Fantasy Baseball Advice

The royal we just went over the top 20 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  For those that skipped the title, this post is the top 40 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  If you’re looking for the hitters, it’s under the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings, which is also at the top of the page.  Barring unusual circumstances, I usually try to grab two starters from this list of twenty.  So I’ll have one starter from the first twenty and two from this, which gives me three.  Math’s been berry, berry good to me!  Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball:

21. Daniel Hudson – This tier started in the top 20 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This tier goes from here until Anibal.  I called this tier, “Am I crazy with these rankings?  Yeah, crazy like a fox!”  In 2011, Hudson’s K/9 was 6.85 as he struck out only 169.  That seems like the absolute basement and I’m banking on him striking out quite a few more guys in 2012.  In Triple-A, he had a K/9 of 10.41 and in 2010 he had 7.93 in the majors.  He had the third fastest, um, fastball in the Senior Circuit, but hitters made decent contact with pitches outside of the strike zone.  I expect that’ll change in 2012 and he’ll bump up his K-rate by at least 1.  To show my love, I almost put him in the top 20 starters.  Instead, he’s in an extended tier that started there.  I can only give so much love.  2012 Projections:  14-8/3.40/1.18/190

22. Jordan Zimmermann – I’ve ranked Zimmermann on the high side, but I was thinking about how it probably won’t matter.  Last year everyone and their lunch had an ERA under 3.  If that happens again, and I see no reason why it won’t, then there will be dozens of pitchers to own.  You’ll probably be able to draft Greinke, Zimmermann and wait seventy picks.  I’ll go over more about drafting strategy later.  As for Zimmermann, the K-rate will be better this year and if he holds the gains he made with his walk rate, he might just be a top 10 pitcher this year.  Yes, the Nats will be good.  2012 Projections:  14-6/3.25/1.15/170

23. Matt Garza – In 2009, Garza had a K/9 of 8.38 for the Rays.  I mention this so it doesn’t seem that outlandish to think he can repeat his K/9 from last year of 8.95.  Is he as sexy a name as the others in this tier?  Nope.  Can he be as productive?  Maybe more so.  I wouldn’t let it worry me too much that Epstein seems absolutely dead set on moving Garza.  Shizz happens as Forret Gump invented, don’t let it play too much into your drafting.  2012 Projections:  12-10/3.40/1.25/190

24. Anibal Sanchez – I shocked myself with this ranking.  Nearly fell off my Barclay Lounger!  Anibal was that good last year?  He (she?) was!  His K/9 of 9.26 and BB/9 of 2.93 were the best rates of his career.  Is there a chance he goes back into the junk drawer this year?  I guess, but why?  He’ll be 28 years old and entering his third full year, if you exclude his early years when he bounced back and forth between the minors and majors, battling injuries.  I love Anibal this year and I’m not sure if that should make me feel uncomfortable because of his gender-confusing first name.  I’m gonna type up a manifesto about my Anibal love in the weeks to come.  I may even type it up using only the blinks of my eyes to show how dedicated I am.  He is the Marlins’ ace.  Screw Josh Johnson and the stretcher he rode in on!  2012 Projections:  15-8/3.50/1.24/190

25. Josh Johnson – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Hanson.  I call this tier, “The ‘perts that are taking these guys are puff, puff, puffing; I’m passing.”  Josh Johnson and his porn star brother, Gosh, can show up at my house and plead their case for me drafting Johnson, and I will not.  Because of injury risk, I’m down on Johnson.  Okay, maybe I could’ve reworded that.  Someone can tattoo how healthy Johnson will be this year on the inside of my eyelids and I’ll ignore it.  I will not read one single “He’s healthier than he’s ever been in his life!” report from Spring Training.  Maybe we’ll see each again in 2013.  For now, I’m like John Bobbitt and I’m without Johnson.  2012 Projections:  10-3/2.75/1.05/100 in 110 IP

26. Ian Kennedy – My feelings against Kennedy aren’t quite as extreme as Johnson.  He’s just being overdrafted because of his 21 wins from last year.  If he had 15 wins, no one would’ve said anything about him not being in the top 20.  Who knew there were so many Murray Chasses (Chassi?) out there.  He’ll be lucky to get 15 wins this year.  Also, you throw in the fact he’s more of a 3.50 ERA pitcher than a 2.88 ERA that he was in 2011 and it’s yet another reason to avoid.  Will he shat the bed?  I guess it depends on what he eats, but I doubt it.  He made improvements on his K-rate and walk rate, but I still don’t trust him for where he’s being drafted and won’t pay the price.  And for all those haters who think I’m stupid for avoiding Kennedy, I go back to the fact there are a gazillion, give or take a million, starters to choose from.  If I’m having concerns about one guy, you’ll excuse me if I avoid him and take one of the other gazillion (plus or minus a million) pitchers.  2012 Projections:  15-10/3.50/1.12/180

