Or is it Jean a buy quoi? Voulez-vous coucher avec moi Segura? Mmm hmmm gotcha gotcha Segura da da? A little help! I’m stuck in a Moulin Rouge-inspired snow globe and I can’t get out! For those of you that don’t speak French, but do speak fourteen-year-old text: Jean Seg-U-R-A Buy! Jean Segura has done a lot of bleh with a side of roasted yawnuts. “I see you sitting there on my team and I wonder if I wouldn’t be better with Asdrubal, at least his name makes me giggle,” that’s you wearing a beret, listening to jazz. I hear ya on Segura; he’s been a bore to own. The good news (if you don’t own him) is he has been a bore to own, so you could acquire him for next to nothing. Right now, he’s on pace for 8 HRs, 30 steals and a .260 average with 74 runs and 49 RBIs. Last year, when he broke out, he had 12 steals and 44 steals and a .294 average with 74 runs and 49 RBIs. So, he’s off on average and steals, the rest is negligible. Well, I’d go as far as to say it’s all a negligible difference. If he were to hit for a better average by getting maybe three extra hits a week, wouldn’t his steals go up and his counting stats? Rhetorical! So, is he capable of a better average? Certainly. Or sointly, if you’re reading this in a Curly voice. He’s fast — no shock there — so a .300+ BABIP wouldn’t be a stretch, and right now it’s below .280. If his luck just neutralizes, he’ll hit for a better average. It’s not like his strikeouts have gone up — they’ve actually gone down. It’s not he’s not making solid contact — his line drive percentage has gone up too. He’s hitting more ground balls and they’re getting caught. I wouldn’t trade the farm, but I’d definitely look to see if I could acquire him. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Tommy La Stella – This week will forever be known as the week that middle infielders swarmed the beaches, draped in American flags, wearing Jack Spade camo shorts, smelling of Gucci Guilty. “We come to steal your women, drink from your coconuts, and by ‘coconuts’ we mean your heads, and protect your middle ground.”
Omar Infante – Hispanic Baby Omar is hitting over .400 in the last week, and, if you’re just killing time with your middle infielder, I suggest seeing what HBO’s got to offer. Except that documentary where they interview a serial killer. I did not need to see that!
Scooter Gennett – Has been benched vs. lefties, which is stoopid, but until someone says to Roenicke, “Whoa-nicke, you Ron Nogood-nicke, you Ron Po-in-the-brain-nicke? Why aren’t you playing Scooter every day, Ron You-so-thick-nicke? Ron You-don’t-know-a-lick-nicke? Okay, you got me there, so I’m I-got-a-rhyming-dictionary-for-Christmas-but-you-are-a-dick-nicke.”
Jordy Mercer – Fun fact! His name is short for Jordache. Member that old Jordache commercial? Mercer, Mercer me.
Rougned Odor – Am I the only one that wants to write his name Roughned? Like he’s in a gang with Teddy Roosevelt and the Roughned Riders. The only picture I can find of Teddy Roosevelt has him doing the “I’m a Little Teapot” dance. Something sorely missing from today’s politicians is more teapot.
Eugenio Suarez – Be interesting to one day do a psychological experiment on why some players shoot up ownership while others who have been more valuable don’t. I’m sure Harvard or Berkeley has time to do this experiment. I bring this up now because Suarez, while he has been okay since his call-up, hasn’t been better than some other guys on this list, but his ownership did shoot up. I’m guessing it’s the unknown factor. I bet Teddy Roosevelt would’ve been all over Suarez.
Chris Owings – I’m listening to KONGOS’s Come With Me Now as I write this and all I keep hearing is “I’m gonna take you Chris Ownings. Whoa, come with me now!” That song has got me delirious like the first time I heard AWOLNATION’s Sail and listened to it for five days straight until I never wanted to hear it again. What’s with band’s that stylize their name in all caps? So damn catchy. I’m gonna start going by GREYALBRIGHT. Caps locks is where it’s at, yo!
Robinson Chirinos – On my Mark Buehrle-led AL-Only team that is doing well — yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds — Chirinos has been a nice addition, replacing Wieters. He has six homers in only 42 games played. More of an AL-Only or two-catcher league play for now.
Stephen Vogt – Has hit .333 since his call-up and he has catcher eligibility, but he’s not playing catcher so there’s room for him on the A’s while Reddick is hurt. Is it me or does it seem like the A’s have 14 hitters in their lineup every day because of their platoons?
