Here’s a post that’s gonna make you wanna slap ya mama and tell her Don Magic Juan sends his best. The other day I told you how to draft your pitchers for 2021 fantasy baseball. I laid it out to you nice and simple (if you have a degree in “What The Hell Is Grey Talking About?” Not a PhD, mind you. Just a BS.) Today, we forget all that jabberwocky on the who-ha and get down to business old school-style (which means if you don’t comprehend, I will hit you over the head with a baseball bat signed by Joe Clark.) What I’m hoping to lay out to you is who do you draft 2nd, if you’ve drafted so and so first. I think it might be helpful to go through pairings for your 5 outfielders, all your middle and corner infielders too. I’m not sure I’ll have the time or patience to do them. We’ll see! Or not. Your choice. (Actually, my choice.) For easy reference, the royal we will be using the top 10 for 2021 fantasy baseball, top 20 for 2021 fantasy baseball, and the beginning of the top 100 for 2021 fantasy baseball. I’m going to assume you’re in a 12 team, 5×5, MI, CI, 5 OF, 1 Utility, 1 Catcher league, similar to our Razzball Commenter Leagues. (Sign up for multiple leagues, and beat the heck out of your frenemies or make new frenemies!) Anyway, here’s some pairings for the first two rounds of 2021 fantasy baseball drafts:
1. Ronald Acuña Jr. – Was just going through some old rankings, and I saw ESPN ranked Acuña 18th overall, the year I ranked him 4th. El oh–*coughs* I hope that’s me coughing from their stupidity and not Covid. That’s two years ago, so it might’ve slipped your mind how dopey that is now, but that’s super dumb. What kills me is when I see people commenting on ESPN articles or tweeting at the ESPN ‘perts like they know what’s flying. Actually, I’ll give them a tad bit of deference, I’m not sure they actually are the ones doing the rankings. Wouldn’t surprise me at all if they have an intern do the rankings, and then the ‘perts do their own thing in drafts. Not even joking, because, as someone who is in drafts with them, they don’t seem nearly as stunod in the drafts as their rankings would lead you to believe. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m not exactly impressed by their drafting, but every time I’ve called them on their on-site rankings, they say something along the lines, “Oh, yeah, I’d draft so-and-so way higher (or lower) than that,” as if they’re not doing their own rankings. Who is doing them? I honestly haven’t a clue. Wow, that was a sidetrack. Any hoo! If you draft Acuña 1st, you can literally draft any other player 2nd. No, not Jacob Stallings. I mean, anyone who is that correct range in my rankings. I’d even take another outfielder (Bryce Harper, Lou Bob, Eloy), but I’d lean on taking a corner or middle infidel (Devers, Abreu, Machado, Arenado, Bichette, Mondesi, Bogaerts, Tim Anderson, literally name the player). I purposely left off Albies as a potential 2nd rounder, because, while I don’t mind guys from the same team, I’d prolly not do it with my first two picks. Just no reason to double up. For those thinking, how can you take Bichette, Devers, Harper, Lou Bob or others, if you’ve ranked them so much higher than where a 2nd pick would be if you got Acuña? Well, their ADP says they could be there around time for a 2nd pick, so pick one! (I will goose your nips with a loving purple nurple if you own Lou Bob and Acuña after two rounds. Mother, may I?!)
2. Fernando Tatis Jr. – Last year ESPN had FTJ ranked 43rd overall. Okay, I’ll stop now. Last year, I told you in this post that you should go Acuña and Tatis as your 1st two round picks. Funny that you still seem to be looking around for other fantasy baseball advice. Honestly, do you read other sites to see what not to do? Can you imagine drafting a starter here instead of one of these glorious sexpots? It’s pretty comical. As P.T. Barnum once said, “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the people, and I told you to make up a sign for peanuts for sale. Not penis! This is a children’s show!” So, FTJ is similar to Tildaddy above, but MI vs. OF. So, Mondesi, Anderson and other SSs (SSs? Are we talking like snakes?) are off the board. I’m not going Machado, because, while I do like him, double Padres sounds great if you’re looking to start a Trappist beer company, but I’m not doing it in drafts, pun noted, and avoidable but I was too lazy to avoid it. Okay, enough on who I wouldn’t take. Tatis and Devers? I will legit hug my computer screen. Tatis and Lou Bob? Do you want to see a grown man cry from happiness? Tatis and Eloy? Tatis and Abreu? Tatis and any White Sox hitter? Okay, but not Adam Eaton. Tatis for James Shields? Stop making White Sox fans cry. Tatis and Bryce? If he’s there, why not, homeslice? Tatis and Arenado? Honestly, I really like how that sounds. Tatis covers your tuhkis with steals and Torenado whips up a storm of power and counting stats.
