Scenario: Jim Leyland has been a part of a clinical trial to prove cigarettes cause mental illness. On off days, Leyland sits in a hotel room with a monkey and a scientist and they all smoke Camels. All three of them wear nothing but tighty-whiteys and they order out to Papa John’s, which always takes longer than anticipated because they have the pizza man put the pie in a mailbox, so no one knows where they are. After a few hours, Leyland is presented with a few different ink blotches that are clearly just innocuous butterflies. The monkey tries to correctly identify the ink blotches, but the scientist shushes the monkey and waits for Leyland. Inevitably, Leyland always says each ink blotch is Jose Valverde. Second scenario: The closer, who was ineffective last year, is given the closer job again because he’s the best arm in the bullpen. Okay, which scenario seems more likely to you? Agreed, Leyland has officially lost his crackers. “Okay, I know I put some Saltines down on the bench. Where are THEY?!” That’s Leyland after losing his crackers. Either way, Valverde will be joining the Tigers this week and Leyland says he’s the Tigers closer. “Are those cracker crumbs on your jersey, Don Kelly?!” When Leyland walks to the mound to change pitchers, he should just signal to the bullpen by twirling his finger by his ear — the universal sign for he’s crazy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Bruce Rondon – Recalled by the Tigers. Da Bruce Rondon not gone, Da Bruce Rondon… Sorry, that’s still stuck in my head. I could see taking a flyer on him in AL-Only leagues, assuming that doesn’t stand for the name, Al, and Al Alburquerque is available. I wouldn’t expect Rondon to suddenly get saves unless Leyland gets ejected from the stadium in a straitjacket and is dunked into a milk can. “I’ll Houdini my ass outta that milk can once I get some Saltines!”
Jon Niese – This was like the fantasy baseball equivalent to 127 Hours. My fantasy team was looking death in the eye (Niese’s line 2 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K), then just when we needed it, his start was cut off short, which is easier than cutting off his arm. A comebacker knocked him out, but he should be fine for his next start. Unless he gets bumped back a day so he faces the Marlins, he’ll probably be on my bench for his next start.
Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Red Sox. Green Monster meet the Green and Gold Monster That Smells Like Bad Farts.
Jed Lowrie – 1-for-5 as the A’s scored 13 runs. Ticker tease!
Seth Smith – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, now batting .377. I kinda want to grab the Lisper’s Nightmare and only play him against righties as the A’s have been doing to great sathseth… Hmm, let me try again. Sathseth… Okay, will just spell it Th-U-Th-Th-E-Th-Th… Ugh… Okay, how about this… Michael J. Fox therred in The Thecret of my Sathseth. Got it?
John Jaso – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt is not my catcher and he’s not your catcher either so why are we singing about him?
Josh Reddick – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Reddick continues to hit the ball now that he’s shaven. Welcome Googlers of shaven + Reddick. Sure, you were looking for pictures of Josh Reddick. Hey, no judgements here. If you get some of the commenters drunk enough, you might be able to get those ‘shaven Reddick’ pics.
Manny Machado – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs. I wanna be a Machado Machado Machado Man! What? Crushing too hard? I wonder if Machado wants to hang outside Giancarlo’s house with me. Nah, probably not! Or you think maybe?
Chad Billinsley – Will have Tommy John surgery. Put him on Rudy’s sleeper list for July of 2014.
Mark Ellis – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. I’m about as lukewarm as you can imagine. I’m tepid, y’all! But Ellis is a hot schmotato. Grab ME if you’re desperate at MI.
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs with his 3rd homer. Whatever. Wake me when Moustakas has three homers. *someone shaking me* Grey, you’ve been sleeping for two months. Moustakas has three homers now. Unfortunately, they all came in Triple-A Omaha.