27. Yu Darvish – I already went over my Yu Darvish fantasy.  It’s sexy and I know it.  2012 Projections:  14-7/3.60/1.10/190

28. Josh Beckett – Red State Jeter is just too flaky for me.  One year — 2.89 ERA; another year — 5.78 ERA.  What he actually is is (stutterer!) a 3.75 ERA pitcher.  What side of the 3.75 ERA bed Beckett wakes up no one knows, except for maybe some country singer no one’s ever heard of.  2012 Projections:  14-9/3.60/1.20/185

29. Ricky Romero – For full disclosure purposes — or porpoises if dolphins are reading — I almost put Romero in the sexy name tier.  He seemed to fit in there better than Garza, but when it came down to it, I wanted Garza more than I wanted Romero.  Last year, Romero had an ERA of 2.92 but an xFIP of 3.80.  Romero — what a joker!  His K-rate two of the last three years has been 7.13 and 7.12.  Um, they’re okay.  Finally, a cool name and an uncanny resemblance to LL Cool J does not make him sexy for fantasy.  Sorry, RR Cool Jay.  2012 Projections:  13-12/3.75/1.20/170

30. James Shields – Shields and Beckett are tomato-tomato with a different emphasis.  Good Ks, all over the map with their ERAs.  What I’m looking for from starters is the most trustworthy names I can find (even if Gallardo and Greinke don’t feel trustworthy).  Like a 1800′s soldier who just saw his first gun fired, I just don’t trust Shields.   2012 Projections:  13-11/3.70/1.25/190

31. Tommy Hanson – I felt like mmmdropping Hanson even lower, but settled on him here in a tier where I’m saying others are drafting these guys before me, i.e., I won’t own them, I before E except in Teixeira, I hope everyone can follow to not draft Hanson.  Think Hanson can be a Cy Young-type for many years, but I don’t trust his shoulder to be right this year.  I doubt 200 regular season innings is going to improve that.  2012 Projections:  9-7/3.75/1.20/130 in 120 IP

32. Matt Moore – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Luebke.  I call this tier, “Yummo!”  I already went over my Matt Moore fantasy.  I wrote it while buying a Pacman-shaped potato chip on eBay.  2012 Projections:  10-7/3.15/1.20/160 in 150 innings

33. Max Scherzer – I already went over my Max Scherzer 2012 fantasy.  There’s lots of love in that post.  If you read it in the dark, you can almost feel my erection.  2012 Projections:  14-8/3.70/1.30/195

34. Ubaldo Jimenez – Look at me giving Ubaldo another chance.  I’m one forgiving ess oh bee (except when it comes to Brian Bonsall ruining Family Ties).  Last year Ubaldo held his K-rate from his terrific season in 2010, but just had a bit of crappy luck.  I don’t expect a sub-3 ERA, but he’s also not the 4.68 ERA guy he was last year.  If I’m right, this is good news for all the Colorado-area parents that named their kids after Ubaldo back in 2010.  The bad news, they have to move to Cleveland.  2012 Projections:  13-10/3.65/1.27/190

35. Shaun Marcum – Member when March Grey said Marcum would start the 2011 All-Star Game?  What a dog-faced fool!  March Grey, “There’s more of me in you than you care to admit!  All of you!”  Look at you grandstanding like you’re Al Pacino.  March Grey, “Hoo-ah!”  Marcum didn’t take a step forward last year like I thought he might with the move to the NL, but he still performed admirably and if he has even the slightest of gains, he’ll have a great year.  If he just repeats last year, it’s still solid.  2012 Projections:  12-8/3.60/1.17/160

36. Brandon Beachy – Here’s a guy that could jump to the top 10 for next year or bomb and become a sleeper for 2013.  If he can turn in 170 innings with his 10+ K/9, you’re looking at a pitcher that is going to exceed this ranking by a lot.  If something sophomore slumpy happens, then you’re gonna have a wasted draft pick on your virtual hands.  Of course, his season may not be that cut and dry and be somewhere between those two predictions.  But what fun is that?  (BTW, there’s no reason to ask why Beachy is below other guys that have worse projections.  Beachy has more risk because of the lack of track record, hence the ranking.)  2012 Projections:  12-7/3.45/1.18/190 in 170 innings