3. Juan Soto – Sexy Dr. Pepper is different than the previous two. You Juan soda? You better Juan steals right after. Sexy Dr. Pepper and Bo Bichette sounds NC-17. Are we allowed to talk about how sexy that pairing is? Maybe/maybe not. Soto and Adalberto Mondesi? People used to be arrested for things I’d do to that pairing. Soto and Devers? Hey, I wouldn’t kick it out of bed, but may I suggest you turn around and draft Lou Bob or Tim Anderson with your third pick? Or anyone with some gee-dee steals. Soto and Albies? Let’s just dissect: That gives you 70/25/.300 after two rounds. Put that up against Tatis and, say, Bogaerts: 69/42/.290. Hey, that passes the sniff test and isn’t anywhere near an eau de toilette. Would I do Soto and Abreu? Ain’t gonna lie, I would, but, again, turn around and grab steals with your next pick, or at least put that chestnut in your cheek that you need steals later. And, yes, I heard Soto wants to steal more bags this year, but, at this point in the year, Giancarlo is saying he knows how to stay healthy this year, if you catch my drift. So, Sexy Dr. Pepper and another outfielder? Yes, I would. As said in Acuña’s blurb, I have no problem with two OFs in the 1st two picks. You better not draft another OF for a good five rounds, though. Soto and Eloy? Okay, take what I just said and put a partial cross-out through it. Take another OF, but at least one with some steals. Sexy Dr. Pepper and Lou Bob? That’s How to Love, Lil Wayne.
4. Mookie Betts – This post is on pace for 4,000 words, so I need to stop jibber-jabbering, which is more jibber-jabbering *smacks self across the face* Focus! Okay, so Mookie Best is Tatis, but in the outfield. Bit less on speed, but more average, but tomato-tomato said with a different emphasis. Trying to think of someone I wouldn’t draft immediately after Betts, and I’m coming up with zero. I’m shorting stonks and betting Betts with everyone. Betts and Torenado? You best not come near me because if I draft them, I’m going to hug you. Betts and Tim Anderson? You have such a beautiful foundation I’d frame you and put you up on my Wall of Fame. Betts and Bogaerts? Reunited and it feels so good! Betts and Devers? Reunited and it feels so good, Part 2. Betts and Eloy? Yes, even that. Unlike Soto, Betts brings enough speed that he can go with a power bat (also, think Abreu). Betts and Mondesi? Honestly, I would, but you’re weak on ribbies and boy needs to eat. Similar to Anderson. Betts and Machado? Now I’m engorged.
5. Mike Trout – Even though Mike “King Jersey Diner-in-a-Mall” Trout is baseball royalty, there’s a reason why he’s in a tier below the top four. I want more speed with a Trout pairing than any OF mentioned above. Do you ruin your team with Trout and Harper as your 1st two picks? Not especially, but you’re putting yourself in a hole. Did I call you an a-hole? I might’ve, slyly. Trout and Mondesi sounds like the best thing since sliced bread, and sliced bread is all things to all people. Trout and Bogaerts? Like the quarter of Harrison Ford that is Jewish, not too shabby! Trout and Albies? Are we reaching? I don’t know, but I do love it. Trout and Lou Bob? That’s perfect; the future and now, and you’re bending time. Trout and Devers? Honestly, it’s hard to kick it to the curb, but you really should be trying to find speed. Trout and Eloy? I hate to say it, but nah. Trout and Tim Anderson? Exactly. Trout and Abreu? It’s not great, but Trout and Machado is. Trout and Bichette is, no kidding, likely the best combo you’re gonna find with him, barring someone bizarre falling like Trevor Story.
6. Trevor Story – How again did I not rank Story above Trout? They’re in the same tier, so for all intents and purposes, they’re interchangeable, but every time I look at these two picks back-to-back I think how I prefer Story. I guess Story has a possible trade hanging over his head and Trout’s a tad safer. Though, Story gets traded to, say, the Cards, he doesn’t lose nearly as much value as Arenado did. Any hoo! Story works with all, except shortstops. Since Story’s ADP is a little later than I have him ranked (inconceivable!), you might even be able to get Story and someone like Bellinger, which is goofy amazing. I don’t know how anyone else is competing with you if those are your first two picks. Story and Yelich, Jo-Ram and Freeman are also possible. As I write these out, I kinda want the sixth pick. Can someone beat me if I’ve drafted Story, Bellinger, Devers and Luis Castillo with my first four picks? I’ll be honest, I don’t think so.
