We’ve reached the end of the line for Cole Hamels‘ viability. It happens to everyone. Robert De Niro went from Meet the Fockers, a respectable comedic turn as Rex Reed likely said, to total garbage. Maybe Hamels throws a couple of good games here and there, just as De Niro might have a scene or two here and there after the Fockers. Silver Linings Playbook wasn’t all bad, but if you’re going to see a movie because of De Niro, you’re about to sit through crap that he did for money. Hamels is heading out there with a 6-ish K/9 and starring in Last Vegas. His xFIP and velocity look like Dirty Grandpa. Hamels’ walk rate is still not right and you’ve walked into the wrong theater and now you’re watching The Intern and a grandmother is standing in front of the exit telling you to sit back down. I want out!!! Please God!!! I would attempt to sell Hamels before it’s too late. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Jett Bandy – His full name Jett Bandicoot of the Crash Bandicoots from the Wumpa Islands has power and, really, the biggest thing going for him is The Sciosciapath never played him when he was on the Angels. One of the best catcher farm systems is simply being benched by The Sciosciapath. I look forward to owning Carlos Perez in three years on a different team.
Mitch Moreland – Sawx lineup: Sparky Anklebiter, Ralph Benintendi, Mookie Ballgame, Hanley, Mitch, Xander, JBJ, The Skinny Oval and a catcher. Sure, it’s fluid with the emphasis on flu with the Sawx, but that lineup makes the most sense. At worst, batting 5th or 7th is Mitch or JBJ, and Moreland isn’t worth owning? Huh?
Brandon Phillips – He’s the Jason Vargas of 2nd base. You know what you’re getting long-term, or at least should, but Bra-Phil is worth grabbing. Assuming you get the okay, don’t be Cosby’ing anyone.
Chase Headley – If you look at Headley’s ownership numbers at the Hitter-Tron, you’ll see Headley’s ownership numbers are way above the threshold for making it into the Buy, but our ownership numbers are powered by RCL ownership so highly skewed because JayWrong owns Headley in every league and even recently picked up Braves prospect, Jace Peterson, because “Jace is so close to Chase,” he texted me.
Zack Cozart – Every year I own Cozart (not every year) and it always feels like he’s about to break out, then injuries or slumps or just general being-Zack-Cozart-ness hits.
Orlando Arcia – A friend from Indonesia recently visited me, let’s call him Friendonesia, and he said, “Brewers make home run excitement, and, now I will go ride around in a rental Sebring convertible while blowing a gum bubble, because I can here.” Crazy how just a simple slogan made by a Brewers’ brilliant imaginary PR exec has made its way around the world so quickly.
Steven Souza – I almost don’t want to own him because he doesn’t come to bat to the song, “Play That Funky Music White Boy,” alas I do.
Kevin Pillar – Not sure if everyone heard about this news story, but someone apparently found a seashell on the beach in Toronto and when they put it up to their ear they heard, “Jays are plural like moose, and that’s the last time the Jays will be compared to moose, because moose are wonderful and the Jays are not.” Such a geographically specific seashell. The Jays are not good, but Pillar has been of late.
Adam Frazier – Pirates lost Starling Farté to his narcissistic need to make himself greater than the team, a self-love that brings down all the great role models in society like Pee Wee Herman. Frazier should fill-in for Farté but C**nt Hurdle’s got a thing for white guys with dreads no matter how much they smell like patchouli.
Max Kepler – He isn’t owned in 50% of ESPN leagues? Damn, Klara Bell must own 15,000 leagues to fill his virtual trophy case, and Klara doesn’t have Kepler, apparently.
Michael Conforto – True story: I own Conforto in a league as deep as a 12-team NL-Only and as shallow as a 12-team mixed league. I really want this Conforto thing to happen, as you can tell. He’s my own personal fetch.
Josh Reddick – Vin Diesel is in a fantasy baseball league, and he only owns Reddick. He drafted him in the first round and autodrafted a Placeholder empty spot for the next 23 rounds.