37. Brandon Morrow – I already wrote a Brandon Morrow 2012 fantasy sleeper post.  A real snoozer in the inverse.  2012 Projections:  13-9/3.85/1.28/210

38. Cory Luebke – Out first appearance of a Hodgepadre in the starter rankings.  I can’t believe I haven’t written a sleeper post on Luebke yet, but that’ll all change after I fill my Adderall prescription.  Last year, Luebke had a K-rate of 9.92 and a xFIP of 3.02.  You need more?  You shouldn’t.  But fine, for you anything!  He can control his walks to the tune of under a 2 BB/9, as he did in the minors.  He’s only 26 years old (as of this writing) and he pitches in Petco.  When I say giddy, you say up.  Giddy… Up!  Giddy… Up!  P. Diddy… Up!  Fooled you.  2012 Projections:  9-8/3.25/1.09/170

39. Chris Carpenter – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the top 60 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “Might be fine, won’t be fine on my teams.”  I’ve never been a fan of Carpenter.  His Ks are solid, his ERAs are solid, his WHIPs are solid.  My dislike is unwarranted, basically.  Right?  Or not right?  He’s only topped 200 Ks once in his career and that was back in 2005 when he threw 241 2/3 innings.  Anyone who owned him last year when he was 1-7 with a 4.47 ERA and a 1.39 WHIP as of June 17th, probably won’t go near him this year either.  We can be friends.  Wait by your phone, I’ll call you.  2012 Projections:  13-10/3.65/1.25/165

40. Johnny Cueto – I’ve liked Cueto since he emerged on the scene.  Liked him even more when he Zabka’d LaRue.  We’re gonna take a break this year.  His peripherals last year were a mess.  6 K/9, 3.90 xFIP, crazy low BABIP… Crouching Cueto, Hidden Dragon Breath Stats.   2012 Projections:  11-6/3.80/1.25/130

Tommy Hanson is having his next start pushed back.  Well, it’s not official yet according to the Braves.  But they read Razzball, so we’ll just say it’s official now.  Even if Hanson’s next start isn’t pushed back, it should be.  On Saturday he looked like Rocky Dennis trying on a fitted ball cap.  If you got nothing nice to say, say nothing.  Athletes live by that adage.  So when the media asked Hanson about his shoulder after the game on Saturday, he refused to talk about it.  Earlier in the year, Hanson went to the DL with rotator cuff tendinitis.  A’la Paul Hogan, “That’s not a red flag… THIS IS A RED FLAG!”  My best guess is he’ll be on the Disgraceful List by this time tomorrow.  What time am I writing this?  Geez, a little in my business, no?  Let’s just say it’s prior to dinner, but after my afternoon Cheetos break.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Kubel – 3-for-4 with his 9th homer.  He now has three homers in the last six games.  When I say hot, you say schmotato… Hot… Schmotato… Hot…Schmotato… Pot…Schmo– Gotcha!

Jesus Guzman - 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a steal.  Has now hit in 9 out of his last 10 games.  Jesus obviously feels right at home with the Friars.

Chase Headley – Out for 6 weeks with a fractured pinkie.  His Inky, Blinky and Clyde are said to be resting comfortably.

Heath Bell – 1/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save in Metco.  If you’re upset about your treatment while a Met, that’s not exactly how you prove people wrong.  Cust kayin’.

Jason Bay – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in three games, and he’s also 6 for his last 11 as he spices up the Mets’ lineup with a little of the old Bay.

Mike Minor - Hasn’t been all peaches and cream so far for Minor, but he could take Hanson’s place if he is indeed bumped.  Hey, when a pitcher is struggling and bumped from a rotation, we should call that bumping uglies.  Okay, carry on.

Alex Gonzalez - 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer.  He’s now hit in 9 of the last 10 games, which is a polite way of saying he’s hitting around .280 in the last ten games.  Maybe Adam Dunn is the only one impressed by that.

Scott Baker – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Sounds like he’s headed to the DL again.  Too bad, so sad.

Jeremy Hellickson – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  ERA now sits at 3.05 to go with a 1.14 WHIP.  His Ks are a little low, but Hellickson’s having a, um, hell of a year.  I could see the Rays being conservative with his innings towards the tail end of the year once they’re (un)officially eliminated.

Carlos Carrasco – To the DL for the 2nd time with right elbow inflammation.  He still has a suspension to serve too, so that’s ‘bow biding.

