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Welcome to the year end Razzball Awards!  Unlike the ESPYs, you won’t have to wear a tux or listen to Derek Jeter try to be funny.  Speaking of Viagra — Vlad’s got one good leg and he’s not wearing a shoe on it. Nope, for these awards, all you need to do is read.  How novel!  Anyway, here’s The 2009 Razzball Year End Awards:

Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – There’s two hitters from the AL in the top ten on the ESPN Player Rater.  Crawford at 4 and Ellsbury at 6.  The next AL hitter is Derek Jeter.  Can we punt the AL hitters award this year?  Wait, I know!  Let’s give it to a pitcher!  Zack Greinke, you’re the Razzball AL Fantasy MVP, how does it feel?  “If I don’t find out who the mother is on How I Met Your Mother by next spring training, I’m going to lose my shizz.”  Thanks for coming, Zack!  You’re the belle of the Razzballies!

Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player – If a no-brainer is my specialty, this one’s easy.  Albert Pujols.

Fantasy AL Cy Young – If Kansas City were a major market, we’d be getting an ESPN movie of the week this winter about Zack Greinke starring Macaulay Culkin.

Fantasy NL Cy Young – Tim Lincecum, but this is pretty close with Javier Vazquez, Dan Haren, Wainwright and Carpenter.  Crazy that those last four guys could’ve been had in any league.  That would’ve made for a nice team if you had all four.  Well, Lincecum gets the nod because he’s 145 lbs.  Those things matter for the Razzballies.

Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – Grady Sizemore really wanted this award.  He even sat out September in his bid to suck.  But Josh Hamilton started sucking in April.  That’s a tough act to follow, mostly because of the stench.

Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – The winner is Jose Reyes.  Unfortunately, he couldn’t make it to the awards ceremony because he’s getting in “game shape.”

Special Lifetime Achievement Award That Is Only A Reflection Of This Season And Not Of A Lifetime – Mark Reynolds, because he needed his own award.  Thank you, Mini Donkey.  You made everyone else look like Mini Jackasses.

Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – And the Razzballie goes to Clint Barmes.  He’s starting, but not hitting, I’m dropping him.  He’s starting and hitting, I’m picking him up.  He’s hitting but not playing, I’m dropping him.  He’s hitting and playing… Do I drop him or pick him up?   Forget it, I’m dropping him.  Wait, he’s not even on my team.  Ugh!

Player You Had Forever and Most Wanted to Drop – Felipe Lopez.  Every time I came close to cutting the Fe-Lopezian tubes, he went 1-for-3 with a Run.  If I see one more 1-for-3 with a Run, I’m going to vomit.

Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up – Michael Cuddyer.  Cuddyer’s boring!  I’ll stick with the rotating Bowden Fluffer turnstile of Delmon Young, Milledge, Dukes and Cameron Maybin.

Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – Bronson Arroyo.  Now don’t get any pine tar on your award!   A close runner-up was Joe Blanton.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – Matt Cain.  If regressing to the norm is a 3.50 2nd half ERA, I’ll take it any day of the week and twice on Muesday.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin – Johnny Cueto.  Regressing doesn’t have to mean a flippin’ 8 ERA!

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It – Ben Zobrist.  Sure, his 2nd half wasn’t as good as his 1st half, but you weren’t actually embarrassed to own Ben Zobrist.  Tell me you saw that coming in February and I have a column for you to write called, “I’m a lying sack of shizz.”

Player You Traded Away That You Most RegrettedGrey seems like a good guy, but there’s no way Mark Reynolds is going to keep this up.

Player You Traded For That You Most RegrettedI just traded a poor-April Verlander and Mark Reynolds for David Wright!  I’m so money and you snitches are so green!

Best Roofie Pitcher – Three way tie with J.A. Happ, Randy Wells and Brett Anderson.

Best Jockular Sphincteritis – Adrian Beltre with his cracked nuts.

Top Cuddle Boy – Ryan Madson.  Our closer is terrible, yet we can’t reliably turn to our set-up man.

Top SAGNOF – Michael Bourn/Andrew Bailey (tie)

Player Who “Pulled A Kotchman – Carlos Beltran.  How long can someone nurse an injury that’s “not that serious?”

Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – Francisco Liriano

64 Responses

  1. Dave says:
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    and one more…

    Player 99% of fantasy players never bothered to even consider, but who won me my league: Rajai Davis.

