Fantasy Baseball Advice

This is almost the end of the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings.  With these top 80 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball, there’s a few names that I’m really gunning for on my teams… My deeper teams.  On last year’s top 80, there were a few guys that shot up the rankings (Hellickson, Anibal, Garza and Zimmermann), so I imagine a lot of you won’t need most of the names on this list, but there will be some.  Now humor me.  There’s tiers and projections mentioned for everyone.  Anyway, here’s the top 80 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball:

61. Brandon McCarthy – This tier started in the top 60 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This tier ends at Peavy.  I called this tier, “Holy crap, there were a lot of starters I didn’t like in the top 60 starters post.  Let’s see some names I like.  Please.”  The first two guys in this tier could’ve been called, “Young pitchers who don’t strike out many that you should start at home.”  McCarthy’s ERA at home was 2.65 and 1.11 WHIP.  As said two sentences ago– Two Sentences Ago, “Why don’t you come up with your own points?”  McCarthy doesn’t strike out a whole lot of guys.  2012 Projections:  8-11/3.50/1.17/140

62. Tim Stauffer – Last year Stauffer had a home ERA of 2.57 and a 1.13 WHIP.  I’ll give this to you nice and simple like Minnie Pearl would’ve wanted it.  Stauffer is a Hodgepadre.  Start him at home and sit him on the road.  He did have 94 1/3 IP innings at home last year, so you’re talking about a top tier reliever’s ratio stats if you hold firm when to start him.  2012 Projections:  8-10/3.80/1.24/135

63. Ted Lilly – I could’ve made a sub-tier within this tier calling these last three guys, “Pitchers that I refuse to learn from no matter how many times they burn me.”  I really believe last year we saw the beginning of the end of Lilly.  Fading Lilly, if you like pithy comments that sound like sushi restaurants.  There’s some arguments to be made that that (stutterer!) is incorrect.  He did come on in the 2nd half (2.94 ERA, 8+ K/9).  If you believe his 1st half (4.79 ERA) was just an aberration on the that-ain’t-the-real-thing tip, then I could see grabbing Lilly late.  For his price, it’s probably worth it.  2012 Projections:  11-8/3.85/1.18/160

64. Scott Baker – For those of you that can’t wait to read the end of this post just to comment that Lilly and Baker’s projections look better than Stauffer and McCarthy so why do I have them below?  Don’t.  Lilly is on the downswing of his career and Baker can’t stay healthy.  Take an upside flyer with Stauffer or McCarthy before these guys.  Those of you who didn’t read this blurb and commented about the order of the rankings, you’re not reading this either.  Too bad, I would’ve had you say hello to your mother for me.  Hey now!  2012 Projections:  11-7/3.65/1.19/160

65. Jake Peavy – If he can stay healthy, he could be valuable.  Unfortunately, my man can’t stay healthy.  Grey, you have no faith in medicine, The White Stripes.  If I were the type to say completely unsubstantiated claims with no factual evidence, I’d say Peavy can’t stay healthy because he used to do steroids.  I would never say that though.  I’m way above that!  Hopefully, there’s no my-momma-didn’t-name-me-that scandal with the reveal that he’s really Jack Peavy and actually 78 years old, but that would jive with all of his health problems.  For those worried about the integrity of our great game, I do think the name scandals will soon end with all players selling their naming rights to companies.  Now pitching for the New York Yankees… Saran Wrap!  2012 Projections:  10-8/3.75/1.21/130

66. Ryan Vogelsong – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Jackson.  I call this tier, “You may get a number three fantasy starter or you may get someone similar to Nadir Bupkus.”  Last year didn’t really make sense.  Not in general, unless you’re trying to figure why you like baseball yet weren’t that crazy about Moneyball.  I think you had to not like baseball to love Moneyball.  But I was referring to last year not making sense for Vogelsong.  He’s like 40 years old (34) and he just put up his best season, even though his peripherals (pitch speed, where the pitches were, etc.) didn’t get better from the last time he was in the States.  Maybe he can repeat it.  More likely, you’re going to get a good spot starter when he faces the Padres, Dodgers and some other weaker offenses.  2012 Projections:  10-9/3.75/1.26/140

67. Jonathon Niese – Last year, his ERA was 4.40 and now the Mets are moving in the fences and constructing a giant Madoff head to blow hot air out to right field.  So why is Niese in a positive tier?  Thanks, clunky expository question!  He had a K-rate of 7.89 last year and showed in the minors that is about right and could be even a little higher.  Also, he had a slightly off BABIP and poor LOB%, so he wasn’t really a near-four and half ERA pitcher, but probably three-quarters of a run better.  All these good vibes about Niese make me want to do my Grind workout.  2012 Projections:  9-10/3.75/1.32/160

