No one is playing baseball, which means there’s a lot of wives around the country telling their husbands to stop scratching themselves, and that’s just the wives of fantasy baseballers. Imagine those poor ballplayers’ wives. “Why do you keep spitting into my potted plants?” and “Stop with the complicated signs when you’re calling in our basset hound. He doesn’t understand.” We should be complaining about Bud Black not playing Sam Hilliard or Raimel Tapia while opting for Ian Desmond, but instead Bud Black is home deciding to go with mustard on his hamburger for the last 17 days and refusing to give ketchup a chance. Ketchup is good, Bud, give it a shot! New things don’t have to scare you! Vladimir Guerrero Jr. should be on the field, reminding everyone of his father, but instead he’s home reminding his father to wash his hands. After 1st hearing about the restrictions, Vlad Sr. replies, “Forget shaking hands, I wouldn’t even elbow bump with Moises Alou.” Since everyone has been home for the last two-plus weeks, we’ve culled all the important player news from around the league for your fantasy teams and bring it to you now:
Evan Longoria – In a bid to inspire people across the country, Longoria got some of his celebrity friends together to sing John Lennon’s Imagine. Ben Zobrist sang the part, “Juliana is Yoko!”
Shohei Ohtani – The pitcher, Shohei Ohtani, is struggling to social distance from the hitter, Shohei Ohtani. Michael Lorenzen is saying the same, but no one is taking him serious.
Miguel Sano – After showing up at camp in the best shape of his life, Sano put on 27 pounds in camp, and was no longer in the best shape of his life when he left, but, after 17 days of a quarantine, he’s now in best shape of life again.
Trevor Bauer – Spent afternoon playing an exhibition for all the kids he insulted on Twitter.
Shed Long – Mariners are treating Shed as a super-utility player. His main utility in April will be storing dry goods.
Bryce Harper – Phillies are preparing for the consequences of hairdressers being closed until the delayed start of the regular season by designing a Rastafarian-inspired Phillies cap for Bryce Harper. When asked if he likes the idea, Harper replied, “That’s a clown question, mon.”
Seranthony Dominguez – Doctors recommend Tommy John surgery. His UCL is fine. That was Seranthony playing Chris Sale. Acting!
Jose Altuve – Feeling good. He could fall in any direction with absolutely no fear of hitting into anyone and no longer has to worry about his shirt being ripped off.
Alex Bregman – Woke up screaming in the middle of the night. Turned out it was just a raccoon banging a trash can.
Kevin Newman – Has been recalled into duty by the Post Office reserves. The Pirates tried to send Kevin Kramer in his place, but the ruse was discovered when a colleague found only saltines in his briefcase.
Ke’Bryan Hayes – While staying home and trying to remain safe, he’s been struggling because his sister, Ko’rona, and his father, Pa’Ndemic, are everywhere.
Cavan Biggio – Has been spending time with his dad as Craig takes cheese balls off his padded forearm.
Joc Pederson & A.J. Pollock – Pitching a reality show to MLB Network called Lock and Joc, where the two play MLB The Show against each other with Pederson on the left side of the couch and A.J. on the right side.
Alex Verdugo – Annoying everyone in his house after making the, “Get off my back. I’m stressed,” joke for the umpteenth time.
Yadier Molina – Has been on edge as he is in the most vulnerable age group and seems to catch everything. He’s been muttering under his breath that less susceptibility is wasted on DeJong.
Fernando Rodney – Has been taking a bullpen cart from the bedroom to the living room every day. The good news is he wears a mask whenever he leaves the house. The bad news is it’s tilted so that it covers his left cheek and side of the neck.
Juan Soto – Still only 21 years old, but, after March, feels 60.
Rick Porcello – Has been telling anyone that will listen how he’s been flattening his curve for years.
Wander Franco – Changed his name to Shelter-in-Place Franco.
Lewis Brinson – Having an easy go of it as not making contact comes natural.
Gleyber Torres – The Yankees’ 2020 shortstop is living up to the standard of Yankee legend Derek Jeter by giving out gift baskets with such treats as Purell, 2% milk, and beef jerky.
Yasiel Puig – The Puig family have demoted Yasiel to AAA. He is currently towing cars.
Garrett Hampson – Worked with a chemist to isolate the 0.56% of Ivory Soap that is impure, bottled it, and sent it to Ryan McMahon.
Wade Davis – Was asked by his wife to come in and finish a crossword. The puzzle asked for a ten-letter word for “end of times,” and instead of ARMAGEDDON, Davis wrote, “COORSFIELD.”
