Super Two’s time has come, finally. The rules for Super Two’s are as following: any player(s) that has not been called up previously or has been called up previously but has more than and less than 180 service time days. Service time days are counted backwards from 180 and if you get to 75 before you fall asleep, their service time has started. Players who have Scott Boras call the management of the player’s team about service time will not have their service time start. If Boras does not call, but his assistant does call, then service time does not start, unless the commissioner, Our Manfred, has to call Boras back directly. Then service time counts two times as fast or the player has to pitch or hit at a rate of 12 frames per second, which is fast motion. Of course, I have no idea when A.J. Reed or anyone else will be called up! No one does! Teams themselves can’t figure out Super Two. Delegates vs. super delegates is less confusing, but, obviously, also less important. Leave it to Major League Baseball to give you the most arcane rules possible. Reed hasn’t been tearing up Triple-A, but neither has Tyler White in the majors, and the Astros are committed to winning, and winning means trying Reed. Even if he hasn’t killed Triple-A, it doesn’t mean he won’t hit well in the majors, and he has big-time power. Now is the time to grab him in every league, his Super Two thing that no one understands is just about to happen! (So, was he a Super One before? Jesus, can’t someone just say everyone becomes eligible to be called up on June 1st? Would that be too hard?) Anyway, here’s more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Evan Gattis – As Fetty Wap says, “Evan Gattis the baddest, all these catching games, Imma cash it.” What is Fetty Wap talking about? I have no idea, why don’t you ask Fetty Wap?! Sorry, I lost it there. You don’t deserve that treatment. Or do you?! Damn, the reversal question during an apology. The worst diss of all-time! My bad. Or is it?!
Matt Adams – True story, when Victoria’s Secret catalog was discontinued, Matt Adams removed his manssiere and held his hand forlornly against a window as rain poured down. That’s friggin’ sad and tragic. Sadgic!
Logan Morrison – He has hits in nine of his past ten games with a homer and two steals and there’s some slight schmotatoes in this LoMo Saltado.
Adam Lind – Been slightly hotter than Morrison on the scale of no schmotato to hot schmotato, and if you said the previous to any member of your fantasy league, they would punch you in the face with apt reason. “Did you just say ‘on a scale of no schmotato to hot schmotato?’ I will now punch you.”
Luis Valbuena – Fun fact! When Valbuena travels, he uses Louis Vuitton suitcases and says the LV stands for Luis Valbuena, and his nephew, Chuckles, that Luis’ sister left on his doorstep, believes him.
Tommy Joseph – I’ve never seen so many 1st baseman to choose from in one week of Buys, though I have the memory of a fruit fly. Hey, where did I leave that rotting banana I was eating?
Mike Napoli – I’m not a big beer drinker, but, if I were, I’d like to have a beer with Napoli. Or even a shot. Out of his mother’s navel. That would be fun! Also, Napoli is one of the hottest bats in the majors right now.
Kendrys Morales – I’ve owned Morales on multiple teams in the last week and he just keeps hitting, so I can’t jinx him. Though, I have dropped him because owning a Utility-only guy is tough. The Morales of this story? Kendrys!
Whit Merrifield – You know what really classes up any fantasy team? Owning Whit Merrifield! Forget BABIP, this guy’s got a high WASP!
Trea Turner – I already gave you my Trea Turner fantasy. It was written with the help of the brandy being carried by a Saint Bernhard.
Devon Travis – Hasn’t done a whole lot since his return, but I have to think at some point Gibbons will be less Clint Hurdle and move Bautista out of the leadoff slot and move Travis up, which would give him a nice boost in value. Yes, Clint Hurdle is now used to describe insane managing lineup decisions. It’s in the dictionary!
Jake Lamb – I look forward to the matchup of Teheran/Lamb happening at some point so I can Google it and find a great kebab place in Iran on Yelp. “I had to park three blocks from Pita Palace and my car was bombed. I give this place one star! Though, the shish was tasty.”
Pedro Alvarez – This is a straight Hitter-Tron call like when the Hitter-Tron calls your Ford Impala and breathes heavy.
Byron Buxton – Here’s what I said the other day, “I often wonder if we need a short memory or a long memory for this fantasy baseball thing. If you have a short memory, you forget Byron Buxton was an absolute disaster in the month of April. But if you have a long memory, you remember he was dreadful, but also remember he was a top prospect. But an even longer memory remembers that Wil Myers was once a top prospect. While a very short memory forgets who the hell we were talking about. Buxton! Right! After being demoted, Buxton hit six homers, stole four bags and hit .333 in about a month. He’s capable of that at the major league level too. Will he do it? I doubt he gets there this year, but is worth a flyer in all leagues for upside.” And that’s me quoting me!
Adam Duvall – I’ve been saying to pick up Duvall for about a month. In the month of May, his numbers were: 19/11/24/.289. Yes, an over 60-homer pace in May. And he’s still not owned in 50% of ESPN leagues. Incredible.
Hyun-soo Kim – More like Hyun-soooooooo Hot! Right?! Come on, high five the crap out of my hand! What? Okay, I’ll remove the foam Hulk Hogan hand for the high five, but it helps me type.
Julio Urias – I just went over him this morning. You need to scroll. Lucky you’ve been working out!
Michael Fulmer – Urias, Manaea, probably Taillon, maybe Glasnow, Berrios, you name the hyped up rookie pitcher and Fulmer comes up out of nowhere and does extremely well. You know why? Cause rookie pitchers. There’s no rhyme or reason with them.
Jameson Taillon – Did someone say no rhyme or reason?
Matt Shoemaker – The other day I said Shoemaker was safer than Fulmer, and was ridiculed. Ridiculed, I tell ya! I was merely saying Shoemaker is not a rookie pitcher, so there’s less chance of a roofie. Anyone who has owned a rookie pitcher knows that the bottom drops out of nowhere like a ship made of corn doodles.
Archie Bradley – Okay, not safe at all either. Rookie or not. Still, worth trying him, just not today in Wrigley.
Chad Bettis – Obviously this is a Stream-o-Nator call, I would never suggest anyone own Bettis, unless it was Mookie Bettis after he pulled a Kendrys Morales and said his name was spelled just a tad differently.
Jeremy Hellickson – Okay, one more Stream-o-Nator call. Like when the Stream-o-Nator calls the operator and pleads with her to just talk to him, longing for human contact.
Ken Giles – If Giles were rock solid all year, he’d already be the closer, but he’s only been semi-solid for the last month. Hehe, he’s got a semi-solid.
Will Smith – …and the Oscar for Best Setup Man Who Could Get Saves That Also Has The Same Name As An Actor Who Should Never Win An Oscar After Some Of The Crap He’s Done, I Mean, Have You Seen After Earth? …Goes to Will Smith! Though, no one else was even nominated, I mean the category is kinda niche.
SELL
David Ortiz – Sell the fairy tale that is Big Papi’s 55-year-old season?! Ugh, am I heartless or do I just sing it a capella in the shower while playing Kim Kardashian’s app? This is a question that lies at the core of fantasy. Baseball fantasy and fantasy fantasy. The Papi of all Papis is having an incredible season for a guy who looks like he’d struggle to get up two flights of stairs. “So, you’re saying the bathroom is on the 3rd floor? Okay, I’m going to urinate into my Corona and then hand you the bottle.” I just don’t buy that Ortiz is going to hit sixty points above his career average, and stay healthy to get to 30+ homers. So, you have already gotten more than half of his stats and the season is only a third done. I wouldn’t trade him for a pleasant conversation with an 80-year-old woman while in a grocery store line, but I would explore options.