7. Trea Turner – Not at all like Story. Not really like any of the previous pick pairings. I don’t know what to make of Treat Urner’s power, and I’d assuming less than 20 homers, and 30+ steals. He’s also a plus on average, so pair with him a power corner bat? Yes. Abreu? Give me. Freddie Freeman? Of course! Bellinger? I’ll pay you to let me get Bellinger with my 2nd pick. How much you want? Treat and Yelich? Absolutely. Of course, avoid steals guys and shortstops. Urner and Mondesi? You have screws loose. Urner and Lou Bob? Meh, not my favorite. Doesn’t kill you, but Turner and Cody, Freeman, Machado, Arenado or Eloy? Yes5.
8. Francisco Lindor – Similar to Story in that Lindor’s ADP is actually after this, so weird pairings like Lindor and Bellinger are possible with Bellinger as actually your 1st pick. Lindor matches up with everyone that worked for Story, too. Not quite an even match with Treat, though, because Lindor has better power. Ideally, you offset Lindor’s potential weakest categories of average and RBIs without doubling up on shortstops. Hence, ergo, therefore: Freeman. Not exactly a match with Bryce Harper, due to average. Not exactly a match with Lou Bob, same reason. Devers might be hitting 2nd, but his average helps, so I’m fine with that pairing. Lindor/Yelich? How about yes/great. Lindor/Bellinger, don’t mind/if I do.
9. Jose Ramirez – Reunite him with Lindor? Sure, but I’d love even more average to offset Jo-Jo Ram’s. You’re perfect on speed/power with Jo-Ram though, so you can go anywhere except for a 3rd baseman. Take Devers off the board. Put Freeman on the board. Take Machado off the board. Put Bo Bichette on the board. Take Bryce Harper off the board (average concerns). Put Bellinger, Yelich or Bogerts on the boardgerts. Eloy works, of course, but you’re so deep in the 1st round, I wouldn’t be surprised if you could go Jo-Ram/Bellinger/Eloy, if you wanted to, making Eloy your third pick. I’m so confused how I’m able to get such a great first three rounds, but when schmohawks are drafting guys like Trevor Bauer in the top 12 overall, it’s very possible.
10. Cody Bellinger – As I’ve said a few dozen times in the last few weeks, Bellinger is really a top five overall pick, coming at an insane discount this year. He’s a 40/10/.280 hitter in one of the best lineups in baseball. It’s kinda silly how late you can get him this year. Not sure if all of you can truly appreciate that you can draft Bellinger/Yelich with your first two picks. Or Bellinger and Freeman. Or Bellinger and Bichette. Or Bellinger and Story. Or Bellinger and literally anyone. Bellinger should be a top five pick. Due to his multi-position eligibility, I’m not sure who you cannot draft with Bellinger. Oh, I know — Trevor Bauer! (Or any starter.)
11. Christian Yelich – Similar to Bellinger without the position eligibility, so Yelich and Freeman? Yes, one thousand percent. Yelich and Harper? Meh, it’s okay, but I bet you can do better. Yelich and Bichette? Okay, I love it. Yelich and Machado? Sign me up. Due to ADP, you’re likely looking at Yelich and Lindor or Mondesi and I’m looking at enjoying all that. Of course, any Yelich pairing that was mentioned above too. I.e., Yelich and Story? I mean, c’mon, how are people letting others take these two? That’s unfair.
12. Bo Bichette – Ya know, as I dictate dis post to the 100 monkeys typing it up — *cracks whip* It’s THIS not DIS! — I’m starting to think I can actually draft one, if not two of my top 12 in a lot of leagues. It’s so sweet having goofs drafting Trevor Bauer, Giolito, etc. in the top two rounds. I can’t believe people are going to give me Bellinger/Bichette to start a draft. We’re about to cash a lot of leagues this year. As for Bichette, anyone but a shortstop, and all the pairings already mentioned in this post. Loving the thought of Bichette and Devers, but you can prolly do Bellinger/Bichette/Devers in most leagues. I am honestly laughing at how awful some other teams are gonna be compared to my first three rounds if I land them. About to tell everyone to give me the 12th pick and just watch me collect wonderful.