 16th homer after returning from a three day stint in the minors. The minor league season was over but Gattis just wandered around for a few days and felt right at home. I’d grab Gattis for my catcher slot if I were struggling; I wouldn’t expect him to play more than five games per week.
B.J. Upton – 2-for-4, and 4-for-8 in the last two games. I wasn’t joking yesterday when I said he was insanely hot last September, and I’d take a flyer on him to see if he can repeat it this year.
Kris Medlen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Mets in what was billed in the preseason as “The One For NL East Bragging Rights” and ended up “The One Where The Mets Bat Josh Satin Third And It Actually Makes Sense With Their Lineup.”
Andrelton Simmons – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Bit of a bummer that he’s been batting 8th, but really can’t see him moving up, unless he were in a flying saucer.
Eric Young – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 35th steal. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, months turned into a trimester, and something else plagiarized from a different writer about how long it’s been now that I’ve owned Young on my RCL team. Somehow, I have 27 steals from him in 335 ABs. It’s actually amazing I’m even competing in homers considering I’ve forfeited his spot for any power (and I’m carrying Rajai. Grey, you so crazy; I think I wanna have your baby!).
Carlos Torres – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, 2.89 ERA through 62 1/3 IP and a 1.07 WHIP. It doesn’t really make sense with his past history. Maybe that was Carlos and now he’s Carfound; I don’t know. I still wouldn’t trust him unless I absolutely had to and only in home matchups, which he does get next time out (vs. the Nats), so it’s a possibility.
Matt Kemp – Unlikely to be activated this weekend. Guess his OB/GYN didn’t clear him.
Salvador Perez – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a home run the first day on my team. Sitting Shiva Perez! For that, I’ll brush the dead leaves off your abuelita’s gravestone while you go get us cafe con leche.
Bruce Chen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.81. Not surprising he pitched well again; if you’re gonna sell your soul, you don’t say, “Make me pitch well for every game, except the Mariners one.”
Erasmo Ramirez – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, 5.07 ERA. I realize I was guilty of hyping him up a tad (a lot), but you gotta look elsewhere, he hasn’t been worth the aggravation.
Kyle Seager – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting near .400 in the last week. You know, when my Cougar is on a boat, she’s a total Seager.
Justin Masterson – Will not make his next start. Wait, it gets worst. He also used your Eric Davis rookie card as a coaster. Nah, I’m playin’; it’s not that bad. He could also miss a second start, due to this, can’t put his finger on it, I don’t know, they’re saying something oblique.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. They’ve gone about it in two completely different ways, but Ubaldo and Gio Gonzalez have nearly the same ERAs. Gag me with a spoon. No, not Valley Girl talk, literally jam a spoon into my throat. The Stream-o-Nator found today’s start digestible for Ubaldo, and thinks about the same for him next time. I have my concerns, but he’s proven to be startable in most mixed leagues.
Chris Perez – 1 IP, 3 ER. Kazaam!
Nate McLouth – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs. He got McLousy for a while there, and his steals dried up pretty hardcore as a girl with tattoos would say, but McLouth has now hit homers in back-to-back games, so it could be the start of somethin’, gotta be startin’ somethin’.
Billy Hamilton – Got his first major league steal on a pinch run assignment. It came on Yadier Molina. All Molina could do was smile. When Hamilton runs, all I can hear is Patrick Swayze’s song, She’s Like the Wind.
Homer Bailey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks. You know what, Christian Bale is? Tempestuous. You need him for your movie, because, brucely, he’s a great actor, but you get him on your movie and he pistol whips an intern for bringing him a tuna salad sandwich with two toothpicks. “I SAID ONE TOOTHPICK ON EACH SIDE!!! En garde!” Homer Bailey not only looks like Bale, but he acts like him. He labors through a Brew Crew matchup, mentally checked out, then he ties one on the Cardinals.
Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. Not only better than I expected, but much better than I expected. Okay, so I could’ve just said much better than I expected and been done with the sentence; you marking your screen for superfluous words? First thing we do, kill all the adverbs! Sorry, Cliff Lee. Wacha draws another tough matchup next vs. the Pirates and I’d still be careful. Not a great time of year to get risky with yo’ bad self.
Yonder Alonso – Could return in two weeks. Since he has six homers in 95 games so far, that means in the two final weeks he could get at least 4 long outs and a double off the wall.
Hiroki Kuroda – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, now 12 earned runs in the last eleven innings. Hiroki Kuroda hates your H2H team.
Phil Hughes – Demoted to the bullpen. The pitchers in the bullpen said, “Don’t insult us.”
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th steal. Not playing every day, but has gotten in there more times than not even with Pasta Diving Jeter back. Nunez is a decent flyer to look at for some middle infidel speed in deeper leagues. At least he won’t pretend to have a full contact book so he can’t take down your number.
Alejandro De Aza – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (15) and legs (19). So, this is a little weird. I went to the Player Rater to see where De Aza ranked and I expected him to be much higher than I expected, but it’s the opposite. He’s much lower. I mean, not bad, but around that of Victorino, Crisp and Moss, guys who haven’t played nearly as many games (thus accruing counting stats). Hey, I never said this was funny or interesting, just a little weird. Cut me some slack!
Adam Dunn – 1-for-4, 1 RBI. He said he could possibly retire after this year. Babe, The Blue Ox said, “I’m not pushing him one way or the other.”
Glen Perkins – 1 IP, 3 ER. He’s in no danger of losing the closing job, unless his fantasy owners locate his address.
Trevor Plouffe – 4-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer and his 2nd day in a row with a homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite! I told you to pick him up yesterday, today I tell you you (stutterer!) should’ve listened to me yesterday.