Shin-Soo Choo – Hitless in his first rehab game.  Sounds like he picked up right where he left off!

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer.  As he crossed home plate, he should’ve bit Matt Wieters’s arm off to punctuate how this homer was him rising from the dead.

Alex Rios – 2-for-4 with a steal.  Speaking of zombies, he must’ve got a talking to from his agent last week about how much money he won’t earn if he continues to lollygag because he’s 7 for his last 13.  Though I wouldn’t be exactly confident in trusting him again, i.e. if you pick up Rios, you may get all wet.  Spanish pun point!  Or puno!

John Danks – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Is it me or is it every time Danks or Gavin Floyd seem ownable, they write “I stink” in their own excrement on the walls of your fantasy team?

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer.  If you would’ve jumped out of DeLorean in April and told me one of my best pickups in multiple leagues would be J.J. Hardy, I would’ve called you a mental patient or said I had a bunch of teams not doing very well.  The latter’s not exactly untrue, assuming I know my latter from my former.

Josh Johnson – Threw for 10 minutes yesterday.  Sweet, now if he can get in one pitch every three seconds, he’s ready for big league action!

J.D. Martinez – Homered on Saturday and went deep again yesterday.  And that’s about all the enthusiasm I can work up for an Astros hitter.  I mean, their corner outfielders right now are J.D Martinez and J.B. Shuck.  Where’s I.P. Freely?

Daniel Hudson – 3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K and 3 more unearned runs for the ticker shock.  Still, against the Astros?  Really?

Homer Bailey – 3 IP, 5 ER.  Aren’t you glad you listened to me and didn’t pick him up?  Oh, you didn’t listen.  Well, I guess you’ll blame that on me too.

Jay Bruce – Homered yesterday.  How does he go from 12 homers in May to next to nothing for two-plus months?  Does he want to be maddeningly frustrating?  Because that’s about as much fun as trying to say maddeningly.

Seth Smith – The Lisper’s Nightmare went deep twith.

Placido Polanco – Said he hopes to play through a sports hernia.  That takes balls.

Bobby Jenks – Undergoing a colonoscopy.  Ironically enough, Colon just got his Jenks tested.  It required turning to his left and coughing.

Derrek Lee went 2-for-4 with 3 RBIs and two homers as he continues to get medieval on pitching, which isn’t an old crack, though it could be.  I appreciate the Pirates trying to make moves at the trading deadline, but their moves were kinda of the “We’re gonna make moves so it seems like we’re doing something, but we’re just gonna grab guys like Ludwick” variety.  No one really thinks Ludwick and Lee were the vital pieces, right?  As for the Indians, I thought they’d go the Ludwick-type trade route too, but they actually made much stronger moves.  No, this doesn’t have much to do with fantasy, but we do still actually watch baseball, right?  It’s not just a game played between the fantasy lines on your computer screen, is it?  Now to begin the slideshow — sorry, thought I was writing that crizzap for Bleacher Report.  What a POS content farm.  Seriously, if I ever see Bleacher Report hanging out with eHow one night after a few daiquiris, it could get ugly.  Wow, that was a huge aside. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rubby de la Rosa – To the DL with a sprained ulnar collateral ligament.  Oh no, collateral damage!  Yeah, that’s not good.  Overall, it’s been a bad year to be a de la Rosa.  Wilkin, you better watch your back.  Or Dane de la Rosa.  Or Ruben de la Rosa.  Or Rafael, Carlos, Alexis, Maikel and Yunior de la Rosa, to name only the first nine I found at baseball-reference.  Quite the de la Rosa renaissance.  I’m beginning to think that scouts in Latin America are getting paid off by matriarch, Esmeralda de la Rosa.  “Have you seen my boy, Tomas de la Rosa?  No?  Okay, first you have dessert then we go see him.”

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-5 with 2 homers.  A’la Cher from Clueless, “AS-drubal!”  Speaking of surnames, it’s quite a battle for the most productive Cabrera between Miggy, Asdrubal and Melky.  If you took the 5 million to 1 Vegas odds for Melky being the best Cabrera this year, you’re a lot closer than anyone could’ve thought in March.

Barry Zito – Back to the DL.  I.e., baked Zito.

Freddy Sanchez – Undergoing season-ending season to repair his labrum.  You can only lose your virginity once, Freddy.  Sorry…

Jonathan Sanchez – Filthy Sanchez is set to start on Friday vs. the Phils.  If he can work around Phil Jackson, Donahue and Spector, he should be safe to start.  I’d grab Filthy if someone dropped him while he was rehabbing for what felt like four months.  He’s always good for those delicious Ks (and tying his owners to the WHIPping post).

