In an industry, ‘pert 12-team mock draft that I recently participated in, I grabbed Max Kepler with the 194th overall pick, and, quite honestly, I could’ve likely took him in the final round, or just grabbed him off waivers if there were waivers in a mock draft, which there’s not. No one cares about the Twins. I’d say Twins lives matter, but I’m not trying to incite riots. One quick point on that, when someone says “Save the whales” they’re not saying, “I hope a dolphin gets caught in a tuna net and is fed to a group of Japanese tourists as they watch The Cove.” It’s save the whales, not save the whales and eff all other fish. Here’s my 2017 mock draft team, if anyone’s interested. I’d put little to no weight on my draft. I had zero prep and was asked about an hour prior to participate. Last year in 113 games and 396 ABs, Kepler went 52/17/63/.235/6. Obviously, the average is puke-green trying to play itself as Fern Green, Army Green or Avocado. You’re puke-green, and you’re caught. The rest is not bad at all. Mr. Prorater, the assessor of missed time, would put his line at 67/21/79/.240/8. Though, we must remember, when one assesses, they make an ass out of esses, and that’ll get you killed in some hoods. So, what can we expect from Max Kepler for 2017 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Just as I went around the league and highlighted 2017 fantasy baseball rookies, I will now do the same with 2017 fantasy baseball sleepers. These sleepers are gonna be so butter margarine gonna be like, “Yo, you got me, I’m not real.” These sleepers are gonna be so terrific they’re gonna call up the West Virginian woman, Terri Fic, and tell her to change her name. These sleepers are gonna be so illuminating they’re gonna explain WHAT THE HELL IS THE HARMON FAMILY HIDING?! Seriously: what is Pam Dawber, her husband Mark Harmon and their kids, Sean Harmon and Ty Harmon hiding with all of these blocked accounts? If they are living in a log cabin somewhere in the mountains, I say send in the U.S. Marshals! We want answers, Mark Harmon and Co.! Does NCIS stand for Notably Cloaked In Secrecy? I want to know! So, our first sleeper is Byron Buxton. Hayzeus Cristo! I just wrote Buxton’s name and ran into the bathroom while screaming, “Give me five minutes of peace and quiet I need to explore myself!” No, there is no particular order with these sleepers, but I am kinda goofy crazy for Buxton. Last year, he disappointed with 10 HRs, 10 SBs and a .225 average. Luckily, this isn’t last year, fantasy baseball fans and fans of Mark Harmon conspiracy theories who found us in Google. So, what can we expect from Byron Buxton for 2017 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?Please, blog, may I have some more?
I think this is going to be my last rookie outlook post. If someone pops up sometime in the preseason, maybe I’ll return, but I need to move onto sleepers, and Winter Meetings updates. Here’s what I said when Jose De Leon first came up, “There’s gonna be a lot of haters out there about Jose De Leon. It’s the times we live in. His great-great-great-great grandfather was the original body-shamer. Ponce De Leon set out about five hundred and fifty years ago looking for the Fountain of Youth because, his words, “My old bitty needs to go bye-bye if she continues to sag in the FUPA area.” He was also the originator of the common 1500s phrase, “Ponce upon a time you looked good, girl.” A phrase that has rightfully disappeared from common speech before any more women were hurt by vernacular manslaughter, so to speak. As for Jose De Leon, he’s got the youth thing for days, but he’s not quite as young as Julio Urias, which I’m gonna say is a good thing in this case, because Urias is so raw he may as well be carrying botulism. De Leon, 23 years old, is destroying Triple-A on the current — 13.8 K/9, 3.06 ERA — which is more or less same-same what he’s been doing for the last two years. Even more importantly, the Dodgers have an immediate need with their rotation a M.A.S.H. unit, a Jamie-Farr-kin joke.” And that’s me quoting me! De Leon ended up with a 11.6 K/9 and a 2.61 in 86 1/3 IP in Triple-A. There’s nowhere else for De Leon to go but the majors in 2017, so let’s segue this sucka. Anyway, what can we expect from Jose De Leon for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hunter Renfroe, or as Scooby-Doo calls him ‘Hunter Renfroe,’ is gorge. I’m a smitten kitten hanging from a string on an inspirational poster that reads, “Hang in There.” Why so gorge? Or better still, why does he make me engorged? Actually, that’s not better, and I apologize profusely as Johnnie Cochran or Gorilla Monsoon would say. Why is it that Johnnie Cochran and Gorilla Monsoon are the only ones ever to use the word profusely? I’m gonna be the third person to use it, profusely. So why gorge? Have you seen Renfroe’s swing? Or as Scooby would say, “Have you seen Renfroe’s swing?” Here it is:
