I’ll Buy Your Mirror, Nico

April 30, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 591 Comments

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(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH OR $13/MONTH WITH AN EXTRA WEEKLY PODCAST.)

Little Nico Hoerner said he could play middle or corner or any of the field’s orifices,
After a meeting in David Ross’s office.
He stuck out his thumb,
Indicating hitchhiking or he could play with aplomb,
And said, “Eric Sogard sucks, so here I am.'”

Not sure that’s how the poem goes, and fields don’t have orifices and, ya know what, ‘Can Stanza’ I can’t stands ya, and I don’t care. Give Nico Hoerner his playing time, we’re ready to run this shizz. *does a dance that can only be described as a mule that stepped on a nail* Hoerner has solid contact — 17% K% — and can get on base — 10% BB%. Can he hit .300 and makes the most sense as the Cubs’ leadoff hitter? Does the Pope root for the Mets to lose in heartbreaking ways? Yes, and emphatically yes. Will Hoerner hit for big-time speed and power? Does the girl in your office mean anything more when she asks you how you’re doing? No, no and no. Hoerner is a leadoff guy, though. Much more so than Anthony Rizzo, Willson Contreras or whatever David Ross’s office’s orifices are rolling out there most days. Hoerner could be a top season-long pickup if he sticks, and now I’m getting Hoernerier. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Rays Thank McClanahan For Being A Four Inning Friend

April 30, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 267 Comments

by: Grey

The Cleveland Starting Pitcher Factory (housed in a former The Old Spaghetti Factory) made its mark by producing low-priced alternatives that reduced meatball consumption. You might remember the host, Giuseppe, from the Dominican Republic, always mentioned his father loved “The Godfather.” Well, there’s another low-priced starter conveyor belt spitting out alternatives with nasty stuff, The Tampa Bay Rays Starting Pitcher Factory, which is in the back alley behind one of the 29 local-area Hooter’s ristorantes. The workers/coaches all wear hosiery, and manage to produce one fine-ass starter after another. Today’s starter was Shane McClanahan (4 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks), and excuse me while I put my eyes back in my head. His 92 MPH slider alone was like, “I’ll have some cheese, and the check please.” He partnered that pitch with a 101 MPH fastball, and I looked to grab him in every league. Honestly, I hadn’t seen stuff like that in some time from a prospect. I’d think of him like Michael Kopech. Solid handful of innings, who is rosterable in all leagues, but don’t drop anyone too valuable. The big concern for McClanahan is sometimes he losses the feel and the plate, so he could be prone to roofies, but I don’t put on hosiery and walk into a back alley of a Hooter’s asking for a factory tour for nothing. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Buxton Is The Cream Of Twin Keying In On Cleveland Pitching

April 29, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 492 Comments

by: Grey

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What could be if Byron Buxton could only stay healthy…*wavy lines* “Whoa, dream sequence! What’s this, a rainbow with a map to its natural end? I will follow this! Wow, only three years later to find the end of this rainbow, I should’ve drove! Hey, look…a pot! Let me see what’s in it…Gold? Meh, whatever…Ooh, Byron Buxton being a 40/20/.260 hitter in 162 games, and a battery for my calculator watch that I couldn’t find after the Radio Shack by me went out of business…this dream sequence is amazing!” *wavy lines* Oh, man, here I am still with a calculator watch that’s stuck on the 1’s and 2’s. Though, Buxton is healthy, but I don’t have him on any teams. Dreams don’t exist. Buxton is an easy top 10 outfielder in 2021, if he stays healthy. That “if” is the size of a Greek grandmother’s gams. Yesterday, he went 5-for-5, 2 runs with a slam (8) and legs (2). Hopefully, he stays working longer than this dumb watch. Also, in this game, Josh Donaldson (1-for-4) hit his 2nd homer, as he reminds everyone his initials are J.D. too; Jorge Polanco (1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st homer, reminding everyone they drafted him; Mitch Garver (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 3rd and 4th homer, and, after the game, he read on the broadcast a love letter sent to him by someone who he wouldn’t name, only holding up a tub of CoolWhip, wonder who that could be. Finally, Willians Astudillo (1-for-4) hit his 2nd homer, and he exclaimed, “Hot dog!” as he reached into his pocket and ate one as he rounded the bases. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Vlad Troikas The Nats

April 28, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 478 Comments

by: Grey

Every year, Vladimir Guerrero Jr. showed up at camp saying he was in the best shape of his life. He was like a Russian nesting doll of “Best Shapes.” Or a caterpillar. Shed one Best Shape, and reveal another Best Shape. Then another Best Shape gone, and another Best Shape emerged. “I think someone left their earth skin in the washing machine.” That’s the Blue Jays’ clubhouse attendant finding one of Vlad’s Best Shapes. Then, this year, Vlad, the Mini Impala, showed up at camp with his Best Best BEST Best Shape. A Best Shape to best every other Best Shape. And it’s the best. Last night, he went 3-for-4, 7 RBIs, as he hit three homers (5, 6, 7). He’s gonna hit 40 homers and .350, isn’t he? People are going to be talking about Vlad Jr. in a few years the way they talk about Mike Trout. He’s hitting for power without sacrificing average, and it’s gorgeous. Good for you, Vlad. I’m glad he finally is in the Best Best BEST Best Shape of his life. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Cedric The HRtainer

April 27, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 552 Comments

by: Grey

In March, World Famous Orioles Manager Brandon Hyde, lined up all his outfielders to get a lay of the land. “Anthony Santander, run to the fence and back…Trey Mancini, jumping jacks…Mountcastle, solve crimes in the English countryside…D.J. Stewart, play some funky beats…”

Then, one guy stepped forward, “Hey, what do you want from me, skip?”

