Yeah, Justin Upton will hit six homers all year and .170. Yup, Jason Hammel will have an ERA under one. You betcha, Gregory Polanco will bat after the pitcher by September. Okay, on that last one, I don’t want to jinx anything, so let’s just say I’m being sarcastic and I don’t need no Polanco batting low in the order. Double negatives be damned! Finally, Jose Abreu is a Cuban sandwich short of pickles, which makes him a ham sandwich, which is a trailer park doorstop. He’s nothing. Done. It was a good ride we had with Abreu, but the last three weeks trumps all the seasons that came before it. And the new president of that sentence is trumps. Abreu, sir, if I may sit you down for a second. Please retire, your career is over. You had a good ride. Let baseball go. Look at Bobby Abreu, for example. He had grandkids and started wearing a dress and now goes by Bubbie Abreu. Take his lead. Your time is gone. Sure, you have an insanely low BABIP. You’re actually walking more this year than last. Your homers per fly balls is absurdly low. Your ground balls are actually lower this year, like subterranean. You’re striking out about the same amount. Alas, it’s over! Hang up your cleats! Not on that hook, that’s for my Par Djoos jersey for when I want to start a Sega video game fight. Or I guess you could just turn around your season; I mean, there are five months left. Yes, you should buy low on Abreu (and Upton). The season is barely nascent. Fun fact! N/A-scent is when you think someone farted, but they actually have a dead raccoon in their jacket. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Ketel Marte – Is hitting and has taken over the leadoff spot, or to put that into Russian terms, “Ketel One is good, but I could take old potatoes, put them in my sock and let them ferment for vodka.”
Zack Cozart – Salieri looks at his MI spot, then picks up the 1750s-era phone, which is a pigeon, and writes in tar on its back, “I should pick you up, Cozart, but you will never see the light of day on my team.” Salieri then throws the pigeon towards the window, forgetting it’s shut. “Consarnit!”
Danny Santana – This is the greatest time to be alive as a fantasy baseballer looking for an okay-not-great MI that is leading off than any time I can remember. Though, due to an accident, I can’t remember back further than a week. Who won American Idol? Was it Kelly Clarkson?
Jed Lowrie – He’s hitting, but batting 2nd. What a loser!
Yunel Escobar – Okay, I don’t really like Yunel, but he is hitting and the Hitter-Tron has eyes for him, like it has eyes for your electrical outlets. “I like to stick my finger in until I feel the tingles.” That’s Hitter-Tron.
Chris Owings – He’s not leading off, but he could be (if Clint Hurdle were managing the Diamondbacks; speaking of which, how about that Jordy Mercer? Oy. Bring back Jung Ho Kang! Did we ever get a ruling on if all Korean Ho’s are short-lettered, tall-lettered or hyphenated? Also, someone help me get out of this parenthetical. It was not my intention to stay in here all day.).
Yan Gomes – I almost went with Yasmani Grandal here, but “Yasmani can cook! And so can you!” made no sense.
Brandon Drury – Just think, if you pick up Ketel and Drury, you can change your team name to “Hiccup,” and only you and I will get the joke.
Odubel Herrera – How are there so many leadoff men available in so many leagues? Okay, I need to get fo’realsies with you for a second. Leadoff men get counting stats by doing nothing. That is good. If they’re also doing something, as Herrera is, then even better. Plus, he has speed, run the Odubel, Coach Saban!
Jarrod Dyson – SAGNOF! If you need steals, and Dyson is on your waivers and you don’t pick him up, you should be playing Dorf in the new Hollywood remake.
Adam Duvall – I like Duvall. Solid, supporting player. Not flashy. Comes in, gives you excellent line readings and adds gravity. Oh, and Adam Duvall is good too,
Jose Berrios – I just gave you my Jose Berrios fantasy. It was written on the backside of your Moms!
Sean Manaea – I just gave you my Sean Manaea fantasy. It was written on an empty stomach. Your Moms’s!
Tanner Roark – I went over him this morning. “I’ll take you there!” That’s your mouse.
Rich Hill – I was sorta on the fence in the preseason with how long Hill would stay healthy, but, then a funny thing happened that wasn’t at all funny, I realized it doesn’t matter if he stays healthy, he’s good now.
Ross Stripling – This is a straight Stream-o-Nator call, like when it calls the operator just to hear a human voice. Aw, sad!
Kevin Gausman – Damn, Cousin Sweatpants, I gave you my Kevin Gausman fantasy already too. That shizz was written all up in your grill! Seriously, I was inside your Weber.
Alex Colome – Um, he’s the closer. Y’all know that, right? I mean, he could be owned in more than 25% of leagues by now, right? These are rhetoricals, I think. That confuses me. I need a nap. *claps hands* I’m back!
Tony Cingrani – I don’t know who’s the closer in Cincy, but if you’re dumpster diving for SAGNOF, Cingrani might have a discarded scratch-off ticket that’s good for five saves. Or that Caleb character.
Joe Smith – Street is injured, which is the most shocking news since Shia LaBeouf died of a drug overdose. Wait, that hasn’t happened yet? Macaulay Culkin? Either Olsen Twin?
SELL
Felix Hernandez – This is a silly Sell. It makes no sense. I’ll tell you why. I told everyone not to draft him in the preseason, because of some ridiculously bad warning signs. So, now, I’m telling people who did draft him, and didn’t listen to me, to listen to me now. Yeah, that’s not happening. Or I’m telling people who didn’t draft him to sell him, which is absurd. So, since neither Sells make any sense. Let’s talk about The Americans! Wow, best show on TV. Seriously, how does this not get Game of Thrones or Better Call Saul love? The Americans, pound for pound, is like a 400-pound piece of banana cream pie. Or banana creme pie. Depending on your geographic location. Any hoo! To no one that will care, Felix’s velocity is down to 89 MPH — that is a red flag like the one I ask Cougs to don when I want Friskytown like we’re in Soviet Russia. His walk rate is up over 5+! That’s a red flag like the one I drape over myself when I watch The Americans and enjoy seeing Felicity go karate hee-ya! in Friskytown. His xFIP is barf. Like the barf I barf out when I look at his stats. I wouldn’t trade F-Her for a Corky Romano Blu-ray, but I would explore options.