Ronald Belisario – It’s a testament to the power of SAGNOF that I’m saying to pick up Belisario, because he’s looked like garbage left in Britney Spears’s basement fridge that she hasn’t used since 2009.
Joe Smith – I just went over Oy Frieri this morning. If it’s funky, you’ll find it.
Mark Melancon – Jason Grilli? More like batter up! Grilli’s cold, which oddly enough makes him, well, done. Hurdle said Melancon is the guy to own for saves, so flip the switch and get your SAGNOF on.
Kevin Gausman – I don’t know if Showalter will let Gausman stay in the rotation. Obviously he should.
Jake Arrieta – Arri-who now? I know Arriflex. I know Arri-out-the-windows-because-I-just-farted. I even know Ari Emanuel. I do not know of Jake Arrieta. The other day I delved into Arrieta when I said, “Throughout his career, he’s thrown around 94 MPH on his fastball, which is usable and almost sexy. His Ks have been downright yawnstipating though, because his secondary pitches have been borderline dreadful. The only thing that was truly nasty in his arsenal was his cutter. Why not throw it more, you ask. Great question, over-the-internet friend. Only you should’ve asked it last year. He’s bumped his usage of the cutter from 6% of the time to almost 20% of the time this year. The percentage of times a batter swings and misses has gone from 6.8% to plus-9%. 6.8% would have him around that of Jarred Cosart and barely in the top 100 starters. Plus-9% has him in the top 25 starters. He’s struggled with control in the past, so far he’s got that under 3 walks per nine. He’s not throwing more first pitch strikes, but the amount of swings and misses a batter is taking at balls inside and outside the strike zone has gone up. It’s still a small sample size — that’s what she said! — but I think he’s figured something out. I.e., how to pitch. If he were available in my league, I’d definitely look at grabbing him.” And that’s me quoting me!
James Jones – “Siri, what do you think of James Jones for SAGNOF?” “There is one Aames Home Loan nearby.”
Brock Holt – He’s nearly at 50% owned after three weeks of me telling you to pick him up, which, of course, means he will now be terrible. I’m only half joking. The bottom half, at least that’s the half girls usually laugh at.
Kole Calhoun – He had a huge night the other day — 4-for-5, 3 runs, homer, 2 RBIs — so naturally The Sciosciapath benched him the next game. I like Calhoun, but he will not play every day.
Adam Eaton – Of all the outfielders in this week’s Buy, Eaton is capable of being the best. Though ‘capable’ and ‘doing’ are in two different Showcase Showdowns.
Colby Rasmus – Was just activated this week, so we know what Bill in ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department has to say. Bill? *Bill stares blankly* Bill? *nudge Bill* Ah! Oh, geez, Bill replaced himself with a lifelike mannequin.
Jake Marisnick – Why was Marisnick scared of Calhoun? Because Calhoun, Eaton, Rasmus. I looked for Rasmus on waivers but he was gone; I’d own Calhoun and Eaton, but both are gone, so I’m riding Marisnick in my RCL, until Brantley’s better. Gndlkchsww– Sorry, fingers crossed that Brantley returns tomorrow.
J.D. Martinez – Been about the hottest schmotato in Hot Schmotato Land, which is what I’ve altered Molasses Swamp to on my Candy Land.
Chris Davis – According to the Buysellatops, this is a crazy Sell, and says you should be buying Davis, but the Buysellatops also sees cars and gets freaked out. Anyone can tell you to Sell someone like Alfredo Simon. Well, anyone with a bulletproof vest. Selling low isn’t as easy. Member when I told you to sell Prince Fielder low? That worked out well, right? You should trust your Uncle Grey. I’ll tell you why, come here and sit on my lap. Metaphorically! Get off! Davis’s fly balls have dropped — literally! — and his ground balls have gone up — not literally! It doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to tell you that more ground balls and less fly balls is not good for him. As I’ve always warned with him, his near-30% K-rate is death if he hits more balls in play. Striking out a third of the time and hitting ground balls another third of the time can be death for a guy like Davis. He should get his 30 homers, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it comes with a .230 average. You’re basically looking at a rich man’s Adam Dunn. I will call him Adam Some. I wouldn’t trade him for two tickets to the Kajagoogoo reunion tour, but I would explore offers.