    The Scrap Heap Wonder of the Year.

  2. Bob Walk says:
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    Disappointedly just found out my hoarding of final day pitchers did not win me the fantasy title(Thank you Buchholz, Danks, and Dempster). Anyway in the spirit of Grey’s post, I made up some awards/teams myself to salute the last day of fantasy baseball which I enjoyed playing for the first time this summer.

    All waiver wire team
    C-Suzuki
    1B-Morales
    2B-Hill
    SS-Zobrist
    3B-Reynolds
    OF-Cuddyer, Bourne, Rajai
    UTIL-G. Jones
    SP-Wandy, Piniero, Edwin, Wolf
    RP-Bailey, Franklin, Aardsma

    Allsuck underacheiver injury plagued disappointing roid team
    C-Martin/Soto
    1B-Atkins
    2B-Aviles
    SS-Reyes
    3B-Wright
    OF-Sizemore/Hamilton, Beltran/Soriano, Quentin/Manny
    SP-Webb, Hamels, Liriano, Peavy, Ervin, Joba, Daisuke
    RP-Lidge, BJ Ryan, Morrow

    Players on my team who pissed me off the most:
    Soriano, Uggla, Ludwick, Martin, Furcal, most pitchers

    Players on my team who I enjoyed the most:
    Reynolds, G. Jones, Rajai, Pierre, Zobrist

    Worst move(s) I made this season: Streaming Edwin and Ubaldo before the All Star break instead of just keeping them. Continuously staring Soriano when he was hiding a knee injury.

    Best move(s) I made: I was master of the waiver wire picking up Reynolds, Zobrist, Wandy, Pierre, Rajai,G.Jones, Morales before the “experts” were sucking their balls.

    Aurodraft ****ed me over: Nolasco, Kazmir, Ervin, BJ Ryan, Soriano, Dioner ****ing Navarro, Furcal.

    Autodraft Rules: I still don’t know how I autodrafted Kemp, Bay, Adrian Gonzalez, and Miggy onto one team.

    Enjoyed the great writing and advice on this site and look forward to next year.

  3. Tom says:
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    Grey, you do a much nicer job at giving awards than the Baseball Writers Association of Cool Elitist Dudes Which Rob Neyer Secretly Wants to Destroy From the Inside.

  4. eldee says:
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    Thanks for all the insight this year, and for keeping it fun. Won my league regular season, and my semifinal loss was my only loss since the ASB.

    Looking forward to next year, when I spend all winter saying “I’m not wasting another summer playing fantasy frickin’ baseball” only to cave the day of the draft.

  5. MarkM says:
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    Finished first in my Y! league. Thanks to Grey and crew.

    I picked up Zobrist the day before Aki got hurt. Booya. After a month he was packaged in a deal for King Felix. Double Booya.

    I bought low on Rollins, streamed Sanchez the day of his no-no (The only game he pitched for me.) Also traded for Carpenter, Nelson Cruz, and drafted Jason Werth in the 10th round. Thanks for most of those being tips from you, sir!

  6. PJtres says:
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    does anyone know what station will televise the twins/tigers 1 game playoff? thanks.

  7. T.J. says:
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    Long time, first time.

    Player you couldn’t trade or drop because he kept closing, but who single-handedly ruined your ERA and WHIP: Brad effing Lidge

  8. big o says:
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    Poison Pill Award …. drop him quickly , maybe the league leader will pick him up …. francisco liriano .

    Self-Induced Vomiting Award …. oliver perez

  9. Lines says:
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    I traded Hanley Ramirez on draft day, and never once regretted it (got Jason Bay and Ryan Howard).

    I traded Clayton Kershaw and Jimmy Rollins for Jose Reyes… Ouch.

    I rode Johnny Cueto in the first half, then dropped him after his second bad start. Word.

    I picked up first-half Brandon Inge for nothing, then flipped him at the all-star break for Miguel Montero. Hell yeah.

    I picked up 2nd-half Bronson Arroyo and Joel Pineiro off waivers. Nice!

    I drafted Rick Ankiel, Matt Wieters, Brandon Morrow, Edwin Encarnacion and Dice-K… ahead of Zack Greinke. Fuck.

    I traded Mike Lowell for Mark Reynolds.

    I had fun playing fantasy baseball.

    Thanks everyone – have a great winter.

