Buy Cubs Armstrong Or Be Prepared To Pete Crow

This Buzzfeed quiz will tell you which Pixar character you’re most like, whether it’s the old man from Up, the dad from The Incredibles, Buzz Lightyear, Anxiety from Inside Out, one of those fishes they lost, that character voiced by Billy Crystal or Pete Crow-Armstrong. Okay, here goes! Question 1) You currently have a low BABIP for your speed with an excellent strikeout rate for a rookie. You don’t walk a ton, but you are starting to appear way more like a .250 hitter, at worst. Question 2) You’re not actually a Pixar character but the outfielder for the Cubs, who has 50-steal speed and is around the top outfielder on the 7-Day Player Rater and almost as high on the 30-day Player Rater. In the last 30 days, you’re hitting near-.300 and showing a 162-game pace of 25/50, which gives me a Buzz, is Incredible, makes my Anxiety go Up if I don’t roster Pete Crow-Armstrong, but don’t worry all fish is not lost, ya filthy Monster. Question 3) There’s no Question 3. [adds up the answers to the Quiz] Says here I’m Brandon Nimmo. Did I forget to carry a one somewhere? Well, whatever the case, grab Pete Crow-Armstrong. Now, this week’s other picks are…. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

SIKE! This post was released on Wednesday for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:

BUY

Miguel Amaya – Promise this week’s Buy column won’t be all Cubs. Though, I can’t promise you a Panda either. Wistful, “I wish I could twitch my nose and make Pablo Sandoval appear.” Any hoo! Amaya’s been hot, but I looked at his MLB numbers so far in his career and you don’t need to release the hounds to let out a woof.

Jhonkensy Noel – This December I might give you a Jhonkensy Noel sleeper every day of the month. Like an advent calendar of sleepers. Like any self-hating Jew, I love Big XMas!

Spencer Torkelson – In 2022, he had a 110-game season with eight homers and this year he might end up with possibly less homers. And you’re wondering why I’m not excited about him, in general!

Geraldo Perdomo – Here’s a thing that is 100% true: Once the DBags lost Christian Walker then Ketel Marte, they became the 1927 DBags and scored 17 runs per game, so everyone became valuable.

Connor Norby – What’s interesting (to me), Norby went from the O’s to the Marlins and people seemed to have cooled on Norby completely. Edwards is hurt, and Norby is leading off and hot. If he were leading off and hot for the O’s, people would be insane for him, so what’s the difference? In the last 30 days, Marlins are .245/.314/.405 as a team, and the O’s are .252/.324/.426. So, what are you missing with Norby on Marlins vs. O’s? Three runs and five RBIs? Wow.

Zach McKinstry – Grabbing him off waivers with DJ LeMahieu and renaming my team McKinstry of Sound as I come in 11th out of 12 teams.

Spencer Horwitz – Between Horwitz and Clement, the Jays are going for the most bleh contact in baseball. Just killing it with 88 MPH plops over the 2nd baseman’s head.

Ernie Clement – If Hard Contact% is tomatoes, then Clement’s weak contact is gonna ketchup to him.

Daniel Schneemann – From Horwitz to Ernie to Schneemann is the Tinker to Evers to Chance in a softball league with all actuaries.

Addison Barger – ACKSUALLY a Jays’ hitter who isn’t all weak-sauce contact that would be clocked in a school zone for going too slow. Barger looks interesting for this week, and in dynasty, if you’re thinking that way.

MJ Melendez – Michael Jordan Melendez sounds like someone just naming current events in the early 90’s. Like if AJ Puk was short for Azerbai Jan Pukindependence.

Matt Wallner – I may never write a Twins sleeper post, because they’re all excellent but for only 20 games at a time. Twins’ hitting is like one giant relay race.

JJ Bleday – Just gave you a Lawrence Butler and JJ Bleday fantasy. A sumptuous post for the intellectuals.

Trevor Larnach – Twins are the exact opposite of the Jays’ hitters in this post. They’re all Hard Contact guys who might not be playing by Sunday.

Grant McCray – Never seen a team like the Giants. Every week, they cryogenically unfreeze Ted Williams’s head, screw it onto a prospect no one has heard of, and make them a star.

Parker Meadows – 15-ish homers, 30-ish steals and around a .250 average if you combine his Triple-A and MLB numbers this year when all is said and done. You’re gonna make me do silly things next year, aren’t you?

Jonny DeLuca – He’s been hot, good for speed, so this isn’t about that. Went to look at his offensive WAR and he’s a -10, which, as you can imagine, is not good. So that got me curious: Who were the worst this year? That list is pretty hilariously bad: Verdugo, Benintendi, Heim, but one interesting one: Bryan De La Cruz. Guess having a ~.280 OBP can hurt your value a smidge.

Joey Loperfido – Is there something in the air in Canada that makes the ball stop traveling forward? Another guy with a bunch of 88 MPH exit velocity doinkers. Too young to write him off, but [readies pen and pad] he’s 25, so let’s go, time’s a-wastin’!

Matthew Boyd – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to the deli.

Cody Bradford – This is also a Streamonator call. “I’m calling to speak to the meat slicer. No, not the person slicing the meat.”

Tyler Holton – Could be in-line for Tigers saves, and a new elbow tendon. Just went to look at Holton’s stats and my arm hurt for him. He had 85 1/3 IP last year in 59 appearances and 75 2/3 IP this year in 52. He should join Scott Proctor’s class action lawsuit.

Michael Kopech – If you were to ask Dave Roberts who his closer is, he might say Kopech or Phillips or say some combo of both, but in reality what is going on his head is: [tumbleweed rolls through]

Porter Hodge – Two things: Hodge rocks in his own right and he absolutely might not get saves. Sadly, the first thing is affecting the 2nd. Because he’s so good, the Cubs are not giving him every opportunity so his arbitration price doesn’t go up. Great system MLB’s got figured out here. Teams are incentivized to not use their best players.

Edwin Uceta – Good news is Uceta is a free agent, so not sure it matters if he gets saves as far as his price for the Rays goes. Bad news, Kevin Cash has never committed any role to any player ever. He’s had Siri for three years and he’s still not sure what to do with him. Sometimes he presses his head and asks him the nearest place to get an oil change.

SELL

Kyle Tucker – On this day in 1775, a man was hit by musket fire and lost his leg. He returned to action faster than Kyle Tucker. This is what happened to Tucker in layman’s terms: You bump into the edge of your coffee table and miss the next three months of work. Earth to Kyle Tucker, do you still exist? If Tucker magically appears again, what are you going to get from him in the final month if he is reinstated from the IL? 3 HRs, .260? You can get that from most of the guys in this post. If he returns from the IL (that “if” is the size of Antartica), that’ll be when you’re gonna need to drop him. If you’re in a dynasty league, then I wouldn’t trade Tucker for “the hottest panang curry you have” at a Thai restaurant, but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.