There’s plenty more “exciting” names to talk about in this opening than Josh H. Smith. There’s plenty more exciting names to talk about without the scare quotes. Sometimes, we have to be mature adults when we’re playing fantasy baseball and eat our vegetables (vegetables we don’t enjoy, such as Brussels sprouts, and not good vegetables like potatoes). Josh H. Smith is a vegetable. A hearty piece of roughage that gives you runs. A sturdy legume that sticks to your ribbies. A leafy green that gives you energy for speed. Another leafy green that gives you power. Josh H. Smith is so boring he sounds like a Mormon. One love to the Mormons, but no one ever said, “You go to that rave last night at the Mormon Tabernacle Choir headquarters? They were giving out herbal ecstasy and magical underpants.” Josh H. Smith is a vegetable Mormon. Call him Jicama Smith. Jicama Smith has all the qualities you need for a healthy, balanced diet with magical underpants. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! This post was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:
BUY
Bo Naylor – Bo knows top catchers, so Bo doesn’t know thy self. Bo knows a Contreras and a Cal and maybe a Goodman. If Bo knows currently-hotter-than-they’ve-been catchers, then he’d know himself.
Ryan O’Hearn – The reality of the shituation is O’Hearn is very similar to Pavin Smith. You’re not gonna love rostering him all year, but he’s likely more valuable than most guys you get off waivers, while being very boring. By the by, remember when I said this for Pavin Smith, then he homered, and someone in the comments was like, “You’re dumb, Pavin is great, not boring,” and, yeah, that person disappeared because Pavin is very boring.
Carlos Santana – This is to pick up the singer, not the hitter–[finger to ear bud]–Haha, okay, like your hat, I have that backwards.
Romy Gonzalez – Looks like he’s getting some of those Casas Sweet Casas at-bats. Sorry, was just listening to Motley Crew’s Spanglish album, Teatro de Dolor. Could also be Abraham “The Bull” Toro.
David Hamilton – Maybe at-bats open for Hamilton too. He’s not gonna waste his shot! Plus, he has crazy speed.
Colt Keith – He’s done nothing but hit homers. That’s a bad thing now? We are against the almighty dong? Is this because of woke?
Hyeseong Kim – Dodgers seem unconvinced that Kim can succeed in the majors, maybe we should heed their warnings. Or at least consider him just a steals threat.
Luis Urias – He’s been about as hot as any player in the game, just don’t look at Urias’s Hard Hit%. Don’t look at his stats, actually. Have the person you met on OnlyFans blindfold you, then pick him up.
Jordan Lawlar – Don’t think the DBags are ever calling him up, but I like to see y’all get crazy for prospects. Get crazy for me, it brightens my day. What, you don’t want to see me happy?
Luisangel Acuña – Ya know what would be crazy? If Luisangel and Ronald were both juniors. Talk about a mind f*ck. For them, not me. My mind’s been f*cked, shizz ain’t getting more f*cked. This is officially the most times I’ve f*cked in one post. Apologies, I am a hoe. So, Luisangel has been stealing bases and that’s about it.
Jackson Holliday – Nearly made this JH the lede over the JH who I did, but my thinking was, A) Holliday is actually rostered in way more leagues, and might even be over 50% rostered threshold, so illegible for this post, technically, and I don’t want to get arrested. B) Smith has been way more valuable than Holliday, while being rostered in less leagues. C) There’s no C.
Geraldo Perdomo – Saw an article about him where he said, “Bet on me,” and I love that. Unless he was talking to Tucupita Marcano, specifically.
Javier Baez – Comatose Fantasy Baseballer groggily wakes, “I see Javier Baez in your Buy column, by any chance did I fall into a coma and wake in 2016?” CFB, you’re gonna find this hard to believe, but you were only in a coma for a week and a half.
Coby Mayo – Gave you my Coby Mayo fantasy. It was written while parasailing.
