The 17th Annual Razzballies

It’s the 17th Annual Razzballies! Wow! They’re old enough to smoke weed, and drink beer while pretending not to drink beer or smoke weed! Next year, the Razzballies are going to join the Army while leaving behind their three-month-old and girlfriend. The Razzballies are going to be a prestige movie starring Timothée Chalamet as the Razzballie! Gotta be honest, Timothée is a little effete. It’s Timothy, boy! Straighten up your back! Welcome back to our year-end awards show! If there’s any issues with the award ballots, don’t look at me. These were all tabulated at the accounting firm of Fried, Kremer and Bregman. Stop giving them the evil eye, Max Kepler! You might be wondering why I’m hosting. Well, at the last minute our other host had to back out. Sadly, Joe Buck couldn’t be hair. I mean here. HAHA…Wait a second! I just want to thank everyone. I appreciate all of you, except Gunnar Henderson. The O’s moved the fences in, you schmohawk! Okay, enough foolery, Tommy boy, now onto the awards, without which you’d have no idea who was the best and worst hitters and pitchers this year, and you’d be left giving out your own awards and no one cares if your “Low sodium tomato soup in a sourdough bowl” won your “Whitest Person’s Lunch Of All-Time” award. Stop making up fake awards! Leave that to me! Anyway, here’s the year-end awards for the best and worst of 2025 fantasy baseball:

Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player – Thinking about starting a land war in Asia in an alternative universe where Shohei Ohtani was not allowed to come to MLB. Don’t worry, we’re in the right timeline now. Thanks to me! I’m like Dr. Who meets Dr. Who Gives A F*ck. The past two years have been wild for top hitting seasons of all-time — Acuña in 2023, then Ohtani. This year? Not close to a top season all-time. Oh, there were great seasons from the top three, but Shohei Ohtani hit close to the same number of homers this year, with 39 fewer steals! It took more than 100 years for a season to crack the best seasons of all-time, then we had it in back-to-back years from two different players? That seemed unreal. Are we sure Manfred is not just seeing who the top player is in August, then feeding them bouncy balls in September? Wait, that is likely what he’s doing, but this year the bouncy balls went to The Ass Man in Seattle, and he didn’t steal 50 bags. The difference between Ohtani and the runner-up Judge last year was ten dollars in value. The difference this year between the top three? Under four dollars. More in the next award.

Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – I’d like to congratulate Cal Raleigh. There’s no but here, except his. He did the unheard of, and rose to heights no one thought was possible for a catcher in Seattle. It’s not even a hitters’ park! He was the first non-Yankees American League player to hit 60 homers. Seriously, the hyperboles have hyperboles and those hyperboles brought their own superlatives and they’ve still run out of descriptors for his huge ass season. Cal had the most valuable season as far as draft price that I can ever remember (granted, my brain is fried), which is why that’s the award he wins down below and the AL MVP award is Aaron Judge‘s. Weird thing about Judge is he’s been far and away incredible three of the last four years. Perhaps the best three years in a four-year span we’ve ever seen. The weird part? He’s consistently overshadowed by insane years from others. 2022 was his year to bask, but his crazy 2024 was overshadowed by Ohtani and this year–Well, you know the Bat-Signal? Judge was overshadowed by a Butt-Signal.

Fantasy AL Cy Young – Garrett Crochet beat out Tarik Skubal, which might be the most surprising award here. Judge beat out Raleigh, which is only surprising if you get swept up in narratives. Crochet beat out Skubal, and there’s no narratives. It was just one insane year edging another insane year in the final two weeks. Crochet ended with a $36.4 value on the Player Rater and Skubal’s was $35.4. In the end, it was the 18 wins vs. 13, which helped Crochet sew it up.

Fantasy NL Cy Young – My top ranked AL pitcher was Tarik Skubal, my top ranked NL pitcher was Paul Skenes. “Never trust starters” gets jabbed in the face and staggers against the ropes, falling over. Wait, it’s rising again with Hunter Brown, Cristopher Sanchez and Carlos Rodon being top ten starters and being drafted nowhere there! In truth, starters suck. Paul Skenes has put up two of the best seasons ever to start a career, but without wins, his fantasy value, while great, was $5 less than last year’s best NL pitcher, Chris Sale. There were actually two AL starters (Crochet and Skubal) better than Skenes this year. Though, give Skenes’s Crochet wins and he’s the top starter in baseball. Gonna start calling Skenes, Big No Decision, which is gonna sound dumb in 2030 when he’s on the Yanks.

Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – For the seventh year in a row, this could go to Anthony Rendon–Hold on, the accountants are signaling me. I can’t hear you from seven feet away! Walk across my mom’s basement and the beautiful shag carpet, and whisper it to me! It’s not Rendon? Okay, Gunnar Henderson–Not him either? Even if I really want it to be him? Damn, that’s a shame. This year’s AL Least Valuable Player is…Yordan Alvarez! Come up and get your award! [Yordan tumbles up the stairs and cracks three ribs] Sigh.

Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – I’m giving this award to Brenton Doyle–Crap, I’m being told we don’t have this award to give to Doyle because Nolan Jones still has it from the previous year. Well, at least I know it can’t be Hunter Goodman next year! Ugh, the accountants are telling me it can be Hunter Goodman next year. Runners-up for this award was everyone on the Braves, except Drake Baldwin.

Most Valuable Player Based On Draft Price – Ya know what’s cool to dream about? No, not marrying the partner of your dreams and having kids who don’t hate you. That ship’s sailed! What’s cool to dream about is drafting the most valuable player based on value every year in every league. You could do it, but do you? Last year, it was Brent Rooker, and all you needed to draft him was to believe in the A’ss. Holy crap, guess who won this year?! Cal Raleigh. That’s exactly what Raleigh did this year: holy crap. Every day. You could’ve had him in every league, if you had the foresight to draft him. It cost you around a 110th overall ADP, and nearly was 1 of 1. Will save most of this for preseason ramblings, but it’s why it’s always goofy when people ask which draft slot they should want. The 111th draft slot! That one!

Fantasy POS – In sucks if you drafted this guy, but if you backed up your draft day bet with a bet that he’d be Fantasy POS, you would’ve done amazing! At the start of the year, he was 100 to 1 odds to be Fantasy POS. What an incredible return on a $1 investment. Sad that it took a $25 investment in auction drafts to get this year’s Fantasy POS, Emmanuel Clase. Pay the line.

Top SAGNOF – Jose Caballero/Carlos Estevez – Remember, the essence of SAGNOF is cheap saves and steals. Caballero beat out his former teammate, Chandler Simpson by simply playing more. I imagine Chandler’s about to go on a multi-year run like Forrest Gump. As for Estevez, he was the most pure, distilled version of SAGNOF for saves. He was the everclear of SAGNOF. Available in all drafts without a top pick and all those saves.

Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – “You really think this year’s breakout is gonna be Jo Adell? What year, am I right? Haha, kidding! Wow, this April is terrible! Goodbye forever! Wait a second! This May isn’t bad! I have to pick him up, right? Wow! What a ride! This June is insane! I love Jo Adell!!!…Welp, the honeymoon’s over, I guess. Hello, Jo Adell in August!!! We’re back on! Goodbye, Adell, you’re cold…hello, Adell, you’re hot…goodbye cold! Hello hot! Hey, Grey, Adell’s stopped hitting. Hey, Grey, Adell is hitting. Hey, Grey is Adell hitting or not? …Hey, Grey!!! HEY GREY!!! Adell!!! HEY GREY!!! Adell!!!” [smoke rises from your ears]

Player You Had Forever and Most Likely Should’ve Dropped – Royce Lewis had some steals late in the year. I’m telling you that straight-forwardly because if you had him, you likely weren’t paying attention by September. Runner up: Sandy Alcantara.

Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up And It Cost You – “Who do you want me to pick up? Geraldo Perdomo? Jerry Once A Domo? Nah, I’m good.”

Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – “Okay, I’ll grab Trevor Rogers for his start, but I’m dropping him right afterwards.” *five months later* “Hoping Trevor Rogers starts in my H2H finals, he’s my most reliable starter.”

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – “So, when does Trevor Story get hurt? Mid-April?” Runner-up: Byron Buxton.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin – “Pete Crow-Armstrong is one of the greatest of all-time in the 1st half. He is unstoppable!” Oopsie.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It – Nathan Eovaldi managed to provide a little bit value past his sell-by date, even if he threw so many innings he can no longer lift his arm.

Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – “After June, Kyle Schwarber is Cooked City, I’m getting out now! Trading him for Pete Crow-Armstrong!” Three days into July, “This is the worst mistake of my life.”

Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted – “Grey, I know you say don’t trade in the preseason, but I just got Yordan Alvarez and Bryce Harper for Cal Raleigh and Jose Ramirez! I’m to winning what winning is to losing!”

Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – “Hey, mom, do you know where the remote control is–OH MY GOD AARON NOLA WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY FANTASY TEAM STOP!! GET OFF OF HER!!! THAT’S MY MOMMY!!!” Then Aaron Nola impregnated your mother and left you to raise your sibling, but thankfully Roki Sasaki says he’ll help, as soon as he gets back from rehab.