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The Padres began this year by lifting their brown, monk robe they purchased from Macy’s in the Dan Brown collection and showed their first twig of the prospect tree they have cloaked underneath. Luis Urias started the year with them, looked as good as the propsblock who’s in front of him, Ian Kinsler, which is to say not good, then didn’t play much and was sent down. Was it too soon for him? No, he had a ten-game slump and wasn’t given a opportunity. Now, Luis Urias is killing minor league pitching (14 HRs, 6 SBs, .346/.439/.681 in 223 plate appearances), and the Padres said Urias will be up this week. Hopefully, that means Kinsler is benched or DFA’d, because he’s like when you underestimate a fart and need to change your pants. Urias is a solid all-around bat, think .300 hitter, with some light power and speed. He’s young though, which means he might need some patience, so remain calm. For now, I will call him, Zen Bobrist. I would grab him if you’re struggling at MI to see if he can catch fire and you can master Zen and the Art of MI Maintenance. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Robinson Chirinos – Fun fact! In a stunt marketing campaign, General Mills paid a family to live on a remote island for 28 years and only eat cereal, they called it Robinson Cheerios. As for Chirinos, he’s been close to a top 5 catcher in fantasy on the year, according to the Player Rater.
Garrett Cooper – Was thisclose to making Garrett Cooper the lede buy this week, and, really, you can’t get closer than thisclose, unless you change font size, which only a genius can do, and I can barely spell genius. Only reason why you’re not owning Cooper is because his overall numbers don’t look great, but he’s done almost his entire crushing of pink cookies in the backseat of a jeep in the last two weeks.
Marwin Gonzalez – I’ve owned Marwin for the better part of a month in my RCL league, and have also dropped about 20 points in the standings in that time so Marwin can eat a d*ck! Though, I think Wheeler, Paddack, Corbin and an array of other guys are to blame and not Marwin. Marwin should still eat a d*ck! Maybe a nice orange-glazed d*ck. By the way, my U key keeps coming up as an asterisk for some reason. I need help from the genuis bar.
Brandon Dixon – If you look at our 7-day Player Rater (yes, we have one of those too), Dixon has been a top 100 bat. Just don’t abbreviate his name, Bra-Dix, that’s an NSFW subreddit.
Brandon Lowe – Lil Jon at his fantasy draft, “Get Lowe! To the window, to the wall–” Lil Jon’s cousin, Medium-sized Bill, who likes to mansplain, “It’s actually pronounced ‘Lau.'”
Scott Kingery – I gave you my Scott Kingery fantasy about three days before you should’ve started owning him, which was two weeks ago. If you’re just picking him up now, let me ask you something, “When a doctor hits your knee to check your reflexes, do you kick randomly three weeks later?”
Brian Anderson – Even though Anderson’s owned in 25% more leagues than Cooper, I like Cooper better, which is not saying I don’t like Anderson. I know, it’ll make you feel like a real man to grab the guy I like more, but it’ll make you even manlier to grab both guys I like. Sorta like when you apply that new lotion you bought, Stench Press. “This lotion is so much better than that lotion my wife bought me, Masculinité sans Toxicité.”
Willy Adames – Random Name Drop Alert! My grandfather grew up with Don Adams and they used to play cards together once a week, before Don went out to Hollywood and landed the role in Get Smart. With that said, Willy is not related (as far as I know).
Kevin Newman – Cole Tucker went for $326 FAAB in one of my leagues. I bid $326 and lost him to a team just below me in the standings. At the time, I thought I couldn’t be any unluckier. It turns out that it’s not only better to be lucky than good, but sometimes you can’t even appreciate one’s luck at the time. Damn, I’m out here just sprinkling wisdom into the air for free (minus the fifteen minutes it takes you to click around the banner ads. Terrible segue! You could buy ad-free subscription. It’s good for the season. It’s the cost of one cup of coffee — if the coffee place is in LA. Seriously, I paid $8 for a coffee the other day. I’m about to move to Ohio. Why does it feel like I went from talking about Newman to writing a diary entry? Dear Diary, narrating my life to an inanimate object has its charms.)
Yordan Alvarez – Told you to buy Yordan about two weeks ago, then followed that up with my Yordan Alvarez fantasy. I am a giving tree!
Bryan Reynolds – Just gave you my Bryan Reynolds fantasy. It was written without a lot of the ishkabibble.
Jorge Soler – I’m gonna lump Avisail Garcia into this blurb, because they are one in the same, in that they are not just buys, but they are top 30 outfielders on the year, according to the Player Rater. In fairness to reality, they are both owned in 100% of RCL leagues while being owned in less than 50% of ESPN leagues. The best and the brightest over there!
Ramon Laureano – I can’t see the name Ramon without seeing Nomar. Which reminds me, if you played the last 10 years of my life backwards, it would look like an impressive weight loss story.
JaCoby Jones – Not to be a birther, but 100% the capped C in his first name is a typo on his birth certificate. One hundred percent. No one can tell me different.
Lance Lynn – And Framber Valdez. Double dipping both of these guys, because they’re not straight Streamonator calls at this point. They are own until further notice. Or OUFN, of course.
Tanner Roark – Now this is a Streamonator call. Like the one it makes to Target to see if it can be put on the phone with any appliances that also look sad.
Mike Fiers – This is another Streamonator call. “Put me on with anything then, except a smart remote, they always make me feel foolish.”
Daniel Hudson – Could’ve also listed Joe Biagini, and, you’re never gonna believe this, I think I just did. Pretty sneaky, sis!
Ian Kennedy – As you can imagine, I’m not listing the best closers here; I am simply giving some guys who are barely owned. Well, some guys who are barely owned and might get saves.
Roenis Elias – There’s better closers in baseball, in the traditional sense. Though, Roenis might be the best closer in a one-run game when in the opponent’s home park, because you don’t even have to finish the 9th inning. One, maybe two outs then Elias gives away the game. Wow, this is an extremely positive take on Elias! Any hoo! Elias appears to be the M’s closer for now with Strickland experiencing a setback.
SELL
Charlie Morton – One quick side note, in the video at the top of the page, Anime Grey suggests you sell Chris Paddack. I don’t disagree with that little cartoony looney (avoiding trademark infringerments), but I need to record the cartoon voice a week ahead, so I recorded that stuff last week. It’s still true on selling, but his value is now at an all-time low, so it’s likely not the best time. Okay, back to our regular scheduled program! I don’t dislike Charlie Morton. However, Morton hasn’t thrown more than 172 IP ever, and not more than 170 IP since 2011. Last year, he broke down towards the end of the year and had a 4+ ERA in July and August. If you can sell Morton, now is the time. Am I selling him for the new audiobook, Gilbert Gottfried’s Guided Meditation? No, but I would look at our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
