It’s beginning to feel like it’s not an offseason without a trade of Wil Myers. In three short years, he’s gone from the Royals to the Rays and now on to the Padres. Only place he can go from the Padres is the Tokyo Yakult Swallows. They would hope Myers could carry them against their most hated rivals, the Yakuza Spits. The Miller Lite-inspired commercials between the Spits and Swallows in Japan are a real crack up. Tastes great!…Spit it out!…Tastes great!…Spit it out! Before Myers is pushing daisies in the NPB, he’ll bide his time in San Diego and try to right this rapidly sinking prospect boat. “Ice-cold sophomore year right ahead!” In all for realliness, I was planning on jumping back in the Myers sinking ship prior to this trade, and I don’t think it kills his value. Would I prefer he went to Coors? Yeah, well, dur. I also don’t think a 24-year-old former top prospect is washed up just because he had one bad year after fracturing his wrist. Takes time to bounce back from that type of injury and one thing we have is time. Well, you with the oxygen mask and cigarette might have less time. In a few years, we’re going to look back at Myers’s 2014 as it should be viewed now, a blip. I’m about as sure of that as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti. Or as sure of it that I’m listening to too much Toto’s Africa. Sure, Petco won’t do him any favors, but if his wrist is at hundred percent there shouldn’t be any problems getting at least 20 homers. Shoot, he could hit 10 homers in just his road games in Coors and Arizona. For 2015, I’ll give him 61/20/72/.277/8. Definitely sleeper material here. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2015 fantasy baseball:
Brandon Morrow – Signed with Padres. This is one of those signings that immediately makes fantasy baseballers see wavy lines. “What if Morrow stayed healthy all year?” Wavy lines. “Can you imagine Morrow in Petco?” Wavy lines. “Why can’t I get reception to these pay stations that I don’t pay for?” Wavy lines. Morrow should be a solid upside gamble– Shoot, before I finished that sentence he hurt himself. For 2015, I’ll give him 5-7/3.17/1.21/112 in 120 IP.
Ryan Hanigan – Heads to the Padres with Myers. Hanigan has 25 homers and 1 steal in 558 major league games. He’s one heckuva pitch framer though, so if your league counts Pitch Framing, go crazy!
Steven Souza – Went to the Rays in the three-way Myers trade. Souza is a little cheaper than Myers and helps build up the Rays’ horn section. Souza might be the last remnants of Bowden fluffers in Washington. Get a load of this– Hmm, maybe that’s a bad turn of a phrase when talking about fluffers. Anyway, look at his last few years: 11 HRs, 25 SBs in 2011; 23 HRs, 14 SBs in 2012; 16 HRs, 30 SBs in 2013 and 18 HRs, 26 SBs last year in Triple-A. You, “Please don’t tell me the bad news, I refuse to listen!” Sorry, You. He looks like he might not hit .240 without some favorable BABIP luck. Yes, the Rays have their 2nd Desmond Jennings. Call Souza, Desmond 2 Too. This won’t be the last time you hear about Souza this offseason, and he could be an absolute steal in drafts. For 2015, I’ll give him 58/12/65/.234/22 with lots of upside.
Burch Smith – Part of the same trade to the Rays. He’ll likely start the year in the minors since he missed most of 2014 with a forearm injury. I’m rooting for Burch’s return.
Jake Bauers – Also heads to the Rays. That’s if he can get there in the next 24 hours. In real time!
Rene Rivera – Also to the Rays. Rene Rivera was once a sexy, just-one-of-the-guy-types seen in movies like Get Shorty and Tin Cup– *checking notes* Yeah, that’s right, but now she’s a major league catcher. Rene has 12-homer power and legs that go on forever. For 2015, I’ll give him 41/12/49/.244.
Jake McGee – Having elbow surgery to remove loose bodies. Sounds like a bad CSI episode mashed up with Innerspace. McGee won’t have an official timetable until the spring, but is likely out until at least May. What’s worse: Ernesto Frieri is now the Rays closer. Someone somewhere must’ve decreed the Rays can’t have anything easy after the eighth inning.
