Here’s a post that’s gonna make you wanna slap ya mama and tell her Don Magic Juan sends his best. The other day I told you how to draft your pitchers for 2018 fantasy baseball. I laid it out to you nice and simple (if you have a degree in “What The Hell Is Grey Talking About?” Not a PhD, mind you. Just a BS.) Today, we forget all that jabberwocky on the who-ha and get down to business old school-style (which means if you don’t comprehend, I will hit you over the head with a baseball bat signed by Joe Clark.) What I’m hoping to lay out to you is who do you draft 2nd if you’ve drafted so and so first. I think it might be helpful to go through pairings for your 5 outfielders, all your middle and corner infielders too. I’m not sure I’ll have the time or patience to do them. We’ll see! Or not. Your choice. (Actually, my choice.) For easy reference, the royal we will be using the top 10 for 2018 fantasy baseball and the top 20 for 2018 fantasy baseball and the beginning of the top 100 for 2018 fantasy baseball. I’m going to assume you’re in a 12 team, 5×5, MI, CI, 5 OF, 1 Utility, 1 Catcher league, similar to our Razzball Commenter Leagues. (Sign up for multiple leagues, and beat the heck out of your frenemies and random strangers!) Anyway, here’s some pairings for the first two rounds of 2018 fantasy baseball drafts:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Just finished my first draft if you’re reading this as I type it, and other than one shirtless man in yellow sweatpants standing behind me in this internet cafe, I don’t think anyone’s reading this as I type it. Unless, of course, there’s micronauts living inside my brain watching as my inner monologue is sending info to my fingers. Gadzooks, I got micronauts in my brain! I wonder if these micronauts made me draft eight Twins and White Sox players. I need to delve deeper into this subject. Maybe I will in my pastel journal that is covered in Giancarlo’s picture from ESPN’s nude magazine. So, I took on the monsters of the industry in an AL Only league that was hosted by Scott White of CBS and I came away with a team that is more imbalanced than Amanda Bynes. This league is deep so hold onto ye old hat. (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds of your closest buddies in the Razzball Commenter Leagues. Or closet buddies, if you’re reading fast and/or experimenting.) Anyway, here’s my 12-team AL-Only team and some thoughts:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“I’ll always remember 2018 as the year baseball’s free agents didn’t sign until February,” which is exactly what someone says after listing 3,500 things they’ll remember about 2018 before when baseball free agents signed. J.D. Martinez finally signed in Boston for $110 million, after being previously offered $150 million, $105 million, $141 million, $15 million (this one was just to see if he was paying attention) and $300 million. J.D. Martinez didn’t negotiate a contract, he was picking suitcases on Deal of No Deal. “Howie, I’m going to take the #4 suitcase and give back the $150 million suitcase.” *three days later* “Well, that sucked.” Yeah, I’m not sure what J.D. was doing. His name is definitely not Just Deal, because he dragged his heels for three weeks and seemed to lose a lot of money, and bargaining ability. Any hoo! In the top 20 for 2018 fantasy baseball, here’s what I said, “Here’s what I would’ve said, had Martinez signed somewhere, “Sure, going to Chase Field for half a season in a walk year is like having some half-baked rhymes and getting to work with Dr. Dre. You can throw out there a line like, “You think I’m being a cock with my rhyme, but I think chickens keep the thyme,” and that shizz goes triple-platinum even though no one but seventeen hipsters in Brooklyn buy albums anymore. What do call a millennial that says ‘Bedford-Thighvethant?’ A lispster. Take it, Highlights, it’s yours. Being in Chase for half a season in his walk year was like being a nobody-nothing who is working an assistant job cleaning out potted plants that Weinstein just irrigated, then finding out you have a high count of midichlorians in your blood and you’re mothereffin’ Frank Skywalker, Luke’s other kid. And you’re not Frank Skywalker like Frank Stallone, but you have some real qualities to add to the mythology. That’s J.D.’s last year. However (Grey’s turning the ship around?), J.D.’s able to hit wherever he’s played. His home/away splits in his career are better at home, but everyone’s are. It’s just easier to hit at home because you’re sleeping in your house, you don’t need to travel, you don’t have to tell the hotel’s front desk to please tell Archie Bradley’s room to be quiet. Road scholars are rare, and are a little weird anyway. Only thing stopping Just Dong, and what has also stopped him in the past is his health. Other than subtracting 75 ABs from the bottom line, there’s not much we can do with that, i.e., I love J.D. but there’s injury risk.'” And that’s me quoting hypothetical me! As I said in the above blurb, Just Dong is who he is, and Fenway’s gonna be a lovely place for him to just, uh, dong. With the signing of Just Dong, Hanley’s going to play 1st base, which means it will take one throw into the first base line for Hanley to lose his arm, and I lowered him in my top 20 1st basemen for 2018 fantasy baseball. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this spring training for 2018 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s the Winter Meetings, Part 2: This Time Free Agents Are Really Signing. Starring as Eric Hosmer is Turtle!
