In 1972, a young Polish man by the name of Stanley “Stash” Petrosky burst on the scene with the Pirates organization and stole 87 bases while pinch-running for the Single-A Long John Silvers. No matter how many times corrected, he continually held the bat backwards and never got past Single-A, but his speed was a delight to watch. Since then, Poles have been considered some of the sneakiest fast players in the game. Some social scientists have contended that this is due to the Polish ancestors standing in line for bread. Never wanting to be standing in line ever again, they instead run and steal. Some historians say the Poles have skis on their end of their names because thousands of years ago they would tie flat boards to their ankles rather than walking and they built up a taste for speed. Others say this is ethnic profiling and it should be stopped. Either way, one guy who can’t be stopped is Travis Jankowski. Janky, as he’s not known anywhere, has 25 steals in 184 ABs. Since 2000, Jankowski has the most steals in the fewest plate appearances besides Tony Campana (there’s a throwback name). The King of SAGNOF, Rajai Davis, Jarrod Dyson, Emilio Bonifacio, Dee Gordon and Jordan Schafer are a few of the guys that have been close in the last 16 years, but what Jankowski is doing is historic SAGNOF. Or as it’s known in some cultures SAGNOFski. Oh, and Jankowski is also hitting north of .450 in the last week. Grab him! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Gary Sanchez – There’s only one Sanchez that needed to take Spanish 1 four times and his first name is Gary! Surprised I need to keep telling people to pick up a Yankee. What, is the Yankees’ ESPN glossy finish dulling?
Yasmani Grandal – He’s owned in 44% of ESPN leagues. He’s the 6th best catcher on our Player Rater. You can’t make this stuff up. Well, you can, but it’s pretty easy to factcheck. Oh, and don’t factcheck me. Who are you, a Bernie Sanders supporter? No one likes factcheckers. Just go with it. It’s democracy and I’m your ruler.
Justin Morneau – If you corner infidel spot is Falling to Pieces, then have faith, Morneau!
Brandon Moss – I get the sense that no matter how many times I say to pick up Moss, you never will, so this is it. You must learn, KRS.
Devon Travis – I considered making Travis my lede, because he’s probably the top pick this week. Jankowski is crazy hot, but he’s primarily a steals-play. Travis is an every league play. I didn’t make Travis my lede though because I think I’ve made him a Buy lede already once this year, and I don’t like to double up. This is my inner monologue, by the way. Pretty interesting, huh?
Yulieski Gurriel – I already gave you my Yulieski Gurriel fantasy. At that time, he spelled his name differently. Or baggage, coming through Cuba, messed it up. I’m less excited about Gurriel than some others. For unstints, Prospector Ralph has jazz hands about him. You can hear more at the Prospect Podcast.
Aaron Judge – We’re already link heavy in this post, but I gave you an Aaron Judge fantasy already too. Once A-Rod hangs them up today, and rides off into the sunset as only a centaur can, Judge should be up. By the way, if you don’t get the centaur references, it’s worth Googling. A-Rod has a painting of himself as a centaur above his bed. Not joking.
Andrew Benintendi – The Gary Sanchez non-pick up I understand a little. He only has utility eligibility in ESPN leagues. The Benintendi non-pick up has me baffled like I’m watching Mr. Robot. By the by, one of the best shows of the year, and that’s while only understanding 40% of each episode. Holy shizzballs, I just realized I’m turning into my mom when she asks me to explain the plot of a 30 Rock episode. I’m getting old!
Ender Inciarte – And you said you’d never Ender up with him! Pun point!
Aaron Altherr – Don’t be scurred over therr grab Altherr. Damn, I’d love to hear Sofia Vergara rolling dem R’s
Joe Musgrove – I hate his upcoming matchups, but he could easily be one of the best callups, pitching-wise, for the rest of the year.
Jim Johnson – I’m so crazy for Johnson. Um, that sounded wrong…in your head, you sicko! I’d grab Johnson. Okay, sounded wrong too, but only to you, you perv! Arodys Vizcaino could be returning soon, so I’d stash him too.