68. Bud Norris – You can’t predict wins.  You shouldn’t even try.  It is totally pointless.  But since I had a “Totally Pointless” college degree this is right up my alley.  You are not going to get wins with Norris.  You will get some walks and nice Ks.  I kinda want Norris on every team.  Might even draft him on my AL-Only keeper team for when the Astros realign.  2012 Projections:  7-9/3.80/1.32/190

69. Mike Leake – His ground ball percentage was solid, walks were dropped by over one per game and his strikeouts increased (though not to a rate that is drool-inducing).  If Leake can avoid dribblers through the vas deferns, he should have some success.  2012 Projections:  13-8/3.75/1.22/135

70. Ryan Dempster – I’m tentatively liking Dempster this year.  His 4.80 ERA last year was H to the ideous, but he did have a 3.70 xFIP and a 8.50 K/9.  I’ve seen worse stats.  Some of the guys above him, for instance, they have worse stats.  I don’t know the intricacies of his contract and I don’t think you should draft someone in March with the hope they’re traded, but wouldn’t shock me to see Dempster on a pennant contender before 2012 is through.  Maybe he’ll go to the Padres, if the Yankees change their name to the Padres.  2012 Projections:  12-8/3.90/1.33/190

71. Edwin Jackson – Signed yesterday with the Nats, naturally.  Looks like all the Nats needed to become a contender was to get rid of Bowden.  Great addition for the Nats’ rotation.  For fantasy, it’s a’ight.  Earlier in his career, he was better in the AL than the NL, but now that he’s matured I think it was an immaturity thing.  Funny how that works.  Best case scenario is a 3.50 ERA and kinda icky WHIP.  Worst case scenario is a 4 and a half ERA and icky WHIP.  Speaking of which, I was thinking about what’s the best best case scenario of recent times and I have to think it’s The Jersey Shore.  I can’t help watch the opening and think about how when they made that title sequence they all were probably glad to just be employed by a t-shirt shop, MTV almost axed the show before it started and none of them really had much chance for a future unless you count success by the number of acquired STDs.  Now they’re all millionaires and it’s laughable that they would work at a t-shirt shop.  Of course, the worst worst case scenario would have to be leaving the show a’la Angelina and not reaping any of its benefits.  What a stunod.  2012 Projections:  11-10/3.80/1.35/160

72. Hiroki Kuroda – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Collmenter.  I call this tier, “Solid, but unspectacular.”  See, I will draft solid with a chance for spectacular.  I’ll even take a chance on very risky with a chance for spectacular.  But “Solid, but unspectacular” gets drafted around the time I want to take flyers, so I don’t bother with this tier.  When you’re this late in a draft, it makes no sense to draft a guy like Kuroda, Danks, Buehrle, etc.  Like any investment, they’re the last one in and first one out.  It’s a shame that Kuroda was picked up by the Yankees.  When he was on the Dodgers, he was a solid back end of your fantasy rotation starter that no one ever reached for.  For whatever reason, everyone looked the other way even though his career ERA is under 3.50, WHIP’s under 1.20, walks are low and his K/9 last year was over 7.  Oh, well.  I wouldn’t draft him with your fantasy team in 2012.  AL East and The Stadium They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built is two negatives that don’t equal a positive.  2012 Projections:  12-9/3.90/1.24/150

73. John Danks – I’ll admit I’m probably too down on Danks.  He’s the very definition of solid, but unspectacular.  A big issue with solid but unspectacular that I didn’t mention above.  If for some reason you get less than solid, you get Danks’s 2011:  4.33 ERA, 135 Ks and 1.34 WHIP.  That’s not even solid.  At 27 years old, he should revert back to solid, but unspectacular.  2012 Projections:  9-10/3.75/1.28/150

74. Mark Buehrle – Gets wins, mid-3 ERA, lots of innings… What’s not to like?  Oh, yeah, he strikes out about as much as Mystery in a college bar on “Ladies drink for free” night.  2012 Projections:  14-10/3.70/1.28/100

75. Ivan Nova – With a 3.70 ERA, he won 16 games last year in 28 games started.  Basically, Blyleven would’ve been a first ballot Hall of Famer on the Yankees.  If you’re chasing wins, I could see going with Nova, but chasing wins is a losing proposition. (<–Turn of a phrase point!)  2012 Projections:  14-8/4.00/1.33/110

76. Gavin Floyd – I’ve tied Floyd to Danks in my rankings for as long as I can remember, which sounds like a nerdy version of the Goodfellas voiceover.  Floyd is a tad under Danks because of his age.  There’s a better chance of Danks exceeding his projections than Floyd, but they’re both solid, but… Well, you know.  2012 Projections:  9-11/4.00/1.26/155

77. R.A. Dickey – I don’t like Dickey, not that there’s anything right with that.  He’s totally blown away my projections the last two years, but I can’t trust a knuckleballer.  I don’t like when I’m relying on a pitcher that has no idea where the ball is going.  I’m sure he’s used to the hate.  Can’t be easy going through puberty with a name like Dickey and being a knuckleballer.  2012 Projections:  10-9/3.75/1.27/130