Starling Marte – 2-for-5 with his 3rd steal. “Hey, Grey, Starling Marte here. Yeah, was just wondering why you ranked me above Machado in the preseason, but are now crushing on him so bad? I’m hitting .321 with a homer and some speed. I could understand if–” Hey, Marte, I don’t have call waiting and Machado might call me. *click*
Jeff Locke – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks as Locke showed his fastball he’s dubbed, The Smoke Monster. Locke had some decent minor league numbers (8+ K-rate in his last minor league season) and an under-3 ERA in his last year at Triple-A. He’s a little old for the amount of time he’s had in the majors. Maybe in the minors Locke got Lost, or maybe the writers just had no idea where the show was headed and started making up shizz as they went. So far, Locke’s Ks have not translated at all, and I wouldn’t touch him in shallower mixed leagues, but he should be on radars in deeper than 14-team leagues.
Dylan Bundy – Seeking a second opinion on his arm from Dr. Freeze. This can’t be good. Dr. Freeze isn’t in the business of saying, “Your arm is fine, just give the receptionist your co-pay.” It’s like going to a boob doctor and expecting to hear, “Your knockers are swell — don’t change a thing, Billy Butler.”
Jason Heyward – Placed on the 15-day DL. He should be good to go in two weeks (and a day). I mean, really, what’s the worst that could happen from an appendix? *checking WebMD* Oh, God, why do I ever read WebMD?
Mike Minor – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks with the Win in Coors. Sonavabench!
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Sonavadroppedtowaivers!
Reed Johnson – 4-for-4, 0 runs, 0 RBIs with 3 doubles and a single in the first game as he hit for the Charley Lau cycle.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-6 as he was activated from the DL, which forced .397-hitting Chris Johnson to the bench for the 2nd game so Juan-Fran could come in and hit his 4th home run as he hits .302. Right now, the Braves could turn Jordan Schafer into a .400 hitter. Oh, wait, he’s hitting .462. The Braves are so out of their mind right now, they benched a guy who went 4-for-4 in the first game. Kevin Correia would intercept transmissions to hear, “The Braves have too many weapons.”
Evan Gattis – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer. He hit that home run for all the ski lift operators in Colorado who forgot where they put their keys yesterday and instead of looking for them, sat down and ate Cheetos while watching Cartoon Network (that’s all ski lift operators, by the way).
Justin Upton – 3-for-8 with his 10th homer in the 1st game and went back-to-back with his big bro in the 2nd game for his 11th homer. Someone in Atlanta needs to get DMX to stop breeding dogs or whatever he’s doing and get him to do a remix… Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind Upton HERE, Upton here… Y’all gon’ make me go all out Upton here, Upton here… Y’all gon’ make me act a FOOL Upton HERE, Upton here… Y’all gon’ make me lose my cool Upton here, Upton here…
Tony Cingrani – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Cubs as he looked even better in this game than his 1st start vs. the Marlins. Wish we could see him against a major league offense, and I’ll get my wish when he takes on the Nationals next. Hmm, wish I would have saved that first wish. Wait, is that my second wish?!
Chris Heisey – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer. Batting a miserable .183, but that’ll come up. Maybe this game will be the fire he needs burning in his belly, which is also what Sean Kingston says after eating spicy Thai.
Kevin Gregg – Notched his first save in two years and his first clean save in seven years. I’m not sure it’s an indication of anything since Marmol had already pitched in the game. Notice I didn’t say ‘pitched terribly,’ because that would be redundant like short dwarf. Marmol was used in a save situation, and immediately blew it. If I had to guess, I’ll say Gregg will get the next save opportunity. Notice I didn’t say he’d convert the next save.
Carlos Villanueva – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Deserved better than the ishkabibble that’s relieving him. I’ve now told you to pick him up after every game he’s pitched and in a Buy/Sell. What you do with this information is up to you.
Matt Garza – Shutdown due to a dead arm. After Marmol got the Win and Gregg got the Save, glad to see the universe is back in order.
Alfonso Soriano – 3-for-4 with two steals. Did the Cubs play this game in the Wayback Machine?
Edward Mujica – Mooheekalakalaka!
Adam Wainwright – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. After the game, he said, “I would’ve thrown a complete game but I remembered we paid a cab driver $2500 to take Mitchell Boggs to Florida.”
Ross Detwiler – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.38. His K-rate is under 5 and his men left on base is over 90%. Yeah, he’s not this good. Sorry if you’re related to him.
David Price – 8 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. I just talked about him on our fantasy baseball podcast. I did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with my nasally rap.