Starring as Wil Myers is your goofy friend from high school who now works for Enterprise Rent-A-Car:
Trailer Voice, “What if all of MLB’s owners weren’t in collusion….But just the rich teams!” In the last few days, the Padres, Twins and Rays got some deals done, which is kinda like shuffling the deck chairs on the Titanic. Some ‘perts will likely move Hosmer down in their rankings, but I always assumed Hosmer would be a Padre, and ranked and projected him as one in my top 20 1st basemen for 2018 fantasy baseball. There, I said, “Here’s what I will say when Hosmer signs, “I made the case last year that Hosmer was Joey Votto Jr. I called him Kangaroo Embryo. I just thought of a kangaroo wearing a Kangol, but I’ve never thought about an alligator wearing an Izod shirt, I’ll have to discuss this with my shrink. At one point, Wil Myers said he’d move to the outfield for Eric Hosmer to come to the Padres, and I thought to myself, “If I were Hosmer, I’d tell Myers to please not do me any favors.” San Diego is like the Trojan Horse of cities (for baseball and just visiting). It’s like this, “Oh, man, San Diego is gorgeous. What’s this, 77 degrees every day? I can get used to this!” Five minutes later, “I am bored out of mind.” Five minutes after, “Damn, can we get out of here?” Ten minutes after that, “If I see one more white person in flip-flops I’m going to readily embrace going to Tijuana.” Any hoo! Hosmer isn’t exactly a home run hitter. His fly balls were goofy low last year for a guy with 25 homers. He was the third lowest for fly balls (22.2%), fourth highest ground balls and the 29th lowest for Hard Contact. He does hit a decent amount of line drives, and feels like a 23-26 homer guy with a few more fly balls. He might be Kangaroo Embryo this year, but to emulate Joey Votto Jr. he’s going to need to elevate the ball more.” And that’s me quoting future me!” And that’s me quoting me quoting future me! Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2018 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Fantasy Baseball War Room is back! I’m not saying the Fantasy Baseball War Room is back, as in, is a butt. So, if Sir Mix-A-Lot is reading, I’m truly sorry for the confusion. Our Fantasy Baseball War Room is one part draft tool, one part fantasy team evaluator, one part fantasy junkie’s s’s and g’s tool, one part holy, two parts smokes, three parts… How many parts is that so far? Cause it’s only really seven parts total. I think there’s one part kill-your-day-with-this-war-room-thing-a-maboob-as-a-pinwheel-spins in there too. Essentially, this helps you practice building a fantasy baseball team.Please, blog, may I have some more?
As the big market maxim goes, if you can’t draft ’em, sign ’em. The Cubs have struggled to produce major league-ready pitching, and rather than rely on a solid, if unspectacular pitching staff, they signed Yu Darvish for a shizzton of money, though likely his going rate. Speaking of which, have you heard all the whispers of collusion? This one doesn’t involve Russians, unless Scott Boras has Russian ancestry. Have to check 23 and Me for that. This offseason seems to be dropping breadcrumbs towards a work stoppage in 2021. Hopefully, I’m wrong. However, when teams are making hundreds of millions of dollars, then refusing to pay free agents things start to look suspicious. Not to mention, Derek Jeter seems to have shorted Marlins stock. When you sell off the whole team to make $60 million in revenue sharing, eyebrows are raised. Unfortunately, for Jeter, it wasn’t his eyebrows, because his forehead seems to be losing hair by the day, and he could use some raised eyebrows to cover that shiny dome. Any hoo! As I said in the top 20 starters for 2018 fantasy baseball, “Yu signed with the Cubs for $126 million. If you just had Siri read that off to you, stop celebrating, and get off the phone with the Lambo dealer. It’s not you you, it’s Yu Darvish. Not saying this is everything, but I just looked at the park factors for Wrigley vs. Dodger Stadium. I mean, I knew they were grossly in favor of Dodger Stadium for pitchers, but I just wanted to confirm. And, what do you know, I confirmed it. Darvish had a 3.44 ERA in Los Angeles in 49 2/3 IP, and, while Wrigley won’t be as gentle, it won’t be any worse than Arlington, where he played previously with success. He feels like a richer Archer. Call him, Robin Hood: Prince of Ks.” And that’s me quoting me! I also updated Darvish in the top 100 for 2018 fantasy baseball, the top 500 for 2018 fantasy baseball and the pitchers’ pairings. Finally, Rudy updated his fantasy baseball rankings and Darvish moved up about 30 spots. That reminds me of the DJ Khaled song produced for the Huffington Post called, Clickbait Drop. I upped Darvish’s projections, and moved him into a more favorable tier, realizing I had been too harsh on him previously. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2018 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