78. Josh Collmenter – You thought I didn’t like Dickey?  Try my dislike of Collmenter on for size.  Too snug?  That’s cause you have both of your arms in the same sleeve.  Collmenter had a 5+ K-rate and a 4.18 xFIP.  No Ks there is a than, but no thans.  2012 Projections:  8-10/4.25/1.24/110

79. Francisco Liriano – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until here.  I call this tier, “Screw you, Liriano.”  He got very lucky last year.  No, not with his FIP or xFIP or BABIP or men left on base or with runs scored for.  He got lucky I didn’t kill him.  2012 Projections:  11-11/4.30/1.35/155

80. Brett Cecil – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Volquez.  I call this tier, “You’ll probably drop most of these guys by mid-April and may not even have the nads to start them once on your team, but you may as well take a flyer.”  (The projections in this tier are optimistic.)  I saw one ‘pert didn’t rank Cecil in his top 100 starters.  I thought that was odd.  He’s only 26 years old.  Then I looked at mock draft results and he wasn’t anywhere.  I saw Joel Pineiro.  I saw Jason Hammel.  I even saw Javier Vazquez.  He retired.  We’re all that done with a 26-year-old pitcher who was being drafted last year in the top 200?  I don’t want to point any fingers, but you — yeah, you.  Don’t look behind you. — were excited about drafting Cecil last year.  Nothing in his stats say bounce back, but between him or Pineiro or a guy that retired, I’m going with Cecil.  2012 Projections:  12-9/4.00/1.30/145

After the top 80 starters, there’s a lot of names, but here’s some that stand out:

Homer Bailey - With a career ERA of 4.89, I’ve warded off Homer to use two of the better father names in the history of television.  Now, I find myself seeing a scenario where I could draft him very late.  His walk rate last year was more than one walk off his previous year.  His K-rate fell a bit, but it’s still over 7.  His xFIP was 3.77 and his team should win some games.  Bailey is long overdue for a breakout.  I’m saying sleeper and grab him late.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it until he defecates all over my ERA.  2012 Projections:  12-9/3.70/1.28/130

Chris Sale – If I had to, and I probably do, write a sleeper post about Sale or Bard, it’s a no-brainer.  It’s Sale all the way.  Sale’s only real question mark is how many innings will the Pale Hose throw him.  (BTW, if I was writing newspaper headlines in 1919, I would’ve wrote “Paint the White Hose Black.” If there’s any time travelers reading this, take it, it’s yours.)  I think Sale sees about 125 innings.  2012 Projections:  8-8/3.50/1.24/130

Daniel Bard – When the Sawx first announced Bard would start, here’s what I said, “The Sawx are toying with the idea that Daniel Bard should be in the rotation rather than as the closer.  To incorrectly quote Gordon Gekko, “That’s a toy with fleas.”  As a starter in the minor leagues, his ERA was 7.08 and walked 78 hitters in 75 innings.  Granted, this was early on in his minor league career, but I don’t see the Sawx taking a pitcher that is actually succeeding as a reliever and stretching him out to fail.  Then again, their rotation isn’t exactly five deep.  Hopefully Daniel doesn’t stay *pinkie to mouth* Bard from the bullpen.  Or should I say bullpun.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I still think the Red Sox make a last minute move to keep Bard in the bullpen and acquire another starter.  2012 Projections:  9-7/3.70/1.22/160

Brad Peacock – I already went over my Brad Peacock fantasy.  It’s January Grey’s favorite post.   2012 Projections:  9-8/3.60/1.30/170

Edinson Volquez – If he gets 200 innings, he will strikeout 200 hitters.  Look at the rest of this post and try to find another guy K’ing 200.  So why isn’t he ranked higher?  Well, there’s this little problem with him walking people like it’s his job.  It’s not his job.  If that’s getting lost in the translation, someone should tell him that is not his job.  Yo camino no trabajar!  2012 Projections:  8-12/3.75/1.33/200

Ricky Nolasco – This is the last tier.  This tier is called, “I didn’t forget these guys.  I’m just not drafting them.”  Nolasco hasn’t had an ERA under 4.50 in 3 years, but if you’re playing in a league that counts K/BB rates or guys that underperform, then by all means go with Nolasco.  2012 Projections:  12-9/4.25/1.29/150

Wade Davis – He had strikeout numbers in the minors, and I think those return from wherever they went, but I’m not drafting him on the assumption they will.  Could be a nice during-season-pickup if he gets his shizz together.  2012 Projections:  10-10/4.15/1.35/115

Carlos Zambrano – Ozzie will either bond with Zambrano and have him produce his best year since the mid-naughts or their personalities together will become so combustible that Little Havana will break from the union and form the 51st state with Ozzie becoming Supreme Leader of Little Havana and having Zambrano executed.  My money’s on the latter.  2012 Projections:  11-10/4.10/1.35/130

