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Ryan Madson hit the DL and some Bastardo took over, Broxton is a bastardo and Guerra is getting saves since Kuo can’t watch Lifetime without crying — assuming there are Dodger saves, Rauch was named the closer and Frank2 started getting all the saves, Lyon is out for the season and Melancon looks terrible, La Russa changed closers three times since you started reading this run-on sentence, Jordan Walden has been taking pointers from Fernando Rodney and Kevin Gregg actually moved up the ranks.  Brain Freezes, your saves are cheap, but your headaches are senseless.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (+3) (David Robertson, Luis Ayala)
2. Jose Valverde (+3) (Joaquin Benoit, Al Alburquerque)
3. Carlos Marmol (-2) (Sean Marshall)
4. Jonathan Papelbon (-2) (Daniel Bard)
5. Heath Bell (-1) (Mike Adams, Ernesto Frieri)


Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Brian Wilson (+5) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
7. Joel Hanrahan (+8) (Jose Veras, Chris Resop)
8. Chris Perez (+1) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
9. Francisco Cordero (+3) (Nick Masset)
10. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
11. Craig Kimbrel (-5) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
12. John Axford (+1) (Kameron Loe)
13. Leo Nunez (+1) (Steve Cishek, Mike Dunn)
14. Francisco Rodriguez (-6) (Jason Isringhausen, Pedro Beato)
15. J.J. Putz (-8) (David Hernandez)
16. Drew Storen (+2) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
17. Kyle Farnsworth (-1) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
18. Andrew Bailey (+5) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
19. Sergio Santos (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale, Jesse Crain)
Joakim Soria (+10) (Aaron Crow)
21. Neftali Feliz (-1) (Darren Oliver, Arthur Rhodes)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Matt Capps (+5) (Joe Nathan, Jose Mijares, Alex Burnett)
23. Kevin Gregg (+2) (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
24. Brandon League (+2) (Jamey Wright, David Pauley)
25. Jordan Walden (-4) (Scott Downs)
26. Fernando Salas (-4) (Jason Motte, Mitchell Boggs, Eduardo Sanchez)
27. Mark Melancon (-3) (Wilton Lopez)
28. Frank Francisco (Jon Rauch, Octavio Dotel, Jason Frasor)
29. Javy Guerra (Hong-Chih Kuo, Kenley Jansen)
30. Antonio Bastardo (-12) (Ryan Madson, Michael Stutes, Brad Lidge, Battery Throwing Fan)

  1. Shin-Soo Choo Choo says:

    10 team weekly H2H non-keeper.

    Drop JMac for Furbush?

    I’ve used over half my moves for the year, so I need Furbush to stick. (ewww…)

  2. Stormin' Norman says:

    I’d rather have Kimbrel over Street and maybe Cordero, but picking nits.

  3. whodunnit?? says:

    @Grey, Are you actually the artist known as Deer Tick? I swear I think of you everytime I see the “Black Dirt Sessions” album cover…

  4. Purewater says:

    Marmol #3??? Say it ain’t so. He somehow puts 6 runners on per inning but never gives up a run…that can’t last and he’s a walking package of dynamite.

  5. DHill Dragons says:

    Cole Hamels was struck on his non pitching hand by a line drive off the bat of Adrian Gonzalez. He finished the 4th inning against the Sox, but has left the game for x-rays now. Stay tuned…

  6. MrHappyTime says:

    @ Grey, who ya liking tomm out of Wakefield @ HOU, Nova @ NYM, Collmenter @ OAK, or Mosely @ SEA? Thanks

  7. Derrick says:

    Crawford, Gio and Soria for Matt Kemp.

    Who wins?

  8. shibboleth says:

    I want Bourn as his SB could win me the league. Won’t come cheap… Is Haren or Shields straight up too much?

    My pitching is way over the limit so I can afford to move an ace to help a badly hurting category like SB… I own Haren, Shields, Greinke, Kennedy, D Hudson, Cueto, Morrow and Scherzer. Thank you sir, you’re a demigod.

  9. chata says:

    @ Grey :

    read your ben revere blurb in your previous write-up (scroll down).
    perhaps the worcester-ed thing you’ve written all week …. (i keed).
    but , how the hell do you know so much about massachusetts ?
    is there something that you’re not telling us ??

    also , you profess love for zimmerman , but none for humber .
    why ?

  10. Grey

    Grey says:

    @shibboleth: Too much…No problem.

    @chata: Did you read my e-book? I went to BU. Humber’s K-rate is almost a few one K below Zimm.

