And so it begins… are you ready? I SAID, ARE YOU READY!?!?!? Put on your finest man-thong, blaze up a fatty, blare THIS at max volume, and get hyped for opening day. My red eye is gushing so hard right now that I truly need a supersize man-pon. I fully expect this to be the greatest season in MLB’s wondrous history, with my contributions changing the face of fantasy baseball for our children’s children. Remember me for what I become, not for what I am… Or is the other way around? Either way, the season is on the verge of commencing and I’ve yet to lavish upon you my opinions on who will implode and who shall conquer. Fantasy baseball isn’t a game, for it’s a lifestyle and I chose this LIFE. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I am Tehol Beddict, and this is Disgrace/Delight, Pitcher edition. TAKE HEED!!!

Be sure to check out my Football prowess over at the Razzball Football pod (with the OFFICIAL RAZZBALL Game of Thrones podcast starting tomorrow!)

 

Pitchers I expect to Delight in 2016

Stephen Strasburg – Shall we give this one last try in Strasy’s contract year? This tantalizing tart struck out a pube-scorching 37% of the batters he faced over his last ten starts of 2015. For much of last season, I served Strasburg verbal tube steak, as he disgraced himself to levels I never believed fully possible, making me feel like the most hyped up pitching prospect in baseball history was finished! Burg did this to us in 2014 as well, as I’m sure you recall, so we may be foolish in thinking he can throw this superbly over the course of a full season, but now that he’s dropped a few rounds in ADP, I feel more comfortable than a Kardashian on their knees, in drafting this young stallion. Say one thing for the Kardashians, they swallow more raw meat than a stoned Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Carlos Martinez – Beddict’s darkhorse Cy Young candidate for 2016 has been selected by the Elder Gods to dominate the opposition as if they were no more valuable than the crud left on Lindsay Lohan’s panty liner after a night on the town. After struggling early in the year, C-Shart murdered in his next 144.2 innings, striking out 149, walking fewer than three batters per nine innings, to go along with a sterling 2.55 ERA nearly matched by his excellent 2.80 FIP. That’s hot. That’s super hot.

Marcus Stroman – What this young man did in returning from injury last season is beyond comprehension. I haven’t witnessed a comeback like that since Crazy Horse and Chief Gall scalped the bejesus out out of General Custer and his squad back in 1876. If you want to get analytical… I don’t, actually, but I’m still drafting Stroman everywhere I can get my talons on him.

Tijuan Walker – The prodigal son returns, allowing us the pleasure of basking in his excellence, for we worship him as he is the heir to the throne. This is the year. I can feel it so deep in my balls that the hair follicles are actually falling out. Can you imagine life without ever having to shave your sack? What a time to be alive! Anyway, Walker is a player I’ve chosen to gamble on the last two years, and I’m not about to start now. There’s so much untapped talent here, and I intend on harnessing this young man and riding him like Seattle Slew, to glory and power.

Yordano Ventura – Like that man-porn you accidentally watched, I just can’t get Yordano out of my head. Their is a dominant pitcher inside of this psychotic bastard, and if it’s not in 2016 it shall never come to pass. We caught glimpses of the hoggishness in the playoffs as Ventura was the ace of the World Series winning Royals, and even though he let me down for most (almost all) of 2015, I’m still going back to the well. It’s always the year after the year I predict them to blow like Mt. Vesuvius that these players blossom into superstars and cultural icons. Never forget what I said here on this fine Spring morning. [Jay’s Note: Wait, then what happened to Domonic Brown?]

Carlos Rodon – Am I the only one confused as to why Rodon is ranked so low on ESPN? Normally stunning, young flame-throwing Cubans are a hot commodity in the fantasy world, but it’s possible I’m missing something (wouldn’t be the first time). The homey impressed me by cutting his walk rate significantly from the first half (13.9% vs. 9.7%), to the second, giving insanely valuable fantasy work near the end of the season. I’m an upside guy, and there ain’t many you can draft this late that can give me a boner in an ice bath. Rodon is one of those special men.

Jimmy Nelson – Am I gonna get the half Nelson or the full Nelson? Hopefully this time I won’t be pinned down by a 275 pound Aryan nation member in the prison bathroom. Full Nelson it is.

Yu Darvish – There’s actually people out there instructing me NOT to draft my favorite pitcher in the world and all I can say is: I cant feel my face when I’m with Yuuuuuuuuu.