Tyler Thornburg – Don’t hold it against him that his last name sounds like the character O.J. played in The Naked Gun. “It’s good to have you back, Thornburg.”
Jake Barrett – You know how when you go to a bar to pick up a girl it never works when you’re desperate? Well, how you look in that scenario is how your team looks when you own Barrett.
Fernando Salas – Don’t you want to call him Fernanso Salad? Sernando Falas? Salnando Falad? *smoke rises from ears* I think I’m short circuiting. Johnny Five must shut down. *claps metal hands* I’m back, Grey, to type ewe up a post. It’s ‘you,’ you moron! Now, shut up and type, Autopost Typing Machine! Sorry, still working on the kinks on this. Salas could split time with JC Ramirez, who was not in NSync.
Adam Ottavino – Here’s what I said the other day, “(Ottavino was) named the new Rockies’ closer. We lost Carlos Estevez to Human Ineffectivedeficiency Virus. He was a closer considered to be one of the Young Guns of baseball but is now Two and Half Men back in the bullpen and falling fast into a 6th inning Platoon after hitting a Wall Street and is no longer a Hot Shot, but more like a Major League Loaded Weapon who should stay in the bullpen with a sign that reads, “Men at Work.” Mean’s while, his replacement is scoreless this year, could be the closer the rest of the year and sounds like an otter sommelier. I’d grab Ottavino in every league.” And that’s me quoting me!
Fernando Rodney – And I turned twenty-one in prison doing life without parole is what it felt like chasing saves. No one could steer me right but Rodney tried, Rodney tried! Rodney tried to raise my saves total, but his pleading was denied! That leaves only me to blame ’cause Rodney tried! Rodney tried!
Luke Weaver – I legit wasn’t sure if we’d ever get through all of those closer pickups. Let’s celebrate with a handshake and an awkward manhug. I was kidding! Stop touching me! Weaver’s intriguing because he doesn’t walk a lot of guys. I gotta be honest though, I’m real hesitant about using rookie pitchers this time of year. My straits are dire and I have a Rich Hill-like blister on my little finger.
Adam Conley – This is a straight Stream-o-Nator call like the call it makes to Time Warner to just chat. “Is your internet down?” Stream-o-Nator wraps its metal finger around the phone cord and, “Can you just talk to me?” Ugh! Stream-o-Nator is so sad!
Hanley Ramirez – As I mentioned this week, with many trade deadlines passed, the Sell is more of a Drop. With that said, I’d obviously sell Hanley if I could still, but, if you can’t, it’s time, y’all. It’s time to start cleaning out your closet of vets that were once great. No idea how Hanley is only 32, but he looks he’s catching Methuselah’s eye while reaching for the same bottle of Metamucil. He has 14 homers on the year, you know, the same as Didi. And Hanley only has 11 HRs if you remove one 3-HR game. If you remove games after May 10th and the 3-HR game, he has seven homers on the year. Sure, I should be at Knott’s Berry Farms with this cherrypicking, but I bet in a lot of mixed leagues, you can do better off waivers.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Speaking of 32-year-olds that look like they’re in the Dateline-on-Friday-nights’ demographic, Ellsbury has been such empty stats this year. He’s on pace for 70/6/50/.266/25. Or two more homers and eight more steals the rest of the way. Lowercase yay! That’s about the same as Billy Hamilton’s last four days. On our 30 day Player Rater, Ellsbury has been as valuable as Alcides and Jake Smolinski. Nice! I mean, he’s no Adam Rosales, but sweet sugar, there. Maybe Ellsbury’s old man legs will feel fresher in September, and maybe Cougs will come home and say, “Jessica Alba was at the Whole Foods and wants to do a threesome, any interest? Oh, and I didn’t waste an extra seven dollars on seaweed that I’ll never eat.” Yeah, likely.