I hear the only way this Coronavirus goes down any smoother is with the Lyme Disease. Thank you, I will be here all day. Don’t forget to tip your waitresses. *waitress coughs on me, I tumble slowly out an open window* WHAT…THE…WHAT…THE…WHAT…? Sadly, I’ve landed on my feet…and standing in a sea of mouth breathers! AHHHHHHH!!! Well, this sucks (unlike mouth breathers — yo, do you ever breathe, like, in?) and there’s no easy way to say it, but baseball is about to go MIA for a few. Guy in Miami, “Don’t send anyone here!” Not to MIA International Airport, they’re going missing in action. The healthcare professionals say–I’m totally kidding. I’m quoting healthcare professionals? WHO am I. No, I’m not the WHO. WHO is the World Health Organization. But WHO’s on third base? Ugh! This is garbage-awful news, but we must soldier on. Holy crap, Tom Hanks has it! AHHHHHH!!! No! No! No! No freaking out! We must pull up our big-boy pants, wash our hands while singing Happy Birthday twice, and get through this national crisis. I’m Grey and I approve this message. In my highly unprofessional opinion, baseball will return in some capacity by May 1st. In the meantime, I’ll still have posts every weekday, because, honestly, what else are we doing? I write every day during the offseason, nothing’s changed for me. Thinking about doing a series of posts about guys most likely to cough without covering their mouths. Is Matt Albers still in the league? He 100% never covered his mouth. I’ve updated the top 500 for 2020 fantasy baseball with a few small adjustments, which I’ll get to in the post. And, to the Coronavirus, I say, “T. Hanks, but no thanks!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2020 fantasy baseball:
David Dahl – Bud Black, bless his crazy heart, says Dahl is a strong candidate to hit leadoff. Hopefully that means that when the Fantasy Baseball Overlord brings his injuries and general smite-ness for Dahl, he will just miss Dahl, expecting to see him hitting second, third or fourth–Damn, now that I think about it Dahl is insane value if he can stay on the field. Sadly, that ‘if’ is the size of my yawns when Cougs is watching Mrs. Maisel. I get it, it’s schtick! By the way, with MLB players being sent home, I can’t wait to hear how David Dahl got injured opening a jar of pickles. “This pickle sure has some snap to it. Oh…that wasn’t the pickle.”
Brad Boxberger – Being reported that he’s made the Marlins, and, with his closing experience, I’ve added him into the top 500. Still think Brandon Kintzler is the Marlins’ 1st option at closer, but nobody puts bergers in a box! Wait…Nobody puts Brad’s box in a berger? Nobody’s Brad’s in a berger? Meh, you get what I’m saying.
Max Scherzer – His side injury sounds minor, but, and this is a J. Lo at the Super Bowl halftime show-sized but, has everyone forgotten how Max Scherzer couldn’t lift his arms during the playoffs and his wife had to dress him? Scherzer is persona-non-drafta for me.
Johan Camargo – Supposedly in the lead for the Braves’ 3rd base job. This might end up biting me in the the rear keister, as a dachshund might say if a dachshund could talk, but hear me out. The Braves always used Camargo as the utility guy and Austin Riley is more a guy they can make a future with, and they’ve promoted Riley already. Wouldn’t you think they’d go Riley at 3rd?
Michael Conforto – Diagnosed with an oblique strain, which was obviously going to be the news when the news was just oblique rather than oblique. He was lowered into the top 60 outfielders, and docked about 80 ABs, but everyone might need to be docked 80 ABs soon, so *raspberries lips* On one hand, the baseball season being delayed sucks. On the other hand, Oscar Mercado, Giancarlo and Conforto can get healthy. I’m on that 2nd hand right about now saying, “Don’t mind if I do.”
Carlos Carrasco – Indians are saying Carrasco’s inflamed elbow is minor, no biggie, but, ya know, he might miss the beginning of the season whenever that is. Oh…*travels by foot from Oregon to Chile while snacking on trail mix*…kay. I’m sure his elbow inflammation is nothing. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. Yes, eleven I’s. As I said in my top 40 starters blurb on Carrasco, I’m rooting for him, but I would absolutely not draft him.
Chris Sale – Won’t start throwing until pain free. Hey, Sale, good idea. See you in 2022.
Seranthony Dominguez – Experiencing tightness in his elbow, which had a torn UCL. He tried to rehab vs. have surgery and that worked out so well for him. Even the Oscar-winning actor, Seranthony Hopkins Dominguez, can’t fake it. Pitchers who need surgery should have surgery. I’m farting in Sale’s general direction. Dominguez has been removed from the top 500.
Jake Arrieta – Left his start with shoulder stiffness. Damn you, Coronavirus and your many-tentacled microbes! There’s likely not going to be an update on Arrieta for a few, but I wasn’t drafting him anyway, and neither should you.
Max Fried – I don’t talk much about performance in these spring roundups, because performance in the spring doesn’t matter — plus, who knows when we’re playing games?! — but Fried has issued nine walks in just under eight innings, and, well, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried.
Paul Goldschmidt – Suffering from elbow soreness. When did Au Shizz start pitching? So, the Cards are downplaying Au Shizz’s injury, and, honestly, all teams downplay all injuries. I said not to draft Au Shizz in my top 20 1st basemen, so this does pretty much nothing. Filling in for Goldschmidt might be Carpenter (with Edman shifting to 3rd) and/or Rangel Ravelo starring Johnny Depp. Rangel Ravelo generates about zippo worth of interest for me, and that’s not as in “a Zippo is a type of lighter and that produces flames so Grey’s saying Rangel Ravelo is fire.” No, zippo as in zilch. The most interesting thing here is if Edman shifts to 3rd and Tyler O’Neill (or Dylan Carlson) fill-in for Edman in left.
Trey Mancini – Had a malignant tumor removed from his colon. Wow, the shitty news just keeps getting shittier. Pun unintended, but noted. I haven’t removed him from my top 20 1st basemen or top 100 outfielders, but I wouldn’t draft him until we hear next week of his timetable. If I had to guess, I’d assume August at the earliest. I did draft my 2nd share of Ryan Mountcastle the other day, and 1st share of Anthony Santander and third share of Hanser Alberto and now I want to eat crabs and watch The Wire.
Jose Berrios – Will be the Twins’ Opening Day starter. Yes! Yes! Yes! Okay, I’m being sarcastic. Why do fantasy sites even report this shizz? Why do I care who’s pitching on Opening Day? I just sound salty. Do we even know when Opening Day will be? Do we?! *shaking fists at sky*