99 Bottles Of Buy On The Wallner

If you blink at Matt Wallner‘s stats, you can see how he could be a perennial 30+ homer guy hitting .250+. Not a hard blink either, but a fast, something-in-your-eye flutter. If you blink super fast, you see ATT. If you blink super, super fast, you see TWA. Lots of old brands. Don’t see Wetzel’s or L.L. Bean, though, so I know I’m not just wandering around a mall, blinking my eyes real fast. I’m not, right? You’d tell me? Wallner’s Statcast is one of the more interesting ones you’re gonna see. If I may:

The bat speed, barrel and average exit velocity jump off the page to me. And I’m not even blinking anymore, kinda causing my eyes to go dry. The xBA is hilarious. I’ve said before how xBA is a dumb stat, that is massively flawed, but here it’s just nutty. Yes, he hits everything in the air — good! — and he strikes out a lot — not good, but we can deal — but he walks a lot — excellent — and makes fantastic contact — uh, fantastic! He’s a .240 hitter with neutral luck, and he currently has 20 homers in only 275 at-bats. If you’re looking for a sign to pick him up, I’m blinking again. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! This post was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:

BUY

Kyle Teel – Haven’t mentioned much that the White Sox are carrying three catchers on their roster, since I don’t talk much about the White Sox because they’re the Shite Sox and they sux. How’sever, Teel has been hot for redrafts, and looks like an interesting guy for a deep keeper, if that’s your thing. He’s likely around a 17/7/.270 catcher with upside. It’s app-Teel-ing. Take it, Highlights, it’s yours!

Gabriel Moreno – You hit multiple homers as a catcher, sit under 50% rostered, and guess what? Gabby, you’re a Buy!

Jared Triolo – To work on this post, the first thing I do is go to the 7-Day Player Rater and look who’s been hot at each position. Triolo? Was hot at every position, except catcher.

Gavin Sheets – When doing research for Sheets, I found he was a prospect with 70-grade power. His previous high for homers was 15 in 124 games. After doing research for Sheets, I am now followed around the internet by ads for breathable, microfiber, cotton sheets.

Jeff McNeil – It’s always interesting to me how some guys make a career out of being incredibly mediocre. McNeil hasn’t been good defensively in years, and only good once offensively and that was during The Year of the Bouncy Ball in 2019. He made an entire career out of a lack of floor managers in the Rawlings baseball plant in Costa Rica.

Jorge Polanco – Kinda surprised to find him available in leagues. He’s basically been a top 10 2nd baseman all year. Tail end of that, of course, but still. He’s around Bogaerts and Gleyber’s hang zone, but JoPo is less rostered than both of them by 25%, which sells him a little short and maybe them a little, uh, tall?

Brett Baty – Ya know I can twist myself into just the wrong kind of knots to see Baty as a possible sleeper for next year. Beware the contortions!

Javier Sanoja – If you say his last name by punctuating each syllable, it sounds like something a Jamaican DJ shouts into the mic at a rave. SAN! OH! JAH! It’s Jamaican for spiritual energy, I’m told. It’s quite beautiful. What I’m struck by a lot of the guys in this post, they make a lot of contact, and SAN! OH! JAH! is the latest. It’s shame it’s not the best of contact, but speed/power/yadda.

Carson Williams – Gave you my Carson Williams fantasy. It was written while also talking about Jhostynxon Garcia, who was optioned to the minors today, so ignore him, and pretend I learned to spell his name for my health.

Mark Vientos – I went back to look at what made me so excited about Vientos coming into this year because, brucely, I had forgot. He hit 27 homers and .266 in his 1st full year in 111 games! No wonder why I liked him! He cut his strikeouts this year and everything else, unfortunately — power, average, OBP, man, what a hideous follow-up to a promising 2024, but, sigh, he’s been hot recently.

Luis Matos – He’s been hot in part-time duty, so why don’t you pick him up? What’s the Matos, chicken?

Giancarlo Stanton – He’s about to turn 36 years old and he has a 48% Hard Contact rate. Ohtani leads the majors for qualifiers with 44%! Wonder if Giancarlo was able to find a way to throttle his power, because he only needs 90% of that Hard Contact to hit a ball out, if that would’ve helped him stay healthy. He could’ve hit 600+homers with better health.

Colton Cowser – Earlier this week, I coined Colton Wowser and people from the Bureau of Don’t Do That tried to locate me, but I hid under my car for three hours. Showed them!

Justin Verlander – This is a Streamonator call like the call it makes to its local DJ.

Brady Singer – This is also a Streamonator call. “You played this song, Mr. Roboto, and it was very insulting.”

Abner Uribe – Kinda think this will be Shelby Miller, but maybe it’s Uribe. My gut says Miller because the Brewers are cheap eh-eff organization and anything that adds to the bottom line gets clappety-clipped.

Riley O’Brien – Trying to get a grasp on the Cards’ pen is like sand running between my fingers while standing in an hourglass. Poetic, right? Hell yeah! So, JoJo Romero is also here. In the hourglass, with me and Riley! Still poetic!

Jose Ferrer – Saw him listed now on some sites as Jose A. Ferrer and I have to say, you need at least one 30-save season before you can start adopting new initials and shizz. Kinda reminds me of Tyler Phillips in Miami. He closed one game for the Marlins and, when he entered the game, he slapped himself like crazy to get pumped up. Cool and all, but he had a five-something K/9 at the time, and you can’t slap yourself with that pathetic of a strikeout rate. Time and a place here, guys.

Tanner Scott – His underlying numbers actually don’t look that bad, if he’s healthy, which is an “if” the size of Cal Raleigh’s ass.

Ryan Walker – Speaking “if healthy,” Randy-Rod’s not. Don’t read that fast so it’s Randy-Rod snot. Don’t even refer to that. Don’t ask questions about that in mixed company, you don’t need that kind of heat.

Andrew Saalfrank – After a save, he should mimic Porky Pig and say, “Th-th-th-th-that’s Saalfrank!”

SELL

Dylan Crews – Only rule I hold myself to these Sells (they’re really drops, except in keepers) is they’re rostered in 100% of leagues, and being meh on the 30-day Player Rater. Enter: Crews. He’s had a MLB career so far to forget. Top prospect pedigree and nothing but a Nadir Bupkis-type statline. If this were a keeper, I wouldn’t trade Crews for a creepy lawn gnome that reanimates after a curse and wants to kill me, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and analyze some trades.

Teoscar Hernandez – Sigh, it’s come. The time. He’s been bleh for most of the year, and every time I think he’s coming out of it, he either hits another slump or gets banged up. I don’t know if he’s washed. He could be. Washed comes for all our faves. Trout’s currently washed, Mookie’s looking washed. Adolis? Pretty washed. Scrub-a-dub-dub, they are no longer taking dubs. Wouldn’t be in all leagues, where I’d lose Teoscar, but the shallowest leagues, it’s time to move on. Also, if this were a keeper league, I wouldn’t trade Teoscar for a brand redesign from the team behind the new Cracker Barrel logo, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and analyze some trades.