Josmil Pinto – 4-for-5, 2 runs. I’m not at a place where I can recommend him yet in one catcher leagues, below maybe a 16-teamer, but I’d definitely start to look at him. Twins have nothing to lose by starting him; I mean, they lose anyway.
Chris Carter – 1-for-5 with his 27th homer. Didja listen to me and the Hitter-Tron for this batty call? You didn’t? Too bad, so sad.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. Took the loss to move his record to 19-2. I still love you, Scherzer, but I wish you’d write back some time. I feathered my hair extra special for you.
Omar Infante – 2-for-4, 1 run and is batting around .300 in the last week with two homers (which came in one day). He’s not much more than help on average when he’s hitting, but right now he is hitting.
Christian Yelich – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 5th steal, hitting over .450 in the last week. Just give me your password and I’ll pick him up for your team.
Rajai Davis – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. After the game, Rajai, King of SAGNOF, said, “For taking all of the peasants’ potatoes, I give you a tater.”
Moises Sierra – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. He credits his power to wanting to hit the ball as far away as possible when his mom, Moises Alou, would throw toss him yellow-stained balls.
Chris Owings – Called up by the Diamondbacks. For those who have lived through Mike to Giancarlo and Fausto Carmona to Roberto Hernandez, Chris Ownings didn’t used to be Micah Ownings. Chris Ownings will be used as infield depth for now, but he’s worth grabbing in deeper NL-Only leagues and keepers. He had 12 homers, 20 steals and hit .330 in Triple-A, i.e., he’s got more offensive upside for next year than The Notorious D.I.D.I.
Wade Miley – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER. This is the worst I’ve seen a Miley look in about ten days.
Adam Eaton – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. He’s right there with Yelich. I can keep telling you to pick him up, but if you don’t listen, we’re both gonna go mad. Ebebcbxcsgy– See that? That’s me typing with a strait jacket on. You don’t want that.
Miguel Montero – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last 8 games and hitting over .350 in the last week. Hasn’t been a memorable season thus far, but he looks like a hot schmotato.
Matt Moore – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. The good news is he looks back to his old self. The bad news is he walked four guys in five-plus innings.
Desmond Jennings – 1-for-5 and the slam (12) and legs (19). Due to my Chris Carter extended batty call and needing room for pitchers, I never got around to dropping Jennings this past Sunday. Now, he just bought himself another week.
Jon Lester – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, to lower his ERA to 3.88. Yesterday, was a day of sonavabenchings. Between Bailey, Nolasco, Matt Moore, Yovani, Wacha and Lester, at least one of them got you. It’s how you come back from that adversity that shows the true merit of a man, or four ladies. If fantasy baseball cannot be played with honor, integrity and courage from your mother’s basement, where can it be played?
Carlos Gonzalez – Activated from the DL to play the field and pinch run. HAHAHAHAHAHA…What, wait?!? The Rockies are activating CarGo to make a sliding catch or slide into a base to potentially hurt himself more? Oh. Okay. *pause for reaction* No reaction. I got nothing. The Rockies have just won the first Darwin Award for a major league baseball team. It’s gonna be hard for another team to beat them. Angels would have to activate Pujols and his sore heel to play in their charity soccer game and ask him to defend David Beckham.
Josh Rutledge – Hit his 7th homer; this one of the pinch hit variety. Why is he not playing? Why does Walt Weiss hate him? Who is managing the Rockies next year? Can Rutledge bake him cookies now to prime him?
Nick Punto – 4-for-5, 1 run. Ever notice when someone starts a sentence with, “I swear to you,” you never believe a word they say? Any the hoo! I swear to you I was going to pick up Punto for this game.
Ricky Nolasco – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks in Coors. You got bigger coconuts than me if you started him here. So, you win the coconut showdown. Congrats.
Angel Pagan – 3-for-5 and his 8th steal. Has a hit in every game since he’s returned from injury with two steals. He’ll probably sit occasionally, but if you’re dying for runs and some speed, I’d take a look at Dan Brown’s favorite player.
Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Even when he’s pitching well, which he is, I find him duplicitous in nature. Like, if I owned him for this start, there would be an official scorer overruling and his line would suddenly become 7 IP, 9 ER. You duplicitous, YoGa!
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 18th homer. The Dread Pirate and dolls get mentioned in this afternoon’s podcast post. It’s a whopper to end all whoppers!
Justin Morneau – 3-for-3. Really taking to his new home in Pittsburgh like that guy from somewhere who moved to Pittsburgh. I’m sure it’s happened, I just can’t think of anyone that’s voluntarily moved to Pittsburgh.
Jason Grilli – Returns from the DL. Not so fast with your wanting to drop Melancon. Chill, take a Melancon, since that sounds like a mood relaxer. The Pirates don’t know when Grilli will be used in a save situation just yet and he may not be called on to save every single game even if he gets one here and there. Last night, true to their word, Melancon got the save. Arghh is their other word.
Jeff Locke – Will return on Saturday vs. the Cardinals. Here’s an analogy for you. You just had your heart broken, the girl you loved was sleeping with your best friend. So, your other friend tries to help you out by buying you tickets to go see the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. In this scenario, Locke is you.
Mitch Moreland – 2-for-4 and his 22nd homer, five homers in the last eleven games. All he does is hit homers (when he plays)! (If only he played every day) he’d be approaching 30 homers. He’s this week’s Brandon Moss (so grab him, but you’ll need to platoon him).
Martin Perez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. I streamed him here and dropped him before the game was over. It’s that time of the year. Hit it and quit it!
Elvis Andrus – Out of the lineup again due to back discomfort. Fun fact! Elvis’s sisters are a harmony group that play for the military. They go by the name, The Andrus Sisters.