Johan Santana – The Mets are hoping to get 25 starts out of Johan.  The Mets are saying he’s a question mark for Opening Day.  The Mets pronounce players ready to return usually six months before they’re back on the field and they’re saying bad things already about Johan.  Instead of drafting Johan, if you’re into torturing yourself, try meeting up with random people from Craigslist’s Missed Connections.  Here’s one, “You didn’t tan, your freckles merged.  Now I want our bodies to.  I saw you at the Jiffy Lube on Tuesday.  I can’t wait another 3 months or 3,000 miles.”  2012 Projections:  7-5/3.75/1.22/80 (in 120 innings)

On this dreary snoozy December day, Walt Jocketty got his wish and made a splash for the Cincinnati Reds in the offseason.  In return for four years of Mat Latos, the Reds sent the San Diego Padres Edinson Volquez, Yonder Alonso, Yasmani Grandal and Brad Boxberger.

This seems like one of those rare trades where it makes sense from both sides. For the Reds, four years of control of a #2 starter is huge, for the Padres, they need to continue to restock an already potent farm system with some bats.

But, while that is all well and good, what does it mean for you, the fantasy player?

Without a doubt this hurts the value of Mat Latos – but by how much is up for debate. When you think Padres pitching, you assume they get huge bumps from Petco – not exactly the case for Latos. While he has a slightly better K:BB rate at home during the course of his career, his slash lines are virtually identical: .229/.287/.348 at home versus .224/.286/.351 on the road.

Of course, the Great American Launching Pad is by no means your average park away from home. That said, Latos has put up good numbers in noted hitter’s havens:
Cincinnati: 14 IPs, two starts, 4.5 K:BB rate, .111/.149/.267, 2.57 ERA, 0.86 WHIP
Colorado: 25.2 IPs, four starts, 4 K:BB rate, .255/.291/.429, 3.51 ERA, 1.17 WHIP
Philadelphia: 11 IPs, two starts, 2.17 K:BB rate, .220/.333/.415, 4.91 ERA, 1.36 WHIP
Arizona: 19 IPs, three starts, 4 K:BB rate, .209/.274/.358, 1.42 ERA, 1.05 WHIP

Obviously, this is not a definitive sample; however it is not damning whatsoever. If you look at these 11 starts, it paints a cozy feeling. Clearly the change in home venue could hurt the amount of HRs Latos gives up. Still, Latos has appeared to be good at limiting HRs. He has the 18th best HR/FB percentage in the majors over the last two seasons, behind guys like Ubaldo Jimenez, Johnny Cueto, CJ Wilson, and Daniel Hudson.

I’ll knock Latos a tad because of the switch, but I am not worried about his 2012. He should pick up a few more wins at the expense of his ratios – that’s not the worst trade-off in the world. If others dock him majorly, be prepared to swoop in and reap the benefits.

As for the pieces coming from the Reds, Volquez appears to be the closest to being an impact player in the majors. Since his breakout 2008 campaign, the man once traded for Josh Hamilton has pitched just barely over 220 innings in the majors. Blessed with an incredible ability to strike batters out (8.67 K/9), his kryptonite (i.e., inability to throw strikes: 4.84 BB/9) is crippling.

That said, this trade spells nothing but good things for Volquez. He hasn’t had a HR/FB rate in single digits since 2008, without giving up a ton of fly balls (just 33.3% of the time). A subtle change in the right direction for his HR/FB rate paired with a slight uptick in his command and we could see Edinson Volquez with an ERA right around 4.00. I’m willing to give him 160 Ks, and a not unusable 1.35-1.40 WHIP. He won’t win many games, but the Ks could be nice.

The other player closest to the majors is Yonder Alonso. In just under 100 plate appearances last year, Alonso made quite the impression, hitting .330/.398/.545 with a .387 BABIP. Not surprising, given the ridiculously small sample, Alonso hit much better on the road than at home. The Reds made him available because he proved incapable of fielding any position outside of first base. Padres will send Anthony Rizzo back to Triple-A for now and play Alonso in 2012.  Alonso should have some late round flyer value for those willing to gamble a corner slot on upside.

Grandal is, in actuality, the huge get in the deal. Grandal was a first round pick in 2010 and rocketed through three levels (A+, AA and AAA) last season, hitting a combined .305/.401/.500. There isn’t much keeping Grandal from starting 2012 in the majors behind the dish. While that’s a tad optimistic, I bet he becomes a real force for the Padres early on next year. He should be on all keeper, dynasty and NL-only owners shopping lists and watched with avid curiosity in shallower leagues. He could be a difference maker at catcher.

Boxberger isn’t much. At 23, he split time at AA and AAA last season, pitching just 62 innings. He was effective though: 2.03 ERA, 0.97 WHIP, 13.5 K/9 and 3.32 K:BB rate. He really appears to be the relief version of Volquez: big K numbers with huge walk numbers. Petco has had the ability of turning good relievers into great relievers, but a lot would have to break right for Boxberger to be a viable option in any fantasy format. He might luck his way into saves at some point, but I’d bet most of my money on him being, at most, a solid reliever for a handful of seasons.