Evan Longoria – With his 5th homer. 31 more. Might be there by August, then he can get injured the last month. Kidding, don’t get any ideas, Longoria.
Phil Hughes – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Should you pick him up? He has back-to-back Quality Starts. Those are your Hughes clues.
Carlos Quentin – 1-for-3, 1 RBI as he returned from suspension. Should be sent to a halfway house and forced to only start games in Petco.
Andrew Cashner – Padres announced he’s back in the rotation. Why are you still reading this? Go pick him up! Now! Seriously. Okay, don’t. Just keep reading this blurb about how you shouldn’t be reading it. Fine, I’ll fix you. I’ll stop writing. Psyche! No, seriously, go get him.
Yovani Gallardo – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks in Petco. 13 baserunners?! Whoever wears Yovani’s earth skin during the month of April should not be allowed to pitch or drive a car. BTW, I’ve been singing, Daft Punk’s newest song, Get Lucky, for the last 48 hours straight, so my thinking is a little shot, but I could swear the lyrics are, “Gallardo/Mexican, Gallardo/Mexican, Gallardo/Mexican, Gallardo/Mexican, Gallardo/Mexican, Gallardo/Mexican, Gallardo/Mexican, Moustakas/sucky.” See around minute 2:50.
Patrick Corbin – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Keep pitching like that and you’re gonna get traded.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Au Shizz!
J.J. Putz – 1 IP, 2 ER and his third blown save to go with 3 saves. Putz is such a putz. He’s also a candidate to go to the Disgraceful List at any moment. I tried to grab David Hernandez in every league we’re in, but he was gone. I suggest you do the same. Don’t try, do, Yoda.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 11 Ks. Hisashi my dashi — slurp! SLURP! Hisashi my dashi — slurp! SLURP! Is that sweeping the country yet? Could we work on that? Oh, and yes, you should pick him up, even if it’s just for home starts.
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-3 with his 2nd game in a row with a homer. Love to see it against some real pitching, but he is hitting. I suppose.
Howie Kendrick – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs with two homers. Where were you 11 months ago?!
Todd Helton – Could be DL’d any second now. This could be the chance Colvin needs to get back to the major leagues. He was unceremoniously cut from the roster after Colvin tried to legalize drugs in Hamsterdam. Make like a bunny, and hop to grabbing Colvin now.
Eric Young Jr. – 3-for-6 with a run, RBI and a steal. I told you he’d be good! (3 years ago.)
Dexter Fowler – 4-for-9 with his 3rd steal. At Home, in the Box, the field’s his Office, Dexter is killing it. I think that was a haiku.
Jose Fernandez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Twins. Hey, we had some good times. We shared some laughs. What I will remember most about Jose Fernandez is his stuff and the way he would fold the last sheet of toilet paper into a triangle. Maybe I’ll see him again between classes or when he’s going to pitch vs. the Astros. For now, I bid him adieu in most mixed leagues.
Joe Mahoney – 4-for-9, 2 RBIs as he started at 1st base for the Marlins. Was John Doe busy?
Steve Cishek – Recorded his 2nd save. If only the Marlins were in the Twins division, Cishek could have 15 saves this year. Oh, wait, divisions don’t matter anymore. Hey, maybe Selig did this because he owns Cishek in a keeper. Hmm….
Oswaldo Arcia – 2-for-9 and his 1st homer in the 1st game of the doubleheader. After the homer, he was moved up to the three hole of the lineup for the 2nd game. Aw, the Twins are so cute, they want it to be 2016 so bad.
Kevin Correia – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins in Hubert H. Homerfree Dome. I think someone might want to mention to the Stream-o-Nator that the Marlins are terrible. SON, “I know, but my Maw-Maw lives in Miami and she said she’d write me out of her will if I go against the Marlins. Love you, Maw-Maw!”
Justin Maxwell – To the DL with a fractured hand. The Astros now can call up their prospect, Yitz Maxwell.
Alfredo Aceves – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER then was relieved by Steven Wright. After the game, Wright said, “The coach said I can pitch during a blowout at any time. I asked for a 9-1 game during the Renaissance.”