  10. Vic Vinegar says:
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    Just got done winning a championship with Sizemore, Reyes, Cueto, Beltre and Liriano on my roster! Luckily I also had guys like Sandoval, Morales, Hill and the Wandwagon. And Juan Uribe’s September heroics!
    Like Kevin Garnett said, “Anything is possible!!!!!”

  11. Tony says:
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    won my league, go razzball….

    i’m now $852 richer….

    i owe you a marg grey….

  12. Paulie Allnuts

    Paulie Allnuts says:
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    Grey – just wanted to thank you for the incredible ride. Thanks to Razzball, I placed 1st and 2nd in two of my Yahoo leagues, and a respectable 2nd place in my RCL, especially so considering that I basically didn’t listen to your sage advice in my draft. Since the season is over, I will recommend you to some of my fantasy friends.

    @big o: Why would you ever own Ollie Perez?

    Worst trades –

    1-Brian Roberts for Brandon Webb; he never pitched an inning for me all season
    2 – Trading for Beltran about 8 days before he pulled a Kotchman
    3 – Trading Reynolds when I thought he was at peak value. First I listened to Grey in drafting him, then I thought that the magic couldn’t keep up.

    Best FA pickups – the Bourne Identity, Arroyo and Blanton,in the 2nd half, Robot Jones, Rajai Davis, Montero, George of the Rose- all except for Blanton I picked up on Grey’s advice (I picked up Blanton before anyone else did, I believe)

    See you all next spring, same Razz time, same Razz station.
    Now, on to Doc…

  13. big o says:
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    my best fantasy prediction … ellsbury will steal 60 , maybe 70 , bases .
    my worst fantasy prediction … carlos pena will hit .275 – .280

    but , like big brother and the holding company ,
    combination of the two ….

    janis also said “get it while you can” .
    nice to see that some of you money-ball players
    are remembering to tip the bartender .

  14. big o says:
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    @Paulie Allnuts:
    @Grey:
    i’ve never actually drafted ollie ,
    but , i have added and dropped him four or five times , each year ,
    for the past 3 years .

    i’m a sick puppy .

    considering doing next year’s drafts
    from a room at the local holiday inn express .

  15. matthole says:
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    -Drafted Wright over Pujols at #2 overall, knowing i was going to get a 1b 2nd rd (fielder)
    - drafted milledge over nelson cruz, greinke, carpenter in 10th rd
    - traded away Holliday and coco cordero for carlos lee (one month in)
    -traded Mauer and JA Happ for McClouth (after mauers 10HR month, but drafted mauer in 12th rd!! bc of injury scare)
    - traded haren and derrek lee for howard near AS break (lee nearly = howards #s from that pt on)
    - traded for Johan Santana and Alfonso Soriano (one start out of johan, 1 week of shit out of soriano)

    Managed to squeak out a title with a staff of DLR, arroyo, buchholz, padres, and wainwright

    Thanks for words of wisdom throughout the season and have a good offseason

  16. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @big o: Ha!

    @matthole: Nice that you were able to pull yourself out, congrats!

  17. Bob says:
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    @Grey: I had a good year — three firsts (none decided until the final day) and a second (half-year league) on Yahoo, and a close second (1 point) in the Original Recipe RCL.

    I wouldn’t have done this well without you. So thanks!!! It’s been a blast.

    Looking forward to reading you in the off-season, and doing it again next year.

  18. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Bob: That’s a solid year, congrats!

  19. papasmurf says:
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    My opening day lineup (16 team lg) was Doumit, Pena, Weeks, Hardy, Wright, Kubel, Beltran, Dye, Mclouth. By the end of the year, only Doumit and Mclouth were left. Also had Peavy and Hamels on my pitching staff. Somehow my team won by 1.5 pts. Had a miraculously two day run 3 weeks ago from the offense that resulted in an 18 pt swing in the standings and vaulted me into first place by a small margin. Held on to the lead until two days ago. I fell to 3 pts behind entering yesterday, but gained 5 pts (thanks to picking up earlier in the week and hoarding six Sunday SPs and racking up 35 huge Ks on the day) and won by 1.5 pts. A highly unlikely championship led by the likes of Uribe, Cantu, Mcgehee.

  20. brett says:
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    Just completed a sweep, taking first place in all three of my leagues. There’s probably a daiquiri in your future, Grey. Cheers!

  21. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @papasmurf: The unlikely ones are always the most gratifying, congrats!