  11. jessegeeeee says:

    Drop Duensing, Alex Miller or neither for Furbush?

  12. ichirosan says:

    Mark Ellis just got sent to the Rockies.


  13. Eddy says:

    Cole Hamels is fine. He’ll make his next start.

    I’ve never played in an AL- or NL-only league. This year, which seems to have the most depth? Will your answer be the same for the next one or two years?

  14. Eddy says:


    Somewhere in the Rockies’ dugout, Eric Young Jr. sheds a soft, unnoticed tear.

  15. DHill Dragons says:

    Phillies combined starting staff ERA for the month of June: 1.96!

  16. chata says:


    a) no . bit of an austerity program going on here .
    b) zimm has 12 more K’s and a better ERA by 0.26 , but he’s had 2 more
    starts than humber .
    doesn’t humber’s 2 more Wins make him the better play ?
    i guess what i’m asking is –> isn’t 5 Wins better than the 25 extra K’s ??
    d) despite pitching to the additional DH , i’d take humber in a ‘fantasy’
    side-bet , from here on out .
    deal or no ?
    e) call me a Win-chaser , if you want .

  17. chata says:


    p.s. good job avoiding the trolleys .

  18. Ryans21 says:

    Why so high on A.Presley?

  19. STRAWberry says:

    @DHill Dragons: How come every time I read about someone getting hurt on Razzball, you are the bearer (barer?) of bad news?

  20. Terrence Mann says:

    Holy Smugshot, Batman! Check out Luebke’s at MLB.

  21. DHill Dragons says:

    @STRAWberry: I’m usually checking in on updates or listening to sports radio while I work during the day at my desk, so I pass along pertinent info when I hear it. Sorry to be that guy. Like most breaking news, usually it’s not a good thing. But in Fantasy land, it’s good to know.

  22. Terrence Mann says:

    League has to be in the donkeycorn category. He’s been lights out the last month and his whip is under 1.1 even after that full week of meltdowns.

  23. shibboleth says:

    Last one, I promise. Any of these superstars a nice fit for Cahl Crawford in a trade? Have a great weekend!

    Haren, Shields, Greinke, Kennedy, D Hudson, Cueto, Morrow and Scherzer. Hope you have a great weekend.

  24. @Grey:
    2 things:

    1: Brandon league still a brain feeze? i thought for sure he was at least a donkey corn by now, he’s leading the AL in saves and there has been absolutely no talk of Aardsma coming back at all.

    2: Andy Dirks es en FUEGO!!!!!!

  25. herschel says:

    @Grey: roto league, this season only, r. zimmerman for scherzer?

  26. Grey

    Grey says:

    @shibboleth: Thanks you too! I’d trade any of them for Crawford, not vice versa.

    @Dope man: 1. I don’t trust League. 2. Yup

    @herschel: Zimmerman

  27. herschel says:

    @Grey: thanks…also, who would you rather have for ros between scherzer and gallardo? apples and apples?

  28. AdamH says:

    Who do you have the least faith in for the remainder of this season (all of which are on my middle of the pack squad). I need some roster room:

    B Anderson

  29. Adam says:

    What does Hanrahan have to do to be a $12 salad… convert 30 in a row?

  30. Hardcore Midget says:

    Anyone read that turd of an article on ESPN today where their fantasy expert suggests you trade Jon Lester to acquire Brandon Beachy?

    Umm, I’m a Beachy owner, and I couldn’t push the ACCEPT button quickly enough if I was offered Lester for him.

  31. Big Magoo

    Big Magoo says:

    @Grey: Kimbrel should be about 3-4 spots higher, and Bailey about 6-8, imo. They’re both unhittable when they’re on, and fairly consistent too. I’m guessing you’re concerned about competition/overuse for Kimbrel and durability for Bailey? Just picking nits though. Awesome list.

    Btw, just showed my wife this write-up and she’s a razzball fan now. You’re the man, Grey!

  32. Oilcan Giuseppe says:

    @Hardcore Midget: was it the same ESPN “expert” who predicted 40 HR for Tyler Colvin?

    anyway,yeah I love Beachy too(just traded for him in two leagues),but Lester is Lester and Beachy is not.

  33. Public Enemy #1 says:

    @Grey I need SBs! Would you deal Morse (who I can keep for $1) for Bourn and Smoke? Or should I continue to roll with Schafer and hope his SB production continues? This is in a 16 team league, with a $250 cap where we get to keep 4 players each year at the previous years’ salary.