Matt Cain – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I liked him better when he was outperforming his FIP.  That’s what she said!  No, she probably didn’t because only three nerdheads in The Missouri Bootheel even know what FIP is and they don’t talk to girls.

Cory Luebke – 7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He should’ve chewed up the Dodgers and spit out a 7 IP, 3 ER start.  This is coming after a most unimpressive 6 IP, 4 ER.  But — and unless you’re an alien there’s also a but — his WHIP is below one still.  You have to remain patient for at least one more start.

Jesus Guzman – 6 for his last 11.  Kyle Blanks — hype!  Anthony Rizzo — hype!  Yet, Jesus is the only one doing work (though not carpentry).

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 with a single.  Now you must be happy you stashed him in June.

Trevor Cahill – 4 IP, 7 ER.  When pitchers I don’t like perform badly, it actually doesn’t make me the least bit happy.  Of course, I’m joking.  Schadenfreude!

Coco Crisp – 2-for-4 with, like, his 12th steal in the past three days.  I’m only sorta joking.  He has 6 steals in 3 days.  Now I’m being cerealious.

Shin-Soo Choo – Will take BP this week.  Where is he taking them?  To the Gulf to see what they did… Oh, batting practice!  Gotcha.

Bud Norris – Left yesterday’s start with a blister on his finger.  It’s something to watch.  Not literally, unless you’re in the same room as him.  And, even if you are, it’s impolite to stare.

Mark Melancon – 2 IP lowering his ERA to 2.98 and the win because the Astros don’t need that albatross Hunter Pence!

Matt Holliday – 2-for-3 with a homer.  I’ve been so busy underreporting Lance Berkman and Justin Verlander that I think I actually have underreported Matt Holliday.  He hit his 15th homer yesterday to go along with his zero steals.  Who are you, Andre Ethier?  That’s a whole lot of name value right now and not so much fantasy.

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Sonavabench!  Sure, can’t throw a good start for weeks then you get murderer’s row plus Pence and hold them to one run.  Of course you do.

Clay Buchholz – Shut it down, ‘holz.  He’s about to.  Sounds like Buchhurtz is done for the year.

Jason Kipnis – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  You, “Grey, Schumaker or Kipnis?” What I read, “Hmm… Should you pick up the old guy who’s hitting or the young guy with all the upside that’s hitting?”  I tell you Kipnis.  You, “Thanks!” What I read, “Nice ‘stache.”

Lucas Duda – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Duda’s done doodie since I put him in Friday’s Buy, but this could be the start of something.

Omar Infante – 3-for-5, Bonifacio must’ve passed the conch shell to his teammate because Infante has now hit in nine of ten games and is hitting near .375 in that span.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-5 with the grand slam off Izzy.  Anyone who hasn’t seen Stanton hit a ball, they should watch it some time.  He looks like the superhero, Blok.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I’m pretty sure Vazquez and Liriano are conspiring against me like they’re Sean Penn in The Game.

Josh Johnson – Will resume throwing on Tuesday because he was shutdown last week and that’s what pitchers who like getting repeatedly hurt do.  They throw after they’re shutdown.  This should end well.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. Hit a broken bat homer yesterday, which would be impressive for most, but his bat is an extra 18 letters long.

Jonny Gomes was acquired by the Washington Nationals.  This is exciting for Gomes’s family and any National fans who like to make signs for the games but can’t write the letter H.  Gomes will platoon with Nix and, if anything, his value is hurt a bit by the home venue change.  The real story is the call up of Reds prospect, Yonder Alonso.  In 353 ABs in Triple-A this year, Alonso had 12 homers and 6 steals with a .297 average.  I took all the prospect reports on Alonso and put through my supercomputer and out came, “Should develop into a 20+ homer hitter with a great eye.  Reds TV can save time by eliminating instant replay because he runs like he’s in slow mo.”  His starting time may be iffy in Cincy, platooning in left field.  Did this stop me from grabbing him?  Well, to use one of the worst songs of all time, I’d rather hurt you with honesty than mislead you with a lie so I’ll just come out and tell you I grabbed Alonso in every league where I could.  My leagues are deep though, so in most mixed leagues you can wait to see his playing time.  In keepers and NL-Only leagues, you proceed without caution.  Or no caveat emptor, for our friends in Latin America.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Bautista – Left yesterday’s game after getting beaned in the melon.   He left on his own power and is being called day-to-day with no signs of a concussion.  Maybe the hit on the head will have him return as Jason Bourne.  That would be cool.  Then he bring down Aaron Hill for trying to kill my fantasy teams.