    @brett: Nice showing, congrats!

  22. cool WHIP says:
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    Thanks to grey for some great advice this season, I won both of my big money leagues. One was a 10 team league and the other a 12 team. I drafted well in my deep league but seeing as these were my first 4 picks in the 10 team league:

    Round Pick Player Position
    1. (4) José Reyes SS
    2. (17) Carlos Beltrán OF
    3. (24) Manny Ramírez OF
    4. (37) Aramis Ramírez 3B

    one could understand why the other managers were amazed at the “no name” team i finished 1st with. Thanks again!

    Looking forward to next season.

  23. Corey says:
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    @ Bob: Was that the league in the FBTM league?

    and @ Grey: I know we all love the Mini Donkey, and I hope he doesn’t find my head so he can pummel me with a baseball bat (if he makes contact) but, what are the chances of him posting a magical season like this next year?

  24. DrEasy says:
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    - I finished 4th out of 16 in one league, no thanks to Sizemore, Joba and Aviles. I toyed with Andrus, Zobrist, Coghlan and Beckham all season long trying to fill in for Aviles, unfortunately got fed up too early with Zobrist’s lack of playing time but still happy with Beckham. Got Hochevar’d early one and never recovered in WHIP and ERA. Thankfully, judicious waiver pick-ups in DLR (thanks, Grey!), Hanson and Buchholz kept me afloat in the other pitching categories. Nick Johnson was also a nice waiver pick-up.

    - In the midseason Razzballers commenters league, finished 7th out of 12, which was actually ok, given that I wallowed in 10th place for most of the second half. Still not sure of my big blockbuster deal on draft day: traded away Granderson, Joba and Big Papi to get ARod. Rode Willingham early but kept him too long.

    Playing fantasy baseball wouldn’t have been as fun without reading Razzball. Thanks again!

  25. Ashley says:
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    who would you keep between bj upton and carl crawford? i’m kinda discouraged by crawfords 2nd-half splits. 16 sb, 9 cs? not impressive.

  26. Bob says:
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    @Corey: It’s one of the Razzball Commenter Leagues. The original one that started last year. It’s the “Original Recipe” one.

  27. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Corey: Slim to anorexic.

    @DrEasy: Thanks for the kind words!

    @Ashley: Crawford

    @Bob: Did you load on Tigers and Twins?

  28. Just Another Steve says:
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    Really? Cuddyer’s 32 home runs were too boring to pick up in the post-steroids era? Glad I grabbed him when he only had a dozen!

  29. Corey says:
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    Okay, the trade deadline for my league is about to pass, and I’ve got this in the works. Greinke/Jeter/ 1st Rounder in draft for Longoria/Johnson/2nd. Who wins? I’m thinking it’s Longoria side.

  30. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Just Another Steve: Not saying he’s too boring, saying that’s probably what many people thought.

    @Corey: I’d take the Longoria side.

  31. Frank Rizzo says:
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    Biggest Idiot: Miguel Cabrera.

    Goes partying with his White Sox buddies the night before a must win game to get into the playoffs. Blows a 2.6, gets his face clawed apart by his wife, gets bailed out of jail by the Tiger GM, then goes 0-4 in the game the next afternoon.

  32. jamiesonmj says:
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    lmao!

    Thanks for the great comments all season, Grey. I hope to hear from you next spring!

  33. Moneybrawl says:
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    Just a quick thanks to Razzball with special acknowledgement to you Grey. With your help, I finished 3rd, 2nd and 1st in my money leagues. Can I buy you a daiquiri? You’re not thirsty right now? You will take my daiquiries and like it.

    Hope to catch you again next year.

  34. Corey says:
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    @ Grey: Thanks!

  35. Atomic says:
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    I went from 11th place last season to 1st this year in no small part due to the sage words from Razzball. Thanks for the great humor and tips, I have enjoyed reading the blog daily. The check is in the mail. Yeah!

  36. SamYo says:
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    Your Greyness, I just wanted to say thank you, I won first place ! (first time fantasy baseball player)

  37. Yahtzee says:
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    After a 14th place, 13th place and 8th place finish in my friendly/cutthroat keeper league, I was finally able to win the Champeenship. Much love and respect to the Razzball crew.