So the winners are the Padres, Reds, Edinson Volquez and Yasmani Grandal. Alonso and Boxberger are helped a bit by the move. Latos wasn’t really hurt that much, just a smidge.

On September 7th, Kyle Farnsworth entered a 4-3 game like he had so many times before.  No one knows how many times because no one’s bothered to look, or at least no one I’ve come across.  This September game was played during the day in Tampa with the temperature listed as:  Indoors.  When the mercury first hit Indoors, many of the fans knew this day was going to be different than all but four previous Rays games.  Farnsworth blew the save.  Then on September 10th, with the temperature once again “Indoors” — eerie! — Farnsworth once again blew a save, but instead of blaming his stuff, he blamed his elbow.  It was a little tender like a battered piece of the unidentifiable parts of the chicken.  With Farnsworth out nursing his elbow, Peralta should see the majority of the saves, but it could be a committee.  I imagine Farnsworth is gonna be out a week maybe two, but I’d wait for official word before dropping him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Matt Moore – Rays are promoting their top pitching prospect.  In real baseball news, this is exciting.  In Double and Triple-A this year, he had a 1.92 ERA and 210 Ks in 155 innings.  That’s prettay, prettay good.  I’d like to see what kind of gas this guy is cooking with.  Eminem at a BBQ:  “Yo, Em, these burgers taste funny.”  Eminem, “I guess that’s why they call it propane.” In fantasy, Moore’s kinda whatever in redraft leagues.  He’ll get maybe one start, and the rest will be a relief role.  In keeper leagues, he should owned already and if he’s not, no time like the present.

James Shields – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks as Shhhields quiets the Sawx.

B.J. Upton – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs, 3 runs and his 20th homer.  That’s right!  You’re not the Secretaryman, you’re not the Administrativeassistantman, you’re the Bossman!  Now take charge!

Doug Fister – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Brilliant once again.  On a side note, with all the mentions of Fister recently our web traffic looking for anything but fantasy baseball has tripled.  Come looking for one thing, leave realizing you need to refine your search query.

Chase Utley – He passed a concussion test.  I wonder if he just kept choosing C.  The Phils will probably leave Utley on the sidelines for a while longer, unless the Mets and Braves win 17 of their next 5 games.

Stephen Strasburg – 3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He threw 56 pitches on Tuesday, but the Nats stretched him out yesterday with 57 pitches.  The Nats also said they won’t put Strasburg on a strict pitch count.  If I may read between the lines, that actually says, “Please buy tickets for the games Strasburg starts even if he may average only four innings.”

Ian Desmond – 3-for-5 with his 8th homer.  This after a 1-for-11 stretch, which sounds like me at YogaWorks.  I nailed the Downward Facing Dog and pulled up short on all other poses.

Tim Hudson – 6 IP, 6 ER.  All the good you did all year, Hudson, and this?  On the last day of my H2H playoffs?  I didn’t order a bitter pill to swallow.  Why would you serve that up?  BTW, it’s perfectly fitting that we lost a tiebreaker in our H2H playoffs this week because our opponent beat us 5-4 during the regular season.  To that I say, “Plouffe.”

Chipper Jones – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last week as he hits .348 over that span.  As long as the Braves continue to roll Glass Chipper out there in a giant bubble so he doesn’t get hurt, he has some value.

Jake Peavy – Shutdown for the season.  Backdate that to 2009.

Adam Jones – Sat out Saturday and Sunday with a sore ankle.  In the past month, he has 2 homers and 1 steal.  I’m guessing you can find something better on waivers.

Johan Santana – Mets announced that Johan wouldn’t rejoin the team this year (after saying he would return then saying he wouldn’t then saying he would then saying he wouldn’t then saying he would).  Thanks for the re-re-reconfirmation!

Bobby Parnell – On Friday, Terry Collins said Parnell might not be the closer.  Then on Saturday he said he was the closer.  The Mets say no while nodding their heads yes.

C.J. Wilson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Nolan Ryan said Wilson’s start made him almost as happy as noogying Robin Ventura.

Adrian Beltre – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs, 2 runs and 2 homers yesterday, 3-for-5 and a homer on Saturday and now has a 16 game hitting streak.  If you add all that up it spells, well, nothing because numbers don’t add up to words.

Troy Tulowitzki – Missed Sunday’s game and will sit out on Tuesday with a sore hipowitzki.

Drew Pomeranz – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Solid start from the top prospect.  To start him here, you had to be crazy like the first wrestler who thought it was a good idea to cut his own forehead with a razor, but still.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4 with 3 steals.  Now has 21 steals in 142 ABs.  Imagine the Rockies ever gave him 600 ABs.  The sun could take that summer off causing of how brightly I’d be beaming.

