Eduardo Sawxerhands

One rookie’s story comes to life… From the director of The Nightmare Before Christmas and Big Fish.  The vets on the pitching staff have outcast him for not meeting their quality standards.  Theatergoer leaving the theater, impressed, “Tim Bahton shades the whole fahkin movie in blues and grey.  You can’t see fahkin sh*t.”  Eduardo Sawxerhands is a gentle man with an uncommon fastball.  “I’m fahkin tellin’ yah I couldn’t see anything.  Fahk nuts, this Burton character.”  Watch as Eduardo Sawxerhands throws the ball past unsuspecting hitters and ignites a fan base that talked about Jackie Bradley Jr. like he was Honus Wagner.  So, obviously Eduardo Rodriguez‘s start was terrific — 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I thought it might be when I suggested you stream him.  I also think he can continue to be terrific.  I would be shocked if he was sent back down, and if sent back down, he’s not staying there long.  The Red Sox can remove any of their other starters for him.  What makes him extra special, he possesses solid control.  Lumps come for rookies, but good control should ease them.  I’d grab him in any league where you’re struggling for upside.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David Ortiz – Being held out of the lineup for a few days to work on his swing.  Unless there’s also a DeLorean, Ponce De Leon and a genie, I don’t see how it helps.

Daniel Nava – Hit the 15-day DL with a sprained left thumb.  Ah, the ol’ Atari injury.  Wrap it in Bouncey Goo, and get back out there!

Xander Bogaerts – Left yesterday’s game after being hit by a pitch on his forearm.  He has a contusion and should be fine.  Well, relatively.  He hasn’t really been fine all year.

Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer.  He’s been slumping for a few weeks, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was playing hurt.  Okay, he was prolly just playing uninterested, but maybe he’s now coming out of his May-laise.

Mookie Betts – 3-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .250.  On our Player Rater, he was the 31st ranked outfielder going into yesterday’s game, sitting between Alex Guerrero and Matt Holliday.  For non-outfielders, he was sandwiched between Ryan Howard and Edinson Volquez, and ranked 108th overall.  No judgements, Cust kayin’.

Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4, 1 RBI.  Told the media that he’s battling a cold, but he insisted on playing.  Wow, what a great guy!  Smoked crack, accepted a $200 million contract and played like crap, rode the train on Ian Kinsler’s sister while Ron Washington distracted Ian with chocolate matzoh, but it’s all forgiven, you giant effin’ mensch, because you’re playing while you have the sniffles!  You are a bigger person than the largest picture depicting Genghis Khan.  May I drape the Shroud of Turin over you while you nap?

Nick Martinez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.03.  I wonder if the Regression Fairies meant to visit Nick Martinez and instead went to high school pitcher Rick Martinez of Gardenia.  Poor Rick.

Chris Beck – 6 IP, 4 ER, 14 baserunners, 3 Ks, and Beck was the loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me?

Chris Sale – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA down to 3.66.  This game came against the Orioles, but it looked like he was pitching against the White Sox too…in both games of the doubleheader.  Glad I didn’t stack too many White Sox hitters in their doubleheader yesterday.  They are the new blech.  How does one team look so huckleberry-ey? (Huckleberrii?  Huckleberrier?  Huckleberrish?  I’m bearish on my huckleberrish knowledge.  How did I get on this anyway?  *pops Ritalin*  Ah!  Now I see!)  I will say this about the White Sox and their huckleberrish lineup, they look good on paper.  You look at them and you’re like, “Yeah, I could see them scoring seven runs a game and doing well-choreographed home run celebrations,” then you get Nadir Bupkis and his Merry Men of Meh.

J.B. Shuck – 2-for-7 with two steals.  I don’t mention Shuck in the Buy column that’s coming later today — aw, Shuck! — but with Avisail Garcia sidelined for no one-knows-how-long, Shuck could see some playing time and has speed and some power.

David Robertson – Jake Petricka earned the save in the first game of the doubleheader.  White Sox are saying Robertson simply had the doubleheader off yesterday due to being overworked-Slash-Axl-Izzy-awful recently.

Adam LaRoche – 4-for-7, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer as he tries to stop himself from hitting as terrible as his beard looks.  Shouldn’t be hard, but so far, not much luck.

Adam Eaton – 2-for-7, 2 runs and a solo homer, his 2nd.  You remember those novelty baseball cards from Topps when they had Vida Blue and Bud Black and they titled the card, “Black & Blue?”  I wanna see a new one with Adam Eaton and Bartolo Colon titled, “Eaton & Ate.”

Wei-Yin Chen – Will miss his next start with an undisclosed injury.  Ooh, that’s like the Mystery Dum Dum!

Chris Davis – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer in the first game.  Davis is the kind of guy that gets hot and hits 12 homers in 10 days, so hold onto your hat.  Nice hat, by the way, Judah Friedlander.

Tyler Wilson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K.  Looks respectable because he was pitching against the White Sox.  Have I mentioned how awful they are?  Oh, yeah, seven blurbs ago.  Four score they don’t get and seven blurbs ago, our fantasy forefather bestowed on your eyes a wonder of words — adjectives and dangling participles — full of sound and fury and signifying everything.