Aaron Hill – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer.  Aw, speaking of the devil, and I don’t mean devil in the idiomatic sense.  Sophisticated ignorance, write my curses in cursive.  How on earth (assuming Canada is on earth) does he only have 5 homers?  He had three months last year where he hit 5 or more homers.  Maybe his bats ain’t accustomed to going through customs.

Adam Lind – 1-for-4 with his 19th homer.  In June, he had back-to-back homer games then went four games without a homer then he hit a homer.  This month he had back-to-back homer games then went four games and guess what?  He hit a homer.  Damn, how does Jayson Stark make that trivial shizz interesting?  Oh, wait, he doesn’t.

Brandon Morrow – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  So inconsistent proves that Morrow isn’t guaranteed for anyone.

Yunesky Maya – Gave up 7 runs in his last Triple-A start.  The Nats wish it was May 5th when he rafted over from Cuba so they could’ve sinka de Maya.

Matt Holliday – Out with food poisoning.  Rasmus sprinkled some expired Colby cheese on his lunch.

David Freese – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer.  And no injury!

Zach Britton – With a 5.40 ERA in Double-A, he’ll get the call in a doubleheader vs. the Yanks.  I’m sure Zach is thrilled.  Come on up to face the Yankees!  I’m expecting a Not-So-Great Britton.

J.J. Hardy – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and 2 homers to bring his season total to 16.  Potatoes to chips, I never thought I’d be so happy to own Hardy.  For those new to the site, the potatoes to chips phrase’s sole purpose is to befuddle you into thinking it means something.  Don’t be fooled!  But feel free to use it in everyday conversation.  Potatoes to chips, I already brought in the mail.  Potatoes to chips, I have to stay late at work so start dinner without me.  Potatoes to chips, I have herpes.  It works for every occasion!

Derrek Lee – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs with his 11th home run.  When we’re in July and he gets more than 12% of his RBIs in one game, it’s not a season to remember.  But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — he’s been a 2nd half hitter in recent memory.

Vance Worley – 9 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  About two weeks ago when I told you to pick up Worley, someone commented that he (Worley, not the commenter) was due for a regression.  He has a 2.02 ERA — of course he’s going to regress!  Still, while he’s pitching like Sandy Koufax meets Don Drysdale — Dandy Koufdale, pick him up.

Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks for his 14th win.  Through 161 innings(!), his ERA is now at 1.79 (!!) with a 0.95 WHIP (!!!).  He makes me want to grow a mullet and be ugly.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The bad news is he’s limping to the “You’re finished” line.  Good news is he’s lowering his draft position for next year.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4 as Emily Boneface’s hitting streak has reached 24 games.  Pretty remarkable from a guy who I’m not even sure has ever hit in 24 games total throughout a season.

Logan Morrison – 1-for-4 with his 16th homer.  Morrison didn’t break on through like I thought he would so far this year.  His walk rate has plummeted pretty dramatically, which makes me think he might be pressing because of some bad luck with balls hit into play.  Or as Shakira might say, BABIPs don’t lie.

Josh Johnson – However, ball clubs do lie.  It’s now being reported that Johnson won’t pitch again in 2011.  I have a secret for you, he won’t pitch all of 2012 either.  Let’s call it an educated guess.

Brian McCann – The mysterious oblique injury laid dormant for a few weeks, letting hamstring pulls and concussions take center stage, but now it’s back.  McCann might be McCan’t for a few weeks as he was placed on the 15-day DL.

CC Sabathia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners and he struck out 14 of 25 Mariners he faced.  In an effort to stop the losing streak, Eric Wedge shaved off his mustache.  That’s all you had going for you, man.  Everyone knows the entire cliche is “Don’t shoot the messenger and don’t ever shave your mustache.”  Through the years the “don’t ever shave your mustache” part was dropped because it’s IMPLIED!

David Ortiz – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and Dustin Pedroia also went 4-for-5.  With the Yankees vs. the Mariners blowout and the Sawx playing the peasant Royals, Selig’s league parity is working almost as well as his toupee.

Billy Butler – 3-for-4 with his 2nd homer this week.  One for each of his luscious moobs.  Along with Derrek Lee, he was also in the 2nd half hitters to watch post.

Neftali Feliz – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and the blown save.  Guess he’s using reverse psychology to convince the Rangers they don’t need Heath Bell.