Melky Cabrera – Signed with the White Sox. Who lit a fire under Jerry Reinsdorf’s ass? The Dorf’s on a spending spree (that was the one where Tim Conway, as The Dorf, reenacts the Rodeo Drive spending spree from Pretty Woman). Some players seem to languish on lousy teams and never get to play for an offensive juggernaut. Melky is the exact opposite. He seems to always land somewhere he’s going to rack up counting stats. Maybe it’s his HTML skills. Maybe it’s that most powerhouse teams are run by men that are lactose intolerant and they’re trying to make up for their inadequacies off the field by getting Melky. It’s prolly the latter reason. For 2015, I’ll give him 85/14/65/.304/8.
Chase Headley – Signed with the Yankees. He’ll play 3rd base and maybe cede time to A-Rod on the rare occasion, which is appropriate since A-Rod’s known in strip clubs by the nickname, Chase Manly Head. If Headley were to have played all of last season in New York, he would’ve hit about 14 homers, which would have been his 2nd highest home run total in his career. Sadly, the way offense is going 14 homers is going to lead the league in a few years. For 2015, I’ll give him 67/16/71/.274/6.
Chris Capuano – Signed with Yanks. This is a terrible signing because before Capuano signed, when you asked a Yankee fan how bad was their rotation, they’d shrug and struggle to explain. Now, they just have to say, “It’s so bad Capuano’s in our rotation.”
Justin Ruggiano – Traded to the Mariners. Ruggiano is currently slotted into the everyday lineup, but I’m guessing the Mariners got him so he could ‘accidentally’ collide with Logan Morrison. “Should I hashtag before or after my witty retort–Oh, crap!” *crash*
Edinson Volquez – Signed a two-year $20 million deal with the Royals. He should send nineteen-point-nine million dollars worth of Omaha Steaks to the Pirates pitching coach, Ray Searage, for the holidays. Edinson is gonna be like that State Farm commercial where the wife catches her husband talking to someone late at night and thinks it’s a mistress. Only in Edinson’s case it’ll be him talking to Searage, “No, I know you don’t play the Angels this year, but could you look at some of their scouting reports for me?” For 2015, I’ll give him 10-12/4.24/1.40/136.
Michael Morse – Signed with the Marlins. I thought it was sick and twisted how Loria would sign all of these offseason guys with the obvious intention of getting rid of them at the first trading deadline, but this Morse signing is just too much. In the last three years, Morse has 14 homers in April and no two months combined have more. So, of course, by April 30th, the Marlins will be in first with an explosive first month by Morse only to watch him on May 1st pull his hammy with his oblique. For 2015, I’ll give him 56/18/62/.262.
Alex Rios – Signed with the Royals. He has a ton of performance-based incentives in his contract like, “Are you at least pretending to care?” “Okay, we know hustle is asking a lot, but maybe you gait a little longer,” and the final clause, “Don’t curse out our fans.” Last year, Rios’s batted ball profile suggests that he’s getting old, but his 2011, when he hit 11 homers, suggested the same and then he turned on his heart light in 2012 and 2013. The only difference is now he actually is getting old. He’ll be 34 years old in February, which is not an age when players go out and hit 20 homers and steal 35 bases after hitting 4 homers and stealing 17. His projections are hard to pin down due to the swings in value from year to year and because the Royals could plug him into the three hole or leadoff or 7th. For 2015, I’ll give him 72/14/67/.274/20.
Jed Lowrie – Signed with the Astros. Last year, Lowrie had a 14% strikeout percentage. On the Astros, that’s downright Wee Willie Keeler-ish! Hopefully the other Astros don’t feel like Lowrie’s putting them on the shine with his big city attitude towards the chucking of their whifflesticks at balls in the dirt. Robbie Grossman yells, “Don’t worry about where we put our whifflesticks, Lowrie!” Then Chris Carter steps in the middle, “I may look like Ryan Howard, but I’m a gentle giant like the Green Mile guy and I won’t let no warring happen between teammates!” Then Lowrie and Robbie Grossman begrudgingly shake. That’s all assuming the Astros are broadcast in black and white. If they’re not, I’ll give Lowrie the projections 54/14/58/.242/2.
John Mayberry – Signed by the Mets in hopes a -berry in the lineup will bring back the (non-drug) offense. Perhaps the front office is the one on coke these days.
Brett Anderson – Signed with the Dodgers. On October 2nd of 2015, Brett Anderson and Brandon Morrow will start against each other for their respective 30th starts of the year. And then the world will explode. For 2015, I’ll give Anderson 7-2/3.06/1.12/79 in 115 IP.