At least one of you is reading this with a bandaged thumb from a fireworks mishap. I had a Cousin Pete (Italian side of the family) who lost the tip of his thumb on the 4th, but rather than stop the festivities, he taped the tip of a hot dog on his thumb to act as a tourniquet for the rest of the 4th, so we could all go about our fun-having business. I suggested my Cugino make a PSA about hot dog tourniquets, but I was turned away by NBC Cares. Let us bow our heads and pray that if anyone loses a finger, may there be a proper-sized hot dog nearby. Robinson Cano hasn’t been bad. Let’s put that misconception behind our ears like the baby ounce of Drakkar you do every morning. Not bad. Low on homers? Yes. Not bad though. The perception is he’s struggling. Having a real hard time of it in Safeco. He’s on pace for better numbers than last year, except for power. So, where did all the power go? (I sang that like Paula Cole.) He’s insanely off for homers per fly ball, and down in the fly ball department, in general. Those aren’t great things, but — what are you gonna do with that big fat but? — his April/May are dragging down the homers per fly ball. He had four homers in June and looked relatively the same as he’s always looked. There’s no way he makes it to 25 homers on the year (he’s at 6), but four homers per month is doable and about what you always got from Cano. As already pointed out, he’s still doing everything else that made him a top 12 player in March, so if someone is down on Cano, in the non-sexual way, I’d look to see if I could buy him a little cheaper than he’s actually worth. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Mike Zunino – Hold on a second, honey, I will play with the kids, flip the burgers and resuscitate grandma, I just have to read what catchers to pickup this week. Shut up, woman, I’m sick of Yan Gomes!
Wilson Ramos – How about you set and forget your face and stop with the Botox?!
C.J. Cron – I was hesitant to list him, because I will probably drop him due to The Sciosciapath benching Cron vs. some righties. Especially when he’s better vs. righties! Okay, I’m gonna move on before I get an ulcer on July 4th.
Lucas Duda – Duda or Kemp? Is it close? This was your daily, “Holy crap, Kemp has been bad” check-in.
Logan Morrison – He hit .262 with 4 homers in June and is hitting .300 in July. Sure, he hit like a soggy diaper in April (.176), but it was only in 17 ABs and he was injured. When healthy, he really hasn’t been that bad and yes I wrote ‘really’ to try to persuade you on a guy I know you won’t ever pick up. Sad kazoo. (I don’t sad trombone anymore. Nothing sad about a trombone. Ever see anyone playing a kazoo? Now that’s sad.)
Logan Forsythe – You don’t know what kind of restraint it took to not make the lede about Forsythe. If you thought I would, you might want to have your Forsythe checked! I CAN’T STAND IT; I’M TOO CLEVER! HEY, HOW DO I GET THE CAPS LOCK OFF? PRESS IT AGAIN? THANKS, INTERN!
Enrique Hernandez – Or as David Dinkins would call him: Kike. Hernandez had eight homers, 6 steals and hit .337 in Triple-A this year. He’s also fairly young, so it’s not like he’s been withering away on the prospect vine for a long time. I don’t want to be too stingy with my praise about a guy named Kike, for fear of the Anti-Defamation League breathing down my neck. If you’re struggling for a middle infielder and are too cheap to trade for one, I’d go with Kike. What?
Chris Johnson – He’s as boring as mom jeans, but if you need average, here ya go.
Brad Miller – See what I said about Forsythe, then cover yourself in Marshmallow Fluff, run into an arcade and yell, “Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!”
Arismendy Alcantara – His time is nigh, and that only sounds like a negative. This won’t be the last time I mention the Greek God of Middle Infield, Arismendy. Now is the time to start stashing in very deep leagues. Still probably three weeks away.
Oscar Taveras – Mike Matheny drives around a brand-new Chrysler, only he bought it in 1989 and let it sit in his garage for 25 years. We’ve finally figured out what it takes to get the sheen off a prospect. Let the Cardinals handle him. Guess the Cards should’ve handled Charlie Sheen’s Two and Half Men negotiations.
Andre Ethier – I saw that the Hitter-Tron was crazy for Ethier this weekend, and I was like, “Did Ethier fall into a vat of motor oil and emerge like some oil-slicked honey that the Hitter-Tron dreams about or is he at Coors?” The Dodgers are at Coors.
James Jones – I’m glad James Earl Jones is alive, but wouldn’t it be awesome if they accidentally put someone in the Dead Actor montage at the Oscars that was still alive? That would make my life. Life complete, Cougs, roll out the hearse!
Nate Schierholtz – Wikipedia tells me he’s nicknamed “Nate the Great.” Their quotes, but I’m assuming the quotes signify sarcasm. Like Grey “The Sexier Than Tom Cruise-iest” Albright. Someone should write Schierholtz a letter to see if it’s meant sarcastically. I’d love to be a fly on the wall when he reads that! Assuming he doesn’t read it in Africa, you don’t want to be one of those flies! Oh, and Schierholtz has barely any homers and will get a lot more, so grab him for power.
Odrisamer Despaigne – The more I learn how to spell this guy’s name the more I like him. Watch out if I ever figure out how to pronounce it!
Taijuan Walker – He should be owned in every league. Even if he doesn’t have a great start on Sunday. Yes, the reverse jinx!
Jenrry Mejia – He’s only here because he’s owned in 40% of ESPN leagues. He’s been the closer for a month-plus, so I’m not sure why he’s not owned. Maybe because he only got two saves in the last month. Damn, I’m talking myself out of owning him. No, a closer should be owned — SAGNOF!
Santiago Casilla – Bochy didn’t hire a forklift to come and get his head out of bed every morning so you can question his decisions! He said Casilla and Jeremy Affeldt will share saves, so there’s how it will be.
Jose Altuve – I love Altuve like Willy Wonka loved Oompa Loompas and that comparison isn’t that different. Here’s Altuve pregaming. See, they’re very similar. If Altuve’s car broke down and I saw him struggling on the side of the road, I’d throw his car in my trunk, toss him in my glove compartment and drive him to the nearest gas station. Do you see that? In a hypothetical situation, I’d do Altuve favors. So, don’t question my love for that little pesky pester! On the other hand, ESPN’s Player Rater overrates steals, so Altuve’s ranked number one for all players. All players in the major leagues! Yes, that’s how bad their Player Rater is. Altuve has been valuable, but our Player Rater that is better weighted, shows how valuable. Now obviously even ESPN ‘perts in all their wisdom wouldn’t believe Altuve is the most valuable player so far (yes, they don’t even believe their own tools). No one buys that he’s the most valuable. But he is more valuable right now than he will be in, say, a month or two. Also, a lot of his value is coming from steals. He already has more steals than he’s ever stolen in a full season, so we’re in uncharted territory, but I highly doubt he steals anywhere near as many steals in the 2nd half of the year as he did in the first. Now, I wouldn’t trade Altuve for hot dog prosthetics, but I would explore offers.