Adam Dunn – 1-for-4 with a homer.  I didn’t see it so I’m gonna assume the box score had a typo.  Carry on.

Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and 6 unearned runs.  I nearly had a heart attack from this ticker shock.

Joey Votto – 2-for-4 and his first homer in what feels like a year but is really only since July 8th.  Someone asked in our forums why no power for Votto and I’m really not sure.  His line drive percentage is way up and his homer per fly ball is down, so maybe he’s just making too good of contact, if such a thing exists.  It’s not like his other numbers are poor.  I think it’s the kind of thing that will correct itself.

John Axford – Tied Doug Jones’ Brewers record for consecutive saves (25).  Doug Jones still owns the record for mistaking the kielbasa mascot from the 7th inning stretch race for an actual sausage and biting its ankle.  A record seven times!

Tim Byrdak – Got the save yesterday because Parnell and Izzy were used the last two days.  Oh, and July 27th is the winning entry for “Pick the date Tim Byrdak makes it into a roundup.”

Tim Lincecum – Was scratched with a bad case of the flu.  Brian Wilson rubbed VapoRub on Lincecum’s hairless chest and said, “I’m a certified ninja and home nurse.  He’ll be feeling better quicker than a penguin screws a duck.  Giants do it with science.  Now watch me eat a lemon and a lime and piss Sprite!”

Erik Bedard is headed to the DL.  The Bedarded they come, the Bedarded they fall.  So, he has a sprained knee.  “Ow, I think I hurt myself getting onto the examination table to have you check my shoulder.”  That’s Bedard at the doctor’s office.  Right now, the Erich Bedardens are showing the Bennis Carpensheeters a thing or two about staying unhealthy.  Keep it sickly, Bedardens!  Will be interesting to see if the M’s fill Bedard’s rotation spot with Chris Tillman– Oh, wait.  At least the Mariners still have Adam Jones– Oh, that’s right.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dustin Ackley – Slam and legs with the lefty-on-lefty HR against Everyday Jonny Venters.  He’s hitting 5th now for the Mariners, which is like hitting 10th for the Yankees.  That said, any MI who can hit 10th for the Yankees, is pretty damn good.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Carrasco’s getting hitters with his unique blend of salt, vinegar and cayenne peppers, and moving up the Scoville scale, so to speak.  Carrasco was always a regarded prospect and it looks like he’s finally putting it together.  I’ll buy it.  Masterson, I will also buy.  Tomlin, I do not buy.  Carmona’s crizzap even if he has potential closnarl.  That’s a scary-faced closer.  Valverde has mad closnarl.

Stephen Drew – 1-for-4 and his 5th home run.  He has a .266 average and about six years worth of hope wasted.  The one positive for Drew’s owners or wannabe owners is he tends to have a solid 2nd half.

Tim Stauffer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  His season ERA is 2.97, solid Ks and a 1.19 WHIP.  Yeah, that’s better than the fifth starter on your fantasy team.  Hodgepadre, shmodgepadre.  He should just be owned.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a steal.  Now batting .175 with one home run.  It’s rookie nookie, you gotta decide if it’s worth the blisters.

Rubby de la Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Speaking of blisters, Rubby’s K:BB isn’t good at all, but his K-rate is nice.  To get less statistically abbreviated on you, I like him in very deep leagues, but not in any other ones for right now.

Ben Revere – 2-for-3 with his 9th steal in 40 games, and third steal in the last two games.  The concussed Span’s got the spins and could be out for a year or two if we’re to believe Morneau’s case example of being a Marblehead.  Whoa, burn!  In the mean’s while, Revere keeping his Somerville’d by lacing up his cleats and Salem from base to base.  Hey, you’re nobody until you’re Peabody.

Scott Baker – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  ERA is 3.15, 1.19 WHIP and 101 Ks in 105 2/3 IP.  Props need to go out to Rudy on Baker.  Back in April, Rudy said, “Baker has shown the potential to rise to another level (1.19 WHIP in 2009) but has been generally plagued by bad innings and gopheritis.  I’m sure I’m in the minority on this one but I’d rather have Baker than Liriano this year.”  And that’s me quoting Rudy!  Then I followed that up with a Buy article about Baker on April 22nd and again on April 29th.   It’s all there, search the site.

Alex Presley – 0-for-3 and a steal.  Not much to say here other than PICK HIM UP.  (Caps for emphasis, not aesthetics.)  Sorry, but I love seeing guys give fantasy value when they go oh-fer.  Shows me they’re really concerned for our fantasy teams’ well-being.