 

Pitchers I expect to Disgrace in 2016

Jeff Samardzija – In 2015, Smadge was battered like Jared Fogle on the prison yard, and my Gods was it brutal!  Six inch or foot long? The league leader in hits and runs allowed was paid a King’s ransom to go back to the National league where he excelled in the past, but I for one, am not expecting anything exceptional. Let it be clear as the “substance” I left in your mother’s throat that I’m the biggest Samardzija fan there is, but even I cannot fathom this golden haired beauty ever becoming the Cy-Young candidate I envisioned when he was running post routes for the Fighting Irish. Brosephine has been getting crushed like one of Elton John’s towel boy’s butt holes, and I won’t stand for it any longer. He’s being drafted far too high for my taste. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.

rtr1gknw

Jake Arrieta – The fourth ranked pitcher on ESPN? I can’t. Every stat says we should believe Arrieta is an ace in the prime of his career, and maybe I’m just feeling awful for Orioles fans as I’m sure they desperately want him to fail, but he certainly won’t be on a single one of my fantasy teams. I suppose that could be a good thing for him though…

Shelby Miller – I think Miller will be solid, but if you’re drafting him based on the thought that he shall repeat last season’s numbers with the addition of a ton more run support, you might end up feeling emptier than Chaz Bono’s nut sack. Take heed.

 

Thank you for joining me for another edition of Disgrace/Delight. It’s been an honor reading your comments about how worthless I am in giving advice and how I’m a self absorbed, peenless monkey. I will cherish these memories when I’m old and grey, defecating in the chamber pot of my Castle, reading my 15th Pulitzer Prize winning novel that was turned into a multi-billion dollar movie franchise while simultaneously blowing lines off the back off of Sharon Stone’s granddaughter’s butt cheeks. Have a great weekend!

 
  1. WillisReid says:
    (link)

    Hey Mr. B-

    Interested in your thoughts on Smyly vs Odorizzi for 2016.

    And near term, which would you feel more confident starting against the Jays next week?

    Very excited about Rodon. Was able to get him with my last pick in a 12 team H2H. -1 for BB, so I’m trying to temper my expectations.

    Nice work as always

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @WillisReid: Mr. Reid, its truly an honor. thank you for blessing my page with your presence. Im leaning Smyly as I prefer the talent and the stuff overall.

      LAST PICK on Rodon? Kudos to you, sir. That’s truly a gift from the Elders.

      Thank you

  2. 2qbn says:
    (link)

    Tehol, my man! My favorite Razzball writer. The season is officially here with this post.

    By the way, I am a young Cuban flamethrower, but enough about me peeing. What are you feeling out of Nelson?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @2qbn: what an endorsement!!! Just like when Carson endorsed trump!

      Feeling like Nelson will be pleasant surprise and possible top 40 starter. Can be had later than my girlfriends period……BEDDICT Jr. On the way

      • seph meier says:
        (link)

        @Tehol Beddict:

        Congrats! Will be fun to read about potential names from you!

        • Tehol Beddict says:
          (link)

          @seph meier: if the Elder Gods wish it so

  3. This easily has to be your best work. And of course I’m not referring to the words you typed.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @PeoplezPen: killed it, dawg

  4. Jason says:
    (link)

    Tehol,

    Sad to see Samardzija on the Disgrace list because I just acquired him in a trade.

    I’m in a H2H 12-team 10×9 dynasty “keep forever” league. We have 40 man rosters (32 MLB and 8 MiLB). The categories are:

    R H HR RBI SB BB K AVG OPS TB and IP K/9 K/BB HR W QS WHIP ERA SV+HLD

    I wanted to upgrade my pitching depth so I traded Desmond for Samardzaji

    At SP I have – Arrieta/Carrasco/Cueto/Lester/Leake/ERamirez/Hill

    At SS I have – Suarez/Aybar/TAnderson

    Do I just make a huge mistake in trading for Shark? They both have their risks and Desmond’s stats help but his Ks and rate stats hurt in this league. Fair trade or I lost it?

    Which side would you want?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @Jason: you must have also read that I’m actually a fan of his. I’m truly rooting for him and the National league will help him but he was awful last year. i just felt like he was ranked ahead of really nice pitchers which I found extremely confusing. he def could turn it around tho.

      Have zero issue with dumping Desmond for him. none whatsoever. staff looks nice now for sure. I think you’re totally fine here. I’d like another SS tho at some point. so lets work on that, playa. may the Elders be with you

  5. They Might Be Giants says:
    (link)

    Trumbo or Castellanos for DH, Phillips, Lawrie or Rollin for MI, do you like the show Shameless?