Josh Collmenter – 4 IP, 6 ER vs. the Padres.  Is it me or do the Padres only hit at the least opportune time?

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  That was 4 walks vs. 3 Ks.  Good to see Edinson doesn’t let coaching or minor league stints get in the way of him staying true to himself.

Lonnie Chisenhall – 2-for-5 yesterday and has 3 homers in the last five games.  In other words, Lonnie done gone going going gonnie.  Of course he was on my bench in a weekly league.  Don’t cry for me, Razzball reader.  Your tears will just make me feel worse.

Alejandro De Aza – 2-for-3, 2 runs and 2 steals.  Now has 4 homers and 8 steals in only 39 games played.  That’s better than, say, Adam Jones.  Cust kayin’.

Kevin Youkilis – Will play through a hernia.  That’s number 137th on a list of things I’d like to play through.  Right after a storm of frogs like in Magnolia and right before a large man standing just outside the batter’s box throwing a bucket of amniotic fluid on me.

Alex Rodriguez – Will sit out for 3-4 days since his thumb is too close to discomfort starring Jm J. Bullock.

Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Y to the Izz-O, V to the izz-A.  Fo’ sheezy my neezy bout time you looked like a number one arm so freezy.

Erick Aybar – 4-for-5 with a steal.  Now hitting near .350 in the month of September, but only one steal (which came yesterday).  It’s a’ight.

Mike Stanton – Was pulled from Friday’s game because he couldn’t run at full speed.  Jack McKeon said, after putting in his teeth, that Stanton could return on Monday.

Javier Vazquez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He was the only featured name in my borderline starters post for Sunday.  So far that post has been a bit hit or miss with a lot more hits than I would like.  Teach me to put any faith in John Lannan.

Anibal Sanchez – On Saturday, he threw his 2nd one-hitter of the season.  All 129 fans in attendance at the next Marlins game will receive opposite gender names with a notary on hand to make it official.

Zack Cozart is a pickup in all leagues where you need a middle infidel.  Go, I’ll wait here.  *scratches chin, yawns, covers mustache with two fingers to see what I look like without it, shakes head*  Welcome back!  Cozart hit 17 homers and stole 30 bases last year.  You know who that reminds me of?  No, not you in high school.  Let it go, man.  It reminds me of Danny Espinosa.  Danny has a bit more power and a bit less speed, but tomato-tomato with a different emphasis.  Cozart also comes with the same potential to be an average drain.  Also, Espinosa and Cozart sounds like a promising TNT drama starring Freddy Prinze Jr. and Stifler.  In real baseball (which is played with more crotch scratching, but less crotch grabbing), Cozart’s just okay.  A potential 15/20 guy (over the course of a whole season) at shortstop in fantasy baseball is a yes, please and thank you.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edinson Volquez – Optioned to Triple-A in hopes that Edinson can rediscover his electric stuff.  I have an idea for his rehab:  don’t let him pitch the first inning.

Dontrelle Willis – Will take Edinson’s spot on Sunday.  For those thinking about picking him up, I have a question for you — What’chu talkin’ about… Willis?!

Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a long overdue slam & legs.  As I was doing my top 100 for the 2nd half that will be posted next Tuesday, I was contemplating where to put Heyward because I thought he might still be injured.  This game was either a nice sign or Heyward messing with me.  Probably the former, if former means the first one.

Kyle Seager – The guy who sounds like an 80′s sitcom character is going to play the majority of 3rd base for the Mariners.  In related news, Chone Figgins will be out of baseball in less than two years.  Anyone want any action?  So Seager is a high average, just meh power and speed guy.  Kinda like a poor man’s Prado, or I guess that’s a Prado knockoff.  I’m not a huge fan of Prado so you can imagine how I feel about Seager.  It’s just a’ight in AL-Only leagues.

Jason Kendall – It looks like shoulder surgery will force him into retirement.  Much like Pudge, Kendall has moved long ago from an elite fantasy catcher.  But here are some crazy stats for you courtesy of Rudy:  Kendall is 3rd all-time amongst Catchers (80+% of games at catcher) in Hits and Times On Base (behind Pudge and Fisk).  That’s ahead of Berra, Bench, Piazza, Dickey, and Carter.  And his .366 OBP beats all the aforementioned catchers except Piazza.  He’s also 5th all time amongst all hitters in HBP.  But his lack of power puts his Wins Above Replacement lower than those catchers and a few other non-HOF catchers like Munson, Freehan, and Darrell “Big Frames” Porter.  Whew, because a Jason Kendall for HOF advocacy would be as joyless as owning him the past 7 years.  (Note from Grey:  One last time:  Much like a Ken doll, Kendall has no bat.)

Charlie Blackmon – Could miss the rest of the season with a fractured bone in his foot.  What?  This is baseball!  Not football!  (Though if you’re into fantasy football, Chet’s holding a contest where he’s giving away $300.  I’m guessing you’ll get it in unmarked pennies.  Now go check it out.)