Hyde stopped and looked this kid up and down, “Listen, if you want a World Famous Orioles Manager Brandon Hyde’s autograph, there are proper channels to go through.”

“Cedric Mullins, coach. I play for you, if you want.”

“World Famous Brandon Hyde doesn’t know you, but likes how you use third person.” And so began Cedric Mullins’s introduction. Yesterday, Cedric Mullins went 3-for-4, with two homers (2, 3), raising his average to .365, as he solidifies himself in the leadoff spot with a .419 OBP. Showing he’s not hitting wall scrappers, each home run was an ‘Okay, boomer’ with the second out to the deepest part of the field, and the first going out to Eutaw Street, the 1st homer of its kind this year. He got Eutaw-of-it. Mullins only has two steals so far, but he’s got 20-steal speed to go with his potential 17+ homer power. World Famous Orioles Manager Brandon Hyde has a ton on his plate managing the Orioles, and his fame, but Cedric Mullins has a left a lasting impression with the Orioles, and should be with you for fantasy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Gallen and MadBum Leave Braves Dizzy and Daffy

April 26, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 620 Comments

by: Grey

Congrats to Madison Bumgarner on his no-hitter (7 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.31) that isn’t counted by MLB because MLB doesn’t think 7-inning games are real things after making 7-inning games a real thing. MLB where logic goes to die, then Rob Manfred comes along, picks up logic, and chucks it into the garbage. The real story yesterday might have been the Braves who managed one hit in 14 innings. Yo, can I get a woof? In the 1st game daffy’ing the Braves was Zac Gallen (7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.16) as he threw a complete game shutout, which I guess gets an asterisk, too. MLB, embarrassing asterisks since 1961. Gallen should get a hairline fracture in his forearm more often. Maybe shave his other arm’s hair into a hairline too. Can you have too many hairlines? Can he shave hairlines into his legs too? What order on a waxing menu is “shaving a hairline into one’s leg?” A Brazilian nut? A Nice, but pronounced like the city in France, so it sounds like knees? Does the waxing menu have legs options? Someone who grooms their legs, let me know. Gallen is doing exactly what he does every year — 10.5-ish K/9, goofy command, and a 2-ish ERA. Pretty impressive how a hairline fracture in his arm didn’t slow him one bit, but it’s sidelining Cody Bellinger for weeks. Cool, fun stuff that isn’t causing me to have an ulcer at all. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Buy Alex And Take Kirilloff Your Next OF Purchase

April 23, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 539 Comments

by: Grey

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH OR $13/MONTH WITH AN EXTRA WEEKLY PODCAST.)

Kinda just want to quote all the delicious bits of tid I wrote in my Alex Kirilloff fantasy this offseason. Can I do that? It’s so good! Okay, here’s a few quick quotes, “Alex Kirilloff caught fire… in a Hot Girl Summer…in case you didn’t hear…I’m a…guy.” Hmm, those quote pulls aren’t so great. Will work on my ability to pull quotes in the future. So, go there and read that post if you want to know about Kirilloff. Nothing’s changed, except now I think he will be up today vs. early June, as I thought back in November. Actually, I think it, because it’s a fact. With Sano hitting the IL with “in not the greatest of shape,” Kirilloff was called up. So, let’s talk serious facts and stop jibber-jabbering on the yimmer-yammering, Alex Kirilloff could be Alex Verdugo from the moment he’s called up until the end of the season. Today, it’s all Alex talk. “Alexa, who’s more all Alex than other Alexes?” “I’m sorry, Grey, but that’s just nonsense.” “Okay, Alexa, can you tell me if they make spanx for men, maybe Manx?” “I’m sorry, Grey, but I quit.” Wow, this AI sucks. The Twins were playing arbitration games with Kirilloff, pretending Jake Cave was an outfielder, when he sounds like an off-brand Marvel character, but now that Kirilloff is up, he is a grab in all leagues. By the way, Arbitration Games was a great Backstreet Boys song. “Quit playin’ arbitration games with my heart…my heart.” Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Reds Bats & Bullpen Both Go Deep Six