Eric Thames – 1-for-4 with a home run.  Hitting near .350 over the last week.  Could be a nice HBI (Hot Bat Injection) for those who need some power.

Brandon Morrow – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  [drooling] Brandon Morrow now has 91 Ks in 75 IP. [/drooling]

Andre Ethier – 0-for-4, 3 Ks.  Yesterday, Tristan Cockcroft pointed out Ethier as a guy that is overrated.  I said that back in February.  (I know I said that too about Bautista.  Remember, I’m the one carrying the cross.)

Jayson Werth – Out with a bad hip.  Could be side-whined for a few days.

Ryan Franklin – Released by the Cardinals.  Take it one day at a time, Ryan.  Like your mom, Bonnie Franklin.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd home run in as many games.  Geiger, let’s go!

Chris Carpenter - 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks as he threw 132 pitches.  I wonder if La Russa will let Carpenter hammer the last nail in his coffin.

Ryan Dempster – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Easy matchup vs. the Giants but he still has some correcting to do with his 4.99 ERA.  I like him to get it down to around 4.00.

Josh Johnson – Saw Dr. Freeze and he found nothing but still shutdown Johnson for ten days.  A doctor’s gotta maintain his rep, I suppose.  “Don’t waste my time, Josh Johnson!  You’re grounded for 10 days.  Yes, that includes playing catch.  Yes, it’s fine to call your friend James Van Der Beek.  I don’t care if your friend Katie Holmes’ husband told you the pain is mental.”  Or if you prefer, “Tonight, a freeze is coming.”

Shaun Marcum – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks in The House They Built Next To The House Ruth Built.  Wasn’t an easy matchup, but I’m concerned Marcum isn’t fully healthy.

Jordan Zimmermann – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 2.63 ERA on the year.  February Grey told everyone to have Zimmermann or Beachy as their last starter.  February Grey, “Actually, I told everyone Zimmermann and Mike Minor, but then March Grey told everyone to switch it out with Beachy.  Carry on, June Grey, enjoy your last day!”

Dan Haren – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  ERA is now at 2.85.  I’ve been deliberating whether to tell you Haren’s going to have a 2nd half slide.  I’ll let you know what verdict the jury brings back.

Vance Worley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Walks too many, and he’s been getting lucky.  If you trust him, you’re gonna get roofied and that’s gonna hurt your naughty bits.

Raul Ibanez – 3-for-3 with a slam and legs.  Has been getting benched because of his slump but this game might be the sign of an upcoming hot streak.  Stay tuned!  Or not.  Your choice.

Antonio Bastardo – Recorded the save yesterday for the Phillies.  After the game, Charlie Manuel, wearing overalls and no shirt, said something but failed to remove the piece of hay from his mouth so no one’s sure what he said.

Jonny Venters – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I think the Braves are going to kill him from overuse then strap him to the roof of their station wagon as they head off to Wally World.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper is having knee pain.  It’s a wonder he ever makes it out of bed.

Ty Wigginton – 1-for-3 with guess what?  Yup.

Jason Giambi – 2-for-3 with his 9th homer.  Having a much better season than Morneau.  Stab me in the eye.

Phil Hughes – Threw a solid start in rehab.  Why’s he pitching against a bunch of recovering drug addicts?  Inner voice, “It’s not that rehab!”  Um, right.  So I’m not a fan of Hughes for this year, told you to steer clear of him in the preseason, and don’t have high hopes for him when he returns.  With that said — yeah, I’m about to retract everything I just said — I’d stash him on my bench if I had room.

Clay Buchholz – As ESPN will tell you, with every Yankee mention, there needs to be a Red Sox mention.  Buchholz felt back pain on Tuesday and says he won’t return before the All-Star Game.  Too bad, so sad.

Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4 and 2 home runs.  Hayzeus Cristo, it took him long enough to get hot again.  Hang on for an eight homer month, assuming he stays healthy.

Jason Bay – 1-2 with 4 BBs, 3 Runs, and 2 SBs.  Since he’s not hitting any HRs, he’s reinventing himself as a leadoff hitter.  He better not want Crawford money – oh wait, the Mets are kind of paying him that already.

Angel Pagan – The oxymoron went 4-for-6 with 3 runs and 4 RBIs.  Dan Brown is writing a book as we speak called Angels & Pagans.  In the plot, the Catholic Church is involved in a conspiracy that is thwarted by a Latin outfielder and Mr. Met.