      • Tehol Beddict says:
        (link)

        @Malicious Phenoms: oh seeeeeeee, we on da same page!!!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @They Might Be Giants: TRUMBO. I want to see Lawrie in the Chi let’s go there and yaaaaaasss BEDDICT be watching Shameless

  6. Malicious Phenoms says:
    (link)

    Mr Beddict, sir, Thank you, for validating my SP’s, I have four, Yu, Yo, Ti & Stras, of the delightful ones and zero disgraces!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @Malicious Phenoms: u sir, are a delight and a half. Have a fabulous day

  7. Evan says:
    (link)

    Another guy I’m really curious about is Pineda. Is he worthy of delight or disgrace? Enjoyed the article immensely.

    Mazel

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @Evan: he’s a delight for me. I’m a huge fan. Anyone willing to attempt to change spin with tar is worthy of praise in my book. I think he has a very nice season/ he’s under ranked for sure

  8. Ryan says:
    (link)

    Thoughts on Cody Anderson and his magical velocity jump?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @Ryan: I need to see the K’s go up, Ry-Dog. under 5 usually which is disgusting. uptick in velocity? hmmm , must be the juice. if he won spot over Bauer they must like what they are seeing so I’m a tad intrigued. take a flyer. he’s probably taking needles in the butt tho

  9. M says:
    (link)

    Opinions on Salazar, J.Ross & Velasquez?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @M: always a Salazar guy as I get wet from strikeouts.

      LOVE Valasquez. spoke about him in the video I posted here. check it out.

      Ross might be in relief for a minute if Nationals truly go with 4 starters. I rank him 3rd here easily but still intrigued

  10. Lerry Jee says:
    (link)

    Would you want Nicasio or Nola? 6 category including QS

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @Lerry Jee: I’ve always been a big Nicasio fan and it’s fun to see him getting all this hype all of a sudden bud is still Lee. Nola for upside and talent

  11. Chadaristic says:
    (link)

    Should I try and trade Arrieta for Scherzer?

    Or is there another SP you would recommend I try to trade for?

    • Chadaristic says:
      (link)

      @Chadaristic: maybe Sale?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @Chadaristic: id prefer Sxherzer, yaaaassss. The k Monsta. He’s one of my faves and developed into what I thought he could when nobody else believed. Do it

      • CMUTimmah says:
        (link)

        @Tehol Beddict: As Tiger fan, I had to deal with the fans that went nuts when we traded away the first home grown prospect (Granderson) for a mix of some guys that “Can’t even make the bigs with Arizona”.

        I told everyone that would listen (ok, ignore my words…) that Scherzer isn’t a relief pitcher, and that he has a good shot to be something special.

        Then I had to listen to these fans whine that the Tigers didn’t sign crazy eyes and I said “that contract is a long term nightmare. They’ll be paying him as long as Bobby Bonilla was on the books, a decade after his career ends”… (same fans, they are as emotional as your pregnant girlfriend.) We’ll see if my Scherzer part deux prediction comes through, if they never win with him, then…

        Finding someone that wants to swap big name pitchers will be difficult. Look at the guys that went just after Arrieta and see if one of them is a guy you want. I doubt Arrietta went ahead of Scherzer, but it’s possible.

  12. muskysmell says:
    (link)

    Pineda is definitely a TREASURE for sure…
    but dude went all the way up to $41 in a bidding war in my auction league….was so awesome to see people waste money =)

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @muskysmell: that is absolutely insane. what is the salary cap in this league? I’m highly confused

  13. Pouss-Pouss says:
    (link)

    No, now it ends.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @Pouss-Pouss: ur life or mine? Has to be one of us

  14. Chucky says:
    (link)

    Scraping the bottom of the barrel for # 4-5-6 starters in a Dynasty. At the back end of the rotation not expecting any hidden gems but rather serviceable pitchers who can provide neutrality for the top of the rotation bread winners. Choices include Oddorizi, Chen, ADS, Greene, Nicasio, Santiago, Gibson, Jungman, Tillman, and Colon. Any comments and/or suggestions would be appreciated .

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @Chucky: im down with Nicasio, Oddorizi and Santiago. Gibson did some good for me for a stretch so I have a soft spot for him. Colon is always doable in an emergency. These dudes are all usable depending on how deep your league is.