Trey Sweeney – Fun fact! If he says his first name in Jamaica, they put stuff on his head to carry.
Daniel Schneemann – Anyone who picks up and plays Schneemann earns the Dedicated Hot Schmotato Warrior pin for their vest.
Kyle Stowers – He’s around top 30 overall on the Player Rater. Not on the 7-day Player Rater. On the season-long Player Rater, and when I wrote this, he was as valuable as Tarik Skubal. One note about that, though. If you had two good weeks out of the first four, you’re gonna be ranked high on the Player Rater, so it’s something, but not everything.
Jake Meyers – “Ever notice how there’s no Meyers, but there’s a Breyer’s and Dreyer’s?” Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department walking through the freezer section.
Dane Myers – “Or a Myers.” Meyers and Myers (sic) have been been crazy hot, and Myers has speed, and Meyers has, uh, an E. Not to shortchange, Myers either. We like speed. All types. Well, except when Michael J. Fox took speed to pass a test on Family Ties, then crashed hard.
Andy Pages – This is one of those weird ones where Pages is in a great lineup, was great in the minors, and no one seems to think much of him. If only Jasson Dominguez was doing what Pages is doing, he wouldn’t be benched for Trent Grisham.
Tyrone Taylor – As someone who’s rostered Taylor in one league for two years (NL-Only, don’t ask), he does have these two-week stretches where he’s valuable.
Edward Cabrera – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to the laundromat.
Sandy Alcantara – Frankly, I think there’s a bigger thing going on with him and why he’s been so bad that a matchup can’t fix, but he’s vs. the White Sux and this is a Streamonator call. “It says you’re coin-operated machinery. My mother was coin-operated too. Wonder if you know her, Clean-Robot-er-4000.”
Kevin Ginkel – Is it Ginkel/Einhorn/Einhorn/Ginkel’s job yet in Arizona? MTV’s The Challenge Torey Lovullo seems to want it to be his job. There will be a a lot of saves here if you get the right guy who is getting the saves. Shelby Miller seemed to be that guy, but I have very little faith in him, almost as little as Lovullo, apparently.
Chad Green – This could be Yimi Garcia, or it could just continue to be Jeff Hoffman, but injuries often hassle the Hoff and he’s been so ineffective, that I wonder if he’s not already hurt.
Pierce Johnson – Weird, when I googled this guy, I found some interesting pictures and something about Prince Albert. Raisel is the Braves closer, but he’s been awful, and no one behind him is very good. This is more of an NL-Only stash on the outside chance there’s something going on with Raisel.
Zach Agnos – Standing on the top deck of Coors Field, dressed in corduroys and a Wilco concert tee, telling people how the Bible was written by man, cheering on Agnos, because we’re his cheering section, The Agnostics.
Justin Sterner – A’s took a petri dish of Chris Sale’s slider, injected it into Sterner’s right arm and said, “You know what you have to do,” and he asked, “Weren’t you supposed to take off the bacteria you grew on the glass dish and insert that into my arm, and not the entire glass,” and the scientist said, “Uh…” But so far the results have worked tremendously!
SELL
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – On the podcast about two weeks ago, BDon and I had a realization in real time, as most realizations happen, don’t be pedantic. We realized that Teoscar and Vlad aka Cake Batter are basically the same thing. Teoscar has more power, Cake has more average, Teoscar has more ribbies, Cake has more, uh, average? Cake was drafted at 13th overall on average; Teoscar at 53 overall. Should we have drafted Teoscar instead? Well, yeah, dur! But that’s not coming back. Teoscar’s gonna miss two weeks with injury, return and still be more valuable than Vlad for the year. Any hoo! This is about what you can do with Cake since you already have him. Is it possible to get top 20 value for him still? Top 30? I think so, but I don’t know. His name does seem to conjure better fantasy value in one’s mind than reality. A true fantasy fantasy player. (Not a compliment.) I wouldn’t trade Vlad for a walk-on part on Teenjus, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