    My other keeper options are:
    CarGo $15
    Pineda $1
    Beachy $1 (I drank the post MMinor KoolAid and it is good!)
    CBYoung $2
    DHudson $1
    DBrown $1

  34. Mark says:

    Who is more likely to inheret a long-term closer gig: Jason Motte or Hong Chih-Kuo? Should I drop the answer to the first part of my question for Andy Dirks if I’m desperate for both saves and to make up some games in the outfield?

  35. AL KOHOLIC says:

    dont look now but hanley has raised his average 20 points this week

  36. Big Magoo

    Big Magoo says:

    @Grey: Yeah, I figured those were your reasons, but Kimbrel’s stuff is just nasty, and Bailey has three plus pitches and awesome control. Those were my arguments. Thanks, just curious.

  37. royce! says:

    I have the PhillieBot ahead of the battery throwing fan…

  38. Big Magoo

    Big Magoo says:

    @royce!: I gotta disagree on that one. I was there the game that Drew first came in as a Cardinal. Some good arms in the stands that day…

  39. Jesse says:

    Maybin or A Jackson? I’ve got them both pegged for about .260/5 HR/15 SB ROS. Is there any reason to expect from either?

  40. Jesse says:

    *expect more

  41. OaktownSteve says:

    Question: Who is the best pitcher in baseball?
    Response: I dunno…who’s starting against the A’s today?

  42. Steve says:

    @Grey: My Morrow’s wife reference in the previous post was meant to suggest that the fact he’s married to a hottie, with a hot chick name (Lily is a hot chick name to me, anyway), should only augment the man-love you have for him.

    I don’t own him, but at least I can Google-stalk his wife.

  43. Amart says:

    @ Grey

    Drop Gomes for Presley to fill my UTIL spot? I also have D. Jennings stashed… keep holding?

  44. Steve says:

    Bah. There goes the Affeldt vulture win.

  45. Boomer19 says:

    I just got offered Bautista straight up for A-gon in my roto 5×5 14 team league. A-gon was my corner infield so he would just fill the spot. Is it worth doing? I don’t know why i’m still Bautista shy!

  46. stumanji says:

    @Hardcore Midget: I traded Lester for Beachy at the beginning of May.

    But I also got Nellie Cruz :)

  47. Alex says:

    Grey! Looking for LF help. Guy in my league has Braun and Morse and horrible pitching. I’m stacked at SP so looking to trade for Morse. What do you think of Romero for Morse straight up? If not, who would you offer? Here are my other SP’S:


    Thanks for the help! Love your blog.

  48. AL KOHOLIC says:

    grey pierre or presley

  49. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Alex: Thanks for the kind words! How about Morrow? Bumgarner? Beachy?

    @AL KOHOLIC: Presley

  50. AL KOHOLIC says:

    @Grey: groovy

  51. BucLover says:

    Grey…I took your advice and picked up Gomes, dropping A. Casilla. Now wondering…should I take Presley over Gomes? Big Pirates fan here. Thank you, sir.

  52. Oilcan Giuseppe says:

    anyone hear what’s wrong w/ big Z?

  53. SetPhaserstoDL says:


    Daniel Hudson, Jhoulys Chacin, or CJ Wilson for rest of season? Standard 5×5 format. Margin of difference?

  54. Alex says:

    Grey, thanks for the help again. But seriously, that mustache is almost as awesome as your Hommy Tanson joke. I can’t believe you didn’t draft him!

    Instead of trading, what are your thoughts on picking up Ludwick off the waivers? I’m thinking he may be able to keep up the RBI’s and if there’s a chance he gets traded, could be some upside. Any thoughts?

  55. Grey

    Grey says:

    @SetPhaserstoDL: Hudson, Wilson…It’s close.

    @Alex: Thanks! Sure, worth a chance for some cheap power.

  56. SwaggerJackers says:

    Just wanted to throw in the obligatory daily rant of: “Why won’t they just call up Jennings already?!?!?!?

    Oh, and let’s not forget: “Adam Dunn is an epic disaster this season.”

  57. AL KOHOLIC says:

    @SwaggerJackers: yeah the jennings deal is getting old

  58. Oilcan Giuseppe says:

    @Grey: sounds like youve finally bailed on yo-Leash….

    even though his K/9 isnt spectacular,I love me some Hudson.Maybe its because he seems to be the only one of my SP’s who gets W’s.

  59. royce! says:

    Panda with the most unlikely slam and legs of all time!

