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Buy A Fran Of The Mil OF To Replace Run-Of-The-Mill OF

September 7, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 272 Comments

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How does Franmil Reyes have such quick hand-eye coordination for a big guy?  Of course, it’s due to his 20/20 over 20/20 vision.  Franmil’s two-upping your vision!  Franmil Reyes isn’t just a big-time power hitter, he’s also the winner of the 1st Annual Kyle Blanks Look-A-Like Pageant.  You might remember Franmil’s now famous answer to the question, “California is going through a world-record drought, what would you do to solve this dilemma if you had one afternoon to spend with your doppelgänger, Kyle Blanks?”  Franmil took his time, then answered, “I’d go to the tallest peak in the Rockies with Mr. Blanks and we’d make snow angels, melting more snowflakes than Fox News and that water would roll into California.  I.e., This is my Fran-friction!”  I lifted myself from my Furby beanbag and cheered in my man cave.  Bless you, Franmil!  Bless you, child!  Also bless his power.  His batting average will come down some with a larger sample size, but there is no larger sample size than this 7-foot, 450-pound behemoth when it comes to dongs.  Sounded better in my head!  If you need power, I’d grab Franmil in all leagues.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Let’s Mejia For The Boy

September 7, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 122 Comments

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Francisco Mejia is quick to the ball, boy, oh, boy.  I watched his 1st career home run at-bat yesterday because there was only four games last night for the MLB because they went about the start of the fantasy football season like this:  Picture the scene in Braveheart when they moon the other side, then charge at them.  Okay, picturing Mel Gibson’s anti-semitic ass?  Good, now after the mooning, imagine instead of charging, they high-tailed it the eff out of there.  That was MLB last night.  “We ain’t even got time for a white flag, we’re going home to watch football!”  By the way, one more Braveheart note, was mooning really common of William Wallace and in the 1300s?  *Googles first known mooning in history*  Wow, Wikipedia says, “In 80 AD, Flavius Josephus recorded the first known incident of mooning.”  Yo, yo, yo, it’s Flava Flavius!  And I’m here to show you my big white ass!  Any hoo!  Francisco Mejia is going to be all over my cheap catcher radar in 2019.  Really hoping Austin Hedges gets traded, because time shares suck — except when they’re giving out $20 in free casino chips to just look at one! — and I don’t want Hedges muckety-mucking up my Mejia mmm muah!  (Say that fast 117 times!)  Yesterday, Mejia hit his 1st career homer, then, in his next at-bat, hit his 2nd career homer, going 2-for-4 with 4 RBIs.  He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, and, for this year, he’s in a platoon, but you know my cyclops has got that monocle.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Ohtani Boy, The Pipes, The Pipes Are Calling Dr. Andrews

September 6, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 206 Comments

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Everyone is so sad at the Shohei Ohtani news that he needs Tommy John surgery.  People being sad at this has me gobsmacked.  He had elbow problems when he signed with the Angels, then a Grade 1 sprain of his UCL became a partial tear in June.  He threw a whopping 25 IP the previous year.  Were people really ostrich’ing their heads into the sand to the point where they didn’t see the writing on the wall?  Of course, he needs Tommy John surgery.  How is this awful news?  It was awful news for Angels fans when we first heard of the elbow issues.  It’s not awful news now.  It’s actually great news because he has a chance to be healthy again in 2020, instead of becoming Garrett Richards, Tyler Skaggs, Matt Shoemaker and every other pitcher the Angels shoved towards PRP injections rather than getting them healthy.  Did people really think pitching a guy was the answer to a torn UCL?  Seriously, people thought this?  Sad news that people are surprised by the least surprising thing since finding out taco diarrhea burns.  This would be like a memo coming out of Nike headquarters that says something like, “This Kaepernick thing is great for business, who cares about the politics?”  You mean a company is trying to sell products?  Get out of here!  You want seriously sad news?  Ohtani and the Angels haven’t decided he will have Tommy John surgery yet.  That’s sad!  Maybe they’ll just let him be a hitter as he was yesterday (4-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and a double slam (17, 18) and legs (7) and mouth-to-mouth’d a baby chick back to life).  A torn UCL hasn’t looked that good since LiAngelo Ball tried to get paid twice from selling one ripped jersey in China.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Wade’r, There’s A 2.12 ERA In My Soup