My esteemed colleagues at Yahoo have put out their 2018 fantasy baseball rankings. I think I’m using the word colleague incorrectly. Does colleague mean someone you’re in a league with? Yes? No? Okay, let’s move on. I might be using esteemed wrong too. Know what? We’re moving on! The Yahoo 2018 fantasy baseball rankings are out; I’m sure about that after consulting with my hair stylist, Jeffrey, at SuperCuts. I said to Jeffrey (don’t shorten it), “Do I have dandruff, Jeffrey?” Jeffrey, digging through my full, lustrous mane, “Why do you think this horrible thing, Mr. Grey?” I replied, “I saw how low Yahoo ranked Cody Bellinger and I began to demonically scratch my head.” After a three-hour explanation of who Cody Bellinger was, what fantasy baseball is and the ins and outs of Yahoo fantasy baseball, Jeffrey responded, “That is not dandruff, Mr. Grey. I shaved my hair and donated it to a sculpture at Miami’s Art Basel, and that Cody Bellinger ranking makes me scratch my head too.” Thrilled I didn’t have a disease of the dry scalp, I was still left puzzled by some of Yahoo’s rankings. So, I figured be a Pisces and jam. For this post, I will be looking at the consensus Yahoo 2018 fantasy baseball rankings vs. my own 2018 fantasy baseball rankings.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Our 2018 Razzball Commenters Leagues are in full signup mode. I even heard there were a few people from Anonymous that signed up! They said, “To the world, I’m Anonymous, just another white man who sits in parking lots with binoculars watching women.” Man, that Anonymous guy is depressing! As we always do about this time, I eviscerate the haters and complicators! I eviscerate the not-knowers and the over-knowers! I eviscerate the ESPN goers and the garden hoers! I overuse a word like eviscerate that I just learned! I am the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) and I’ve come for your children! See, because blog writing doesn’t pay so well, I’ve taken a second job as a bus driver, so I’m literally here for your kids. Like a baller! A shot caller! An “I’m outside of Hot Topic at the maller!” My eviscerating (I’m conjugating my new word!) today comes at the expense of ESPN and their 2018 fantasy baseball rankings. To the tune of Baby Blue (Feat. Chance the Rapper) by Action Bronson:Please, blog, may I have some more?
If you’re like me most days, you’re sitting in your car beneath an underpass and writing ALF fan fiction, but today we have a different type of fantasy for you to engage in. No, not your fantasy where it’s you and that girl from high school in a tub of Alphabet Soup and you write her a love letter on her back in noodles! This is a fantasy baseball fantasy! Because you know what would be really cool? If you could join a fantasy baseball league that was against, like, 1000 other fantasy baseball teams. But not a 1000-person league, where people are trying to figure out who the back-up third baseman is on the Single-A Astros affiliate, the Corpus Christi Amscrayers. No, this is a 12-person league designed so you compete against eleven other people in your league, then 90 other leagues of twelve. That would be cool. Oh, wait, we’ve done that. It’s called the Razzball Commenter Leagues, and they’re back, and you don’t even have to be a commenter to join it! For a limited time only, get your loved one a fantasy baseball league! That’s right, your hearts go pitter-patter or you’re dead on the inside (my condolences). Since back in June when you abandoned your fantasy baseball team because it was totally sucking and you returned to your cubbyhole of leftover Chinese food and Teddy Grahams, you’ve longed for this day. As Bob Marley sang, this is your redemption song, mon. Or womon, for our five girl readers. It’s time again to join some fantasy baseball leagues!Please, blog, may I have some more?
For these pitcher pairings, I’m going to be using our (my) 2018 fantasy baseball rankings. Notably, the top 20 starters for 2018 fantasy baseball, top 40 starters for 2018, top 60 starters for 2018, the top 80 starters for 2018 and top 100 starters. You can also just go to our Fantasy Baseball War Room. Okay, formalities out of the way. *rolls up sleeves, makes farting noise with hand under armpit, rolls down sleeve* Let’s get busy! Now, what is a pitcher pairing? It’s your plan for putting together a fantasy staff. A course of action. If you have A pitcher, which B, C, D, E and F pitcher goes with him? Which is different than ‘F this pitcher,’ that’s what you say in May. You should have six starters. The sixth starter is Josh Hader or take whoever you want. I suggest an upside pick. Hader comes to mind. Or Mike Montgomery. Sean Newcomb also comes to mind. Luiz Gohara anyone? I’m going to assume you’re in a 12 team, 5×5 and some variation of 9 pitcher leagues like the Razzball Commenter Leagues. Speaking of which, the RCL league signups will begin on Monday. (NOTE: What you are about to read is massively confusing. If it were found scribbled in a notebook, the FBI would be watching me. If Ed Kemper stood up and read this at the next prison Meet N’ Greet, no one would blink an eye.) Anyway, here’s pitcher pairings for pitching staffs for 2018 fantasy baseball drafts:Please, blog, may I have some more?