I wanna watch the first 5 seconds of that over and over again, but as Cougs will tell you, I’m good for at least 15 seconds. That home run was only measured at 413 feet. I’m guessing the guy that walks, heel to toe, out from home plate to where the ball lands, lost count. That’s an easy 470 foot homer if I’ve ever seen one. That’s right, I measure with my eyes! *cabinet behind me collapses* Oops, might’ve measured wrong. In 11 games last year with the Padres, Renfroe hit 4 homers and .371. Okay, he’s a Padre, I get it, but I’m profusely interested. Anyway, what can we expect from Hunter Renfroe for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
In the minor leagues this year, Dylan Cozens had 40 HRs and 21 steals, winning the Top Offensive Player award. Ha. Dubya tee eff. His minor league numbers are so insane they call up Gary Busey and ask for his advice. His minor league numbers are so crazy they voted for Trump simply because Scott Baio endorsed him. His minor league stats are so bonkers that they want to marry Blac Chyna and try to make her a housewife. His minor leagues stats are so stupid they threw paint on a dog because it was wearing fur. I call this the Cozens. It’s similar to The Dozens, but with Cozens. Ask a Mormon wife whose hat that is and she says, “Husbands.” These rhymes I’m Putin out there are from Russland. All that hair is on your back land, not Bob. I’m eating pigeon but all fancy like squab. Got a buddy named Robert who has a green afro and I call him broccoli raab. Aw…yeah! It’s my rap alter ego, B-Fire! Get some crunk juice, snitches! Okay, not sure where that came from but sometimes shizz needs to be freestyled, or in this case, free-stDylan. Anyway, what can we expect from Dylan Cozens for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Happy Black Friday! Oops, sorry, I mean Happy African-American Friday! As I type this, I’m being trampled at Bed, Bath and Beyond. “There’s enough Scrub Daddys for everyone!” The Diamondbacks got a head start on Black Friday sales on Wednesday when they traded Jean Segura, Mitch Haniger and Zac Curtis to the Mariners for Taijuan Walker and Ketel Marte. What’s that old axiom, if you don’t know who the sucker is at the table, you’re the sucker. Mariners, you’re the sucker. If anyone forgot that the Diamondbacks fired Dave Stewart immediately following the end of the season, this was a reminder. If Stewart were still there, the Diamondbacks would’ve traded Greinke for Todd Walker. As Dave Stewart would say after reading that, “I’m not mad at ya.” Don’t love the move to Chase Field for Walker, but the NL West makes that medicine go down a little easier, chim chiminy chim chiminy chim chim cher-ee! Walker had a 8 K/9 and 2.5 BB/9 last year in 134 1/3 IP. That goes up to 8.5 in the NL West and he’s pretending to yawn as he puts his arm around a low to mid-3 ERA. The only thing that’s stopping you from nodding your head like a plus-size Pez is that Walker hasn’t done it yet. He’s only 24 years old, not doing it yet isn’t a great excuse for never doing it. For 2017, I’ll give him the projections of 12-11/3.44/1.18/153 in 160 IP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2017 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m going to cackle very shortly. It’s going to be a full-throated cackle. The cackle to end all cackles. The cackle that has you turning around in your seat at the movie theater to look at me. Okay, here it comes. Jesse Winker hit three homers last year in 448 Triple-A plate appearances. THREE?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I CAN’T FEEL MY FACE! OH MY GOD, MY HEART!!! “Here lies a man who loved baseball as much as his much older woman and he was totally healthy until he saw how many homers Winker hit in a full season of at-bats. I, the tombstone, would tell you how many homers it was that Winker hit but I’m afraid you might die too. You’re welcome.” Damn, my tombstone is considerate! Three homers in 448 PAs? How is that even possible? Sorry, some of you might need a primer. Three homers from a 65-steal type makes sense. Winker had zero steals last year. Again, some of you might need more info. Winker is considered a top prospect. Or was, I guess. The one positive, and it is big, he has insane plate discipline. He had a .397 OBP and hit .303 in Triple-A last year while walking and striking out exactly at 13.2% of the time. Terrific for both. Plus, that’s some crazy OCD to walk and strike