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Here’s one way baseball could take cues from fantasy baseball.  Yesterday, the Marlins announced that they’d be going to a closer-by-committee, which puts Steve Cishek in line for saves.  If they had a fantasy baseballer (<–my mom’s term!) running their club, things would’ve been different down in South Florida.  About two months ago, the Marlins would’ve dropped Bell for Cishek, then they would’ve traded Reyes for Adam Dunn and Cozart, dropped and picked up Josh Johnson four times, asked Stanton to catch for the eligibility and changed their team name seven times, finally going with the Miami Turdsuckers.  In other closer news, Carlos Marmol is actually being a decent closer, but I’ll believe it after another two months, Axford looks like the type of closer that barely makes it through this season then is replaced early next April, Huston Street, Broxton and Brett Myers are on the precipice of being traded if anyone knows what precipice means — I sure as heck fire don’t — Jim Johnson and Fernando Rodney want to be $12 Salads, but common perception says they’re not there, Taipei Slinko is saying, “And you doubted me in the spring,” and now Taipei will probably lose his job — pride comes before the yadda2, and more closer news will come later today with our Bottom of the Ninth post.  Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Craig Kimbrel (Eric O’Flaherty, Kris Medlen, Jonny Venters)
2. Kenley Jansen (+15) (Javy Guerra)
3. Aroldis Chapman (+15) (Sean Marshall, Jose Arredondo)
4. Jonathon Papelbon (Antonio Bastardo)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
5. Fernando Rodney (+8) (Kyle Farnsworth)
6. Jim Johnson (Pedro Strop)
7. Joel Hanrahan(Juan Cruz, Jason Grilli)
8. Ernesto Frieri(+20) (Scott Downs, Jordan Walden)
9. Rafael Soriano (-6) (David Robertson)
10. Jason Motte (Mitchell Boggs, Fernando Salas)
11. Joe Nathan(+6) (Mike Adams, Robbie Ross)
12. Rafael Betancourt (+7) (Matt Belisle, Rex Brothers)
13. J.J. Putz (-4) (David Hernandez, Bryan Shaw)
14. Addison Reed (+16) (Matt Thornton, Hector Santiago)
15. Ryan Cook (+6) (Grant Balfour)
16. Tom Wilhelmsen(-3) (Brandon League)
17. Jose Valverde (-6) (Joaquin Benoit)
18. Huston Street(-12) (Dale Thayer, Luke Gregerson)

Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Heath Bell– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Hanley in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. John Axford (-17) (Francisco Rodriguez, Jose Veras)
20. Chris Perez(Vinnie Pestano)
21. Brett Myers(-6) (Brandon Lyon, Wilton Lopez)
22. Jonathan Broxton (Greg Holland, Aaron Crow)
23. Tyler Clippard (Drew Storen, Sean Burnett)
24. Casey Janssen(+6) (Francisco Cordero, Luis Perez, Sergio Santos)
25. Santiago Casilla (-6) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
26. Bobby Parnell(-2) (Frank Francisco, Jon Rauch)
27. Alfredo Aceves(-2) (Vicente Padilla, Mark Melancon)
28. Carlos Marmol(-2) (James Russell, Shawn Camp)
29. Matt Capps (-8) (Glen Perkins, Jared Burton)
30. Steve Cishek/Heath Bell/Juan Carlos Oviedo (-3) (Michael Dunn, Randy Choate, Joey Cora in a wig)