Juan Nicasio – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Mr. Obvious, “Nicasio can’t be relied on in any leagues right now.”

Wade Davis – To the 15-day DL with a forearm strain.  Maybe it was trying to be a fivearm.  Hamilton-Burrishly, Alex Cobb and Sonnanstine will now duel over Davis’s open rotation spot.

Lonnie Chisenhall – Was plunked in the face.  Eric Plunk, “You owe me a nickel for using that verb.”  Um, okay.  So this sounds like terrible news.  I’m beginning to think every hitter should wear Great Gazoo helmets.  As soon as I hear more news on Lonnie, I’ll repurpose the information with a bit of humor and let you know.

Josh Reddick – Hit his 2nd homer yesterday.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he’s not.  He’s here now, you need this shizz spoon-fed to you?

Andrew Miller – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks.  He got lucky.  Now if you press your luck and start him again, you may get a whammy.

Mike Stanton – Now back-to-back games with a homer as he screamed in the baseball’s face a’la CT, “I will smoke you!”

Brad Hand – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This comes after two starts where he didn’t get out of the fifth inning.  I’m not calling this start a liar, but I believe the last two starts more.  Also, Clay Hensley could take Hand’s spot in the rotation soon after the All-Star break.

Ben Zobrist – 8 for his last 12 with a home run yesterday.  BenZo looks to be rolling once again.

B.J. Upton – 2-for-4 with his 14th homer — not in this game, that would’ve been a record prior to the steroid era.  He also has 20 steals.  If he could just get his average up to .280, he’d be such a force.  I think I’m going all in on him next year when he’s 27.  Poppycock, you say. Okay, but what the eff is poppycock and why are you saying it?

Rich Harden – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Usually if he stays healthy, he’s dominant but this start was bleh.  Harden, “I can too stay healthy!  Ow!  I juth bit my lip when I said ‘eathy!”

Philip Humber – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Mmm-hmm.

Max Scherzer – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 Ks.  Sonavabench!  Hey, I know that impersonation — it’s Liriano, and I don’t like it.

Matt Garza – 2 IP, 6 ER as the Nats had an extravaGarza.  Watch your toes, everyone.  Garza continues to take steps backwards.  Garza’s xFIP was under 3.00 before this game.  Too bad I don’t freakin’ play in a league with xFIP.  I wish he’d just have an aggressive burp, throw out his back and go to the DL.

Frank Francisco – Recorded no outs and gave up 3 earned runs.  Looks like I don’t have to be embarrassed that I tattooed Rauch’s name on my fantasy baseball team’s neck.

Carlos Villanueva – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  After the break, the Blue Kays get the Yankees, Mariners, Rangers and Orioles respectively.  If Chuck Newtown gets the M’s and O’s, then nom nom.  If he gets the Yanks and Texas, then indigestion.

Cory Luebke - 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I’m flummoxed why I have to beg people to pick up certain pitchers.  BTW, you can’t spell flummoxed without the lox, which Eli Whiteside provides.

Jered Weaver – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  ERA is now at 1.86, WHIP is 0.91.  What a dream, Weaver.  The highest compliment I can give a player is, “Hey, really nice mustache.”  But my 2nd highest compliment is I wish I owned them on every team.

Jose Reyes – To the DL with his bad hamstring.  Get Michael Jackson’s old hyperbaric chamber for Jose Reyes’s hamstring!  He’s supposed to be out for three weeks now.  I hate the Mets.  Why can’t they just say when a player is going to be out for an extended period of time?  Who’s their doctor?  Dr. Rosenrosen?  Mr. Met probably has gigantism and they’re pretending he’s a cute, baseball-headed mascot.

Roger Clemens – I hope I don’t have to put an asterisk on my 1997 fantasy baseball championship.

Two weeks ago, Albert Pujols fractured his wrist.  He said he was going to be out for 6 weeks but he wasn’t sure until he went back to his home planet Krypton, where he’s known as Al-El.  On Krypton, Al-El had a heart-to-heart with a hologram image of Stan Musial.  What Stan told Al-El was simple.  “Hitting isn’t about arms, wrists or legs.  It’s about flying backwards around the globe to before your wrist was hurt by Wilson Betemit and pulling your arm back.  Then take two weeks to pretend like you’re injured so no one thinks anything weird is going on.”  I’d be slightly concerned that Pujols is rushing himself back and he might not have his power immediately, if this weren’t Pujols.  A few years ago, he revealed in the preseason he had a broke elbow tendon or some shizz and went on to win the MVP.  He’s superhuman, don’t doubt him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jon Lester – He took a no-hitter into the trainer’s room where he found out he had a strained latissimus dorsi.  So, he’s a dolphin?  Well, if he’s that smart, have him throw with his other flipper.  Or have Al-El touch your lat and make it better!  Lester will probably be out a couple of weeks.  So it’s longer than you want, but shorter than the Big Dig.

