If You’re Getting FAAB Food, Might As Well Buy A Burger

“So, this is one of those restaurants where I buy an empty plate for $18 and I tell you what I want on it, and I can choose anything from this list? Sweet! Okay, first I want a corner man. Then I want ribbies. Better put some pickles on it. I do like ranch, ya know what, scratch that, I’ll try some of that Texas Rangers’ BBQ sauce. Then put sure-handed at 1st with some pick ’ems in the dirt, and can play 3rd, but put the defense on the side, because I don’t think I need it for my league–I mean, lunch. Now load it up with stats that’ll help him ‘ketchup’ after he missed time. Did you ‘ketchup’ on what I did there? You’re ‘caughtch-up?’ Hmm…Any hoo! Also I want buns the size of Cal Raleigh’s and homers to match!” [off blank stare of cashier] “I’m buying a Jake Burger.” I can’t figure out how much longer they can start Joc Pederson, but if Burger’s returned hot, or even medium-well, he has to start and maybe even in the middle of the lineup, since the Rangers are lacking that middle-of-the-order thump. Right now, they’re trying people out. Josh H. Smith was last week, this week it’s Josh Jung, maybe next week it’ll be Jake Burger. Ooh, I just remembered! That Jake Burger’s gonna give me some runs too! Sweet! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! This post was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:

BUY

Moises Ballesteros – Here’s what I said the other day, “With Ian Happ hitting the IL, Moises was called up by the Cubs. A Cubs’ Moises that doesn’t urinate on his hands? They said it wasn’t possible. Itch ranked Moises in the top 50 prospects, and he has catcher eligibility and *and* he’ll be DH’ing with Seiya going to the OF. In Triple-A, Moises went 4/3/.368 in 34 games this year; 19 homers and .289 last year, and he’s only 21 years old. Yeah, that’s special. Here’s what Itch said, “A left-handed hitter listed at 5’7” 215 lbs, Ballesteros finds the barrel throughout the zone with apparent ease and laces line drives the other way like he was born to do it. His bat has outpaced his defensive development, and the plus plate skills he’s always shown against much older competitors, and Grey will meet my wrath.” What? So, I truly fear recommending a catcher pickup, but he’s one in all leagues.” And that’s me quoting Itch and quoting me!

Ivan Herrera – Fun fact! An iVan was a limited edition van made by Apple that was phone-shaped. Sadly, cops kept pulling it over because you’re not supposed to be on it while driving.

Drake Baldwin – The dreaded third catcher Buy, and, no, Drake isn’t Jamaican. Well, not this one.

Carlos Narvaez – A fourth catcher Buy! For the first time ever! (Maybe, I don’t know.) It’s Never Nervaes Narvaez, who’s been crazy hot.

Dalton Rushing – A fifth catcher?! In this economy?! What?! AHHH!!! Also, just gave you my Dalton Rushing fantasy.

Tim Elko – Just gave you my Tim Elko fantasy. It was written while watching the waves on a screensaver.

Gavin Sheets – Was a pretty weak, uh, week for 1st basemen who were hot. At least as hot as Sheets after you chugged a bottle of hot sauce.

Daniel Schneemann – Going for Schneemann is lots of hard contact with homers and has speed in his profile. Going against him is no one by the name Daniel Schneemann will ever be good at sports. Go by Danny and change your last name.

Hyeseong Kim – Hitting over-.400, has speed and platooning out of the nine-hole, because Dave Roberts has to play Chris Taylor and Enrique Hernandez for no reason.

Brett Baty – He’s got power, but his Launch Angle is a mess, and his hard contact is tissue-soft. Just hideous contact across the board. Wait, this is supposed to be positive. Um, he hit a couple homers since his recall. He was once highly touted, so I’m not dismissing him and instead saying, grab him and see if he can stay hot.

Ernie Clement – A rare insight into how I’m doing these Buys. Rare because there’s people on other sites reading this and stealing my content. One person I know for a fact doing this is a guy by the name of Chad G. Peetee. I’m onto you Chad! So, how I find a lot of these names is go to the 7-day Player Rater, search each position, cross reference that with guys under 50% rostered (at CBS, or near it, at least) who are also more valuable than $12 for the last week. Then I throw in some call-ups, some interesting names who might get more playing time, and it’s a wrap. So of those factors, Clement was valuable and under-rostered. A call-up? Nope! Is he interesting? Not really! Just hot.

Javier Baez – His peripherals are so bizzonkers. I said this a few weeks ago, but he’s somehow become Adam Frazier. From All-Star to Nick Madrigal, just totally bizarre. I will say though, that his increased contact might instill confidence and help him get back into his power reserves.