out 59 times for both. That’s As Good As It Gets, now put your neighbor’s dog down the garbage chute! Anyway, what can we expect from Jesse Winker for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Looking at Bradley Zimmer‘s minor league stats is like this, “Damn, girl, you look good,” and you follow her with your eyes from her legs up until you get to her face when you realize it’s your sister and you nearly vomit. An illustration: there’s a suitcase labeled Bradley Zimmer. You begin to unpack the suitcase and you find solid power. Next thing you know you find great speed. The ability to walk is in there too. Nice! Then, you see that your toiletries have exploded and you have toothpaste all over the ability to lay off a curve and there’s Ks all over the place. NO! Not on my one pair of fancy jeans! I’m Crest-fallen, pun noted and intended. Everywhere I look Zimmer is considered a top 25 prospect. Prospector Ralph has him as a top 10 prospect in his top 100 fantasy baseball prospect list, Baseball America has him at 26 overall, MLB has him at 25 and Prospector Ralph’s other half Halp from the Prospect Podcast has him at 15. Of course, BA and MLB need to be taken with a grain of salt and more weight should be placed on Ralph and Halp (shouldn’t they just be Halph?). They’re not more important here simply because they’re Razzball, but because BA and MLB are considering real baseball not fantasy. So, what can we expect from Bradley Zimmer for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Cardinals said Alex Reyes will be in the rotation to start the year. Schwing. Or, in relation to him, schwing and miss. If I haven’t mentioned this before (I have but deal with it), I focus on redrafts with rookies. I want to know what a guy is going to do in 2017. A good way to eliminate a lot of mystery is to hire a talking dog and a group of stoner kids. One dog; you can keep Scrappy-Doo. Another way to eliminate mystery is to focus on players that have already gotten a strong taste in the majors. *reaches into top hat* Ali Cadabra… Ali Kazam… Alex Reyes. Frank Voila! A rookie has a starting job for 2017 and I’m immediately more interested in said rookie over said rookie who has unsaid starting job. Then you throw in the Cards, whose pitching admittedly looked like crizzap last year, but they have history on their side of being better than they should be. Or herstory if one of our five girl readers are following along. Or theirstory if we have Social Justice Warriors reading and they just can’t stand non-gender neutral language. Not to completely 180 this snitch, I don’t know how Alex Reyes is supposed to be in the rotation when they already have five without him. It’s all right, Lance Lynn, Mike Leake, Jaime Garcia and Adam Wainwright have never seen an unexpected injury they can’t get themselves into, so Reyes will get his innings, and he can’t throw 200 next year anyway. So, what can we expect from Alex Reyes for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Can I yawn on someone’s face? The floors are moving up on prospects and ceilings are lowering. It feels like with the promotion of Alex Bregman the minor leagues lost a lot of high octane prospects. Moncada has a chance to be a 1st or 2nd round fantasy guy one day; Prospector Ralph has a fathead for Benintendi and I don’t mean a life-sized wall decal of Benintendi; Judge could hit 40 HRs and .210 and Manuel Margot, well, good but Padres. What I’m saying is the high minors are sorta depleted right now. I don’t see a huge rookie bat coming up this year. Next year might be an issue too depending on how well Brendan Rodgers progresses this year, but rookies are always going to surprise and, hence, their allure. That reminds me of a magazine that Cougs put into my bathroom that I’ve been subjected to reading when I forget my phone, it’s called Allure. The previous two sentences could’ve also been Pitbull lyrics, rhyming allure with Allure. Interesting iambic pentameter, Mr. Bull. So, all of this rambling preamble — preramble? — brings us to the gingie one, Clint Frazier. He was traded to the Yankees (with others) this past year for Andrew Miller. I love that deal for the Indians. On one hand, one of the best relievers in baseball. On the other hand, a lottery ticket. This gingie wasn’t one of those Powerball lottery tickets either. This lottery ticket looks to be one of those scratch-offs where you win $500 a year for ten years. Would you take $500/year for ten years? Sure, why not? Would you trade away a top five reliever for it? Unlikely, but I also might’ve mixed metaphors. Anyway, so what can we expect from Clint Frazier for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?