September 5, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 182 Comments

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“That guy does not look familiar.”  “Which guy?”  “That guy on the mound.”  “The Wade Miley fella?”  “Yeah.”  “Did he used to serve us coffee at The Blue Danube?”  “I don’t think so.  That guy’s name was Ronnie.  And he had dreads.”  “But he was white.”  “Yeah, Ronnie was a white guy with dreads.  He looked like he had a smelly undercarriage.”  “I don’t disagree.  So… This guy… This Wade Miley guy… He just looks so unfamiliar.  He just threw a 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks start against the Cubs with a 2.12 ERA.  Do you know him?”  “No, but ever since we were talking about a white guy with dreads I’ve wanted to sing Informer by Snow.” Wade Miley as an ace and Bumble profiles that read, “5′ 7″, 120 lbs., fitness model who loves cooking and cleaning and sex” are often very similar.  Expectations and reality don’t always run hand in hand.  Before picking up Miley, do me one favor.  Ask Edwin Jackson owners how the experience was owning him.  Though since they’re probably your competition they may lie to you.  Those bastards!  Maybe you can ask Jackson yourself since he’s probably on waivers.  Can Miley be lights out?  I suppose, there’s not much time left, but there’s nothing jumping out that says he’s suddenly a Cy Young contender.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Nats Let Us Peek Under Their Robles

September 4, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 273 Comments

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The September roster expansion this year was a bit of a dud.  No Eloy Jimenez and no Vladimir Guerrero Jr.  It’s too bad what’s best for baseball and these young players is not what is also best for their teams.  Their rewards and our rewards are not aligned.  It’s like going into the supermarket for pluots and they tell you, “It’s pluot season.  Pluots are best this time of year.  You want to eat dem pluots now so they slobber down your chin like you’re a human St. Bernard.  So, we’re putting our pluots into liquid nitrogen to freeze them until mid-April of next year, and we will serve you pluots once their service time allows us to keep them an extra year.”  However, the Nationals are working on a different schedule apparently because they are calling up Victor Robles, i.e., to the Victor goes the spoiled pluots.  Where will Victor Robles play?  Haven’t a clue, Colonel Mustard.  Bryce Harper (1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer yesterday) goes to right and Robles plays center while Adam’s Eaton the pine?  Adam’s Eaton up time while Bryce goes to the bench because the Nationals know Harper is not in their future plans?  Robles just plays periodically unless something goes completely sideways and the Nats will pass ‘o Robles.  On Prospector Ralph’s top 500 fantasy baseball prospects, Robles is about as high a player can be who isn’t A) Not being called up this year.  B) Not already called up.  C) There’s no C.  To give you an idea of Robles’ profile, think Starling Marte without knowing his upside.  I will call you No Ceiling Marte.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Contenders Shop At Pretenders Like A Back-To-School Sale

September 3, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 246 Comments

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Real baseball is weird.  Real sportswriters are even weirder.  From Sportsnet.ca, “Donaldson trade marks abrupt split from Blue Jays after promising start.”  Abrupt?  Maybe I’m just heartless, but why would the Blue Jays be salty about getting rid of Josh Donaldson?  If he would’ve stayed with the club, he could’ve opted into a $18 million contract and been back next year in Toronto insanely overpaid and blocking Vladimir Guerrero Jr.  Then, from Sportsnet.ca, “But trading the star third baseman and cash to the Cleveland Indians, who visit Toronto next week, of all places?  Even the New York Yankees would have been a more palatable destination.”  I’m sorry, what?  Why are the Indians worse than the Yankees?  Because Edwin is there?  Because the Jays’ GM used to be in Cleveland?  Is this just bad writing?  Or is real baseball just odd.  I seriously have no idea.  Elsewhere, other sportswriters were talking about what a great move this was.  No wonder people come here and get floored when I say something about a guy like Josh Donaldson being overrated.  They’re being lied to everywhere else.  This was not a great move by the Indians.  Donaldson can’t stay healthy and has no place to play.  Maybe he can give them a solid at-bat off the bench, but Curtis Granderson might’ve been able to do that too.  Don’t worry, will get to him and all the other September roster news.  As they say at gang initiation, after the jump.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Buy Tyler White As He’s Breaking Better Than Skyler White

August 31, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 253 Comments

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You remember in Austin Powers when he gets his golf cart stuck in the tunnel and tries to make a u-turn and just goes back and forth unable to turn.  That’s how I feel going between Tyler White and Tyler O’Neill.  “Tyler O’Neill just homered…”  *backs up golf cart*  “Tyler White just homered…” *reverses golf cart*  “O’Neill now!”  *tries to turn wheel*  “White does it again!”  *gets out of golf cart and tries to move it manually, but have overestimated strength*  “O’Neill with a round tripper!”  *sighs, gets back in golf cart and checks Facebook menchies, overcome with helplessness of decisions*  I do not know which Tyler I would go with anymore.  Every day this week it has switched, sometimes it’s switched in the same day.  Tyler White is top four slugging percentage in the majors leagues when sorting by 100 plate appearances, but just as soon as you say that Tyler O’Neill will go and do something.  White is likely in a platoon, but when Ozuna returns, O’Neill will have same problems.  I’d own both, but White is my favorite…*sees O’Neill hit a homer, reverses golf cart*  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Rock The Voit