    I blew a 15pt lead with a month to go. All started when I took a flyer on that rookie Tiger pitcher and he shat in my bed. Was out of first with 10 days to play. On my honeymoon in Costa Rica, no less, where I had almost no opportunity to check scores or change lineups. Thankfully, Mr. Aceves and Mr. Wilson the Ranger helped out my WHIP to allow me to regain the lead and take it down.

    Still kvetching over keeping Werth or Pena for next year. I have Ellsbury and Werth would seal that category. But my strategy last year was draft SLG percentage early and often, so Pena fits that bill.

    Have a great winter. No Fantasy F-ball for me, just sit on my azz and root my Steelers to victory.

  38. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Atomic: Glad I could help. Thanks for the donation!

    @SamYo: Awesome, congrats!

  39. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Yahtzee: That’s awesome, glad you won!

  40. Swass says:
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    Grey-

    Took down my keeper fantasy league this year in its inaugural year.

    Have to keep 5 of these guys, who gets left out and traded for draft picks? Longoria, Miguel Cabrera, Kinsler, Kemp, Markakis, Votto, Nelson Cruz?

  41. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Swass: Congrats! Longoria, Miggy, Kemp, Kinsler… Then a tough choice. I’d probably go with Cruz because you have a 1st baseman. If you play with a corner, I could see going with Votto. Though I probably still wouldn’t.

  42. Swass says:
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    I also have Aramis, Pablo Sandoval, Kershaw, and Wainwright, probably should have mentioned that. And after you take those 5 guys (I’m leaning Longoria, M-Cab, Kinsler, Kemp, Votto), if I trade Markakis for the first pick of the first round of the re-draft, am I obligated to take Aramis with that pick?

  43. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Swass: So you’ll have Votto, Longoria and Miggy? I wouldn’t take Aramis with those guys already on my team.

  44. BigFatHippo says:
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    @Grey: Bea Arthur is Ted Mosby’s kids’ Mother, just an fyi.

    My year of baseball sucked, I want Lily and Neil Patrick Harris is still gay………………which is too bad. Why can’t that shit be real Barney??????

  45. Corey says:
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    Josh Johnson for Wandy and Nolasco in a vaccuum. Who wins?

  46. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Corey: Wandy side.

  47. Corey says:
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    Thanks my man!
    And thanks for the awesome information and the good humor!

  48. weas says:
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    Seconding/Thirding/Nthing the Rajai Davis love in here. I know Bourn had 20 more steals but Rajai and his .325/46R/42RBI/30SB in the second half was huge for my team for someone I picked up in late June.

  49. big o says:
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    @Grey:
    this is nice here , today .
    almost festive .

    @Corey:
    i was in a FBTM league …. but only finished 2nd .

    i do believe I. B. CHUM , who won the inaugural CouchManagers’ league , is a loyal reader .
    if true , testify !!

  50. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Corey: No problem.

    @weas: That’s SAGNOF at it’s best.

    @big o: Yeah it is.

  51. winnawinnachickendinna says:
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    got any statistics on people who are loyal razzball readers and how they finished, that would be great…

    I finished 1st in my big money 12 teamer, 2nd in a cbs points league that i dominated ALL season and just got unlucky in the final week, and 5th in my RC League…. (first time i’ve ever played roto) caught on about half way thru, made some deals and went from 8th to 5th, tough when you have Tijuana Two Step in your league hoarding over 100 pts!

    All of you who won, shhhhh, dont tell your friends….

  52. How could Rajai Davis not win Top SAGNOF?!!!

    Thanks for a great year Razz.

  53. weas says:
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    Yeah Rajai should have been Top SAGNOF.

  54. vinko says:
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    @big o: You know your right BIG O! I’m a faithful follower of Reverend Grey and his teachings.

  55. weas says:
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    @winnawinnachickendinna: I won my big money league too basically just following Grey’s advice.

    And yeah, none of my leaguemates know about this site and I’ll die before I tell them. Sorry Grey. ;)

  56. hayamate says:
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    thanks grey for all the advice. Homer Bailey won me a championship, how flippin crazy is that!!

  57. Jareth Cutestory says:
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    I enjoyed your site this season, and I finished 1rst and 4th in my two Sporting News leagues. Thanks for all the help.

    I think Mauer or Jeter deserve the AL fantasy MVP award. They were beasts for runs and average (especially vs. peers) if nothing else, and those are the two hardest categories to fix. ESPN player rater way over-values steals, by the way.

    Since Greinke already gets the separate pitchers award, everybody is happy.

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