  15. FrankGrimes says:
    (link)

    Chaz Bono’s nut sack haha
    This is why I come here fool.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @FrankGrimes: i just took a bow. glad to have you back

  16. Regan says:
    (link)

    Ya f**k Smarja. He burned me so bad last year i’m not falling for that one again.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @Regan: NEVER AGAIN

  17. Regan says:
    (link)

    Rank the following team names. These are my actual names of my fantasy teams.

    Alabama HotPockets
    Stinky Pujols
    Bartolo Colon-Oscopy
    Mookie Monsters

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @Regan:

      Bartolo Colon-Oscopy is solid
      Stinky Pujols
      Alabama Hot pockets
      Mookie Monsters

      • CMUTimmah says:
        (link)

        @Tehol Beddict:

        Some of my early season favorite team names (not all are gems)

        Right Up Urias
        Turner Trea Tricks
        I love Byung-Hos
        Seguraphobia
        Suck Markakis
        Gloryjols
        Smokin’ on that Dozier

      • Bye Felica says:
        (link)

        @Tehol Beddict: My team name:
        Mookie Wilson Betts Bruh

  18. True and Correct says:
    (link)

    Save this article. Other than Stras, I believe you overestimate CMart, Stroman, Walker, Rodon, Ventura, and Nelson. Good luck w/ Darvish.
    I actually agree with you on Shelby, and Samard is not being drafted like an elite s.p. Arrieta, on the other hand, I’ll exchange him for Bum, and perhaps Greinke.
    I’d be grabbing McCullers from where he’s fallen, and look out for Corbin, Smyly, Odorizzi, and Matz.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @True and Correct: the internet saves all my articles for all of eternity. You are true and correct.

      • CMUTimmah says:
        (link)

        @Tehol Beddict: Can someone explain to me how Greinke going in the 7-8thish round isn’t terrific value? Offense is going to score, park isn’t as friendly, but he’s still pitching against a pitcher 2-3 times a game… still going to pitch against the same division…

        Rumors of his demise are greatly exaggerated.

        CMart, Stroman, and Rodon are talent picks. Their numbers don’t support their perceived value. If you draft only on actual value from previous seasons, you’re not going to do well this season. Out of those three, only Rodon wasn’t consistent, but this is a guy with pedigree and improved greatly in the second half… at his draft position there’s not another pitcher with a ceiling like his.

        I don’t think Walker and Yordano are consistent enough, so I agree with you there.

        • Mantis Toboggan MD says:
          (link)

          @CMUTimmah: i don’t know where you are seeing 8th round (he would be awesome value there) his adp across many sites is 32.8, so you’d have to be in around a 4 team league to regularly get him in the 8th round.

          http://www.fantasypros.com/mlb/adp/sp.php

  19. CMUTimmah says:
    (link)

    Nice piece Tehol. I’m not shocked a nutjob like you would love Yo! I love your list, and that you’re not just picking studs but throwing in names like Jimmy Nelson (yikes, not sure if I’m with you there bud) and Ti Walk (in Roto, Ti Walk is better than head to head. In head to head, his volatility could cost you weeks. In Roto, it all smooths out.)

    And I liked the Shark for 2 years… but I started seeing some guys square him up in year three and have been turned off on his price tag since. This year, even with the low price, I didn’t pull the trigger in any drafts even as an SP4-6

    Much like the women waiting in Motley Crew’s dressing room for their drummer, I waited on SPs in every league, and was still able to pull off an above average staff.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @CMUTimmah: Nut job? HOW DARE YOU!!!!! sorry, i haven’t taken my meds yet today. and I’m just referring to my Cialis

      I always wait on these guys I LOVE IT. I LOVE YOU

  20. Scott says:
    (link)

    The only league I got Arrieta in was the first one, after Kershaw, Scherzer, Harvey, Sale, AND Bumgarner.

    Arrieta as sixth best pitcher? You feelin’ it, bro?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @Scott: works for me. thats where he belongs. i guess i just don’t respect him for some reason. not sure what my problem is. I have many!

  21. Bye Felica says:
    (link)

    Spot on bruh. I don’t own Arrieta anywhere at that premium price. I traded his brother Lester and Pence for Betts, grabbed Schoop, then I dropped Heany for AJ Reed stash upside, plus I moved J. Zimmerman for K Zar.

    I play on yahoo couldn’t you tell? Hahaha

    My team is Re-Donkkkkkkk

    SAGNOF 4 LIFE ESSE

Comments are closed.