The Rockies made official what seemed inevitable for the last week, Trevor Story will be the starting shortstop in Colorado. As a visiting dignitary gets a key to the city, Story earned the shortstop job and was handed one of Tulo’s old hamstrings. “May your hamstrings stay forever young.” That’s Rod Stewart doing the honors. No idea why Colorado hired Rod Stewart to handle that ceremony. I upped Story in my top 20 shortstops, and cranked up his projections. His Ks have been a problem in the past, but it’s Coors, so how bad could it be? “Should I answer?” No, Josh Rutledge, it’s a rhetorical question. I’m fascinated to see what the Rockies are going to do with Jose Reyes. He’s owed a lot of money to become a straight bench player. Maybe the Rockies will just cut him. Maybe MLB will suspend Reyes for the season. Maybe the Rockies will hire Mo’nique to throw Reyes threw a glass door. Maybe if I had dollars instead of maybes I’d be rich. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:
Tony Wolters – Made the Opening Day roster as the Rockies backup catcher instead of Dustin Garneau. Rockies will now open the year without a Morneau or a Garneau, and E! says it’s not greenlighting The Bats’neau Boys reality show.
Matt Harvey – Should be fine going forward after being diagnosed with blood clots in his bladder. Apparently, he wasn’t grooving to the music all those times, he was doing The Pee-Pee Dance.
Dalier Hinojosa – Candidate to close for the Phillies. Maybe the Phils will ask him to Stand and Dalier! What? Okay, I’ll smack my own knuckles. I’ve been saying all along that David Hernandez would get the most saves in Philly this year, and now the Phils are saying Andrew Bailey could be sent down to start the year because his velocity is down. By the way, the most saves on the Phils will be, like, 17 total, so, ya know, expectations.
Will Venable – After being released by the Indians, he signed with the Phillies. He’s already done the Padres thing, so the only place left for him to play is Japan, where he will be known as Wii Venable.
Vincent Velasquez – Won the 5th starter job on the Phils. Too bad Richard Nixon’s not still alive, he could throw his two V’s up behind the dugout every time Vincent took the field, then Velasquez could reply, “I’m not a rook.” I went over Velasquez already in the top 80 starters.
Dan Straily – Acquired by the Padres. Straily has become the pitching equivalent of Brett Wallace. Crappy teams just can’t get enough of him.
Robbie Ray – Named the 5th starter on the D’Backs. I could move Ray up in my top 100 starters, but the 5th starter job in Arizona feels like it’s going to be a revolving door like prison doors installed by Dukakis.
James Paxton – Sent to the minors because the Mariners can’t trade him away for pennies on the dollar and they’ve run out of other more creative ways to screw up their rotation. Meh, I’m just joking, Paxton did nothing really to warrant much loyalty. He’ll be back at some point, and until then JB still has the possibility of Shane Greene in the Tigers rotation. I removed Paxton from my top 80 starters, and Nate Karns, his replacement, was already ranked there.
Brock Holt – Named the Red Sox left fielder. Brock Holt for President! This might seem to move Holt from waiver guy to everyday fantasy guy, and it does, in very deep leagues (like 15-team mixed and deeper). In most leagues, Holt is still a waiver guy that has excellent eligibility. He should be on The Bachelor!
Shane Victorino – Re-signed by the Cubs to a minor league deal. That leaves the Cubs with only seven major league outfielders. Hopefully they can still survive if they get themselves in a 24-inning game.
Javier Baez – Will start the year on the DL. Down to six!
Jon Singleton – Was sent to the minors, as he should’ve been after Rosewood, the Shaft remake and Baby Boy. I’ve removed Singleton from the top 20 1st basemen and added in Tyler White.
Anthony DeSclafani – Dealing with an oblique strain and will miss at least his first week start. The Reds hope by the time they need a fifth starter, DeSclafani will be ready. Right now, they have Alfredo Simon and Jon Moscot as their final two rotation starters. Those two can also be described as “Who Shot Gilbert Grape?”
Yasmani Grandal – Expected to be ready for Opening Day. The other day he took some dry swings. Is it just me or when you read about someone taking dry swings do imagine people standing just off to the player’s side ready to throw water balloons?
Will Smith – Will will (even smaller) will rehab his knee rather than operating on it. Which is another way of saying, he’ll fail to rehab his knee correctly and have surgery in about three months.
Hyun-soo Kim – Orioles want to send him to the minors, but they need his consent for that. He could also be sent back to Korea after looking lost in the Grapefruit league. In fairness to him, Koreans don’t really know of grapefruits. In the Mung Bean Sprouts League, he would’ve killed. Also, the O’s train in Sarasota and, until about a week ago, Kim was looking for Sammy Sosa. I had little to no expectations for Kim in my top 80 outfielders, so I’m not going to change his projections, assuming he’ll be back at some point.
Jesse Hahn – Optioned to the minors. Prior to talking to the Hahn, the A’s manager, Bob Melvin, snapped his fingers and wagged his head.
Felix Doubront – Will get the A’s 5th rotation spot. In 513 2/3 IP in his career, he has a 4.89 ERA, i.e., I’d prefer to own the retired A.J. Burnett.
Jesus Montero – Was picked up by the Blue Jays. Toronto will hope to have the same magic with Montero as they had with previous Mariner castoffs, Justin Smoak and Michael Saunders. Which is to say no real success, but making him enticing in theory.
Aaron Sanchez – Won the 5th starter job. I’m not shizzing you when I say, I didn’t even know Sanchez was in danger of not getting the 5th starter job. Gavin Floyd is a great, close friend to John Danks, and Likes everything he posts on Facebook, but he’s not much competition for Sanchez. A-A-Ron was already in the top 80 starters too.
Lonnie Chisenhall – Hit the DL with tightness in his forearm. That’s what he gets for trying to squeeze in five arms!
Jeff Francoeur – Made the Braves’ Opening Day roster. Reporters said he’ll provide leadership in the dugout. No fooling around, Francoeur doesn’t seem like a leader, he seems like the old person that you mess with. Not, “Let’s go to Frenchy for wisdom,” but “Let’s tell Frenchy a UFO just landed on the roof and they want to seem him on the roof naked right now,” then take photos of him when he goes up there.
Nick Swisher – Was released by the Braves, which came after he spent three years on the Indians. Not sure where Swisher’s going next, but I’d guess the Washington Redskins.