Trevor Rosenthal – Seung Hwan Oh sounds like an anime cat singing and has looked as good as that sounds. I doubt Matheny is just going to drop Oh from the role, but Oh might be hiding an injury, or the Cards might conjure up a fake injury that Oh’s been fake hiding. Either way, you should own Rosenthal.
Brad Brach – Darren O’Day could also see saves in Balty More, the never home of Rudy Ray Moore, and Cougs asked if I wanted to see Paramour, nah, sounds like a chore, snore, you see which drawer I put my shirt that reads, “I’m a Centaur?”
Hector Neris – Well, Benoit might’ve lasted two games in the closer role, ruining his chance after one blown save. I guess Jeanmar used up all the Phils’ blown saves for the year.
Matt Bush – I’m a fan of Bush, hehe. Okay, stop being juvenile. I like him as a player. In real life, I think he’s a POS, but cast the first stone yadda3. I do worry a bit about his shoulder injection he received and would stash Jeremy Jeffress still.
Shawn Kelley – I’d also own Koda Glover to see how this shakes out. By the way, you can’t tell me Dusty wanted Treinen to be the closer, after he pitched him on five consecutive days to start the year until he failed. I contend the Nats forced that decision on him and Dusty did what he had to to (stutterer!) remove Treinen from the job.
Luis Severino – There’s some early breakouts, and there are some that are not early breakouts. Mike Leake and Jason Vargas, come to mind. They are old AF, dusty as dirt, fun examples of how small sample sizes can play tricks on your mind like Bushwick Bill. (Fun fact! Jose Altuve has dressed as Buchwick Bill for three consecutive Halloweens. I’m a bit of a trivia buff.) You wanna grab Leake and Vargas, a’ight, homey, you do you, I’ll do me, and we’ll go blind in the process. They have such a long history of being exactly what they are. You’re not grabbing a breakout; you’re grabbing a guy that is pitching well. Hey, that’s not all bad. I’d take a guy pitching well over, say, Kyle Hendricks. With that said (Here comes the actual point of all of this!), Luis Severino looks like he’s breaking out. He throws 97 MPH on the Reginald. (Reg is short for Reginald, right?) 97 MPH don’t mean shizz from Shizzola! Who cares, you prematurely balding man? Oh, it’s coupled with an 87 MPH slider that he’s worked on, he’s striking out 12 guys per nine and he’s only 23 years old? Oh, indeed. *gulps, realizes drool has still escaped my mouth, drags drool along keyboard like it’s the crane game at an arcade and types* hs’ so beatiseful. Okay, enough drool typing, but Severino is breaking out and should be owned everywhere. If he dominates in his next start vs. the Red Sox, there will be no getting him off waivers anymore.
Jose Bautista – He hit 22 homers and .234 last year. Not sure what you thought you were getting this year, but a 36-year-old with injury concerns is not getting better. I would sell Bautista for fifty cents on the dollar. American dollars, not Canadian dollars like you use for talking Toronto seashells.
Danny Duffy – His velocity is down. That’s a problem because everyone’s velocity is up this year due to the new way they are measuring velocity. For one second, allow me to vent. They used to measure velocity from 55 feet out of home plate, now they measure it directly out of the pitcher’s hand. They couldn’t have just pointed the gun a half of a centimeter to the left or right and measured it from the same spot? They had to change this so now you have to subtract .6 MPH from everyone’s velocity? Next time I get a speeding ticket can I ask the cop if he was measuring the front of my car or the middle of my car? Where do they measure it at carnivals when I’m trying to win a SpongeBob? Is the carny aiming it at my hand or the giant Tony the Tiger that’s on the wall next to me? This feels like when TV shows pushed standards a little bit in the 90’s, so we could get a little bit of nudity on ABC. Yay, Dennis Franz’s ass! Awesome! Any hoo! Duffy is throwing slower, his Ks are down and he looks in a bad way. I wouldn’t sell him for a montage clip of Dennis Franz’s ass, but I would explore options.