Jeff Karstens – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  There’s far more glamorous names out there.  Like Portia, that’s a glamorous name.  Karstens is more like a 3.75 ERA pitcher than the 2.55 he currently has, but that shouldn’t stop you from throwing him out there in some leagues.

Brett Cecil – 8 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After his last start, I said we’d need to see a few good starts from Cecil before adding him.  This was one.  Few > One.

Shane Victorino – Has a Grade 1 sprain on his thumb.  That’s a thumb sucking.  He could be out until the All-Star break.

Ryan Madson – Threw a bullpen session and he’s due back right after the All-Star break.  On a side note that has nothing to do with this, I was talking to Rudy over IM and asked him to imagine us writing a non-fantasy baseball blog and to come up with a Casey Anthony not guilty title.  His title, “Mom Finally Free from Parenting and Jail.”

Ryan Howard – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 18th home run to go along with his 71 RBIs.  I took some guff for putting him high in my preseason rankings, if I’m using the word guff correctly.  Well, guff, ya’ll!  (I’m almost certainly not using it right there.)  And for those that say, “Well, you could’ve had Berkman much later.”  I say, true, but that was a lottery ticket.  You can’t count on those.

Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer.  I think he’s hit 10 homers in the last 11 games, but I’m not Aramis’s keeper.

Dan Haren – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Shh, don’t tell Haren but it’s technically the second half of the season.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Why again did I have to say a correction was coming?  I suck.  Hopefully he’ll start to turn things around again.  Just putting that out into the universe.  It’s the secret.

Ian Stewart – 0-for-3.  Ah, you haven’t missed a beat, you old Mini-Mini Donkey.  The Rockies are saying Stewart’s bench depth.  For now, I’m gonna think about the good times we had for like half of a month last year and let someone else pick him up.  In the immortal words of Sean Puffy P. Diddy Puff Daddy Combs, “Memories give me the strength I need to proceed…Strength I need to believe…”

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3 with his 12th home run.  Doc spoke about him yesterday, so I won’t go too in-depth.  Just wanna say I picked him for Rookie of the Year, not Rudy.  It’s just deserts and he’s my biscotti!  (I say biscotti because it’s sweet, but there’s probably something better for dessert.  Plus, the hard C sound is funny.)

Dustin Ackley – 2-for-3 with the always delectable slam & legs.  3 home runs and 2 steals over 50 at-bats ain’t too shabby.  Hopefully he doesn’t get how to avoid sophomore slump tips from Pedro Alvarez or Matt Wieters this offseason.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Matt sure knows how to extend the Holliday weekend!  Huh?!  Yeah, I’m not sure what that means either.

Edinson Volquez – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This isn’t exactly a newsflash but he’s unownable in all leagues.

Mariano Rivera – Nursing a sore triceps with saves likely to go to David Robertson.  No one seems to think it’s going to be a problem for longer than a day or two.  So he’s day-to-two-days.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-6 with his 24th and 25th home runs.  Grandy is dandy, but Chipper is sicker.

Carlos Carrasco – 4 IP, 6 ER.  Yeah, not good, but you shouldn’t have started him vs. the Yankees.  Sorry, I put the blame on you, Akon.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Day-to-day with an ankle injury.  Still haven’t heard of one cankle injury.  Cust kayin’.

Mitch Atkins – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nothing to see here, except the herpes on his lip.

Felipe Paulino – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks.  See high K pitcher striking out a lot of guys… Having…hard…time…resisting…

Scott Baker – Has a mild strain of his elbow.  For a pitcher, that’s like a slight case of being dead.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see him miss a few starts.

Matt Capps – And he was lousy again yesterday while Perkins got another save.  Maybe when Gardenhire is saying the closer is Capps, he actually means in proximity to him.  I’d grab Perkins and Nathan for speculative saves.  Capps isn’t long for the 9th.

Clayton Richard – To the 15 day DL with a left shoulder strain.  In his place could be, Anthony Bass or Wade LeBlanc, who sound like siblings of Backstreet Boys.  Whichever one gets the call will have value in home starts.  You know the old saying, “It can’t hurt starting Hodgepadres at home.”  Actually, it’s not old or really even a saying.

Corey Hart – Now with homers in back-to-back games.  Corey Hart has that never surrender attitude.

Jon Garland – Dodger pitcher, Garland, is out for the year with shoulder surgery.  With the Dodgers out of the picture, the Mets look forward to signing him for the 2012 season.

Mike Cameron – Like many Northeasterns nearing retirement, Krispie Young Sr. will be moving to the Sunshine State.  Hopefully he looks both ways at intersections so he doesn’t have another head-on collision and put a dent in Mike Stanton or Logan Morrison.

Mike Stanton – Experiencing vision problems as a result of a recent eye infection, turning his normally high K-rate into the Mark Reynolds K-stratosphere.  Jack McKeon was just glad to have something in common with one of his players.  “Hey, team, prostates and incontinence are a bitch, am I right?”