Mike Wright – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I almost streamed him yesterday, but I just didn’t have enough of the cacahuetes.  Wright’s a rookie with solid stuff that hasn’t translated completely yet.  For now, I’d watch what the Stream-o-Nator says on him.

Carlos Santana – Out on paternity leave.  Mazel tov!  I hope he gives birth to a 25-game hitting streak and a .320 average the rest of the way with many, many home runs.

Corey Kluber – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 3.52.  I suggest a minor DL stint next April for Kluber.  Maybe a pesky hang nail.

Brandon Moss – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer.  With Moss, expect the unexpected.  That is so not true, but it’s fun to say.  Moss is about as predictable as they come.  Power here and there, and not much else.

Cody Allen – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 K and the easy save, because closers will be the death of me.  Sigh.  So, Allen is still the closer, but he still has a 5.85 ERA and he is not in e-f-f-e-c-t, nor is he a smooth operator operating correctly.  I’m holding his setup men, McAllister and Shaw for now.

James Paxton – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, but left with an issue with his left middle finger.  I have a middle finger for you!

Dustin Ackley – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and in this game Mike Zunino also homered (2-for-4, 7th homer).  Or from Mariner A to Limp Bat Z.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  He touched up Buck Farmer.  It was the first time Buck Farmer had been touched by anything but his overalls.  As for Joyce, this was his 2nd homer in two days.  Hot schmotato alert!

Erick Aybar – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring injury.  It looked like it might sideline him for a bit.  Taylor Featherston, and his .042 average, would take over.  I hear C.J. Cron played shortstop in Little League?  Huh?  Anything?

Albert Pujols – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer.  He also homered off of Buck Farmer.  As the ball sailed out, Buck Farmer turned, removed the hay from his mouth and said, “Golly.”

Chris Iannetta – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Iannetta has three homers in his last eight games.  He’s also hitting, .178 on the year, so, ya know, you’re not getting a ton here.  Though not a Featherston, either.

C.J. Wilson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 3.18.  Usually whichever way his control goes, so does his ERA, but right now he’s defying laws of gravity with his ERA and with his hair.  What shampoo does he use anyway?

Nick Kingham – One of the top Pirates pitching prospects underwent Tommy John surgery.  That was so early 2014!  Geez, why not just wear Zubaz and play with a Pet Rock while you’re at it?

Gregory Polanco – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer.  I have a theory I want to test out.  Let’s try to get to a hundred comments about dropping Polanco.  Just want to see something.

Starling Marte – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer.  Now in the co-lead on the Albright All-Stars team.  Just as I drew it up, Jose Abreu.

Jung-ho Kang – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .308.  Just floating it out there, but I think he’s going to be hitting .275 by the All-Star break, and .250 by September.

Francisco Cervelli – 3-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .320, and around .500 in the last week.  Not much power, speed, (Mad Libs in attribute Cervelli lacks), but he is hitting.

Ian Kennedy – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Kennedy gave up three homers in Petco before the 4th inning.  I blame Hoover, Cuba and the mafia.

Will Middlebrooks – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI.  He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy, because he’s here right now.  I’ve already added him in one league.  Goodbye, Mark Canha!  What?  It’s a deep league.

Chris Heston – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks at home vs. the Braves.  Honestly, this was one that didn’t even need the Stream-o-Nator.  Was a full court layup for the kiss off the plexiglass thing behind the hoop.  And they say I don’t know basketball.

Nori Aoki – 2-for-4, 1 run vs. Cameron Maybin 0-for-4.  In related news, Grey throws himself out his first story window into rose bushes.

Brandon Belt – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer and 5th homer in the last 13 games.  Yeah, I’m not much of a clothes horse, but Belt looks about as good as they come right now.

Brandon Crawford – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .296.  If you’re in a mixed league, and you ask me if you should pick up Crawford vs. any remotely interesting MI, I’ll go with the remotely interesting MI.

Shelby Miller – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 1.48.  It’s like he’s baiting the Regression Fairies by only notching one K.  Look at me, I’m Shelby Miller, I get fly ball outs in a big park.  Nana nana boo boo, stick your head in doo doo, you can’t catch me!

Jayson Werth – An MRI showed fractures on his wrist.  This news comes after he was hit by a pitch on May 15th.  It took almost six weeks for the MRI results?  Man, Obamacare is a mess.  Werth will likely be out until August/September, and wouldn’t expect anything from him even then.  Too bad, so sad.  Sooooo, Michael Taylor is interesting here.  Or as I call him when in a rush, Michaeltaylor.  He’s mostly just a guy to pick up when hot in most mixed leagues, but he has 8 HR, 15 SB, .220 potential.  Kinda like a poor man’s Souza.  I will call him, Kazoo.

Billy Burns – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .302.  I tend to stop talking about players if they’re owned in over 50% of leagues and there’s nothing to say.  Speaking of which, how is Burns only owned in 10% of leagues?  He was owned before he played one game in our league.  Shoot (not you, Dick Cheney!), I drafted him!

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Member when he was called up and he was touted as a future Hall of Famer?  We were younger then, and you had more hair!

Brian McCann – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and has homered in three straight games.  Dale Long called and said get your own schtick!

Masahiro Tanaka – Will rejoin the rotation next week.  His arm will rejoin 14 months from when the Yankees shut him down.