Jordan Lawlar – Just gave you my Jordan Lawlar fantasy. It was written while calling you when you were lonely.

Trey Sweeney – This is likely a hot bat, and nothing more, but he did go 15/20/.267 in the minors last year. He’s also making way better contact in the majors this year. For full disclosure, I grabbed Sweeney last week in a bunch of leagues, so I might be trying to create something out of nothing.

Addison Barger – Not sure if you’ve seen this guy, but let’s just say, ya know that handshake meme? The two giant, muscle-bound arms locked into a stalemate in an arm wrestling match? That’s Yandy Diaz and Addison Barger.

Brooks Lee – They call him Brooks Lee! By the by, this feels like a Mandela Effect thing where I’m remembering a movie called They Call Him Bruce Lee, but there’s no Lee or Him in the title, and it’s a movie called They Call Me Bruce, that I remember loving and can’t tell you anything else about. Fascinating, I know.

Yoan Moncada – Considered Jo Adell and Moncada, and nearly left both off but I decided I would include both here with the caveat that I nearly left them both off. Gives you context; that’s helpful.

Angel Martinez – The Z100 deejay spinning all the best hits with some speed and a major beef with Wendy Williams.

Trevor Larnach – I can’t prorate any of Larnach’s stats because if I even just mention prorating–[Mr. Prorater crashes through wall] C’mon, man! I just had that wall fixed! “Sorry. Larnach is on pace for 25 homers and .255, I’ll leave through the door.”

Evan Carter – We discuss Evan Carter on this week’s podcast. Where I reveal I am a Carter hater — a Harter? — and my plan to get nominated for a Golden Globe’s Best Podcast.

Daulton Varsho – He’s nearly tied with Gunnar Henderson in homers in, like, five less weeks.

Landen Roupp – This is a Streamonator call like the call it makes to City Hall.

Clayton Kershaw – Willing to give Kershaw a chance if he’s as free as picking him up off waivers, but this is also a Streamonator call. “I know the Mayor used AI for his speech. I’m not accusing him, I’m volunteering for next time.”

Shelby Miller – It’s pretty comical watching a manger try to make one reliever into their closer while another reliever is just being excellent. I think it’s called showing your whole ass. That’s what’s currently going on in Arizona with Ginkel vs. Shelby.

Yimi Garcia – Gimi saves! Haha, that is so funny. Time for a nap. *shuts eyes, five seconds later, claps hands* I’m back!

Porter Hodge – By accident, I googled Porter Hog and I didn’t know there was a porn star with…well, is that a carry-on or does he have to check it? Pressly was-slash-is awful and Hodge is slightly better.

Jordan Romano – When a waiter comes by your table to add parmesan to your pasta, do you also say, “Wow, are you a pitcher? Because you’re throwing cheese?” Or are you normal? Jose Alvarado is still likely the Phils’ closer, but Romano has been getting some saves, and better recently.

Daysbel Hernandez – Daysbel sounds like an alien renaming an alarm clock. “Nanu-nanu, I’m up from my slumber now. Thank you, Daysbel.” Raisel and shine! Igelsias is still likely the closer, but he’s been miserable for a while now. Pierce Johnson is also there. The pitcher, not the Prince Albert piercing.

Shawn Armstrong – With Luke Jackson dealing with a sore arm and not being good to begin with, Jacob Webb might get some saves. Now that’s how you spin it. Shawn Armstrong might get some saves, he’s Throw-Armstrong. Robert Garcia is there and guess what? Could get saves. If I had to guess, it’s Armstrong, Garcia, Webb, until Jackson is healthy enough to get saves.

Kyle Leahy – His ERA is beautiful. His strikeouts are meh. His ERA in past seasons is more meh. So. Dot dot dot. I don’t know, but I promised you a middle reliever each week and I’ll be damned if I am not a man of his word. Roughly 1492 words into this week’s buy. A great year, remembered for when Christoper Columbus told Queen Isabella, “I’m going to India!” as he pointed towards The Bahamas.

SELL

Spencer Torkelson – Sells are always so hard because they’re contingent on what you can get for a guy. Dylan Moore, Tyler Mahle, Geraldo Perdomo are some guys who come to mind that are over-performing, but you’re not getting anything for those guys. Can you get a terrible closer like, say, Bednar, for Mahle? Then, sure, go for it. I try to give you guys who you can get something for and who are over-performing, but with that said can you get something for Torkelson? I don’t know. What I do know (segue!) is he’s hitting everything in the air as he always does, which could lead to some homers, but his average is going to continue to dip and, when you get to September with a 27/.220 hitter, are you gonna be glad you held onto that? I wouldn’t sell Spencer Torkelson for a plus-one to a Diddy freak-off, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.