August 31, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 139 Comments

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Been extremely hesitant about mentioning Luke Voit (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer), because I really don’t think much of him.  He had a few good games that were amplified to 11 because of New York.  So crazy to me that a guy like Voit is amplified to 11, mean’s while, Miguel Andujar has a huge rookie year and it’s crickets.  Racist crickets, prolly.  Throwing shade like a lamp!  Voit will be in this afternoon’s buy column, but it’s going to be begrudgingly.  He feels like he’s a hot streak from Matt Adams-type that will disappear in a few games.  What’s Voit’s body type?  I’m trying to fit a once-round peg into a recently-skinny hole.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

C. Yelich Greets Reds With An Anagram

August 30, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 233 Comments

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Yesterday, Christian Yelich hit for the cycle, going 6-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .319.  Yelich has been sexier than that random porn that was released of him.  Speaking of porn (always a great intro to a sentence), you know you have a cougar problem when…True story, I woke up yesterday morning and Googled to see if there ever was a movie made called, Call Me By Your Ma’am with Kimothee ChalaMILF.  That feels like too much information, but I trust you with everything, except any identifying details about me in real life.  Any hoo!  Yelich!  Are you kidding me?  Keyword is kidding, because he looks like he’s 12.  Yo, you super pre-teen?  You in Stranger Things?  We’re at the point now when I’m starting to think about 2019, and Yelich, well, is there any way he’s not top 20?  Yelich or Springer?  Gotta be Yelich, right?  Yelich or Bregman?  Okay, tough call, but damn close.  He’s definitely better than Kimothee ChalaMILF!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Nola And Scherzer And Then It Got Worser

August 29, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 185 Comments

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Yesterday’s Nationals/Phils game tested my ulcer and said, “Mmm, acidic.” Starting off the calamity, Pat Neshek went 1/3 IP, 2 ER, and the blown save, ERA at 2.08.  Okay, if you’re a closer, you have to get the job done, but — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — why the eff can’t Kapler let him start an inning in a one-run game?  He let Tommy Hunter walk the lead-off man, then Neshek came in to allow a blast to Anthony Rendon (3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer).  Up next in the closerousel is…Hector Neris!  Kapler’s already ruined him once, so that gives you an idea of how long it takes for the Phillies’ closerousel to spin, about four months.  Then, Justin Miller came on to close the game for the Nationals.  But oh no, we will nearly blow!  Miller went 1/3 IP, 1 ER and was promptly pulled for…wait for it…oh, this is good…Greg Holland!  Who entered the game with a 6.09 ERA and has been so bad, he got chased out of St. Louie.  Yo, are Davey Martinez and Gabe Kapler running a lemonade stand?  Because I’m getting a real sour face.  In Washington, it’s likely Koda Glover or Ryan Madson’s turn next, but Holland’s got two lips, so he’s as good as anyone.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Assuming Urias Is Good For 2018 Makes You Or I An Ass

August 28, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 246 Comments

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The Padres began yesterday by lifting their brown, monk robe they purchased from the Dan Brown collection and showed their first twig of the prospect tree they have cloaked beneath:  Luis Urias.  Whenever you hear the Padres fans shout about their MI prospect — they scream, “Our Luis Urias,” and they sound like John McEnroe barking at a line judge.  BTW, you know you’re old if you’ve ever asked a barber to give you a Jimmy Connors, and then complained after they gave you a Pete Rose.  Podcaster Ralph and I go over Luis Urias on today’s pod, but, I will give you the general gist, which was also my high school band name.  You might remember General Gist from such noteworthy songs as, “Keep Me Near You Or Thereabouts.”  Urias is a solid all-around bat, think .300 hitter, without huge power or speed.  He’s young though, which means he could blossom, so remain calm.  For now, I will call you, Zen Bobrist.  I would grab him if you’re struggling at MI to see if he can catch fire and master Zen and the Art of MI Maintenance.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

I’m Likin’ This, I’m LiKendrys A Lot

August 27, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 298 Comments

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Don Mattingly and Ken Griffey Jr. sit in the airport, waiting for their flight out to Toronto, trying to make small talk, “How has post-Hall of Fame life been?”  “Good, good, how has post, uh, mustache life been?”  “Fine, yeah, fine.”  Finally, a Cooperstown employee approaches, “Where do you want Dale Long’s sarcophagus?”  “Are you not staying with it?”  “I was just told to deliver it.  Now, if Kendrys Morales breaks the home run record, you press this button on the side of the sarcophagus.”  Ken and Don look at each other and decide to try the button.  Dale’s sarcophagus opens and what resembles a crypt keeper says, “Wow, I can’t believe he broke our record.  That’s outta sight!”  And Dale’s mummified eyes spin like a slot machine.  This is reenactment of what Mattingly and Griffey are going through as they join Kendrys for the chase of their home runs in eight straight games record.  Yesterday, Morales homered in his 7th straight game, going 1-for-3, 2 RBIs, and that was his 21st homer.  I actually just picked up Kendrys Morales in my RCL league, after I picked up my jaw from surprise that he was still available.  He’s so smooth right now, they call him Kendrys Alba.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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