    Also, I noticed the other day, I believe Tuesday morning, that every team in the NL West had the same record over the last 10 games– 5-5. I don’t know much about statistics, so maybe one of the smarter commenters can figure out the statistical likelihood of 5 teams having the same record over a 10 game period, or the likelihood of 5 teams having a 5-5 record over a 10 game period. Homework!

    Also, despite the slugfest in DET, I think yesterday’s games must have had the lowest average scores in a long time: I calculated the average score as a measly 6 runs. I can’t figure out how this compares historically, except that 8 is a pretty low average.

  60. royce! says:

    @royce!: And if you get rid of the NYM/DET game, the average was 4.64 runs per game.

  61. Oilcan Giuseppe says:

    @royce!: quite tasty as far as Im concerned.I own him in two leagues.

  62. Grey

    Grey says:

    @SwaggerJackers: Ha…Any day/week now.

    @Oilcan Giuseppe: I didn’t bail, but he’s due for a correction like I wrote two weeks ago.

    @royce!: Wow… Yeah, does seem kinda odd. Especially since the Dodgers and Padres are in that division.

  63. potus says:

    @ Royce- I bet it isn’t as uncommon as one would think…we’ll @ least the 5-5 part. Some statistical truths just seem impossible. I am not about to ‘prove’ you wrong but ponder this question: How many people do you need in a room to have a 99% chance of 2 of them having the same birthday?

    Screw that though…Did Chris Carter get called up to ride the pine? I mean come on. Brad…I mean Billy should take care of this issue immediately!!!

  64. Wilsonian says:

    I need a little help at 1st (have Gaby and D.Lee). Would you deal Marcum for Trumbo/D.Hudson and drop Lee?

    What about Gio or Kennedy instead of Marcum?

  65. sal says:

    @Grey: ENJOY! jk sorry…
    Justin Morneau underwent surgery Wednesday to remove a fragment of a herniated disk from his neck.
    Morneau has been dealing with the issue for almost the entire regular season and decided to get it taken care of this week while he continues to rehab from a left wrist injury. He’s likely going to miss another six weeks and probably shouldn’t be counted on until mid-August. Another blow to the Twinkies’ fading hopes.

  66. Grey

    Grey says:

    @potus: Ha

    @Wilsonian: I’d take Hudson for Gio, Kennedy or Marcum, in that order.

  67. Grey

    Grey says:

    @sal: Good riddance to him.

  68. Steve says:

    @Grey: I even feel like he’s a drag on my DL slot.

  69. SwaggerJackers says:

    @sal: As much as I disliked owning Kendrys this season, I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be to own Morneau. At least Kendrys took himself out of fantasy relevance a while ago. I think it’s safe to move on from Justin now.

    Speaking of 1Bs about to lose the rest of the season, when are they going to officially announce Ike Davis is done? I’d like to punt him as well.

  70. Big League Choo says:

    @Grey: What kind of top-tier SP should I target trading away Beckett/J-Zimm in a dynasty league?

  71. Max says:

    Just great. In one of my teams, my closers are Walden, Francisco and Melancon… Anyway, I don’t complain about that, I don’t pay for saves and it always works out for me.

  72. Wilsonian says:

    @Grey: and do you think Trumbo is an upgrade over D. Lee or even Gaby?

  73. nyydj2 says:

    Hey Grey, any upside there with the guy at the bottom rung in the Philly pen? I have an open rost……oops, wait a minute….Philly. Sorry, I should not have just assumed that was a guy.

    Saw that Justin NoMore tweeted Oswalt yesterday to see if he wanted any help milking the cows this summer…….

    What is going on in Colorado? It’s becoming the Fletcher Memorial Home For Incurable Second Basemen…Herrera, Nelson, Ellis, Young. are they going to package them all to the Yankees for Horace Clarke or something?

    Sorry, bad mood tonight, my RCL went from 105 last Wednesday to 99.5 tonight thanks to a totally imploding offense. Is Joey Votto going to appear more than once this year?

  74. Grey

    Grey says:

    @nyydj2: Ha! Seriously with Ellis’ signing. Ridiculous.

  75. chata says:


    roll with lindstrom or nathan for potential saves in a re-draft league ?

    thank you .

  76. Wilsonian says:

    @Grey: thanks for the help. I’m sure you’ve missed me today, I haven’t commented much. Damn moving. Got married last month and we finally got completely move in. Definitely put a damper on my fantasy baseball the last few days.

  77. Terrence Mann says:

    Stauffer or Carrasco?

Comments are closed.