Burnes Baby Burnes, What The Inferno Is Going On

I’m going to take you back to my top 100 for the 2nd half from about a month ago…[time machine spinning, you slowly growing back hair]…There, you’re 20 pounds lighter–how much Taco Bell do you eat?–and you can read where I wrote, “My 2nd starter, Corbin Burnes, has sub-8.5 K/9. He’s clearly not right. And he’s my number two starter!” And that’s me quoting me! My point was no starters are safe, even the number two starter in fantasy. What I was alluding to is Burnes’s underlying numbers have looked bad the whole season. Brewers were smart to move him. Though, I think they could’ve received more. Yesterday, Corbin Burnes went 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.28, and the start before he gave up 8 ER, then 7 ER in the previous 11 IP and I think you get the point. Things have not been better for Burnes, said Mr. Obvious as he danced the jig and saw. It’s not all bad news. His velocity seems fine, and his command is nearly impeccable. Things shouldn’t become more dire. There’s light, but he was always more of a 3.50 ERA pitcher than 2.50. Is he an ace? Well, my time machine doesn’t go forward, so that sucks. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Trevor Rogers – Optioned to the minors. Feel like he owes the Marlins an apology. Here’s a quick timeline for those who don’t remember: Rogers was traded to O’s; pitched poorly and said he received better analytics from the Orioles’ coaches with actionable feedback; continued to pitch poorly, then was sent down. Last thing Orioles’ coaches said to him, “Marlins’ coaches were right, there’s no helping you.”

Hector Neris – Signed with the Astros. “With a 3-0 record and 1.30 ERA, Hector Neris has to win the World Series MVP.” “I think you’re right, John.”

Spencer Arrighetti – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.94. Sp-Arrighetti or Carbonara Burnes? Man, tough question I pose to myself as I dream of carbs. It shouldn’t be close, but alas. Wish we could ask Al Dente.

Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, 2nd noteworthy game since return five games ago from the minors (that’s what we call in the business ‘cherrypicking’). Torkelson won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but if you need the occasional homer, and maybe he’s getting hot, then go for it.

 Kenta Maeda – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.42. Maeda’s season: Imagine a horse asking to become glue.

Justin Steele – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.07. Random prediction alert! Steele will give up 5 ER in another start this year when you most need him to throw a gem.

Miguel Amaya – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .221. Fun fact! Amaya was on The Real World: Hawaii.

Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 5 walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Have no insider knowledge (period) about Cole, but he was so clearly offered a scenario where, “You rest and rehab and you won’t hurt yourself more, but you won’t be 100% without surgery or you have surgery,” and he took this option: Five walks and two strikeouts! Who is this pitcher? Every start Cole has it’s, “1st time in his career he (something that is awful), but he gutted it out.”

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .241. He’s around the 60th best outfielder on the Player Rater, which is a 5th outfielder in every 12-team league, but that doesn’t tell the whole story. He is also my dearest Giancarlo and my beanbag dressed in his uniform cuddles me at night.

Aaron Judge – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 48th homer. At what point does someone knock on Roger Maris Jr.’s door and say, “Hey, man, stop papering your neighborhood with your plumbing business flyers about 15% off snaking, because we need you again?”

Gavin Williams – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.13. Gavin ain’t havin’ a good time.

Jason Heyward – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to become nine years younger.

Dominic Smith – Signed by the Reds. They definitely have a type. Reds have never seen a below-league-average corner man they weren’t interested in.

Nick Lodolo – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.76. This game vs. the Pirates has me trying to talk through how God awful this start was. Did I do something to cause harm to Lodolo and he must retaliate? Are we at war?

Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.16. There’s no timetable to shut him down. Why would there be? To save his arm? And hamper Big Tendon from giving him arm surgery? What kind of ghouls are you? Here’s a fun (sad) image (from before last night’s game, obvi):

Miles Mikolas – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.19 vs. Freddy Peralta – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Hey, an opportunity for me to plead my case again about changing the win rule to giving it to the pitcher who threw the most innings, no matter when their team takes the lead. Giving the win to a random reliever just because his team happens to get the lead, while he’s in the game, is very stupid. Ted talk done.

Adam Duvall – 3-for-3 and his 11th homer. There might’ve been fewer homers yesterday than any Thursday in history. Elias Sports Bureau? “We’re drunk.” Okay.

Spencer Schwellenbach – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.94. I don’t envy the choice of “needing innings” and “balancing a young pitcher’s arm.” Seems like teams make the wrong choice no matter what. They should shut down Schwellenbach, but will they? Schweems unlikely.

Cristopher Sanchez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.51. With two disaster starts in his last five but also one complete game, I really had no idea what to expect, so: Will take it!

Luis Severino – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.84 vs. Dylan Cease – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.43. This matchup was billed as, “Can we get the copy guy to stop saying ‘It’s The Ceaseverino! The Ceasemeister! The Severceasino!”

Jeffrey Springs – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.50. If nothing else Return From Tommy John Surgery Month has proven, guys recover from Tommy John surgery at different rates. When is Fully Recovered From Tommy John Surgery Month? No one knows. No desk calendar will tell us! You’re no help, Gregorian!

Osvaldo Bido – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.24. As I’ve said a few times this week, it is hilarious that I claimed so many A’ss starters for this week, because the Rays just don’t scare me. Consult with Streamonator going forward.

Ernie Clement – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .272, 2nd homer in as many games, 3rd homer in three games, 4th homer in eight games and going to be in this afternoon’s Buy column. Also, he’s about 400 spots higher on the Player Rater than Bo Bichette. Member him? I don’t, to be honest. Seriously, who?

Niko Kavadas – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. After his home run, he yelled opa and threw his bat into a fireplace. Who is Niko Kavadas? How about the Ambassador to Greece? No? A guy who looks like he might hit .150 with a handful homers? Opa! [throws his stats into the fireplace]