April 23, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 390 Comments

by: Grey

The Reds’ bullpen are the Nasty Boys again. Not in the good way though. In the Janet Jackson way. . .Nasty, nasty boys, don’t mean a thing. Lucas Sims (1 IP, 3 ER) came in and pitched a clean, sexy 9th inning, like a closer might. Then the 10th inning came, and–did Amir Garrett sneeze on him? Yo, I put this CD-Rom in my computer, fired up the dial-up, and began to clothe my Sims family for this? Are you kidding? Reds’ bullpen is so bad, it made the Dbags’ pen look good, but only by comparison, because Kevin Ginkel (2/3 IP, 1 ER); Yoan Lopez (2/3 IP, 1 ER); Stefan Crichton (1/3 IP, 2 ER) trust me, are not good. I’m actually holding out hope that Joakim Soria returns as the closer, and I already know he’s gonna suck. Not because I’ve seen the future, but because I’ve seen the past! Eight home runs left Great American Ballpark yesterday, and they hadn’t seen so many dongs since Marge Schott was breeding bulldogs. Since there’s so many dingers, let’s get on the other side of the ‘anyway’ to go over them. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Lamet’s Lament

April 22, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 438 Comments

by: Grey

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Dinelson Lamet went 2 IP, 0 ER, 4 Ks as he was activated from the IL, and left with forearm tightness as he heads back to the IL. Last time I wrote about him, I wrote, “Will make season debut today or tomorrow, which puts him on pace for Tommy John surgery on May 12th, give or take three days.” And that’s me predicting the woefully obvious! I might’ve overestimated how long he’d stay healthy. The Padres should trade their trainers back to the Mets. Lamet could already be six months into his Tommy John rehab. Now he’s on pace for throwing a game when, August 2022? Could’ve been April 2022 if they would’ve reacted promptly. There’s no excuse. Sorry, if they won’t be the grownups, I will! Send him for surgery and bring up MacKenzie Gore! No one wants Dr. James Andrews to purchase a hot tub that fits inside his other hot tub like he’s got the Inception of hot tubs designed by Xzibit, but Lamet’s surgery needs to happen! *Grey angrily takes a bite out of laptop, sparks fly* Let’s go! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Just U Let It Out, U Release It Against Seattle

April 21, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 465 Comments

by: Grey

The Dodgers vs. Mariners series is a possible October matchup in April, or as I like to call it, “Who Will Mrs. Seager Love More? Kyle or Corey?” And it produced a fantastic start by Julio Urias (7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 11Ks, ERA at 2.81). You could even say eye-opening. Seriously, though, he looks great. Not him looking, necessarily. Seattle’s a pretty terrible offense right now. I saw Kyle Seager batting third, and I was like dubya tee eff on that my man, but then I looked at rest of the lineup, and there was no one else I would’ve put in that slot. They’re hitting two catchers in one lineup, like that’s a thing. Side note: That’s not a thing. Urias, though, I said this after his first start of the year, and I will say again after this awkward preamble, if I could go back to the preseason, I’d make him my sneaky NL Cy Young pick. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Paul Deux Dong

April 20, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 513 Comments

by: Grey

Around The Lou, Paul DeJong is colloquially known as Colonel Mustard, the Land Marshall, who is both dignified and dangerous who always rolls second. Or, uh, *counts the spots in the lineup* sixth. Yesterday, Colonel Mustard (2-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs) did it with a baton on the back of a miniature horse while riding through our nation’s capital. “Onward tiny chap!” The Colonel coaxed his horsie, not a pony, many people make this mistake, around the bases not once, but twice. His fourth and fifth homer-jaunts around the bases in this too-early-to-be-called-a-season season. Will the Colonel Mustard continue to *pinkie to mouth* musquerade as an All-Star General or will his dong-ability be more of a lowly private? A tiny horse, of course, can carry him to 30 homers, and a .250 average easily, and I won’t hear any neighs. My condiments to the Colonel. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Nola Goes Holy On STL And Permits No Cardinals In

April 19, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 496 Comments

by: Grey

*counting puffs of smoke out of a chimney* “One…two…Mama mia! It’s two puffs-a smoke-a!” An Italian boy rides his bike through The Vatican, swerving around bishops, priests and nuns. Finally, the Italian boy skids to a stop, tosses his bike down and runs into a chapel. Inside, he runs up to the altar, where a priest wears a DraftKings cap. “Father, they held the Cardinals to two hits?” “Holy See……….t!” There’s about 40 top twenty starters. Does that mean there’s 40 top 20 starters? Not exactly. There’s 40 starters who could sneak into the top 20 starter conversation. Then there’s about 20 starters who could sneak into the top 10 starter conversation. Then there’s about ten starters who could be a top five starter. Finally, there’s about five starters who could be the top starter. Aaron Nola is in that last group. Yesterday, Aaron Nola went 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.19, solidifying himself as a 10+ K/9, 1-something BB/9 ace. Holy See……….t, indeed. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Author: Grey

Read some of Grey's 4921 posts

I’ll Buy Your Mirror, Nico

Rays Thank McClanahan For Being A Four Inning Friend

Buxton Is The Cream Of Twin Keying In On Cleveland Pitching

Vlad Troikas The Nats

Cedric The HRtainer

Gallen and MadBum Leave Braves Dizzy and Daffy

Buy Alex And Take Kirilloff Your Next OF Purchase

Reds Bats & Bullpen Both Go Deep Six

Lamet’s Lament

Just U Let It Out, U Release It Against Seattle

Paul Deux Dong

Nola Goes Holy On STL And Permits No Cardinals In